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Sym's thoughts: Because Social Anxiety happens even online

Symmetra

Symmetra

Meteorite
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
I know this is a nice community, and I'm very happy to be here. However, there's a certain consequence of not talking to anyone for nearly two years. It's called being afraid of people, because you don't want to sound like an idiot one day. Or the next day you just don't feel like anyone would find you interesting. So you just kind of...sit there and watch.

I've been watching interactions online for two years, in the shadows, just..lurking. Watching how people interact. Seeing how others just manage to post their thoughts without worry. I wish I could do that again, but I can't. It's one of the reasons why I didn't want to go back to my old account. I have friends here, friends that I just disappeared on..and I'm extremely disappointed in myself for doing that. But life got hard. Life got extremely hard.

I want to slowly start getting used to socializing and being apart of things again. Having some kind of commitment to others. But I gotta start slow, so I'll start here.

I wanted to message someone to initiate a possible roleplay, but I didn't. I think it's just because I don't know how to approach him. He seems to have similar interests as me, and I could tell by his thread he was extremely intelligent and would write good stories. I wanted to try to discuss possible compatibility instead of jumping right into a roleplay idea, because his thread was very...specific. I don't want to get into details because that's just not fair to him. He didn't scare me or anything. It's just my own insecurities holding me back, something I really need to work on...but being a ghost for 2 years sets you back really far.

I came back because I know that in my heart, I will always love roleplaying. And it sucks that I'm having these kinds of struggles, but I won't let them discourage me. I've been isolating myself for way too long, both in real life and online. I'm on a journey to find my own interest, other than my family, whom I've been focusing on these last few years. I've been single for almost a year, it's crazy. Almost a year that I broke up with my child's father, and I still have no direction or interests outside of him and my child. Roleplaying was apart of my identity before I gave everything up to be his girlfriend. It's taken me this long to realize that I need to do things for myself, and I have to work for that.

I think that's the part that made me just put it off for so long. I didn't want to put effort into entertaining myself, because I felt like it was a waste of time. But on this journey of self love, and discovering who I truly am...I need to understand that I'm worth that effort.
 
Mnn, I love getting six hours of sleep.

I do lots of thinking before I go to sleep and after I wake up, usually about things I don't feel comfortable discussing with anyone in my life. Recently, I found out that I was on the asexual spectrum. Which is odd considering how much I've always been interested in sex(I was erotic roleplaying since I was 17, and showed interest in it right after I started puberty). I definitely have evolved in the last decade, to the point where I can't really achieve sexual gratification at the drop of a hat with anyone but myself. This includes smut roleplays, and why I tend to stay away from them. It's odd when you have the urge to do something, but when you go out to satisfy the urge it's like pulling teeth. I used to get excited whenever I saw someone replied to me or sent me a PM regarding my threads. That feeling has since been replaced with anxiety.

It's possible that I need to approach this differently. As a Demisexual, I can only feel attraction and arousal from others when I know them. So maybe it would help if I *gasp* actually talk to people? Because I'm sure that if I put in my request thread(Must be open to chatting with me for days before I even consider a roleplay with you), I'd get zero responses, heh.

I think I could get away with it before, because back when I first started roleplaying it was a glorified jerk off session to my own writing, with elements added in by whoever I was roleplaying with. Now, since I prefer more character development and actually care about interaction and quality, it's gotten to the point where I'd rather just know the person first. This will definitely add time to my search, and I need to realize that instant gratification is no longer an option for me.

Understanding this is going to help me stick around more instead of getting discouraged when I feel nothing towards potential partners. So, hopefully I can speed up the process of bit of actually going outside of my own threads and interacting with people. Not sure if I want to do that in chat, as I'm used to being ignored by older members and it can be a bit frustrating trying to insert myself into a conversation. But we'll see.

Happy Sunday, folks.
 
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