Kiko's journal, enter at your own risk

I've been trying to vent for a while, mostly because things at work are dredging up bad memories. Anyone who likes good angst... This is for you?



I'll start when my problems began, thirteen years old. As far as I can recall things went smoothly up until then, I have an older and younger brother, and we got alone fairly well. We moved to a new house, older with bad doors, especially mine, which didn't stay closed.

It was summer, and as was almost routine for me I spent the entire day swimming, to collapse on my bed still in my swimsuit and pass out for the night. I woke up hours later to a strange feeling on my chest, and opened my eyes to my older brother standing by my bed, his hand wiggling down my top. I tried to scream, I honestly did, but all I could do was manage a lot and airy yelp. He ran back to his room and I was left shaking on my bed.

This was not the last encounter, almost every night that week he was in my room. I had no dresser to block my door, no lock to keep it closed, nothing to protect myself. By the end of the week I had enough, and tried to talk to my mom. Not talking about sexuality was almost an unspoken rule in the house. No one did it.

Awkwardly, I tried to tell her what was happening, and she brushed it off as he was 'waking me up'. Really? At one in the morning with his hand down my shirt?

This went on for two years. My parents maintained that if anything happened I should scream for them, but I couldn't. My brother broke the bathroom door, so I couldn't even shower in peace, tore the blinds from the window so he could peak through. My parents didn't fix either. So, at fifteen, I had enough. I stopped staying silent, I told friends online, people at school, and soon the police were involved.

I spoke to them once before they decided I was lying. My parents, law enforcement agents themselves, convinced them that I was lying, and my brother was incapable of such actions. He, of course, played the part of the innocent man. He pretended he did not understand about sex, despite being seventeen, and his computer being full of porn.

We were both taken to psychiatrists, he was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, and I the same... As well as a number of other mental disorders ranging from clinical depression to skitzotypical ((Sp?)) personality disorder. With that diagnosis, my entire case was shot.

When the case was over, my real hell began. My mom was pissed that I would tell my 'lies'. She believed whole heartedly that I was insane, but that did not stop the punishments. I was hit, with anything she could get her hands on. Metal spatulas on my arms, legs, computer wires used to lash, and had my leg skinned on the fireplace when I refused to take back my words. And, when I had to go to bed, my brother had no pity on me.

I tried to ensure we were never home alone, but sometimes my plans did not matter. He told me then, in his twisted way, that it was all my fault. That he molested me because I am mean to him, and if I were nicer then he could stop.

I tried to be nicer, but he was outright lying. I found out that I was not the only girl he was touching. Several young women at his school were saying the same thing, none of us knew each other, but our stories were identical. Still, our cases were treated as separate instances, and the police dropped them without ever looking at them together.

To cut this long story almost short, nothing happened in my favor. I was almost raped several times, but always something saved me. Whether that was me grabbing something to hit him with... Or a noise to startle him away. I recorded him talking about molesting me, the police did nothing. I tried to rally the girls together he molested, and one lied and had my case dissolved. I endured this for years, my only hope a man I met online who promised to take me away. At 18 I left home with a bag of clothes, and moved in with this man. My parents hated the idea, tried to get him arrested, but we got married anyway.


Which brings me to story of angst number 2. In my next post... -_-;;;

My internet is acting up, we're replacing the modem tommorow, but until then I might be in and out for the next day or so. Sorry ^^;;


Edit: Well, we kept it runninf fairly well, we'll see what the cable people say tommorow. ^^

Alright, so I took a few pics of a couple things I made at work today. ^_^ zI guess the lense was smudged, because they are blurry.... But you can see them! XD














Now, I can't make the rapecake until I have the money to buy it XD So I had to make something that I could put in the case.... Here is your subtle cake BM!

O GOD O GOD O GOD!
-squees like a little schoolgirl-

I LOVE EM


ok, bit of background info for you.

My birthday is on halloween, so it's probably the most important holiday for me.
I'll be 21 this year.

And I love bakeries, pastery, and delicious things such as the ones in those lovely pictures.

Thank you Raziel!! ^_^

Okay, new entry, kinda sad-funny! My mom is a bit obsessed with my mother. After the birth of Rose I gained some weight, and apparently that "Concerns" her.

About halfway through my pregnancy, my health got really bad. I couldn't walk for hardly any amount of time, and annoying concerns that I always had suddenly got worst. Dizzy spells and fainting, things like that. I give birth, same thing, only with the added pleasure of agonizing pain. It got to the point where I could literally not be able to go to the store because I would almost pass out walking.

