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Entering the Dark Manor (Raziel's Journal)

Raziel99

Pulsar
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Well, I highly doubt that anyone is actually going to come and read this, but I need a corner to throw down all the thoughts in my head, so... might as well.

Most of you that know me probably know some of the stuff I'm going to go off about, though you probably found ot of it through deciphering all my cryptic meanings and words. For that, I'll have to apologize.

Fair warning, everything that is going to be read in here will be put rather bluntly, just because it makes it much easier to say what needs to be said without fluffing it up.

------

It's probably best to start with the beginning. I was born in Michigan, and moved around the country in the span of 10 years. I've lived in Georgia and California as well, and been through all the states between them. Probably one of the first things I remember that is important was when I was 2: We had a power outlet that didn't work at all. I had picked up a staple and - thinking tat noting wold happen since it didn't work - put the staple into the power outlet. I don't remember anything else from in Georgia. But then again, I was really young.

I have fond memories of being in California. We went to Hollywood a few times, going around and just exploring. I can't remember too many specifics besides walking the street of stars... or whatever it was called. I had a lot of friends there, starting school, but we moved after 2 years, moving back to Michigan.

The move to Michigan was a long 4 day trip, but living here had been hell for the first 6 or so years. School was miserable for me, because i was almost always the new kid. I started 3rd grade after the move, then after we found our own place and moved out of the grandparents, I switched schools again at 5th grade. For whatever reason, most of the kids loathed me, and I was always the butt of jokes and stuff. It was confusing, since I just came from a school that i had a lot of friends. Te teachers never did anything about it -indeed, the egged it on. I would get in trouble wit the school by the kids setting me up with stuff that I never did. It was always a numbers thing, 25 against 1, so I always got hit wit the blame.

Needless to say, it hurt, and it was intimidating and confusing. Even with parents going in and staying on my side, the teachers and even the principal didn't do anything. I eventually had to put a wall around myself, cutting myself out of all emotions, and put a mask on to protect myself and act "normal." By the time I had, I switched schools again for 5th grade. At that school, it wasn't as bad as the other, but that was probably because of my 'mask.'

About the time that I moved back to Michigan, I hung out with my cousin a lot. It was him that pretty much taught me about porn and masturbation. I had looked up to him, because he was the so-called 'cool kid,' getting what he wanted, he was fun, and interesting, and strong, and cool. But... he had me do a lot of stuff that shouldn't have been done. He would treat me like shit in general, forcing me to do some rater nasty things, like giving him blowjobs. At first, I was somewhat willing, trying to get on is good side, thinking that he would help me get a cool as he was. Though, he forced me to do it when I said no. Thinking back, he would have forced me to do it even if i said no to start with.

In the middle of all that, he took me over to some of his friends to hang out, then about a half hour later, left to go get some things he forgot. They grabbed me and held me down while 'experimenting,' finding different small objects to see my reactions as the got shoved up my ass. One of the got a bloody nose as I was struggling before they subdued me. I was in the bathroom wen my cousin got back. I never said a thing, though I never went anywhere with him after that, and I never saw those friends of his afterward.

For 7th grade and onward, my parents pulled me out of the school system and put me in... i guess you could call it a 'public academy.' Things were better, I was able to make friends. It was pretty much the same place for high school, just another section of the building. I joined a theater group in Sophomore year, started dating one of the girls in it. It was the start of the wall being broken down inside me, putting away the masks that I was so fluent in use at that time.

-----

I'll continue this later, when I can think of something to say.
 
Well, I have no idea how to continue the last post, so I think I'll go slightly off topic from it. Slightly.

I still have my masks. The wall that was around me I tore down long ago, but I have so many masks that I can play the part of anything. It makes me a good actor, though I'll honestly prefer to not use them at all. But, underneath that veil it gives me, I'm rather weak and small, even if I can act big with them. It's something that I would rather not leave open for long periods of time.

Yes, while other people have other personas, or other people themselves. Well, I have masks. I can remember everything no matter which one I have on, and if necessary, I can change them at will. Adaptable, but they are a front that I would like to throw away.

Sadly, that wont be possible, not in the near future, at least.

To end, let me give my song of the week.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7b_DaILYiQ[/youtube]
 
Update: December 1st.

I'm feeling decently good about today, since I was able to get my head out of my ass to post to all the ones I owed a post to. That, and I'm getting use to the single thing right now.

Sadly, I don't know how long my laptop will hold up. Some of it is being held together by duct tape, and a few of the keys are arguing about responding to me. But, I should have a new one soon.

I can't really rant about anything, even if i wanted to. Things just have been mellow for a week.
 
