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Are you ready for some Textual Intercourse?

Joined
Jun 20, 2015
Location
Melbourne, Australia
Greetings!

It seems everyone loves to preface their request thread with extensive and complex requirements to show how selective or anal retentive they are, so I figured I probably should do the same.

First of all, I only role-play through fax machines. I realize this is can be quite restrictive for some of you, particularly since I don’t even have access to one of these myself, but I’m sure you’ll find that once you try it, that there is no greater thrill than having to stand by an archaic piece of 90s technology in anticipation of receiving a piece of smut-filled prose in hard-copy format. This is particularly true if you use a shared machine at your workplace and have to live in fear of your boss reading the aforementioned prose (or better still, a misinterpreted f-list) that has been addressed to you, before you can pull it off the incoming tray.

While many of you have high expectations in terms of literacy, as someone coming from an engineering background, I expect my writing partners to have at least a basic level of numeracy, instead. While I don’t require you to be able to solve second order differential equations (although if you could while wearing a skimpy Nazi outfit, that would be so hot!), I do expect you to be able to perform fundamental algebraic operations. There is nothing more disheartening than being in the middle of a role-play where Tom is thrusting at the rate of one stroke per three seconds, and Holly requires 20 more strokes to achieve orgasm, when she breaks into a monologue about the best way to crochet a pair of socks (a common kink with many of my partners), which clearly takes more than a minute to complete, before climaxing. It completely ruins the believability of the scene.

Ideally, you would be able to produce at least two paragraphs per post. If you can only write one line, feel free to insert a line break in the middle and hope that I can’t tell the difference. In terms of frequency, anything between 20 Hz and 20 kHz is acceptable for my hearing range. As a courtesy, if you are unable to respond for a week or more, it would be highly appreciated if you could let me know that you are clearly leading a far more interesting life than myself. Also, if you ever get tired of a role-play, please don’t just stop writing and leave the story hanging. Instead, please send a final post to wrap up the plot by having a herd of angry stampeding African elephants enter the scene, and crushing all the main characters. Once again, communication is the key!

As a general rule, I prefer writing in fourth person, future tense. This is where the story is told from the perspective of the psychic advisor of a wandering homeless vagrant that follows the main characters around. For the purposes of suddenly needing to conclude a story, you can also assume the vagrant is riding on an African elephant.

Thanks for reading this far! Here is a list of some of my favorite settings and genres:
• Traditional medieval fantasy, where the success or failure of every action (no matter how trivial) is determined by a roll of a twenty sided die and a series of complex modifiers.
• Solar-punk – An emerging literary genre similar to steampunk, but more environmentally friendly. In a world run by left-wing bureaucrats, the masses are forced to use the cleanest and politically correct form of energy. Gun control is enforced by the fact that the only state sanctioned weapons are 3 volt taser guns that display messages telling their targets why their viewpoint is outdated, clearly uninformed or misguided. They also take around twelve hours to charge on a sunny day. This makes for some great extended battle scenes.
• Pokémon (the video games, not the cartoons, which tend to give me epileptic seizures) - I prefer to play one of the minor characters whose sole purpose is to wander around in circles, waiting to deliver a single line of dialog that has no bearing on the plot.
• Low-tech cyberpunk – a hypothetical retro dark future where society is controlled by anarcho-capitalistic mega street vendors, and where citizens jack into an 8-bit virtual reality controlled by a Commodore 64 via a 300 baud modem.
• Victorian-era romance (just kidding – any heterosexual male that lists this is just messing with you, ladies)

Kinks
• Traffic cones used as marital aids
• Bubble wrap (especially if fashioned into seductive clothing)
• Encounters that take place in the military history section of a bookshop
• Belly button fluff
• Characters who have a tendency to insert batteries the incorrect way round into electrical appliances
• Unexpected guest appearances by Hello Kitty

Limits
• Jazz music
• Celebrity chefs
• Being shrunk down to a six inch tall circus midget by an evil scientist then used as a human dildo on Hillary Clinton (too many requests for this)
• Socks worn with sandals
• Used toilet paper play (unless done tastefully)