Can't see a doctor, so I take on researching. I sort disorders by family history, and one of the possible suspects for my illness I push aside because there is no history of it in my family, Celiac's Disease.

A few months pass, and my mom mentions that her mother had Celiacs, and my cousin was recently diagnosed. ((Er... Mom... Why didn't you mention that the fuck before??)) So I researched, and ad to decide if I should cut gluten or not.

Now, Celiac's Disease is more or less an intollerant to a protien in certain grains, like wheat. Basically, anytime someone with CD eats something with gluten, their body doesn't recognise it as a food, and it can severely damage the digestive track by flattening the villi along the intestine walls. Without functioning vili the body can't absorb nutrients right, and you end up with my two biggest ((Confirmed)) Health problems, unexplained anemia, and hypomalemia. ((Low iron and potassium)) In my case, my potassium was so low at one point, it could have been fatal.

But, to go on a GF diet without a diagnosis of Celiac's Disease can be very unwise. Typically the test for CD is blood work looking for a protien that the body creates to combat gluten. No protien, no diagnosis, and if you're on a gluten-free diet, there is no protien. Also, once on the diet, it is very unwise to go off because without the protien the damage to the small intestine could be a lot worst.

I picked to go on the diet, and within a month I felt amazing! No more sleeping twelve hours a day, I could stand up without passing out, and I could finally go out and do normal things like shop. ^_^

I get excited, and the next time my mother calls, I tell her I feel so much healthier, her responce? "Yes honey.... But how much weight have you lost?"

...

"Oh, I've gained fourty pounds, but I feel fantastic!" ((bold-faced lie, but it was funny to hear her try to be happy for me. XD))




Now a few months later I get a random PM on facebook for her. "Oh hey Shelly!! I was looking into gyms down there, and found this cute little one aroundyour area,you could sign up with Rose and I'll pay...."


NOT SO SUBTLE MOM!


Jeez, if I didn't feel so much better since going GF I'd honestly think she made the diagnosis up so I would go on the adkins diet. ((Her suggestion.))

If your mom's willing to pay for a gym? Hell, let her. If you've got the time, you can take Rose out, let her play in the child care area (many gyms have, like, a playroom) while you exercise. She'll have fun, you'll get out of the house and work off some stress, and that's not even counting the benefits of exercise.

I'm not even thinking weight loss, I'm thinking opportunity to start doing something fun on someone else's dime. Yeah, your mom was subtle as a brick, and her motivations are not necessarily kind, but you shouldn't let that stop you from considering what you, yourself, can get out of the offer, entirely unrelated to your mother. I just know in your situation, I'd be considering it.

But good self-diagnosis process. I'm glad the response was quick; I mean, a person can fast for a short while, a person could go GF for a short while, and I'm glad that's all it took to confirm the diagnosis. Now I just wish your town had more options for a GF diet...

Gah, I think too much! It happens to me, an innocent conversation makes me start thinking and I get depressed. I don't know why, but it does. Somehow chat turned into a discussion about creepy people, and well, I seem to be a creep magnet. Of course I journaled about my brother, so everyone is well aware he is beyond an asshole who has messed with my head... But I have this amazing ability to attract creeps.

Creep one was a childhood bully. Only one bit of sexual contact, but I was still little 7-9 and he bit my breast, hard enough to bruise it. O.< Later I found out he seemed to like biting young girls on the breast. :S

Second creep was a neighbor, he was sixteen or seventeen and tried to trick me, same basic time frame, 7-9. Got his younger brother, who I had a crush on at the time, to convince me tat they made a game that they played. He said his brother drew the card "Kiss Rochelle" And so he had to follow through. -_- I didn't believe it, but somehow ended up in the space between our houses kissing his guy who was trying to convince me that a kiss didn't count unless there was tongue. When all that was done he tried to trick me into having sex DX First just asking, then saying that he was the king of magic place and if I did this I would be queen ((Yeah, I was seven, not retarded.)), then he got his friend to try to convince me, and for some reason I challenged them to a fight. I remember ((Vaguely)) Being lifted in that same space between the housed, screaming and kicking as the friend tried to shove something into my mouth, until someone heard me and asked what was going on, and they just dropped me. If I recall right he ran away from home a few weeks later.

Then there is my brother who I wont even touch on...

And now creepy guy at work who wants to see me naked and brags in the same breath about his guns.





What. The. Hell. Someone please explain why I am always harrassed!

I love my husband, I really do. He -can- be one of the nicest people I have known. He pays attention to me, listens to what I like, what I dislike, and I am amazed that he can remember a short conversation we had months ago, just to surprise me.