December 4th - though current thought is a past idea

After the last month, I had been thinking of what my purpose in life was. I had been thinking about what has happened over the last 5 or 6 years of my life, and I could only come up with one solution to it: That I am not suppose to love. So far, the times that I have been taken had been the same: Decently good times, turning into arguments, then leaving for another guy. It had been interesting to look back and see how it all had unfolded, too: Shy girls that were unsure of themselves, shown that they were beautiful. Becoming more outgoing, happier, then finding someone they really love.

It might be being emo, or even bigoted, but I think that was what I am made for, being a midpoint for women, building them up, building their self-esteem so other guys notice them.

Emo because every time I'm happy, karma or whatever comes and backhands me, Bigoted because now I can fancy myself as the left hand (fine-tuner, whatever) of god (or whatever entity is out there, if there even is one).
 
Fate, grand design, whatever you wish to call it. Now, if it was that they left me, then found someone else to be with, i wouldn't have thought what I had. But, They found someone else while i was dating them, and they couldn't choose who until the end of it.

But, I DID say that it was a emo/bigoted thought of mine.
 
Dec 5th

DEATH TO THE SQUISHYS!

Those that get the reference, get 5 points. I may or may not do something with them.

Anyway, Today i had a lot of cleaning. Last night I was able to finally beat my game. Whee. Nothing better than firing a huge gun automatic while it plays music for the fireworks you make.

And with that, I am in a good mood. Yay.
 
Dec 12th

Well, I can't complain about the day, really. I just need to let everything out.

Do I put out that much of a sexual shell? Yes, I will admit, I am HIGHLY sexual with references and the like, and I cant say that my excuse for it is that good (especially if one does not believe in incubi, since that's the next piece of that puzzle). It's just... it's been a long time, and my ego has been inflated by the amount of times that I have been called a "sex god," whether by prodding or completely free willed.

But to say that I would have a harem if I could? Well, while it may or may not be true, that's rather hurtful to hear that all i want in a day is sex (once again, I could if i really wanted to, but it's not exactly the ONLY thing I want). Never mind the ethical things about that, but I don't think I could take care of every single woman that I would have in that situation. But I never entertained that idea more than a few moments at best.

And so many women at arms length! I can give about 4 girls that I would like to meet up with, just to hang out with, that are within a state or two distance, but I have no way to get to them! It's frustrating!
 
Dec 16th

There's a few things on my mind that I just want to throw out there.

First, I was called a attention whore (though in jest) yesterday. I took it in stride, because yes, I suppose you can call me a attention whore. But, I just hate being ignored. I hate it when it's like i'm talking to a brick wall, saying rather good stuff, and getting ignored, or, worse, pushed to the side. I like decently fast responses, but getting a message every week or two is better than not at all.

Coupled with that is the amount of attention that I've got in my life. I didn't get much growing up until high school. Then it's been waves, and I hate the low crests of those waves. Best I can put it.

Second, there's Trygon. Oh, the great leader, the co-founder of our humble abode here. Yeah, I'm not here to suck up, but I'm not here to flame, either. I respect the guy. Hell, I look up to him at times. He's been a huge mass of entertainment here, from flaming others in PVP to the 'execution' of Thor back in the beginning of the site. Excuse me for saying that he can be a dick at times, but he's a good guy in general.

I'm writing this because I know he finds me a slight annoyance. I say annoyance instead of hate because I noticed that he very rarely hates people. His spectrum, for the most part, seems to be interesting <-> boring <-> lolfag. I know that's off by a good deal, but that's the best way I can put it there. (and no, that's not the spectrum of YOU, Trygon, that's the spectrum of how you see others. Gotta escape the flames with a disclaimer >.>)

Anyway, he doesn't like me. And I can understand, I've been a ass myself, doing stupid stuff. Some things he shouldn't have heard, but it's fine. Maybe some day I'll redeem myself in his eyes.
 
Good Christmas, I'll tell you guys about it later.

New song:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS7ikSMKghw[/youtube]
 
Anyway, It's been a while, and I should put some stuff up.

Monday starts the new semester. May mean that I can post more, may mean I post less. Hopefully the former, so I can keep the e-crown.

I slept terribly last night (I woke up at 5), and I watched music videos for a while. And I realized something rather egotistical of me, more so than normal: I want a woman to dance and sing "I'm a slave 4 you" to me. God, that would be amazing. And a ego-stroke that would probably kill me.

Oh, and the incubi are telling me to say that they are getting restless, and they need more energy to feed off of.
 
Jan 10

Technically, tomorrow starts school. Yay.

For the last... 24 hours? 28 hours?... I've had zero self time and play time. And, by god, I want to rip these incubi out by their necks and toss them through the nearest portal to the hell they came from. I mean, god, I do nothing for one day and it feels like I can pierce steel with it. What the hell!? It's only been 2 and a half years? God, I'll have to start hurting some people if it gets much worse. And not in the nice sexual way. I mean the angry fist-through-skull way. Though that's a lot of anger management needed because of other things, too.

