~

Been wanting to journal lately, ever since I noticed my Twitter was primarily cryptic observations about life. Problem is, my LJ is long since defunct, and the further I stay away from Myspace, the better.

ohai, my website has a journal section. DERP.

Four days until I'm (supposedly) incarcerated. I find myself more concerned about having a bangin' party this weekend. This is normal for me - In the face of unpleasantness, I focus on having as good a time as I can. Somewhat irresponsible, but I think it's healthy. I try to avoid drama as a rule, but especially now, I'm completely blocking out any drama that attempts to enter my life. This has involved a fair bit of telling my ladyfriends and ex-girlfriends to shut up, staying too high to stress, and giving my computer as wide a berth as I can when I'm not crushing the feeble allies for glorious mother russia. More then ever, I feel like a passenger in life. I believe in free will, in that we are all free to feel however we want about any situation, and we are free to fail at the tasks set before us. Those tasks are completely out of our control, though. My next task is conquering addiction, and despite my crippling terror of combining sobriety and boredom (I don't like having to listen to myself think, see the aforementioned 'staying high' comment), I also feel like I'm verging on... Completion. I have had a CRAZY last few years, starting with discovering broadband internet, and hopefully ending with cooling my heels for a few months to shut the legal system up. Not to say that my many and varied adventures will end, but I'd like them to be a bit more thought out. And also successful. Yes. The endless chain of failure can stop now.

My greatest failings are as follows:
Relationships (16-20)
Monica (19-20)
Employment (19-present)
Illegal employment (21)
Building sanctuary (20-21)

...Hrm, that's depressing.

My greatest successes:
Friends
Enemies
Reputation
Self-control
Sex
Blue Moon
Psychonauting
Reliability
Building community

I'm going to spend my 22nd birthday in rehab. SUCK. But all the pain in the world is outweighed by the most fleeting, faint moment of pleasure. Never forget that.

Or so I'd like to believe. I'm constantly trying to ignore the nagging knowledge that I didn't feel that way when I was consistently sober. Discovering that I could use external chemicals to alter my mood and mind was the crystallizing moment of my life, and it turned me from a random bundle of unrealized and uncontrolled potential into someone who was smart, strong, capable, and stable. It remains to be seen if I can stand on my own as the person I want to be when my support pillar is taken out from underneath me.

I foresee several outcomes.
1) I go completely insane for the duration. Eventually, the time will pass, I'll come home, and drop right back into my old means. I'll find some way of enjoying my vices without crippling my finances and advance.
2) I discover that, separate from drugs and fun, I'm still me and I'm not as dependent as I thought. I come home and start using drugs instead of abusing them.
3) I go through another series of breakdowns (I had two while in jail for five days. Not a good record.) and the 'treatment professionals' exploit them to brainwash me. I return a completely different person, for better or worse.
4) I lose my mind quietly and systematically manipulate myself into a situation where I can off myself.

Hoping for 2. Gonna work towards 2. I must always remember that pleasure is never out of reach, if you're just willing to accept it wherever it finds you.

I'll be there, when you need me. Though more then likely you won't need to rely on me too heavily. But who knows, by the time we are both done... a major change will have occurred. But I know one thing will stay constant, I love you, and I will be there for you. I do my damndest to keep my promises, and I've made several to you. I have a lot to do, and I will get it done.

You will do wonderful.

It's amazing how much clearer the world is with a bit of smoke. All of yesterday's anxiety and fear washed away... My serenity is clear and immaculate.

I make it a rule to trust people. Perhaps it's my skill with reading personalities, but I find I can usually trust someone to do me right. The philosophy of the Society, at least for me, was based on it. Give everyone a chance. The minute they run that chance out, for whatever reason, expel them. I built a tight group of good people following that. I'm not going to let fear break that now.

Let man and fate alike have their way with me. I am ready.

Try, whatever the circumstances may be, you have my sincerest wishes for you to do well. Besides, you got the whole staff of Blue Moon to keep an eye on things while you're out.

You wanna know a true story, though? Not gonna lie to you, because my mother was a crackhead about 17 or 18 years ago and ya know what she did? She didn't rehab. She worked 10 hours a day to ensure we had a damned roof over our heads, food in our bellies and clothes on our backs.

But ya know what? We got through it. Just like you, you'll get through it just fine. And if it means anything else, you've got a very lovely gal who's waiting for you to get better and get healthy so the both of you can live to not only break the bed (cheap shot, I know) but also to live life the way you're supposed to do it. Sure, it's going to mess you up in ways you can't imagine in rehab, but if I know you like I think I know you, you're a tough-as-nails S.O.B. that knows what's better for you.

This ain't me just buttering you up, Try. This is me speaking the truth. Now go out there and give 'em hell, shut down the fakes, shut up the haters, kick ass in the morning and take names in the evening, do whatever it is you need to do in order to make yourself well.

An open letter to Nicole;

I'm putting this down now, while rage is still plenty fresh in my mind, and here because I think a good dose of public humiliation will aid you.

