Thoughts and reflections, please let me know what you think

Well, I've been here on BMR for about ten days or so. I have discovered somethings about myself and reaffirmed others. I have found a couple really good RPs and seen one or two disappointments. I've universally met some pretty awesome people. I've had my primary purpose for being her put on hold and am starting to get a little frustrated at that and that the one plot I really want to work on with a very literate and well though out co story teller keeps getting blank looks or immediate excitement then nothing. I did have it tried once, but that did not go well.

I have discovered that I do have an undiscovered kink. Incest. This really really surprised me. I genuinely had no idea at all. I am shocked at myself at how much I am enjoying it. I mean I do know there is a disconnect between writing and acting or ever fantasizing, which I have never done. But the writing and reading has deeply drawn me in.

I have also been told that a couple of the things that i have always done that I thought that just made me a good lover were supposedly kinks. See, I love to give oral. I mean I really really love it. I can do it for hours. I can honestly, with no shame say my favorite flavor is woman. I am also told that my need to make my partner climax so many time and so hard that she has to beg me to stop, often times with tears in her eyes from the pleasure. Like I said, I never thought of these things as kinks, just things that made me a good lover. Little did I know.

I reaffirmed that I cannot just not write BDSM, but I cannot even read it either. Violence toward women, any violence toward women makes me violent. I have been in six fights in my life, five of them have been in response to a violent act towards a woman. I have had to draw my gun six times in my life, four of those have been in response to, yeah you guessed it, violence to women. I even blacked out once and almost killed a man for slapping a friend. So yeah I do not respond well to violence toward women. (Just in case you are curious the other two times I have had to draw on someone was once in the military and the other during the short time I was a prison guard.) I tied to this particular plot line that leaned heavily toward BDSM and it just was not rewarding for either of us. I will admit, freely I only did it, firstly because I was interested in the challenge and then stayed with it because I really like my gaming partner. But like I said I could not, no matter how hard I tried, give her what she needed and wanted. I do feel shamed by that singular failing. But such is life.

I am in an RP the forums right now that I am loving and very much enjoy building (I hope) a solid friendship with the young lady I am gaming with. Its turning into a really good experience. I am in a very rewarding PM RP too. I am also in a couple RP in PM that I am uncertain about but am enjoying for them for what they are. Two have proven to be pure smut, which is new to me, but enjoyable for what it is and eye opening to boot.

Virtually everyone I've met here so far have been fantastic. I really enjoy writing with those that I have been writing with. They seem generally intelligent and certainly have their hearts in their RPing. I have interacted with a couple of people that I haven't RPd with or the RP just didn't peter out, but they have been pretty good folks too. I am pleasantly surprised by the quality of people here, I would not have thought coming in that this would be so universally the case, but it has been.

My primary reason for being here has been to explore questions of morality, particularly in relation to my primary character. I've put the poor bastard throw some serious changes in recent months and pushed his sense of morality to a beating. I have wanted to see how far i could push him till he broke. That opportunity has not been forth coming, but such is life.

The plot that i really wanted to work was a different matter all together. Again I love a challenge and have seen a certain pattern in the incest story lines here. I really wanted to take a different approach and see what happened. Like I said i started once, but that partner immediately went off script and started to try to turn my serious work into an anime. I had to bow out. That plot line is as follows, if anyone is curious and possibly wants to work on it with me:

My plot pitch.

I am thinking a landed Lord in a High Fantasy or Medieval setting. Either father/daughter or brother/sister, but not following the standard format. You know, normal relationship, till they begin to notice each other and are either thrown into a compromising situation or they are overcome by hormones. That's fine and well, but a bit cliche. I want something original. I want it to be a conscious and willing choice. I want it to be a true romance story, just with a twist. Of course for years its a purely normal relationship if a little too familiar. In literature there is a theme about the perfect life o the Garden of Eden and the the corruption of the world. The bliss of purity and innocence of Eden versus the “adult” concerns and appearances and pragmatism of the cold cruel world. I want their relationship to be their Eden and everything else the corrupt world. So at some point and for some reason they chose to accept their love for each other. Perhaps it is to get around the a law that requires all owners of land over a certain age to be married. Perhaps they at some point realize they will never find anybody that will love them as much as they love one another. Maybe they wake up one morning and discover they had unknowingly had these romantic (I can't stress enough that it not just to be sexual) feelings for each other all along. Or they come to realize they are too jealous of each other to allow room in their lives for anyone else. Then they have to decide on it together and decide to hide it or not care who knows. Deal with the public opinion and rumors about them. Again, this should come across more of a romance story than a story just about incest.

