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The Divine
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2009
- Location
- Misissippi
Beginning Thoughts
I really have no idea where I am going to go with this, but starting off...
I don't care if you read this. I don't care if you don't. This is going to be a chaotic mess, used to gain some form of control over my mind... Or find what does.
Hence, the title. That being said, I would prefer you not comment on here. If you have any thoughts, critiques, or even insults... Feel free to PM me.
I am classifying this as a Journal. However it could go from just random rage while at work one day, to an actual Journal entry, to my back story, or even just to random thoughts.
I had always wanted people to see how my brain works, and to hear the cycle of thoughts that repeat every second in my brain. This is the first time I've ever wanted to express them for myself to read back, mainly because I feel like I lost my throne.
I always said I was the God of My Own Mind... But over the past few years, my control has slipped. I'm happy that the forum I spent so much time on in the past can be used to help me get back to the same control I had. Or at least help me manage the chaos within, so not to overwhelm me like it does.
This may disturb some, others may see it was child's play. I still advise you tread lightly.
To My Future, Present, and Past RP Partners
First off... Yes, it's pretty fucked up that I am putting more effort into this than I did my Request Thread. Well... This is more important to me.
Secondly, I may be online for hours and not reply to a current RP because of this thread. That's because I'm on a phone and it takes quite a bit more time to type and format... And this is important to me, so I plan to put as much effort into this if I can. I'm not ignoring you, I'm just in... Therapy.
Thirdly and probably the worst... My thoughts may stray to Blue Moon itself. I plan to spill everything in my mind that I can into these black and blue tables... You'll find out more about my likes and dislikes than I have let out, and you'll find out more about why I RP. This may offend you or anger you or make you think I decided you. As I said, my PMs are open. Speak your mind.
Starting Off
I suppose first I'll explain "The Cycle."
Occasionally, my mind will go into a place I call The Cycle. It's easy to tell when it happens, because my thoughts are registered in a different way. The best way to describe it is I'm hearing them in a crowded room. Not physically of course but... You get it. It starts with a question. The question leads to a thought, to another, to another, then back to the question. There is no solution to the question, but my brain just goes on and on. Sometimes hours, sometimes days. It only stops when I knock myself out and wake back up.
My solution to the cycle? Weed, alcohol, pills, PHYSICALLY knocking myself out a time or two. This is when I lose control of my mind, this is when I'm no longer God.
Hm, random thought. I can't dream, because I have Sleep Apnea and never reach a deep enough sleep. I always felt like I was missing out, but thinking about it now... What if the Cycle moves to my dreams?
The Cycle also amplifies my insomnia. It's hard enough to sleep without your mind reminding you how FUCKED you are... On repeat.
That's another thing. The Cycle is always negative, and during The Cycle, my emotions cycle too.. Anxiety, depression, anger, anxiety, depression, anger... Over and over. Truly, it's exhausting...
Sometimes I want to just start walking and see what happens. Actually have done it once.
Sometimes I want to kill myself. I've never cut or shown any signs of self affliction, but suicide has always been an "emergency escape" in the back of my head.
Sometimes I want to hurt other people. Luckily this is easily remedied by RPing. If you RP with me, you know I usually RP non-con. Well, this is why. I'm sure I will go more into this later.
All three of those impulses come about during The Cycle, randomly. It's not always, however the anger aspect seems prominent...
The Cycle has turned my domain into a prison, and worse... I've recently started disassociating during them, causing the chains to tighten.
This thread may be my last attempt at escaping. Slowly I begin to accept that I am indeed broken, smouldering pile of wasted potential. And, truly... It's my own fault. Maybe the prison is a self appointed punishment for allowing myself to end up so... Unimportant. This will bring me to my next section...
Ego
As a child, I looked at reality as a TV show or movie. I, of course being the lead role! In school, I was always told how smart I was. I would sleep in class, not do homework, but Ace every test. That being said, I still ended up with B's and C's.
School bored me, so in the 8th grade I was withdrawn and started Homeschooling (as far as the school knew). What I really did? Yahoo Messenger. Well, at least starting out. By this time my anger issues had started. I will have another section about this time in my life. It was... Alot to handle.
Yahoo was an outlet and a way to use my brain. I was hooked the first time my sister showed me what a booter was. I may go into more depth into my Yahoo escapades, but if you were around... My screen name ain't changed, and I feel no remorse for my actions.
My ego was being fed, and I learned more and more. Booting turned to cracking (stealing Yahoo IDs), cracking went to coding websites and booters, and coding went to exploiting and taking down websites. I felt powerful, I felt intelligent, I FELT GODLY.
I knew with my mind, I would make it. I would have money, I would be great. I would be Superior. Obviously I was wrong.
I think that is all for now. I have spent quite a bit of time on this, and I already know how underwhelming it will look when I see it posted.
If you got this far, thank you...