Favorite Pairings (my role shown in italics)
• Indian telemarketer x irate Eastern European crime boss
Professional Balloon Animal Sculptor x Crack Addict Whore
• 1950s housewife x Star Wars Tusken Raider
T-shaped Tetris piece x zig-zag Tetris piece
• The entire Miss Universe contingent x Stephen Hawking


Plot Ideas

Bearing the Load for Teddy

A woman in her late thirties is shopping for a stuffed toy for her teenage son who suffers from Down syndrome. Although she constantly tells him how special and unique he is, she is unaware of the full extent. While wandering down the aisle and no one else is watching, the boy uses his special powers to bring the teddy bears to life. The bears proceed to throw themselves at the boy’s mother, cling to her legs, and eventually knock her down to the floor where they gang rape her. While she is recovering, one of the bears named Bosco, teaches the boy about the importance of road safety.

Stupidnatural

A psychic (or psychotic, if you prefer) investigator is teamed up with an overzealous FBI agent to investigate a minor copyright infringement involving a family from Arkansas illegally downloading a copy of the Paddington Bear movie. Things take a dramatic twist when one of the investigators becomes possessed by a malevolent spiritual entity living within the family’s hard drive containing bootleg copies of Eastern European hardcore pornography, the entire Taylor Swift discography, and a set of poorly translated Japanese RPGs. The psychic and the FBI agent hate each other, and the one that doesn't become possessed also hates Taylor Swift.

Antiques Roadshow (UK version)

I would play a stuffy 67 year old English geriatric appraiser with a tweed jacket and hemorrhoids that flair up at unfortunate moments. You would play an overweight housewife from Yorkshire who wears funny hats like the queen, and constantly remarks, “Good heavens!” While at a local garage sale, your character had purchased what she hoped was a rare early 18th century French rolling pin for her extensive private collection. In actual fact, it turns out to be an early 21st century Chinese manufactured double headed wooden dildo that was used by the lesbian couple next door. Nevertheless, the host enthusiastically describes the history, design, and craftsmanship of the artifact in extensive detail, and to the surprise and delight of both onlookers and BBC viewers, attempts to demonstrate its many versatile uses to the housewife.

Gangnam Style

While traveling on a subway, your character (a sexy lady) encounters my character (a slightly overweight but lovable Korean pop star). Unconcerned of potential hygiene issues, you proceed to perform a seductive pole dance on one of the handrails, while I pretend to use an invisible lasso and run toward you in slow motion. When we finally meet, we are both overcome with passion and express our feelings for each other by dancing enthusiastically on invisible horses. Please note, this will be strictly m/f, and I have no interest in anyone wanting to play a sexually ambiguous guy in a fluorescent yellow suit with oversized sunglasses, or an almost equally bad dressed smiling guy in a cowboy hat who spends his spare time air humping in elevators.

Free Willy

A perverted drone enthusiast castrates himself and attaches his organ to a variety of quadcopters, before flying them around various nudist beaches, demonstrating the video recording capabilities of each model on his popular YouTube channel. You could play as an attractive female beach goer with an extensive backstory who ends up on the wrong beach by mistake and is reluctantly forced to strip by a roaming gang of hardcore naturists. Alternatively, you could also play an obese feminist with excessive body hair and an irrational fear of having an unmanned aircraft lodged in one of her body cavities.

Scooby Cthulhu (Cthulhu mythos – Scooby Doo crossover)

A paranormal investigation marriage made in heaven, or at least Hanna-Barbera animation studios. Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby drive around a fictionalized 1920s New England in a 1960s panel van. While the Great Old Ones are able to drive most mortals to the brink of insanity at the mere hint of their very existence, our intrepid paranormal investigators are able to capture Cthulhu himself in the space of 30 minutes, and pull off his octopus head to reveal H.P. Lovecraft’s even scarier looking face. It turns out that there was no cosmic conspiracy after all, but rather, Mr Lovecraft was trying to use the deity to cover up his prohibition era bootlegging operation. (Bonus points if you are willing to play Velma in this one, and participate in an anal fisting scene!)

