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- Joined
- Dec 11, 2012
So, this is far from the easiest thing i have written, but I need to speak it.
I have had many partners over the last 15 years. Most have seen my ugliness, to some degree. Some ignored it, others left. But the ugliness remained, unphased, blaming others and never looking inside.
What changed?
My wife of 7 years, love of 15 said we were done. My heart plummeted. In a moment, ego shattered. I spent the next few days, crying uncontrollably, puking, didn't eat for a week. Then, with help from friends, I looked in. I opened my heart with empathy to her many years of pain that she had swallowed out of love. I saw myself through her eyes and realized I truly had become the villain of my story.
A lifetime of chronic depression had slowly spoiled my self worth. A veil of negative, the world was dark, and my every response was consumed with meanness. I hated myself. I didn't respect me. Suddenly, I realized, how can I truly say I love and respect her, if I don't even have those things for myself?
It took losing the one person I love more than myself to get me moving again. No other trauma had been enough to get the wheels turning. But there was hope.
She still loved me. A heart, so infinitely deep of love. Despite being so used up, there was still a tiny seed of love. And I had one chance, just one, to nurture it. Not by giving her things, though showing my love is important, but by taking steps to be a better man. To learn to love myself again. And in that, be worthy of her love as well.
My marriage is rapidly improving, but that is not my only concern. To those who have experienced my ugliness here, who felt my claws, listened to the gnashing of my teeth, I apologize. You never did anything wrong except respect yourself. I couldn't. I hated that you could, even though I didn't see it that way. I clung to unhealthy habits, seeking confirmation of self worth through how much attention I got, affection on demand. It was the easy way out in dealing with how busy my wife was.
It was vile, all of my actions were. I am sorry. Though I do acknowledge the actions were bad. The choices. I was a person filled with pain, self hate, and no self esteem. I was not my choices. But the person I am becoming, is someone who pushes back against the darkness, lives in empathy, and makes choices that reflect self love and confidence.
I am growing. I just wanted those who had the misfortune of meeting me before this to know, it was never your fault. You are amazing and good.
I have had many partners over the last 15 years. Most have seen my ugliness, to some degree. Some ignored it, others left. But the ugliness remained, unphased, blaming others and never looking inside.
What changed?
My wife of 7 years, love of 15 said we were done. My heart plummeted. In a moment, ego shattered. I spent the next few days, crying uncontrollably, puking, didn't eat for a week. Then, with help from friends, I looked in. I opened my heart with empathy to her many years of pain that she had swallowed out of love. I saw myself through her eyes and realized I truly had become the villain of my story.
A lifetime of chronic depression had slowly spoiled my self worth. A veil of negative, the world was dark, and my every response was consumed with meanness. I hated myself. I didn't respect me. Suddenly, I realized, how can I truly say I love and respect her, if I don't even have those things for myself?
It took losing the one person I love more than myself to get me moving again. No other trauma had been enough to get the wheels turning. But there was hope.
She still loved me. A heart, so infinitely deep of love. Despite being so used up, there was still a tiny seed of love. And I had one chance, just one, to nurture it. Not by giving her things, though showing my love is important, but by taking steps to be a better man. To learn to love myself again. And in that, be worthy of her love as well.
My marriage is rapidly improving, but that is not my only concern. To those who have experienced my ugliness here, who felt my claws, listened to the gnashing of my teeth, I apologize. You never did anything wrong except respect yourself. I couldn't. I hated that you could, even though I didn't see it that way. I clung to unhealthy habits, seeking confirmation of self worth through how much attention I got, affection on demand. It was the easy way out in dealing with how busy my wife was.
It was vile, all of my actions were. I am sorry. Though I do acknowledge the actions were bad. The choices. I was a person filled with pain, self hate, and no self esteem. I was not my choices. But the person I am becoming, is someone who pushes back against the darkness, lives in empathy, and makes choices that reflect self love and confidence.
I am growing. I just wanted those who had the misfortune of meeting me before this to know, it was never your fault. You are amazing and good.