...and if you keep reading, I'm sorry.
I really have no idea where I am going to go with this, but starting off...
I don't care if you read this. I don't care if you don't. This is going to be a chaotic mess, used to gain some form of control over my mind... Or find what does.
Hence, the title. That being said, I would prefer you not comment on here. If you have any thoughts, critiques, or even insults... Feel free to PM me.
I am classifying this as a Journal. However it could go from just random rage while at work one day, to an actual Journal entry, to my back story, or even just to random thoughts.
I had always wanted people to see how my brain works, and to hear the cycle of thoughts that repeat every second in my brain. This is the first time I've ever wanted to express them for myself to read back, mainly because I feel like I lost my throne.
I always said I was the God of My Own Mind... But over the past few years, my control has slipped. I'm happy that the forum I spent so much time on in the past can be used to help me get back to the same control I had. Or at least help me manage the chaos within, so not to overwhelm me like it does.
This may disturb some, others may see it was child's play. I still advise you tread lightly.
To My Future, Present, and Past RP Partners
First off... Yes, it's pretty fucked up that I am putting more effort into this than I did my Request Thread. Well... This is more important to me.
Secondly, I may be online for hours and not reply to a current RP because of this thread. That's because I'm on a phone and it takes quite a bit more time to type and format... And this is important to me, so I plan to put as much effort into this if I can. I'm not ignoring you, I'm just in... Therapy.
Thirdly and probably the worst... My thoughts may stray to Blue Moon itself. I plan to spill everything in my mind that I can into these black and blue tables... You'll find out more about my likes and dislikes than I have let out, and you'll find out more about why I RP. This may offend you or anger you or make you think I decided you. As I said, my PMs are open. Speak your mind.
Starting Off
I suppose first I'll explain "The Cycle."
Occasionally, my mind will go into a place I call The Cycle. It's easy to tell when it happens, because my thoughts are registered in a different way. The best way to describe it is I'm hearing them in a crowded room. Not physically of course but... You get it. It starts with a question. The question leads to a thought, to another, to another, then back to the question. There is no solution to the question, but my brain just goes on and on. Sometimes hours, sometimes days. It only stops when I knock myself out and wake back up.
My solution to the cycle? Weed, alcohol, pills, PHYSICALLY knocking myself out a time or two. This is when I lose control of my mind, this is when I'm no longer God.
Hm, random thought. I can't dream, because I have Sleep Apnea and never reach a deep enough sleep. I always felt like I was missing out, but thinking about it now... What if the Cycle moves to my dreams?
The Cycle also amplifies my insomnia. It's hard enough to sleep without your mind reminding you how FUCKED you are... On repeat.
That's another thing. The Cycle is always negative, and during The Cycle, my emotions cycle too.. Anxiety, depression, anger, anxiety, depression, anger... Over and over. Truly, it's exhausting...
Sometimes I want to just start walking and see what happens. Actually have done it once.
Sometimes I want to kill myself. I've never cut or shown any signs of self affliction, but suicide has always been an "emergency escape" in the back of my head.
Sometimes I want to hurt other people. Luckily this is easily remedied by RPing. If you RP with me, you know I usually RP non-con. Well, this is why. I'm sure I will go more into this later.
All three of those impulses come about during The Cycle, randomly. It's not always, however the anger aspect seems prominent...
The Cycle has turned my domain into a prison, and worse... I've recently started disassociating during them, causing the chains to tighten.
This thread may be my last attempt at escaping. Slowly I begin to accept that I am indeed broken, smouldering pile of wasted potential. And, truly... It's my own fault. Maybe the prison is a self appointed punishment for allowing myself to end up so... Unimportant. This will bring me to my next section...
Ego
As a child, I looked at reality as a TV show or movie. I, of course being the lead role! In school, I was always told how smart I was. I would sleep in class, not do homework, but Ace every test. That being said, I still ended up with B's and C's.
School bored me, so in the 8th grade I was withdrawn and started Homeschooling (as far as the school knew). What I really did? Yahoo Messenger. Well, at least starting out. By this time my anger issues had started. I will have another section about this time in my life. It was... Alot to handle.
Yahoo was an outlet and a way to use my brain. I was hooked the first time my sister showed me what a booter was. I may go into more depth into my Yahoo escapades, but if you were around... My screen name ain't changed, and I feel no remorse for my actions.
My ego was being fed, and I learned more and more. Booting turned to cracking (stealing Yahoo IDs), cracking went to coding websites and booters, and coding went to exploiting and taking down websites. I felt powerful, I felt intelligent, I FELT GODLY.
I knew with my mind, I would make it. I would have money, I would be great. I would be Superior. Obviously I was wrong.
I think that is all for now. I have spent quite a bit of time on this, and I already know how underwhelming it will look when I see it posted.
If you got this far, thank you...
...and if you keep reading, I'm sorry.