I think I'll give a very small tidbit from my past now, too. When I was younger, about 2 years old, I got electrocuted. My own fault. There was a bad outlet that never worked, nothing could be plugged in because it didn't get the energy needed. So, me being soooo smart, took a staple and stuck it in there when my parents weren't looking. That's my oldest memory.

Back to the present, me and Irena had a falling out a few days ago. Me and her broke up back in November, and we had a few more arguments before she said that she wasn't going to talk to me anymore. It's her decision, and I'm not going to mess with it. Probably deserve it. Anyway, it would probably be easier on me not to dawdle on it.

Another thing I just want to throw out of my head into coherent words is that I know some people think I am creepy. Hell, I think I am creepy at times. From being rather persuant of friendship to overly nice remarks about a person's beauty, and maybe some other stuff, as well. I can be rather forward, mostly because I don't believe in being blunt with stuff. Fluff is just fluff, there's no need of it. Anyway, I don't mean to be creepy, and I always try to make up for it somehow. Sadly, can't be done always, and I hate failure like that.

I think I'll end it there for today.
 
Jan 12

I've been reading the journals of friends and acquaintances on here, and I'm starting to think that I shouldn't. I'll keep on doing it, of course, but I really shouldn't. I'm a rather... soft and emotional person at heart, and stuff can hit me hard when I read it. My mind turns into whatever I'm reading, and I feel the emotions deep inside. More than a few times while reading different journals my stomach as spun and twisted, my heart being pulled painfully. Pain and sorrow that I actually know intimately in other circumstances, the want and need to comfort, but unable to do it in person, were it matters so much more.

I can be a asshole quite a bit of the time, but it tends to hide the softer side of me. Being a asshole, and the incubi (I don't care if there really are incubi in me anymore, I'm referring to that as them). It's the main front, one of a few masks that never come off of me, but when I can bare to show my face, my true face... I have a soft underbelly, and when I'm helpless to care for those that are hurt emotionally or physically, whether it's friends or otherwise... I feel like the failure I am. What good am I if I can't help those in need? Leaving those that need comfort out there to rot and sulk on their own failures or insecurity? No good, that's what.

I've never been good for anyone, I'm so high maintenance in the respect that I need - nay, crave - attention. Yet it would be so easy to do, since I can be content for the rest of my life just by sitting or laying next to someone, holding and cuddling against them for all time. No need for words when we have a soft touch that can mean all the more. But no, any interest I have lives too far away from me to be able to do that. Or when I do show the soft side (though I can't say that this happens too often, and I usually hear this from my guy friends) I'm told that I need to man up and be strong.

I may not want a relationship right now, but I still need that attention, even for a little while. To know that others care. But I can't get to them, they can't get to me, and I'm left all alone to wallow in the shadows that I have lived in for so long, to be swallowed up once again in them.
 
Go to a club, christ. There's plenty of women around you, go be social. The only reason the only women who like you are online is because you don't meet women offline.
 
Trygon said:
Go to a club, christ. There's plenty of women around you, go be social. The only reason the only women who like you are online is because you don't meet women offline.
I know, I know. As it is, I can't at the moment, though, because I have no mode for transportation, and little money. Not to mention my own thoughts on how I look. My own fault on all accounts, but I seem to have gotten more self-destructive in my mind.
 
Wow, it's been a while since I've posted in here. For updates, School is going well. Math is sliding through, English is more entertaining than I thought it would be, and I'm just ticking down the moments for when it's all over.

Other than that, I'm rather bored. My RP's have been drying up, coming back, drying up, in a vicious cycle. So I'm looking for people to start new ones with.
 
February 15th

Well, I've spent a decent amount of money on stuff i've needed, so i'm feeling... ok. I hate having to spend that much at one time, but whatever.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE_0m5OkyN4[/youtube]

I've been feeling rather... down lately. Down and lonely. But that may just be because I've been somewhat forcing myself to stay in the state that I am in right now. I... I'm afraid of trying to get back in a relationship again. I'm liking that I'm living a mostly drama free life right now, but the fact that I don't have anyone to lean on has made it blatantly clear how easily it is for me to fall from my pedestal. Not that mine is that tall to fall from.
 
March 25'th

It's been a while since I've posted in here, and the very first thing I want to do is apologize to my roleplaying partners. the last month has been helletic, and I have had to pick and choose to what I post to. Right now I should be finishing a essay due tomorrow, but I'm good with the ones that have been assigned so far, so I don't have to worry too much. But, I will try to catch up with all my roleplays soon. Wish me luck on this front.