A Puppy for Hugo

Hugo’s upbringing was anything but conventional. As an overweight, mentally retarded fan of superhero comics, he had to endure much in the way of spiteful teasing and hurtful taunts from the other boys in his neighborhood, at school, and in his rhythmic gymnastics class. However, through a combination of stoic resilience, the patient love of his single mother and mind-altering drugs from his psychotherapist, Hugo managed to carve out his own little niche in the cruel and hostile world into which he was born.

But things are about to change for young Hugo.

Today is Hugo's eighteenth birthday. That means he will be able to finally click on the “Yes, I’m 18 years or older” button on pornographic websites, rather than the other one that typically redirected him to www.disney.com. Not only this, but Hugo is sure that he is going to get a puppy for his birthday. After all, man’s best friend is a dog, and today he was going to become a man, so surely his own mother couldn’t deny him a best friend?

Unfortunately for Hugo, his mother doesn’t believe her son doesn't have the mental capacity nor the emotional maturity to be able to properly care for a small furry animal. Instead, she purchases an oversized plush dog for him, complete with big ears that flap, a leather collar, and a leash. Hugo is initially grateful and joyous at his new gift, but several hours later, he comes to the bitter conclusion that his dog isn’t real. He feels hurt and betrayed by his mother, and something soon snaps inside his childlike mind. He is determined to have a real, live puppy at any cost, and with uncompromising determination, he finds a solution as unconventional as himself, but as conventional as pretty much any other pet-play roleplaying request on here.

Where the Fuck is Wally/Waldo?

After joining an online support group for people with an unhealthy sexual attraction to exhaust pipes, you meet up with up with a strange and mysterious adolescent who identifies himself only as Wally (or Waldo, if you live in North America). Wally’s photo shows him dressed in a red and white horizontally striped shirt, sporting a matching beanie with pom-pom, and a pair of geeky glasses – pretty much the classic bad boy look that all woman love, compelling them to commit carnal acts with him, and bear his children. It isn't long before you decide to meet up in real life, with Wally inviting you to a massive Roman style orgy. Who says romance is dead?

The only problem is that there are so many people there, how will you ever be able to find him? Especially with the surprisingly high proportion of red and white togas to throw you off. During your search you may also run into Wilma (if girl on girl action is your thing), Woof (if doggy style is your favorite position), and Wizard Whitebeard (if hirsute older men wielding long “magic staffs” gets your pulse racing).

The Price of Love

Dream Dates Escort Agency is about to expand its offer a new service to its customers. In recent years, the so-called “Girlfriend Experience” has proven popular with its male clientele. With the girlfriend experience, the escort provides a range and of intimate services that a man might reasonably expect to receive from a girlfriend, assuming they weren't such a loser that they were using an escort agency in the first place. In turn, the man would hand over a significant sum of money to their girlfriend without question, similar to how a realistic relationship would be expected to function.

The agency has now launched a new service called the “Wife Experience”. In the wife experience, the client is expected to perform home maintenance activities, listen to their assigned female provide them with overly detailed accounts of their day, and recall esoteric details of any offspring she may have (for example, their names). In return, the assigned wife will berate the client, point out any deficiencies in his attributes or personal hygiene habits, and continuously remind him of all his past failures and transgressions. Due to its nature and duration, the wife experience is significantly more expensive than the girlfriend experience, but when it comes to long term commitment, lifeless romance, and requests for sexual pleasure met with constant refusal, who can put a price on love?

Obvious not Neville Parkinson, who has just selected the “Naughty Nuptials” package. Unfortunately for Neville, he fails to read the terms and conditions before signing up, and it turns out that his wife experience becomes more realistic than he had originally envisaged, locking himself into an expensive long term contract that would make even the most successful mobile phone salesman blush. You would get to play Neville’s newly assigned bride, who will happily push him to the point where the “til death do us part” clause begins to look attractive. This roleplay would be long term, unless you decide to play as a Hollywood celebrity.

