Sexual Star, Amateur at Love (Javorcek X ClearSight)

Alex was nothing but numb as she sped downtown towards the sanctuary of her studio. She couldn’t break down, not just yet, she needed to be somewhere safe. Everything was a blur as she parked the car, walked into the building, and down the hall towards her space. By the time she had flipped on the lights to the high ceiling-ed roomed that smelled heavily of mineral spirits and stored a handful of easels with half-finished paintings, she was a mess. Her shoulders began to shake as the remnants of her heart completely shattered.

Elle was a pornstar.

Elle was fucking other girls behind her back.

Elle had been lying to her face for over a year.

All Alex could do was feel stupid and sorry for herself as she threw her shuddering body onto the old leather couch in her studio. The tears began to flow freely now and she curled into a ball, trying desperately to pull herself together but being absolutely helpless to do so. She’d fallen in love with someone so perfect…at least, who she thought had been perfect. But of course Alex apparently really knew how to pick ‘em. The love of her life was not who she said she was. Maybe it would have been easier if Elle had told her from the beginning; maybe not, Alex didn’t know. But it would have been a hell of a lot better than getting blindsided by the news when she had been looking up porn. Not to say Alex really looked at porn all that often, but after having a dry spell with Elle for nearly two weeks, desperate times had called for desperate measures. Imagine her outrage when she had found out that the reason her girlfriend was ‘tired’ was because she was getting fucked for who the hell knew how many hours on a set somewhere.

The image of Elle moaning from the feeling of another woman’s tongue made her stomach lurch. Alex quickly grabbed the trash can next to the arm of the couch, scraping metal across concrete as she dragged it over so that she could wretch and dry heave to her heart’s content. Thank God she hadn’t had anything to eat this morning, otherwise this day would suck even more than it already had.

How could she have done this to me… to us… It wasn’t just a little speed bump or road block in their relationship that they could slowly get over. No, it was more like they’d hit a fucking wall at 90 miles per hour and now everything had ended. Alex had been so in love…so completely and utterly certain that Elle was the one this time. But now she didn’t know if she could go back. How was she ever supposed to trust someone that had been feeding her lies for the entirety of their relationship? Was she supposed to just grin and bear it and let Elle continue to fuck other women as her main source of income? The thought of Elle sleeping with another woman made her stomach heave again, causing Alex to spend the next half hour sputtering into a trash can.

---

VRRRT! VRRRT! VRRRT!

Alex jumped awake as her phone began vibrating against her face. She grunted softly, opening bleary eyes to see who it was. The number wasn’t one she recognized, which was good. She didn’t want to talk to Elle. And it was almost 5am, which meant that it was probably a school calling, trying to find a last minute substitute teacher. Alex had gotten her Bachelor’s in education, but then had gone on further to get her MFA in painting. The young woman focused mostly on her career as an artist, but she would never say ‘no’ to a substitute teaching job for a little bit of extra cash. Even though she felt like shit after having previously spent all of yesterday crying and staring off to space, she knew that she needed a distraction. Maybe pelting kids with dodgeballs as the substitute PE teacher would be a good way to get her mind off of Elle and work off some steam.

“Hello?” Alex croaked out as se answered her phone.

“Hello. Is this an Alex, uh-- Javorcek?” Came the sound of a male’s voice from the other line. Weird, usually it was a female secretary that called her. But Alex supposed that men could be secretaries too if they wanted, who was she to judge or enforce occupational stereotypes anyways.

“Mhmm…” Alex mumbled the affirmative sleepily and shut her eyes as she settled in, expecting to hear which school in the area she’d be subbing at and for which class next.

“This is Officer Murphy…”

Shit…is this going to be about that time I punched that guy at—

“…You’re listed as the emergency contact for a Miss Elle Bohannon. I’m calling to inform you that Miss Bohannon was involved in a car accident at 2:43am this morning.”

Well that certainly woke her up.

It took them three fucking hours to call me and tell me that?!?!?!? Alex shot up off of the couch, her heart racing a mile a minute. All the anger and bitterness she felt towards Elle melted away and was immediately replaced with worry and remorse. She should have never left the apartment mad…she shouldn’t have run out on Elle like a coward. Alex was walking towards the door and had her keys in her hand within moments, asking the police officer all sorts of questions: How bad was the accident? How was Elle? Where was she being taken care of? What was going to happen to the other driver? (Because if the state wasn’t going to punish him severely, Alex sure as hell was going to). And after thanking the officer once he had given her the name of the hospital, Alex hung up the phone and jumped into her car.

---

It takes a little bit of doing and a hell of a lot of frustrated tears in order to get to see someone in a hospital after visiting hours. Alex had to beg the hospital staff to let her in to see Elle. Eventually she pulled the lesbian card, threatening to sue and making all sorts of allegations that the only reason she wasn’t being allowed to see her girlfriend was because the hospital didn’t see them as a ‘real’ couple. She hated playing the discriminated against victim, but hey, if causing a scene in the middle of the triage unit got her to see Elle, she didn’t care. Finally she was led off to the ICU where Elle had already been bandaged and drugged up.

She looks so pale… Was all Alex could think when she first saw her girlfriend laying there on the bed. Well Elle was Irish, she always looked pale, but right now she looked especially drained. There were some cuts and scrapes on her face and a bandage around her head from where she had smashed it against the car. The nurse had said that she had some bleeding inside of her skull, that Elle probably would not regain consciousness until the swelling went down. If there were any other wounds, Alex couldn’t see them. She didn’t want to see them either…maybe that was the reason her eyes stayed firmly glued to Elle’s face.

