Vampiric Speculations

I've been thinking about writing here for a little bit now, but I can never think of anything to really say. I suppose that doesn't matter. I mean, this is 'my place' to write for myself, really, right? Yes I'm displaying it for you lot. I'm not doing it because I care about getting input back, or even want replies back to what I've written. In fact, it would probably be best if there were no posts here besides my own. But either way it matters little, post if you wish I won't kick and scream. Heck, I don't even know if I will post again, heh.

Well..... now what? Oh, I know. So I took a personality test for no real reason. I was wondering earlier if I am passive-aggressive, turns out I'm not from the bit I've read on the 'symptoms'. At worst, for personality disorders, I have some OCD issues, but I knew that hehe. I know there's some personality issues up there, but, then, who doesn't have them? I dunno, but anyways. In any case I took the personality test and, assuming it was accurate (It was Carl Jung based, he's one of the great old psychiatrists, if you did not know. Psychiatry is a wonderful subject, by the way.), I am an ENFJ type (link provided for those that care).

I think it describes me pretty decently, if a tad inaccurately. But, then, I don't usually fit very nicely into boxes. At any rate, that's all I've really got for now. Later

I have been doing some thinking about the whole ENFJ type, and I realized that the test was slightly wrong. By definition it is an extroverted personality, whereas I am not. However I have come to realize that I am not introverted, either. While I exhibit characteristics of being so, I also exhibit some characteristics of the extrovert. So, I must tentatively conclude that I am what is considered an ambivert. This makes sense when I consider that the INFJ type also describes me well. I swear, my subconscious loves being confusing.

I have come to the realization that I carry too much around with me. I don't hold grudges but there's too many negative emotions swirling in my core. I'm far from perfect, and even without them I would be, but I'm tired of my persistent bad moods. Pretending to be fine is just that: pretending. I don't spill my guts to everyone, and I'm not about to start, but damn am I thankful that I have at least a few people I feel comfortable enough with to talk to. I thank BM, actually, for two of them. But anyways.

Maybe I shouldn't say 'persistent bad mood', because it's more of an underlying thing. I can act the perfectly fine person when I want to, regardless of what is going on under the surface. I do it to save others from my stress. I suppose I'm a sponge in a way. I'll listen like hell to the people I care about yet give them almost none of my problems in return. I just soak it all up, feel for them and whatever issue they might be talking about. And it's not fake caring, it's all genuine, I'd hate myself if I faked being compassionate.

What irritates me is when I let my moods slip and I unintentionally lash out at someone close to me. That I have no excuse for. Regardless of what is going on in my life I should never, even accidentally, hurt someone that I care about. If being so caring is what I value so highly, then why is it that I say things I don't mean? That I let my aggravations get the best of me? I guess it is because, no matter how well I can control myself, I am merely human. Though sometimes I wonder about that.

But I digress, and risk sounding retardedly emo. I don't like to sound that way, I'm not feeling like so either. Now is merely a time for self evaluation, something that should not be frowned upon but instead used as a tool to make one more aware of themself. But, in any case, I have run out of things to say. At any rate, I sincerely hope I have not come off all mopey and shit, and that someone has enjoyed reading this little bit of me. But now I must go and actually work. Yay me!

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live a different life? To do and see things that you currently cannot? I'm sure you have, I'm sure it's perfectly normal. We all dream of things that might have been or could be, or even things that couldn't. That is the marvel of the human mind, our imaginations.

But what if you are happy? What if you have a life that you enjoy, despite some minor struggles and the usual irritations life throws at you? A life that you feel you would be profoundly empty without? What then? Well, I say that it is still understandable to dream as we do, to yearn and want more. Allow me, if you will, to deepen my question.

What if you are so very much happy with your life, and yet you are presented with the vision of another. This vision is not given by an external force, though certainly inspired by one, and it is only vaguely possible to attain. This vision, this overwhelming want of things you cannot have, fills you with so much happiness when you dwell upon it that it rivals the very joy you feel in your day to day life. You suddenly find yourself wanting, for lack of a proper word, two things now: the life you have and the one which you now desire so very strongly. You want them both, to have and hold together as one. To have your cake and eat it to, so to speak. Funny little phrase, that.

And then, what if I was to tell you that there was a way to gain that which you sought so dearly? Two ways, in fact, however both at a dreadful price. The first was surely less palpable, to lose quite possibly all that you love and hold dear to your heart and soul. The other to lose a piece of yourself, to give up values which you hold to tightly in the core of your being. What would you do then?

My, it's... been awhile since I traversed into this little corner of BM which I call 'mine'. A little housekeeping is in order, I do believe. There's bloody cobwebs lurking in the corners o.o
In any case, I come to you today with another bit of my silly wonderings, this time pertaining to something which quite irritated me. I'll try to keep it short, after all this is merely venting I suppose.

How I despise being reminded of how the male population acts. The way many of my 'kind' monger and beat their proverbial chests, milling around this world and discharging the filth that is their baser instincts. Specifically, I refer to the way in which some think of, and moreso speak to, women. I see it time and time again, and I find no excuse for it. Surely there are times when it is all in good fun, or pertaining to the conversation at hand, and that I can readily look past, keeping in mind the character of the person that is speaking. But oh how I loathe the man who looks to women as objects, a commodity to be traded and used, thrown away when the fun is over. Perhaps not so bad as that, but equally detestable in my eyes, the want of a woman not for who she is, but because of what she can do. Dear God how I wish to be rid of their foul presence.

