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~Pieces of Me~

Ms Catailia

Super-Earth
Joined
May 19, 2010
Dear you,
I'm not really sure where to start. I haven't written in a very long time. Its not like I don't enjoy writing, I just...haven't been able to get my fingers to work with my brain. I used to write all the time. I used to write a poem every day, even if it was just worthy of a trash bin. I haven't written in...two years. I haven't written since I met him. Can it be possible that the man I love is the reason I can't do my passion? I don't feel inspired at all, not like I used to. But I'm hoping I can change that. Its been far too long that I've let my passion hide. I want to write again. I want to express my thought again, and so that's what I plan to do here. I'll write about my day if its eventful enough, if it provokes me. I'll write about events that speak to me. I'll write lines from poetry or songs that inspire me. Anything...anything to get me writing again. This will be my journal to you. I will be close to you. I will let you learn about me without knowing who I really am. Read...read all of me.
~Catailia
 
6/30/10 Journal Entry

Dear you,
Today I feel scared. Rather, right now I do. Its not like I'm not used to being alone, not used to dealing with drama, but today feels different. All week I've been out of my apartment with family or friends, working or...just out, but tonight I home and he is off at work. I feel panicked, edgy, like I used to feel before I had panic attacks. There is no reason to feel this way, but I do. I tried talking to him about it over the phone, but he doesn't understand, he's only been there twice when I've had panic attacks. And those were mild, caused by him. So he doesn't understand. At the moment I'm not in contact with anyone who does. So I'm trying to calm myself. I have candles lit, the kind that used to calm me, and I'm breathing. In...out...in...out. I'm counting my rhythm. I'm calming myself. I just wish I could understand why I feel this way. If its because I'm alone after a long week of not being alone, then it will only get worse when the sun goes down in an hour. If its because of the drama, then I can simply avoid it and calm myself and all will be fine. I would take a bath, but my bathtub scares me for undisclosed reasons. That will only make things worse. I would clean, but I don't want to make a lot of noise this late at night, I don't want to bother my neighbors. So I shall just sit here, breathe, and tell you how I'm feeling. I'm already feeling better. Thank you.
~Catailia
 
7/1/10 Ramblings

Dear you,
I just finished watching the last episode of Happy Town. Its a shame they decided to cancel it and wrap it up in two episodes, it felt like it needed more time. Everything went very quickly and in the end they left it with somewhat of a cliff hanger just in case they want to continue it after all. I think one more episode after the end would've been good but its all up to ABC.

~Spoiler Alert~

I was glad that they explained the state police guy, but disappointed by how they explained him. It didn't seem practical at all, to have his character be Xavier, but again, the ending was rushed. I liked how they explained the Merrit, that was good over all. The ending lacked a reason why Henley was involved, only that she knew Mrs. Haplin 'killed' Alice. Although I believe they tried to elude to Henley being the child of Merrit/Xavier and her mother or at least a half sister to the son that was kidnapped. And that her mother knew everything, even about the magic man, but didn't tell Henley, instead made her the tool to expose the magic man. I believe the mother knew she couldn't expose the magic man but if she sent her daughter to do it that she'd be able to. But that's all conjecture. The part I loved the most was when Tommy ask Mrs. Haplin, did you kill my mother, and she responds are you sure that's the question you should be asking. Implying, Why she killed his mother as the right question. And that was because she found out who the magic man really was...Alice! I found that plot twist extremely interesting, I hadn't expected it in the least. One because she was dead, and two because she seemed like a good person when she was alive. Man was I wrong. Although it certainly made for a great surprise. Though this is where the cliff hanger goes. What did Tommy do about Mrs. Haplin? Does he connect the dots about his mother? And where is Alice keeping the people? Why is she kidnapping people? Why is her husband and Mrs. Haplin covering it up? And what's up with the blue door and the grandson?! Are Alice and Mrs. Haplin working together? So why did Mrs. Haplin try to kill her?