Secondly, I have to say that some people here have gotten me angry, first hitting some friends with fierce words, then twisting words that I have said to use against me. Rather not go into detail, those that have done so I doubt will even come into here, i just need to shoot that out there to get it off my chest.

No song for this post. I can't be bothered to search for a appropriate one at the moment.
 
April 12th

After having trouble with illness and school getting in the way, I have decided to drop most of the rp's that I have not responded to in at least two weeks. I am sorry for this, I loved them all, but I have troubles getting back to roleplays unless they were very dear and fun to me.

That being said, I am looking for new ones, go to my request thread if you need to look, or pm me.

Now, as for my life, there is 4 weeks left this semester for school. This is perfect, because then I can put my resources to getting my life in order, and of course, to this wonderful site.

I found a girl, a rather stunning, beautiful woman that I know has feelings for me, as well. You know who you are, Sivamet.
 
May 4'th.

I am glad that tomorrow is going to be the last day, then I have all of summer to do what I wish. Mostly try to get my license and to get some money saved up before the rush of school once more. Things have been a uphill battle for school, though I'm glad I hit the plateau and have time to rest for a while. I'll try to make the best of the time.

As for my personal life... I found someone, a very beautiful and intelligent woman, but once again it's a distance relationship for the moment. But this time, it's... different. I feel that I can wait for her so I can see and hold her, that I would rip my heart out before I tried something that could break this apart. This is good, because usually my hormones control and break things apart for me. It may just be that I have better control over that aspect, though.

Either way, I'm hoping - nay, praying - to see her soon.
 
May 10th

Ex's birthday. No, I haven't said anything to her yet for it, though I'm sure she'll be online and I will say something to her soon.

I've been sitting here in my little bubble, doing some work of my own to keep myself occupied since school is over. Job searching, no luck yet. Besides what I do on here, I've been sizing up some of my decks for Magic, need to get a few things for them, otherwise, I'm ready for a tournament come thursday.

As for my personal interest... I'm getting a little worried. I haven't heard any word today, though I've seen her online. I think I've done something wrong, though I'll see when she decides to respond once more. I'm trying to remain optimistic, but after the last few relationships, still trying to pick up courage and some other pieces that seemed to shatter to little pieces while I was pre-occupied.
 
June 16.

Wow, It's been a while since I have posted in here. Well, first off:

since about friday of last week, I haven't really posted to my roleplays. I want to apologize for taking so long, my writing muse had ran away. Little bugger isn't that easy to find, took a month at the end of last year to get it back. I will try to post today to everyone, but I doubt I can get everyone in, even if I can post.

Me and mom tried to put up wallpaper today. Let's just say that it failed... badly. She found out why they were only $5 a roll. So she's to the store to get paste for it. It was a good effort on our part, but when putting up a piece makes another fall, it gets pulled down for other stuff.

Anyway, just a short update for now. I'll try to get posts in today and tonight. If not, I'll get on them asap.
 
awww... no worries. <333
you take your time and find that muse! *hugs*


sounds annoying... that wallpaper thing. it would've frustrated the hell out of me. XD
 
July 21'st.

I thought long and hard about whether I should make this post or not. I'll try to make this quick.


It's been nearly a month since my last post here, and last I put something in here I said that I was having trouble with my muse. It was true, but I was thinking over another thing. And after a lot of deliberation, I have decided to leave BlueMoon. I don't know how long I will be gone, but it will probably be for a long while at the least. I've made some rather great strides in my life in the last month, steps that I am proud of, and I think it's time.

Just for laughs, I decided to go through old threads to see how long it would take me to see me make an ass of myself in hindsight. It didn't take long, to be honest. I had a good chuckle at what some people said, but I cannot say that I am happy or proud with some of the things I have done or said on here. I wish to apologize to the people here, everyone I have ever angered or hurt, I am deeply sorry.

As for my roleplays, I am getting back on track mentally, and I am happy to continue them off site if you wish. If you do want to continue them, send me a message on im, and we can talk about it.

I really don't like goodbyes, but I don't see anything else to do at the moment. I might lurk a little for a while. So hopefully, I will see everyone another time.

Raziel.
 
September 30th

To be completely honest, I thought I would never post here again. But there was a spot in me that needed another creative outlet, and I think it could be a good time to return.

So, as anyone that actually read the last passage, I've been gone for about 3 months. I have been working on another site with friends, and a bunch of gaming with friends, and I've had more than enough time to mull things in my head. A lot has happened for me lately, and I'm glad of it. I'm a lot calmer, and happier. Even if I am still a little... off the wall... with my humor. It's part of the growing process.

I've been working hard in school, I know what I want to do now. So while I want to come back with roleplaying, I can't take that many up. I don't want to be swamped up.

But, I'm sure we'll have a good time.

Raziel
 
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