He can also be one of the most inconsiderate asses known to mankind. He has it in his head that he can't cook, and he has no interest in learning to. None at all. So every meal we eat, I cook, if I'm not home he sticks a pizza in the oven. If I am home and he wants a pizza, I'm supposed to stick it into the oven. I'm also expected to take care of the baby when home, so he can go to our room to relax while I deal with her. Every few hours he'll come out to yell at me and her when she starts to make a mess.

Last week, this line of thinking got me so mad at him last week when I was sick. I was in horrible pain and asked him to take care of Rose while I slept. He acted like he was doing me a favor, and woke me up every few hours to do this or that, and fix him something to eat. Later that night I am in a tub of icy cold water trying to ease my stomach/back pain, and he comes in. He tells me he has been feeling depressed lately, and I should be more sympathetic to him. I told him I was in horrible pain, and couldn't deal with it, and he goes on about me "One upping" him. IT'S NOT A CONTEST.

More assholery the next few days, until we reach today. I went in, worked a very hard day since we were shorthanded in the bakery, and when I am getting off, he asks me to pick up drink mix, diapers, and collar and leash for the dog. I tell him to wait about ten minutes, because I'll be a bit. I go through the store, grab drink mix, diapers, and a few things we needed, shampoo, conditioner, bath milk for my skin, some make up, and a long sleeve shirt for me since it is getting cold. We get home, and he is mad at me because I ate his cheese >.> ((I was hungry!)). We get back, he asks me to get the collar and leash and tie muggs outside since he keeps escaping, and I wince and say I forgot it. He freaks out, grabs up the bags. "What the hell took you so long then? Shampoo?? Clothes??" And throws the bags back down.

He reminded me of a child throwing a tantrum, so I spanked him, he spanked me, I spanked him, and we both walked off in a huff. He came back carrying on about how if I hated him so much I should just leave. Again. And I told him if he keeps bringing up that he must want to leave, and he snaps back that he doesn't need my permission to go. :S



What the hell. I love you honey, I really do, but this is crap. Stop blaming me for your bad attitude. Please!

...Yeah, that's a few red flags right there, Kiko.

I mean, I'm not trying to pretend that he's solely to blame. I can't keep house, I'm the kind of person who could walk right over a mess, move to avoid it, but never really notice it's there. My house is a royal mess, and tomorrow I am cleaning. But, he could get off his tail too, instead of acting like it's a huge favor to just do a load of laundry or, heaven forbid, wash dishes. Especially if he has the day off.

And I admit I let my temper get the best of me too, and I don't act right in fights. But I have never told David to leave me, I've never suggested he should, and I don't want him to go. I just want him to be himself again, instead of forcing all our troubles onto me...

I think he IS acting like 'himself'. Himself when he's lived with you for a while and you have a kid together. It honestly sounds like he's not mature enough to handle that caliber of relationship.

Even just two years ago he seemed like a completely different person. When Rose was born and I was in the hospital he rarely left my side, he'd go home to shower and change, and would sleep on a fold out bed in the room to stay close. He took care of Rose mostly back then, held down the job, ect. while I recovered. It's just been really here recently that his attitude has been awful, and he's started treating me poorly. I don't know if it is work. ((I saw how they treat him there, it would piss me off too)) His parents continuing to twist his arm and demand the unreasonable, or maybe he has just hit his depression...

I don't know, but it is getting stressful to be around him. :S He always seems to be in a bad mood, it puts me on edge.

Confront him about it. Like, corner him, and say 'If we're gonna have a relationship for much longer, we really need to have an understanding.' Tell him what's bothering you, calmly, and non-confrontationally.

I have tried that, more or less, and he either cries and promises he will change, or pins the blame on me until I feel awful about myself. I don't know how to approach him and tell him we both have flaws, we both need to change, without one of us getting our feelings hurt, and making it worst.

I can handle doing the cooking, if he helps more with the cleaning, and I'll try to be perkier if he would stop picking fights.

...Erm, well, good luck with that. It's a bit late now, but you REALLY should have waited to get married.

I didn't really have a choice Try. ^^;;

My parents screwed me over by "Losing" my birth certificate so I wouldn't be able to transfer schools. They never let me get any form of public identification, so with no way to prove my identity when I moved I had to leave school, I couldn't get on any form of birth control, and condoms apparently are not the most effective prevention. When I got pregnant my parents form of insurance that I was still on would not cover out of state expenses, so they tried to force me to move back. It was a mad scramble to try to get my birth certificate and social security card back, because my health was getting very bad. it was at the point that at three months along I was throwing up ten times a day, couldn't hold down water, and would faint when I tried to walk any distance.