~End Spoiler Alert~

There's just too many questions left unanswered. But I guess they'll never be answered unless ABC decides they got enough ratings in the end. At least for one more episode.
 
Dear you,
The story of my life is filled with drama and haunts me everyday. I have this horrible knack of remembering the bad and forgetting the good. The most prominent are the time my I watched my grandpa cut his head open when he was trying to work on his RV's engine. The time I cried and cried because of the pain I felt in my side that took my mom three days to take me to the hospital for and five hours for the doctors to figure out that it was my appendix getting ready to burst when I was eight. I remember the sadness I felt when I heard my mom pause on the phone with my grandparents, knowing what my mom was about to tell me, that my childhood best friend, my grandparents dog that grew up with me, died. I remember watching my best friend's dad hit her. I remember my dad touching me. I remember when I got raped. I remember so much. But these big things don't scar me the way he has. I've learned to coop with these. I don't know how to move past what he's done to me though, at least, I didn't.
Before I explain what happened, I need to give a little bit of history first. When I was a sophomore in high school, four years ago, I met someone online. For a long time we just spoke online, and then we moved to texting. One day he suddenly stopped texting me, messaging me, responding to me. It took two and a half months before he texted me again out of the blue. I was relieved, excited. Soon after that we started talking on the phone and things went well. Then he disappeared again. Two weeks this time. It hurt, everytime he abandoned me. This kept on for the next two years. Talking, him vanishing, talking again. Finally it seemed like he was done vanishing and we would move forward. We had developed strong feelings for each other after all that time. We planned on meeting after I graduated high school. But when I started my senior year I met Travis. He was my manager and he was nothing like anyone I ever crushed on. He was goofy and sweet and I had a tendency to go for jerks and assholes. Even so, he flirted with me in his goofy embarrassed way and I became confused about what to do. The man I had been talking too for so long, caring about and wanting, was merely a school year away, but my feelings diminished every time he had disappeared. Finally when he wanted me, I no longer was sure I wanted him. I called things off with him, explained that I wanted to try something new and that I was sorry. He was bitter and disappeared again. It hurt, but Travis was around now and things started to go wonderfully. The only flaw that I saw with him was his daughter. She was almost two at the time so she was still adorable and easy to enjoy. Our 'honeymoon' phase went well. There were nights I would sneak out from my house and spend with him. Days I would ditch school. Everything was going great with him but my home life was a mess. My mom was always angry and her boyfriend made me miserable. I was kicked out one night and instead of coming back like my mom expected I left town and stayed with a friend while Travis found an apartment for us. I moved in with him. By this time I had given up school, which I never did very well in to begin with, and my job, to be with him. Things went well at first, then there was a lot of fighting. A lot.