The Blind Date

Your character has just been set up on a blind date by her best friend’s gym instructor’s pet psychiatrist’s personal underwear consultant. The story would begin with the realization of just how unexpectedly literal your acquaintance was, after you arrive at the restaurant to find a man in dark sunglasses and his trusty guide dog, waiting for you. Of course, being visually impaired, offers many possible enjoyable moments for the male protagonist, such as:
• Accidentally copping a feel when he politely tries to shake his date’s hand.
• Accidentally copping a feel when he tries to tenderly console his date after she shares the tragic story of her grandmother’s battle with cancer.
• Accidentally copping a feel when he tries to tip the waitress at the end of the meal.
• Accidentally copping a feel when he mistakenly tries to enter the women’s restroom (assuming you are comfortable with playing multiple characters).

I envisage the story developing into a heartwarming tale about society's need to accept and value the inner beauty of a person. It would also be a metaphoric exploration of Napoleon’s invasion of Russia in 1812.

Some possible resolutions of the story may include:
• The man’s date promises to take him back to her apartment for passionate love-making, but on the way out, secretly arranges for one of the waitresses (or even worse, a gay waiter by the name of Julio) to lead him out by the arm, while she does a runner.
• The date is tragically cut short (or perhaps takes an unexpected erotic twist depending on your kinks) when the guide dog takes a leak on the man and proceeds to hump his date’s leg under the table.
• It turns out that the aforementioned ‘copping a feel’ was less than accidental when it is revealed that it is the dog that is actually blind, and the man is its seeing eye person.

Family Values (Thanks to Tiffy Collins for the original ideas on which this story is based)

Cooter Hunter is a paranoid conspiracy theorist in the fictional American town of Southern Comfortville. After civil war breaks out between US government militia forces donning Donald Trump wigs and whining left-wing rioters who according to Cooter, “didn't fuck off to Canada like they promised”, the redneck father now believes a nuclear apocalypse is nigh.

Cooter ushers his wife and teenage son and daughter into his private underground bunker that he had built himself, carefully lined with Confederate flags fashioned from a unique polymer composed of radioactive proof lead and cotton picked by the African slaves of his ancestors which he refers to as BBCs (Big Black Captives). Concerned that the human race (or at least the Aryan race) will not survive the brutal war ensuing on the surface, he concocts a devious plan to try to bring his offspring together to do as nature intended - assuming nature intended everyone to breed like incestuous rabbits.

Cooter informs his children that water for showering needs to be rationed to twenty minutes a day, due to limitations on his bunker’s private pipeline to the nearby geothermal springs. This means that they will need to shower together in pairs: firstly himself and his wife, followed by themselves. Bedding is also at a premium, with only two sleeping bags available to get them though the cold Southern Comfortville nights. Guess they will need to pair up again. Then of course, there are those regular Geiger counter checks that need to be performed by the men of the bunker. “Make sure you check all her cavities, son. We can’t afford her to have any hidden uranium deposits!”

Like a lambada contest in an old people’s home, things soon take an unexpected twist, and the family bunker is visited by a descendant of one of Cooter’s ancestor’s BBCs, seeking refuge in their shelter. Cooter is initially suspicious of the intruder, pointing a double barrel shotgun at his face and threatening him with some good ol’ fashioned southern hospitality. However, with the encouragement of his wife and the offer of several cases of squirrel meat of which the family is now running perilously low, Cooter reluctantly agrees to take in the stranger who identifies himself simply as “Big Richard”.

The decision is one Cooter soon regrets, as Big Richard takes over the control of the family’s meat supply in more ways than one, with his wife soon falling under his spell (Level 5 Magic Missile). His only hope now is for the fruit of his loins to carry on the family line before it becomes vengefully corrupted and his grandchildren grow up listening to Big Richard’s so-called rap “music” rather than developing a deep appreciation of his own finely honed banjo playing skills.