Well for now that's all I think I have, but if I come up with anything more i will certainly post again. Please leave comments. I eagerly await you guys and gals opinions and reactions. Thank you for your time and interest in my random musings.

A little something I wrote waking up one morning about ten years ago and hasn't seen the light of day since. I figured, "What the hell?"


He woke up with the beginnings of what promised to be a terrible headache. He knew there was something he had to remember to do, but just couldn't think of it. Pain lanced across his heart. Failure! Failure! A wasted potential, your life and what has it come to in the end? Failure. He could not escape the emptiness, the loneliness. All his life led chasing an impossible ideal. What was he a poppy eyed school boy? Why did maturity always come at the cost of such pain? Pain, failure, loneliness; these were the sign posts that showed him his place in the universe. The headache, the heartache, both products of the same condition; he was a loser. He reflected on this and looked over at his gun and wondered, "Will today be the day? Will the bullet actually fire for me today?" That was the other part of his suffering; he was not allowed to bring his own pain to an end. Another controlled his destiny. He didn't mind that at all, he didn't even mind the suffering so much. He just wanted a little happiness. His life was all suffering and bearing silent witness, why was he forbidden any lasting happiness? Yet, he reminded himself that he chose this for himself. A long time ago he gave himself over to just this thing. Granted, he thought he would be someone else, living some other life with enduring it, but yes, he had actually asked for suffering. What a fool he had been… No, he knew what was right and he was only bitter and wanted a little joy in his joyless life. He was what he was and now it was time for him to stop contemplating life and get out of bed. He had absolutely nothing to do that he had to get started working on. So he laid there for awhile longer. Then in a sudden burst of determination he sits up in bed and puts his feet on the floor. He opens his prayer book and so begins his day. Another day or routine nothingness and banality, his life. Such as it is. Welcome to my world, his mental narrator chimes in as if to help. His heart still hearting and his head beginning to throb, he now sets himself to saying his morning prayers. So he prays, and he pray and he is forever praying, but the silence becomes deafening.
Then there is the ex. Ex, what does that mean? People ask him and he always has the same answer. We have a history. She was almost twenty years his senior but looked his age. Altough they are the best of friends, she won't let herself be alone with him. The foundation of the house of there history is sex. She has nonchalantly told her girlfriends, he was the best sex he ever hand and most likely ever will. And what could he say about her? Bronzened complextion, dark hair, light eyes, large breasts; she smelled of a warm bahama breeze and tasted of a tart tangerine. When they touched, it was electric, a shock of passion would pass through them both. Better part of our nature he always reminded himself at such moments. Yet, at times, he could not help but lay in his bed and remember. He had a very good memory. Like feeding at the trough of her delight, slopping up all the juices of her ecstacy. More than a few times she had to push him from the banquet to save her own sanity. How oft does one find another to transcend the physical and enter into the higher realms with a lover? Yes, his memory was just fine.
They were more then that though; he knew her all of her and she him. Still a commonly held affection, a mutual trepidation, yes, much more then just the foundation in this house. As much as there was, there wasn't. They agreed on a great deal, but for every point of agreement, was a point of contention. She called him a conservative, like it was a dirty word. He called her by emotional. She had the soul of a gypsy, most assurdedly and he, the soul of a suffering servent. Never the twain shall meet, but they did have a history. Then there was the Other. The Other was her friend. She wanted to set him up with the Other. She wants him to be safe. She needs him to be safe. What is safety? An overrated, overused and illusion of a word, is safety. She wants him safe; she needs the illusion…
What to do about the Other though? She was sweet enough, cute, and lithe. He didn't even know if she was interested, or if he was interested in getting into a situation for someone else's design. Mostly, though, he knew that he had always ultimately failed in affairs of the heart because he was neither interested in nor possessed the accoutrements of a comfortable life. The Other seemed to be in a similar situation, weather from choice or circumstance remained to be seen. She and the Other were to take him out for the anniversary of his imprisonment in the fetters of this mortal coil.
Then there was the Friend. A Friar Tuck of sorts and the only saving grace for his sanity. Tuck was a great friend and a near twin in out look and tastes. He was blessed, deeply blessed, in this one regard at least. Tuck was a good if lonely friar, set in the heart of obscurity. When people think of friars, they tend to think of a character rather than a man; and the friars for their own part have come to believe it is better to show the world the character. Tuck shows him the man. He is subsumed with affection for the glimpse of the man. A rare and truly godly site, the site of the man.
Too, there was his own internal life, a quiet life of dispassion and mystical contemplation. How did he phrase it when pressed; "I see far". When unduly pressed he would respond somewhat desperately; "I will be no one's Rasputin." Rarely some one will ask how his insight works, to whit he is left forever speechless. How can one explain the truly inexplicable? To presume to put words to that which has never been spoken and never meant to be, that is beyond tolerance of reason.