This is were the painful memories begin. He was still friends with his ex fiance, the mother of his child, even though she had been the one to call off their wedding to be with someone over the internet. I was okay with it, I didn't like it, but I was okay with it. But one thing led to another and I finally decided that she needed to be out of the picture for a little while, at least a few weeks while Travis and I dealt with our relationship. Travis agreed and told her they had to stop talking for a while, she flipped out. Things started to get better after that, until I got pregnant. We were both terrified, this wasn't what we wanted. He already had a two year old and we couldn't afford a child. Things quickly fell apart and I eventually had a miscarriage. I was so distraught over the miscarriage that I closed myself off from him. He was just as distant. After a lot of fighting I finally decided that I would go stay a night at my mom's house so we could sort out our feelings. We hadn't spent a night apart since we got the apartment, I figured the distance would help. I came back to him even more distant, when I asked him why he said nothing. Three days later, the morning of my birthday, after screaming and fighting all morning, he finally told me he cheated on me with his ex. Things ended. I was crushed. I moved into the second bedroom because I had no where else to go. A month went by and he was dating her again, rarely home since he was at her house, and it felt like there was ice between us. I was still hurt, but in love with him. He asked me to let her move in, I said it was fine, at least I'd see more of him. Things went well. I hid my feelings well and befriended the ex-new-girlfriend. Two months later they fell apart and broke up, basically because he admitted he still loved me, but not to her of course. She moved out and refused to be friends with me anymore and Travis was incredible distant with me. Eventually we started to fool around but put no labels on us. I started to work for my grandpa and would leave half of the week to do so. Finally we got back together. Not a week later I was told by his ex that he had tried to hook up with her again. I panicked and freaked out. He assured me that we weren't together and he was tired and barely remembered even doing that. I forgave him again.
Since then things have been better. He grew up and learned from what he had done and what he needed to do to keep me. But since then I've also felt like I've loved him less. We've fought and almost broken up many times in this past year but have worked through it. It wasn't until recently that I've finally learned how to let go of everything he had done to me. I had started talking to the guy I knew online, the one I met four years ago, and we flirted and such. Don't get me wrong, I think that my flirting while in a relationship is bad, but I'm glad I did. We recounted our old relationship together and I told him how badly he had hurt me all those times he disappeared. He apologized and said it would never happen again. I told him that I loved him but I would never choose him over Travis because I can't be sure he really wants me, loves me, and I know by how hard Travis fights for me that he really wants me. Travis does love me. Nathan didn't give up though and kept flirting with me. Finally after fighting with Travis one night and almost breaking up again I told Nathan that he needed to back off or we couldn't talk anymore, that I wanted to make things with Travis work. Nathan told me this: "I understand but you need to think about things. Are you going through all this because its love, or because you don't want to feel alone?" It dawned on me instantly. I once loved Nathan, but I don't anymore. I was only talking to him because it was nice to feel like I had someone if Travis and I didn't work out. I realized that it was foolish of me to do that. The reason why it isn't working with Travis is because I'm not giving it a chance to. I'm preparing for it to fail, thus expecting it to. Since I realized this I've stopped. I've never felt better with our relationship. Things feel amazing now, like they once did. I let go of Nathan, I disappeared this time from him, and I'm giving my relationship with Travis a real chance. It feels wonderful. Love.
~Catailia
 