Russian Groom

We’ve all seen those pieces of spam email from supposedly attractive Russian or Eastern European women looking to find their soulmate (or maybe you haven't - maybe they just send email to me, because I'm special… I’m not sure). I was thinking with all of those woman pursuing romantic relationships with western men, there must be a lot of poor single men from former communist eastern bloc countries who are missing out. Eventually, they too will start sending emails to western women seeking lifelong bliss. I will play an overweight drunken misogynist without enough vowels in his name to be pronounceable. I will write in broken English and replace all my ‘w’s with ‘v’s in order to pretend I have a sexy accent. Will I be everything your character truly desires in a man? Or will I be a part of an elaborate scam to steal your money and spend it all on vodka? This will all be part of the mystery. Especially since I haven't really thought through the plot yet.

White is the New Black

Things are about to change in the inner urban black neighbourhood ghetto of Kentucky Fried City. Quinton W. Spencer III (known simply as Quinton W. Spencer III to his friends) has just relocated his modest accounting practice to one of the most violent patches of concrete on the east coast. Quinton might not be some tall athletic basketball player, or some fancy-pants drug lord or street gang leader, but the pale and dumpy 36 year old’s fidget spinner skills have garnered the attention of every black housewife who he passes on the way to his weekly Magic the Gathering games night. In hushed whispers, these women speak of Quinton’s reputed sexual prowess and rumours of his penis size. Some of the more fanciful reports of his manhood claim to be under three inches when in a fully erect state, such as when he is viewing a limited edition foil version of the Toe Fungus Outbreak card.

In contrast to Quinton’s exciting life, Ethel Chocolate-Barr leads a much more mundane existence. Her marriage is becoming dull and stale as night after night she finds hers being taken by her well-endowed muscular husband. For hours on end, her nether regions are subject to penetration in all manner of positions, her cavities flooded with copious quantities of his seminal fluid, while enduring wave after wave of earth-shattering orgasms through her body. All she really secretly craves is a simpler, less demanding sexual experience to give her more time for the things she values most in life. Like watching funny videos of cats on YouTube.

When Ethel is sent off by her husband to file his annual income tax return, she ends up meeting Quinton at his newly established office, complete with some of the finest crafted molded plastic chairs she has ever seen. She is impressed by Quinton’s ability to identity lump sum deductions, as well as his views on horizontal equity, and soon her imagination gets the better of her, unable to help wonder if the rumors are true and he’s just as inspiring between the bedsheets as he is with his balance sheets. When Quinton suggests she redistribute her liquid assets into a privately managed capital guaranteed fund, it can only mean one thing - but is she prepared to risk her high interest joint holdings account on such a conservative investment?

Mating Season

It is the year 2037. A brand new live broadcast television series is about to be launched called ‘It’s a Knock Up’. In this reality game show, several lucky female contestants are dressed in open-crotch panda outfits and set loose through futuristic Tokyo, racing to complete a series of pointless challenges in a similar vein to The Amazing Race, but without the annoying gay couples. During the game, the contestants are pursued by various male social outcasts, each vying for the possibility of being able to continue their genetic line by impregnating contestants during their most fertile period of the month. The roleplay will be peppered at random moments (usually whenever I run out of ideas) with monologues from the main characters, and will conclude with each of the contestants being asked awkward questions by Phil Keoghan at the finish line. My proposed social outcasts include:

Tonchiki-san
After a tragic accident as a child in which a television fell on his head, Tonchiki-san believes he is some kind of anime superhero. Everything he says is overly dramatic and is often spoken in poorly translated English. His movements are jerky and he strikes ridiculous random poses at inappropriate moments in the mistaken belief that they will have some great impact on those about him. A diligent practitioner of the martial art style known as kung-fubar, Tonchiki-san is a serious threat to any foe - as long as they are six years or younger and aren’t with their mother. He is accompanied by a sidekick in the form of a stuffed cat named ‘Furball’ who has one eye missing and whose tongue hangs out the side of its mouth.
[Faceclaim: PSY]