We couldn't afford actual health coverage, and because we were living with his parents while looking for a home, in order for me to qualify for Medicaid I would have to be married to David. I had to see a doctor, or we were afraid we'd lose the baby. So we got married, a lot sooner than I had hoped.

Abortion, yo. I know you love your kid, but you were not ready for this.

I'm not pro-choice, Try. And I know myself well enough to know I am not emotionally stable enough to have ever had an abortion, I get guilt ridden, it would destroy me.

I know a lot of people disagree, and I really don't want to get into a whole pro life vs pro choice debate, so lets just leave it at, for me, it wasn't an option. I know myself too well to think that it was.

*shrugs* There's a lot of difference between can't and won't, and it's worth remembering the distinction.

Yes, I suppose. Everyone has different morals and views, mine didn't make abortion an option for me, not with how I view life. No more than killing David now is an option for me. Agree or disagree.

You're right, I wish David and I could have taken things slow, and spent years getting to know each other before getting married. I wish I could have known other guys so I could understand how to be in a relationship, and I wish he had known women so he understands now too.

-Shrugs-

I am thinking of suggesting we try an open relationship for a bit, so we can try to learn more about others, and see if that helps our interactions. But to be honest, it's a scary prospect. ^^;; I've tried just MasterXSlave relationships online, and find that guys who tend to be interested in anything with me are asses. XD That or I can't tell who the nice people are, I do try to find sweet guys.

For the record!!

This is not a fair and unbias look at my marriage, it's a place for me to vent and blow smoke to my friends. My husband and I have different ways of handling stress, mine is to rave, but this journal isn't exactly full of my flaws, only his, and it isn't a fair way to judge him as a person.

My husband can be the sweetest guy I've ever met, he loves to snuggle with me, and is always the first to step up and make me feel better when I start to get depressed. He enjoys doing sweet things for me, and sometimes it amazes me how I can mention something in passing, and he'll remember it for months just to surprise me later. ^_^ Sure we have disagreements, but he's for the most part willing to go out of his way to accommodate me, and is very understanding to my needs.


And my flaws? I have a ton! I'm needy and clingy on him, and I know it. I dislike doing chores... Actually strike that... I hate chores, I hate cleaning in general. Yeah I still think it's unfair that when I had a job I worked as many hours as my husband, took care of Rose a little more, did all the cooking, but he wanted me to do as much cleaning... But I did very little. I'd rather donate an organ than do the dishes. And it frustrates him how I avoid it, and I know it does!

Okay... *HOW* do I respond to this... Seriously?


Note: This all happened on Gaia.






This is what I said in the thread that everyone was spamming. Cal is -not- my character, I am posting him as a favor.






((I am posting Cal today or tomorrow, relax >< I just lost my job after struggling for a while to keep it, so I have not been up to posting. But there will be one soon. The time skip will come after this post, but the RP cannot stay on day one forever.

Also... We have an OOC for a reason!!!))





This is the PM I recieved.





I know we have an OOC forum but there isn't too much activity there either. I'm sorry to here about your job. I understand how that is and I just lost my job too. I don't know your home situation either but so you can believe me when I say I understand how hard life is right now I'll show you what's going on in mine.

I trust you enough so here we go.

Since my freshman year (3 years now) I have lost 16 best friends to suicide, 4 to cancer, my grand parents to a car accident, and the one I thought who's be my soulmate forever to a gun accident.

I broke up with my boyfriend two days ago, have been sexually harrassed and assualted by my neighbor. Who in doing so got me pregnant and 4 months into my pregnancy I had a miscarriage. That is why my boyfriend and I broke up.

As well as 60 million other issues that life goes through. That is why I roleplay. To get away from all my problems. So I'm sorry if I seem a little antsy. But most of my rp's have gone down the toilet these past few weeks, my life seems to be able to go past rock bottom, and I'm really in need of an escape.

So I'm sorry but I most definately understand what you could possibly be going through. Thank you for saying you'll post soon and I appreciate it. There is some what of an antsy wait but I hopelife gets better.









Okay... Now, one side of me wants to call BULL. 16 friends died of suicide in three years? 4 friends a year? A friend every three months? Something is wrong there. And four frinds died of cancer? Does she go to school in a nuclear facility?

Secondly... I AM NOT A THERAPIST. RPing helps me cope with stress too, but there is a point when people have to say "This isn't working" and see a doctor.



But... With my past... I don't want to not believe her.


So... What the hell do I do... And why is this angst dropped in my lap from someone I don't even know just because I said I've been to stressed to post for someone else??

Complete lies, all of them. Occam's Razor ftw.