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Burning Bridges (A lousy pun title for my journal)

God, yesterday was depressing. I realize now that the holidays lack any happy for me. Nothing is like it used to be. My family is scattered and even those close to me in distance keep their distance in person. I said a grand total of maybe a dozen words to my mother, and that was at the end of the night... All I did all morning was cook while everyone else played around. So much for my day off... It's just depressing, and I'm glad it's over. I had dreams last night of family that was gone. It was real enough that I woke up expecting to be in my grandparents' house. But I wasn't. I couldn't be. Because they are both gone. And that realization sucks so hard. I miss them so much. When they were here holidays were worth something. Hell, everyday was awesome when I had family around me.

And I know I can't have that back. Which sucks. I just am not sure I care about the holidays enough to celebrate them. Not when I feel this way afterwards.
 
Well, this year ends just as shitty as it started. But that's about par for the course. Lonely as fuck. Depressed. Angry. Wishing I were lacking of sobriety. Normal people go out and party it up on New years eve. I worked, then came home and shut myself in my bedroom, because that's about all there is to do. I have no clue why I'm so down tonight, but I am. I kinda wanna cry, but I'm too tired to even bother. Fuck it. Fuck 2010. And fuck 2011.
 
Fucking bitch sister needs to rot in hell. So sick of her school stuff fucking us all over. She didn't have to go to that school. She was told if she went to the school in the next town over, it would not be allowed to interfere with everyone else's lives. And yet it fucking does. Every fucking chance it gets. We can do NOTHING because our lives center around her fucking schedule. She does nothing when she gets home, then has the audacity to think we're pushing her to hard when we have her do the chores she's been alotted. Fucking bitch. I think dad should force her to go to the school here in town. But he won't grow a pair and do so. It's fucking stupid. I can't wait to get out of this hell hole. All I wanted was a nice meal because I live off of ramen and fucking bottled tea during the work week. But no. She fucks that up. Every fucking time. If dad was smart he'd take us out to eat and let that stupid little bitch fend for herself. She wanted to go to that school. Let her deal with the unpleasantries that come with it. He has no qualms doing family dinner without me when I work (I have to, mind you, or the shit hits the fan) but when it's because of a school choice that dumb cunt made, everyone's supposed to just deal with it. Fuck that. Make her go to the school here in town, and stop fucking catering to her goddamned whims. She burnt her bridges here. Don't let her fucking run away from it. As is she's already got people wanting to kick her stupid ass in the other school too. So much for a fresh start, yeah?
 
Been feeling a little wierd today. Bleh. Sentimental and sad and stuff. It's weird. People whom I'm trying to move past seem to spring up as a source of discomfort. I'm just going to blame it on the fact that Valentine's day is 3 days away, and I don't particularly care much for said holiday because it reminds me of the whole single thing. *shrugs* Oh well. It'll be done soon enough, then I can tuck away this sentimental bullshit for another year. Yay!
 
I feel thoroughly defective. It fucking suuuuuucks. I can't draw or right anything. Which is bad cuz when I'm down like this, that's the only thing that picks me up. I feel like the goals I'm pursuing are pointless. I don't feel like I'm even close to a talented enough artist, and it's pissing me the fuck off, because that's all I've got. I'm not academically brilliant. Not a fantastic writer. Not extraordinary at anything. So where is my future gonna be? What kind of career can I hope for with now marketable talents at my disposal. Looks like Walmart is going to become a little more long term that I want it to be. I hate feeling like this. It feels hopeless. Like I'm not good enough at any one thing to have a future. It's not really a fun place to be right now. Dunno if this is just another bout of depression or if this is me realizing nothing will come of my aspirations. God, I hope it's the first one.
 
We all suffer that. I can't help too much, but I want to reassure you, you're not the only one to go through this. Best advice I can recommend is to just keep going. If you're not good enough, work on getting better. Try new things, push yourself artistically. I don't know if anything will come of it; very little has come of my writing, after all, but I still keep going. Slowly, but I haven't given up entirely. And you shouldn't give up on your art, either. Do what you have to do, keep an eye on job and career, sure, but keep the art going. You can do it; everyone starts off, everyone goes through this kind of moment. The trick is not to let it stop you.
 