Fat Kevin
Sporting a pink bow tie with stylish animated green LED stripes, Fat Kevin is a true wizard when it comes to buying useless gadgets online. From his trusty USB powered tricycle with inbuilt vending machine detection capabilities, to his semi-automatic NERF rocket launcher with vaginal fluid seeking missiles, no task is too simple for his ridiculous collection of shoddily constructed devices imported from Communist China. Fat Kevin is accompanied by a sidekick in the form of an inflatable Hentai sex doll with artificial bimbo intelligence named Ichihinee.
[Faceclaim: Michael Moore]

Rodzilla
The result of an unholy (but surprisingly consensual) union between a giant robotic lizard monster and a Japanese floral artist, Rodzilla’s imposing 12 foot frame and fearsome leathery exterior make him a firm favorite with bookmakers - both to win the event and to collect outstanding gambling debts. Normally a placid creature, Rodzilla tends to get worked up whenever he reads opposing views on online forums, often flying into an uncontrollable rage and causing excessive amounts of property damage. Many believe Rodzilla is simply misunderstood. Others who claim to actually understand his rare reptilian dialect, express the opposing view that he is an annoying piece of shit. Most of those people are now homeless. Rodzilla is accompanied by a sidekick in the form of a North Korean dictator with access to nuclear weapons.
[Faceclaim: Dennis Rodman]

Clowning Around

A psychopathic hacker clown lurks on online erotic roleplaying sites, reading female request threads where he carefully selects his victims, breaks into their accounts, steals their personal information, and arranges for a giant cake to be delivered to their home address on their birthday. When the unsuspecting female victim opens the box, the clown jumps out of the cake and yells, "Surprise!" because not many people expect to have a psychopathic hacker clown hiding in their birthday cake.

The clown proceeds to act out each of the entries in their victim's No column of their F-List (in alphabetical order, of course). The writer doesn't like BDSM? Well, prepare to get tied up and beaten until they do. She doesn’t like watersports? Well, she’s about to get really pissed off. Incest isn't her thing? Well it's time for a surprise visit from sleazy Uncle Nigel. Not into fantasy? Well, looks like Uncle Nigel will be dressed up like one of those gay elves from the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies. But what about those edgy girls who demand non-consensual dark stories? Psychopathic Hacker Clown can always present them with a bunch of red roses before serenading them with a romantic and moving ballad strummed on his ukulele.

My preference here would be for you to play yourself as the victim, and me to play myself as the psychopathic hacker clown. Be sure to include your home address in the subject line so that I know you've read through all of this

Why Do Girls Like Atari Computer Camps?

The year is 1983 and Cyndi Lauper has boldly proclaimed to the world that girls just want to have fun. This is no surprise, with entertainment options like Atari Computer Camp being shamelessly targeted toward females entering into puberty. The possibilities for your adventures are as wide as allowed by the 48KB of RAM contained within the communal Atari 800XLs available for use!

Will you be a sweet and innocent girl in pigtails and oversized glasses who have never had her rear cartridge port connected to an external data source? Or maybe you’ll be a sultry little nymph that is out to seduce one of the socially awkward bearded male camp counselors (“Mr computer man, can you please give me the ASCII code for upper case E?”). Or perhaps you will be an annoying brat who spends the entire 2-8 week period complaining that the Atari ports of Space Invaders and Defender were never as good as their arcade equivalents, and that Ms Pac-Man was a failure to modern feminism - only to suffer an untimely bad ending when the nerd boys strip her naked, suspend her perilously from the ceiling with power cables, and attach electrodes to her nipples which deliver electric shocks controlled via a FOR loop of their choosing.

Note that Atari Computer Camps are unsuitable for non-binary characters.


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[quote='Textual Intercourse]Victorian-era romance (just kidding – any heterosexual male that lists this is just messing with you, ladies)[/quote]

Don’t make me cry!

Ok, fine. <Sniffle> I'm ok. Honest. I'm good...
 
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