You are easily one of the most immature, self-centered, irresponsible, overly dramatic wastes of space I've ever met. Now, I've met plenty of your sort before, but you piss me off so badly because you have the potential to be something worthwhile. Instead, you're far more focused on talking about yourself, making excuses for all your failings, and trumpeting about whatever shallow, shiny thing has your attention at a given moment.

Did you not realize you were given a fucking JOB? Is this your work ethic? You spent someone else's money, earmarked for product, so you could kick it with your friends and show off your boytoy. And when I called you on it, you sputtered bullshit about traffic. No, sorry, it was your complete failure to get a grip on your decimating case of ADD that wasted all of our time today. I wonder if you even realize how bad you are.

I've been watching, and learning. I doubt you've noticed how often you interrupt - How often you completely overrule everyone else's conversation to talk about whatever goddamn anime or whathaveyou has seized your birdlike attention span. I don't think you realize how utterly broken your personality is - You're completely obsessed over your ex, and it's pathetically obvious how much hold he still has on you. You never shut up about him (except when the aforementioned anime comes up), and you go from asking me to kill him to FREAKING THE FUCK OUT when I arrange to meet him and put a few dents in his skull. You hawk his myspace and eat up every scrap of bait he lays out for you, as he clearly knows you will. And your anger, christ. Such impotent, weak rage in you. It would be one thing if you had anything to back it up, but aside from completely losing your sanity behind the wheel, you're unable to mount even a piddling defense when I tear into your obnoxious behavior.

This is not an attack, Nicole. This is wake-up call. You asked me to force you to use your brain - Here it is. You have a choice, now. You can learn some goddamn humility, accept my words for the truth they are, and change EVERYTHING about yourself, or you can start in on me again. Because we know how well that ended last time.

And if you're giving any serious thought to the latter option, I'll have you know I pulled my punches with this letter, because I still have hope you can improve. Prove me wrong, and I lose any reason to hold back. Watch yourself.

...

I'm just a tad confused, but I'll ask my questions in a private setting. If such is allowed.

Just two words more:

Oh Fuck.

Eh, you won't lose yourself when you get clean. I mean, I've never been addicted to anything before, but I know people that have been and they had to stop because of their loved ones. If anything they got better. And my experiences with people who are high actively prevents me from trying drugs, because they're all acting like complete asses. I don't say anything to them about it and they all seem to have fun and they THINK they're more interesting people for smoking...but really...I think they're just all idiots when they smoke.

Honestly, I don't think you need drugs to make you an interesting person, Trygon. And who knows, this experience might have you annoyed and hesitant, but when you get back you might actually feel better.

And you know...I know this sounds cheesy but...

Get an anti drug. It helps, it really does..

Whether or not my personality restructures while sober, I know for a fact I'm prone to panic and violence. Even if I can survive sobriety, it's not my default state.

Eight hours to go. More insomnia tonight, as expected. Fortunately, I had Mass Effect to distract me. Wish I had time to beat it...

See you in September, Blue Moon.

See you then, buddy. We'll hold the fort from here on in.

Good luck Trygon, you'll be missed.

What ho, blue moon.

I seem to have had my privledges removed. Odd.

Got a day off due to birthday. 22 now.

Release date is September 12th. See you then.

Trygon..with no power..?

What trickery is this?!

Anyway, happy belated birthday.

Trygon said:

What ho, blue moon.

I seem to have had my privledges removed. Odd.

Got a day off due to birthday. 22 now.

Release date is September 12th. See you then.

Click to expand...

They removed them so that no one hacks into your account and gets your mod powers. :3

Ilovegoatse said:

Trygon said:

What ho, blue moon.

I seem to have had my privledges removed. Odd.

Got a day off due to birthday. 22 now.

Release date is September 12th. See you then.

Click to expand...

They removed them so that no one hacks into your account and gets your mod powers. :3

Click to expand...

Ah, thank you, Goat. Was a bit disconcerting, coupled with the PM from Black Rose saying that she was the reason they had been removed. But that seems well with me.

So I'm here until 9 PST. Who wants to know how bad rehab sucks?!

Hmm..I guess I do.

Its not like anything else is going on.

Trygon said:

Ilovegoatse said:

Trygon said:

What ho, blue moon.

I seem to have had my privledges removed. Odd.

Got a day off due to birthday. 22 now.

Release date is September 12th. See you then.

Click to expand...

They removed them so that no one hacks into your account and gets your mod powers. :3

Click to expand...

Ah, thank you, Goat. Was a bit disconcerting, coupled with the PM from Black Rose saying that she was the reason they had been removed. But that seems well with me.

So I'm here until 9 PST. Who wants to know how bad rehab sucks?!

Click to expand...

Ohgod. She's been... something. But no, she's not the reason at all.

So I hear, Goat.

Luna: You know the old military idiom about the lowest bidder? It applies to state treatment, too.

That really sucks.

Hey Try, that really does suck. I hope that, in the end, everything end sup for the best. Prolly will, though, but doesn't hurt to say it =D

And there's nothing she could say to get your powers revoked, I bet, just blowing air up your ass