Sweet Diary

[LeFay]

I'm sure there are 10 threads in there with this exact title, and I apologize for my lack of inspiration for it

Though, I really wanted to get this out here. I don't know whether many people scroll down here to read this, and I don't really mind either. If you do though, take in mind that this is VERY personal and VERY emotional to me. I'm just putting this out here for those who have faced the same horror, to let you know I'm here for you. We're all here for you.

Now, moving onto this. I apologize for the way it will be put down. Just how I feel like doing this now.

20 Novermber 2018. Lost what was nearest and dearest to my heart; my unborn son.

So... yeah. Nothing pretty about the announcement. Don't feel like that either. The story behind it? I'll give a short one for now, as I'm sure this diary will fill with many more posts about it. But I'm too emotional to tell it all right away.

My son, for yes, he was my son, even without being born into this world, passed away on that faithful day. Worse, it's my brother's birthday. He won't ever get a call or gift that day, luckily he understands.

Cliff as he would have been named officially had he made it, would have been named after my boyfriend's grand-father. He fought many a battle during his time on the police-force. A time where crimes were still fightable, but it took blood, sweat and tears.

Cliff earned this name, at first we were calling him Steve... but recognising his similiarities to my BF's grand-father we decided Cliff suited him 10 times better.

See, our little baby fought for his own life ever since he was capable of doing so. His blood was poisoned ever since it was pumping, or well... mine was as we shared it of course... so Cliff would have made little chance of surviving past this stage of pregnancy.

Though he did, how and why we can't tell... honestly, it was a miracle.

A miracle which made the shock so much harsher when it happened.

(Will expand on this, please don't respond here. Do please contact via pm or on my profile of you so desire.)

 

[LeFay]

To follow up on the above...

I took it harder than by boyfriend to be honest. I felt like I had failed, like I was the one to blame for this whole situation. What woman couldn't bring a child to life!?

It's not like I ever found peace with what happened, I just stopped blaming myself. But I started blaming the world, why was something like this possible? What did I do to deserve this? It still bothers me to this day, especially because I cannot push myself to give my hubby what he wants. A baby to hold and love... up to this very second he tells me he's not bothered by my fear and unwillingness to try and have a baby, but I cry with every advertisment on TV talking about baby-food. And I can see it bothers him, not me, but the fact he can't buy that fucking Paddington milk box yet.