Our 'fairer halves' are not simply pieces of flesh that we are to use for our carnal desires. They are beautiful, passionate, and exotic beings whom deserve our care and devotion. We should look unto them with respect and dignity, show them we are honorable and sincere. Lie to them not and take no false action in their regard. Though they are stronger than traditionally believed, we are supposed to still be their protectors. My God, how hard is it to cherish the other half of ourselves? I can see it even when it is veiled in a seemingly nonchalant comment, or when people are joking and the invisible fangs of the dogs reveal themselves. I daresay it is both an awesome and disgusting sight.

Ah, it seems tiredness is taking over, and my thoughts becoming jumbled. Perhaps not the best thing to do, typing this up as I planned to tomorrow though instead on this restless night. I bid you all adieu, those that may peruse this, and hope that it strikes some chord with us all.

Cherish and love, now and forevermore.

I know you said that it would probably be best if no one posted in here, your space, other than yourself, but I have to say...I admire you, for being one of the better men who don't look upon a woman as simply a tool to satisfy the instinctial need to reprocriate.

I'm glad someone can see women for what we really are; the other half. Not just meat.

Thanks, Vampy.
-Anjeru

Hey there Anj. Thank you, for that, though it wasn't my intention, of course, to 'toot my horn', as it were. In this instance it's slightly ironic that you should say such things, because I was thinking of touching upon that in a new post today. Though fear not, for I am but one of many who feel this way; I'm just choosing to speak my mind on it.

And I know some might think that I portray that which I elaborated upon last night. For this, I say shame upon you for not seeking to look beyond what you see every once in awhile. It matters not, however, as per my usual, those that should know how I truly am do so know. That is what is important to me. Rest assured that despite what I say in chat, I say so only out of fun and always underlain with respect. I abhor seeming to be like the sloven, drooling masses of men on the Internets who beg and coerce pictures and the like from women.

But that will be all for now. I think I got my point across. Not sleeping well makes me less inclined to read this over and check, so I'm sure something was missed. Oh wells.

Of female persuasion myself, I'm sure we don't mind the playing and occassional attentions based solely on our physical selfs. What I was saying before, was that I, myself, am tired of feeling like nothing more than cattle, to be used up and tossed aside. Perhaps it was my lack of sleep, or something of the sort, but I was just glad to see someone who doesn't think of women as such.

I'm not much of ego stroker, nor is it my intention to be, I am just honest, with thoughts and voice. That being said, I am still going to stand by my thank-you. =)

Oh worry not, I wasn't suggesting you were ego stroking, I more of said that to detract from ideas that I was posting all this as a way of 'flaunting' myself^.^
I do thank you earnestly, and you are very welcome as well. You got the right point across, don't worry.

Good good. It is a tad harder to string words into your intending meaning when you're tired. =)

Have you ever wanted to rip into someone for something they have done? What if, besides follows the laws of simple respect, they didn't know they had done something to you? Is it still right to bitch them out? What if they are someone that you consider a friend? Is it still right to want to yell at them, to call them out for 'wronging you', if that is how it should be put? Should you keep silent so as to not potentially bring that person to tears? Or should you instead let it out in as nice a way as you can? What should you do when you feel as if someone has taken you for granted?

I know what I will do. Do you?

If you don't tell a person they've transgressed, they aren't given a chance to redeem themselves. Sometimes, people do things without meaning to that grate on your last fucking nerve and unless you tell them, "When you do___________________________, it makes me want to punch babies and light puppies on fire." how are they to know they're driving you to assault infants and barbeque puppies?
However, if they've been made aware of an annoying habit and they still do it, then by all means, light into them and make them cry. Sometimes a person needs a fire lit under their ass to make them knock their shit off. My personal opinion is if you've told someone numerous times not to do something and they still do it? What kind of a friend are they in the first place?
Friendship is a two-way street after all.

Dearest BM,

I think I missed an important memo. I say this because I find myself wondering when, and why, we transported ourselves back to high school? Why is it that people cannot tell us something to our faces? That they must go to a third party with their issues rather than speak directly to you like an adult? Wouldn't that solve everything? I think so.

Far be it from me to presume on behalf of the rest of us, but I like to think myself a very rational person, one more than capable of taking criticism and some harsh words. I've dealt with enough in my life to have developed a layer or two of thick skin inlaid with my own rationality. I mean, I'll obviously wonder what the heck is going on, but I will at least recognize that it's being caused by something, and try to work it out with someone. I'm not some silly teenager that has an ego the size of a elephant and an attitude to match. I'm much easier to deal with than that. But, alas, that matters not to some.

Not to mention some interesting misconceptions about the weight they hold in your life. Of course a friend holds a very distinct value to me and a close friend, those select few whom I feel I can really share things with, even moreso. But that should not be confused with something more. A friend is a friend and they stay that way, lest both people in question want more. But I deviate from my original thread of thought a bit.

And so things progress as they did in school, with friends whispering behind your back rather than owning up and confronting you. It's sad, and silly, really. Sad because a simple heads up would have assuaged their fears. And also because you wonder if ever you will get to talk things through, to make amends where needed and together understand what has happened. Instead, you have a friendship possibly rent asunder, which is perhaps the worst part of it all.

So, in closing, I ponder again why two adults cannot talk about a problem between friends, like civilized people should. Let's leave the yesteryears of our youth and immaturity behind us and progress in a more reasonable fashion, with our ears and eyes open to those around us and ever mindful of how hurtful a single word can be.

Oh, and please be sure to CC me on all urgent directives in the future. I hate playing catchup.


Yours Sincerely,
~VS