Still not over the bump. But in brighter news, I report that my fear of losing boob whilst losing weight was unfounded. If anything they look more pronounced since I've thinned out. Fuck yeah! They aren't huge, but I'm still pleased with them.
 
Well today started out craptastical. But when I came home it got awesome. Won a bunch of nifty things in a contest. Cool enough that I won. Even cooler is the fact that I didn't know and just found out today that I won.
 
I pretty much hate the way things are right now. I'm lonely as fuck. I can't even get close to anyone as friends. I need to fucking get out. I hate this house. I hate this town. I hate feeling trapped. And even if I were to get out what does it matter because I'm apparently incapable of interesting people with my presence. I have no truly close friends. No prospects for a relationship. So tired of people being distant. If I try, they push me away. If I don't then I'm being cold. Am I that repulsive that I can't make lasting friendships or relationships? It's fucking frustrating. I'm tired of being alone. I do nothing besides go to work anymore.
 
<hugs> I hate to sound like a broken record, but you're not alone, and you aren't suffering by yourself. I think we all, all humans, go through that at some time or another. Every one of us. Some of us are going through that right now. It's hard, and it's scary, and it doesn't seem like it'll end. But you have to stay open, my dear. You have to keep hope alive, because even if now is not a good time for that stuff, one day will be the right time. Maybe in a different city, maybe in a different life that you'll have when you get sick enough of your current one to change it. But it'll happen, you just have to give it time, be patient, and do what you can when you have the opportunity. I believe you can do it.
 
Fucking mood swings. Rapid, violent ones that put my flat on my ass. From happy, to blazing rage, to monstrous depression in the course of about 30 minutes (Maybe?). Is that some sort of record? I can't fucking handle it. If you can't tell I'm at the raging point of another one. I'd like to do some serious harm to someone. Like physically, mentally, emotionally. All of the above. I don't want hugs. I want to gut someone with a fucking rusty metal spork. But fucking guilt prevents all that. I really am so damned tired of moods that change fast enough to give me whiplash.
 
Went for my birthday dinner tonight... Dad's girlfriend sorta pissed on my parade though. Told me I wasn't putting enough back into savings. I put half back of every check. She just can't be satisfied. I get it. She thinks I'm a failure. I'm never working hard enough for her. If they would put me on full time, I'd be thrilled. But they won't. First it was all she wanted for me to get a job. Now I've got one, and that's not good enough. Now she sits there and continually reminds me that I'm behind because her kids moved out immediately after high school, and I still live at home. I get it. I'm not as smart, or mature, or responsible as her kids. I fail at life. I'm convinced that's what she wants to hear from me. Damnit, I'm trying. Like hard. I've got a hairline fracture in my ankle, and yet I haven't missed a day of work over it. I felt bad the day I missed work because I was puking. I felt guilty. The thought never crossed my mind to ask for my birthday off, because I needed the hours. But I'm still not working hard enough. It's frustrating. So tired of being belittled. Happy fucking birthday too me.
 
I feel like I'm losing control of myself. I hit these panic attacks for one reason or another and they just fuck with me all around. I can't handle anything, and I feel helpless, and useless. I'm going to end up losing everyone I care about because I can't control my emotions. My mind keeps telling me that no one cares, and I'm always feeling alone. So why, then, am I pushing everyone away with my antics? Why can't I keep a reign on this? I need help, but I don't know how to get it. I lack resources. And when I try to tell someone else that could help me, they don't believe me. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to be the girl people dread talking to because they never know what's going to trigger a meltdown. I don't want to be alone. I want people to care, and be there for me. I need the support, but I just push everyone away by being obnoxious with my displays of emotion. Why am I like this? I was happy for a while. Why is the depression coming back so hard and throwing me like this? I need it to stop. I want to function in this life. I want to be worth something to myself, my friends, my family, and society as a whole. I want to change things for other people, and to their world better. But how can I do that when I can't change my own life and make it better? How do I fix myself and become better, with no help? I need to do this for myself, because I don't have the support network to lean on others. And I don't have the resources. I feel trapped by my own mind. This sucks.
 
Have you tried fish oil?

I have pretty much the exact same situation. I'm liable to break people (and myself) if I don't get a DHA/EPA supplement.

For me it doesn't cure sadness, just the irrational 'oh my god they hate me' crap. I can tell when I start losing it and literally feel when it starts to kick in a few hours after I take them.
 
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