I remember a lot of this.

Wow, you actually joined. I'm impressed. This is so far outside your wheelhouse...

Caverlyl said:

I remember a lot of this.

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I know that a few here have heard me say I will not play BDSM or any scene involving violence to a female by a male of any kind. I know here that is likely looked upon as odd and peculiar. Let me try to explain were I am and my thoughts on the matter.

I have a very very strong negative physical reaction to violence against women. It evokes an anger that is so deep in me that it has made me physically ill in the past. Ok, let's see if this helps. I've only been in six fights in my life. Five have been because of a violent act towards a woman. I've drawn my gun on another human being exactly six times in my life, four of those times well, yep you guessed, some jack ass was smacking a woman around. Once, in collage, I was in the quad and saw a friend of mine from across the quad, get smacked by her bf. The next thing I remember is being pulled off him. I had him on the ground with my knife to his throat. I think I really might have killed him if not for friends of mine who saw the incident and knew me well enough to chase after and pull me back. My aversion is so strong that in the past I've been asked to "spank" a partner and I was physically ill. Like I said I have a very strong reaction to it.

Its fine and well IRL. Some have even called me a "real" man, whatever that means. But here, in a fantasy world, in a made up setting, it is completely disproportionate and unwarranted. So, no, I do not want to learn to like or appreciate it. That's not going to happen. I need to learn not to want to strangle the life out of the male characters I read about. I need to desensitize myself, like I said. Even the stuff here that isn't in this vein, much has shades of it. I need to learn, not to like it, but to be more at ease with it in these fantasy settings.

Thank you.

Well, I've weather the Hurricane well enough though was down for about a week and to those you you that I am in RPs with and bother to read this I am deeply sorry but I cannot control the weather, yet. While I have been down I have had an occurrence that has highlighted and issue I have been becoming increasingly aware of and thought I'd share it here to see if any one had any ideas or thoughts to share. So here goes:

I am finding language to be a bit of an issue here too. I have never been a "cock and balls" type of writer. I have always used a much more florid and descriptive language in my love scenes particularly. If you will excuse the crudity of the example, whereas on writer would say: "Yeah I stuck my cock in in that bitches cunt and rode her all night long" I would write something more along the lines of "and the waves of passion and desire swept them up into a heady oneness of pleasure which they crested over and over till the sun kissed the night darkened shores." I have loosened up a little and can and have used cock and cunt and tits where I felt it was most properly applied. I do, however, still find dick, pussy and fuck to be very cringe worthy words. I won't use them and prefer my writing partners not either. I can let a peppering of dick and pussy go for a well written story but a fuck? I'm do with the RP. To my mind, fucking is what animals do, what you do with a stranger in a dark dirty alleyway at night. Its one step away from rape. So while I have been trying to acclimate to the culture and much younger preferences in how to use language, I guest for this old fart there simply are some lines I will not cross.

I”M going to be out of town for a week or so. I will be back no later than Tuesday Jan 3

Edward Thatch said:

I”M going to be out of town for a week or so. I will be back no later than Tuesday Jan 3

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Yes that sounds about right, lol. Love ya!!!

For anyone I might be in an RP with. I am having timing and health issues. I will respond in due course but it might be a bit. My five hour a week volunteer position suddenly turned into a 40 hour a week situation for the last several weeks. Recently I woke one more with out my eye sight. I went to the ER and was told I'm a diabetic and given pills. My vision has returned but comes and goes each day off and one. So please just bear with me. Thank you.