8/8/10 ~ Life

Dear You,
I've been incredibly busy lately and my life has finally fallen into some kind of routine. No, that's not true... I suppose I've just been busy and its made me more comfortable. Thinking about it now the only routine I have is Travis' daughter on Tuesday and work in the morning on wednesday. Other than that everything is blissful chaos. Let's see...where to begin?
I hit two hundred pounds so I decided it was time I start dieting and exercising. I'm not one that particularly cares about how I look because of my 'fat', I know that I am beautiful and I can see that every day. I can see my eyes and my cute nose and my high cheek bones. I even love the little scars I have on my face. And I don't want to lose weight because I feel bad or sick or anything, I feel fine and I don't notice any sort of exhaustion in my life. I suppose I have a fear of losing control of my body. Ever since I was in fifth grade I stopped growing. I was 4'11" at 140 pounds until I reached my senior year in high school. I had a system and it worked well. I never even had to try and even though I was a bit heavier than some of my friends I didn't mind. I could still do all the things they did so it didn't concern me. When I started gaining weight I didn't really care either. I'm not sure if two years is a long time or short time for me to gain sixty pounds but considering the stress I went through and living on my own for the first time I don't see it as a big deal. Now that I have control over my life again and it's not chaos all the time I fear losing control of my body. All of my family has struggled with weight issues and when my mom and grandma were my age they weighed much more than I do. Even so, I fear having to struggle like my grandma and my mom did to lose weight. My grandma got a band around her stomach and is still rather heavy and my mom went on this awful diet for years to lose weight. She did end up weighing less than me before she got pregnant recently though and I'm proud of her for that. But I don't want to get to that point where I have to diet for years to feel in control of my body. I'd rather just take control now. So I've cut down my portions on food and I've been exercising at least an hour a day. I feel worse than when I wasn't worrying about my weight but I'm sure it'll pay off in the end. I've already lost five pounds in the first week I started and if I can lose twenty pounds in a month I'll go for another twenty after that.
Other than dealing with that I've also been redecorating our apartment. This is our second place and its about time we own some of our own stuff instead of just hand me downs. And now things actually match. A new book shelf, entertainment center, couch, rug for the kitchen, bathroom rugs and toilet cover. Next on the list is a new shower curtain and I think we'll be done for a while.
I've recently gotten two plants as well, both of them ended up being projects. People gave them to me almost dead and I had to try to revive them. The one I got a while back is thriving and I'm glad I brought it back. I've been traumatized of killing plants since I was younger because mom would let me have cacti and they'd always die. She'd make fun of me too, saying they're the easiest to take care of. Obviously not for me. Anyway, the other plant I just got and I'm not sure if I can bring it back. Its a tropical plant and from what I read about it it's incredibly picky. But I'm trying so we'll just have to wait and see.
That's all thats really been going on in my life recently but I've been busy being involved in my mom's life and my grandparent's life. My mom is doing well, pregnant with two girls and about two months left to go. She's very excited but I worry about her and her husband. I don't know if their marriage can handle babies like they think it can, but only time will tell. I've been helping her move furniture and clean since she pretty much a beached whale. XD She's already the size of a full term woman with one baby, and these last two months will be when she does the most of her growing. That'll be interesting.
While her life has been blissful I can't say the same for my grandparents. For as old as they are you'd think they'd make better decisions but they've kind of messed up. They decided to retire early and now they can't afford their house. My grandpa is so stubborn he won't admit they made a bad decision or that they should try to get jobs again. He's got this grand plan to buy a lot and put a manufactured home on it. And while that might be cheaper for the size, they should simply look for a smaller house or rent. But he's refusing to even consider that. I worry about them but there isn't much I can do since we live pay check to pay check.
Anyway, that's everything that's been going on. Currently I've been cross stitching pillows for the babies, exercising and reading "Flowers for Algernon" and "Crooked". I've been thinking about getting another pet too. I already have a maine coon kitty but I want another pet since he's Travis' cat. Our apartment is a small one room though so I'm not sure. I want either a small dog or another kitten. Kittens destroy things though and a small dog would need a kennel when I'm not home and we don't really have room for it. Decisions, decisions. What do you think?
~Catailia
 
8/11/10 Random

Dear you,
He hurt me so bad. I didn't realize how scarred I was from it until last night. I'm sorry, but I will never completely trust anyone again. I tried so hard to trust him and I thought I did but now I realize I never will, not competely, no matter who it is. I love him though, and he understands that I may never completely trust him, so we will keep trying and moving forward. He was the only one I never thought would hurt me and then he ripped my heart out and stomped on it. Its okay though, I accept it and he does too. He's better now and me...well, I'll never get hurt again.
~Catailia
 
8/15/10 ~ Life

Dear you,
It felt like it was such a short week but that was just because it was busy. I only lost about a pound this week because I didn't exercise much and I ate what I wanted. A lot. But that's fine, I still lost a pound and that's good. Nothing happened on Sunday but on Monday I went to stay with a friend while she was house sitting. It was fun, we did a lot of swimming. We ordered Chinese food and got drunk Monday night too. Fun fun. On Tuesday we went swimming again for longer and I got severely sunburned. So much for thinking I couldn't burn. I went home late that night and had a painful nights rest. Wednesday I worked and lounged because I was so burned it hurt to even breathe. Though Wednesday night I got a new pair of jeans and got drunk. Thursday I was very hungover so I couldn't do much unless I wanted to feel like I was going to throw up. Finally Friday I got to the gym and exercised for super long, trying to make up for the rest of the week. I pushed myself too hard though because on Saturday I couldn't move and do anything. I had pulled a muscle in my lower back. And that is why I only lost a pound. I'm going to exercise in a bit and start this week. I'm hoping to lose more than five pounds this week to make up for last week. Tomorrow I take my driver's test again and I'm nervous for that. I just want to get it over with.
~Catailia
 
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