“Elle?” Alex had already been told that Elle was unconscious, but that didn’t keep her from calling out her lover’s name once the nurse had left. “Elle baby come on…wake up…” You’re scaring me… Alex thought the words but couldn’t say them, they got stuck to the back of her throat as her eyes began to sting with tears. She inched closer, wanting to touch Elle, but terrified to do so. Alex hated hospitals. The sterile smell of recycled air, the smell of sick, dying people, the horribly bright fluorescent lights…she couldn’t stand it. The soft beeping of machines and the hiss of oxygen didn’t help either, it only reinforced the sight of a zillion wires and tubes connected to her girlfriend, proof that she wasn’t okay, not even a little bit.

---

The rest of the first night was hell. Alex had dozed off for mere seconds and woke up moments later to the sounds of machines beeping and footsteps rushing down the hallway. She was up and out of her chair in a flash, immediately retreating because she knew that she would be in the way of the nurses and doctors swarming into the room if she got too close to see what was happening. Elle was on the bed, her eyes slightly open but not seeing. Her entire body was shaking violently as her muscles convulsed.

“Roll her onto her side on three. One. Two-“

Alex felt her heart stop beating. It’s always scary to see someone having a seizure. It’s even worse when you don’t expect it at all. Alex had never known Elle to be an epileptic. The bleeding in her brain must be really bad to fuck with her whole body like this… Come on God… I don’t ask you for much, hell I can’t even remember the last time I talked to you. So please, keep Elle safe. I don’t want to lose her. Maybe it was a waste of time praying to a deity she didn’t quite believe in, but what else could she do? All she could do was stare for what seemed like the longest two minutes of her life as nurses tried to move things out of their twitching patient’s way

“It’s common for someone to have seizures after experiencing severe head trauma, sweetie. Your friend will be fine… Would you like me to bring you some water or something?”

Alex was startled to hear one of the older nurses attempting to comfort her. But she shook her head at the offer of something to drink, and shook her head again as the nurse chastised her for not sleeping. She’d been zoning out again…she was just so tired…and so busy bargaining with God that she hadn’t noticed that it was all over. Elle was fine, well, as fine as an unconscious person could be. Alex was a little more relieved, though still very on edge. Between yesterday and today, she was running on her last nerves.

By the way Elle, if you wake up, we’re going to church every Sunday for a month.

---

Alex hadn’t left the hospital for two days. Even when one of the bitchy head nurses came around and told her she had to leave or she would call the police to escort her out, Alex had simply called the woman’s bluff and stayed put. She wouldn’t leave Elle’s side for anything other than basic bodily functions. After hearing what had happened, some of their friends came by and bought her a change of clothes at least so that she didn’t have to look like a dirty hobo when Elle woke up. They’d also left a bunch of ‘get well’ flowers when they stopped by. Some of them offered to stay with Elle so that Alex could go home and take a real shower and have some real food, but Alex just stubbornly shook her head. She wanted to be here.

Alex wasn’t the type of person that required much sleep to begin with, but now she was just pushing her body too hard. She was sooooo very, very tired. She slept best when she was curled up in bed with Elle, but seeing all the IVs and wires discouraged her from going anywhere near Elle. She hadn’t touched her girlfriend at all in the entire time she had been here. Alex had talked to her, kinda. It was hard to carry on a conversation by herself, so she ended up reading aloud whatever she looked up on her phone. Googling random facts is an excellent way to waste time.

It was only a matter of time before sleep caught up with her. Despite her best efforts to stay awake for an entire 48 hours, Alex clocked out somewhere around hour 42. She was in a rather undignified pose when Elle woke up: slouched sideways in her chair with her head cranked to the side, using her own shoulder for a pillow. She was so tired that breathing out of her nose was apparently a chore, because her mouth had gone slack-jawed and was wide open as she breathed. (Alex would argue that she did not snore because her airway was never obstructed by her tongue. She just liked to breathe heavily in her sleep).

It was always odd to lose time, to find yourself in any situation that made it quite clear you had missed something major and things had changed since the last memory. So when her eyes opened Elle couldn't help but find herself disoriented and taken aback, trying to piece together where she was and what was going on. It wasn't particularly easy, her mind felt extremely foggy and at first it was entirely overwhelming. "Guh..." She moaned, her body feeling sore and the light on in the room blinding her momentarily. It all pieced itself together bit by bit. Eventually it all became clear and Elle couldn't help but feel fear instantly as she wondered what had happened to land her in the hospital. So she began to check herself, moving parts of her body, closing each eye one by one to make sure they both worked, saying a few words silently, and finally checking everyone once more to ensure she hadn't missed something horrible. That's when she felt the bandages around her head. She would have panicked, but in the process of freaking out she had turned her head enough to see Alex sleeping in a chair, looking like hell.

Just seeing Alex caused tears to well up and she found herself crying gently as she looked at the woman who meant the most in her entire life. She had fucked things up so bad, hurt Alex so bad, and yet here she was, looking like hell because she had obviously been living in the room for however long Elle had been unconscious, that fact being made clear by the state of the room. Elle just sat there for a moment, partially because she couldn't help but be touched and cry from seeing Alex but also because her head was throbbing worse than any hangover. Everything felt distorted and a head rush hit her after a moment. She kept herself steady though and after a moment she regained her sense of balance, taking a deep breath and looking over at the sleeping beauty, Elle's eyes were truly biased towards Alex, there was no look she didn't believe Alex could pull off.

Still, she knew Alex well enough to know she would have forced herself to stay awake. The dummy would push herself for no reason so when serious situations presented themselves she was always more than ready to torture herself with a lack of sleep. To that end Elle wanted to let her sleep, to lean over and put a blanket over her, adjust her a bit, and just let her rest. That wasn't what she did though, because more than anything she just wanted to speak to the woman she thought had left her, and who still could be through with her even if she still cared enough to show up. There was also making sure she knew it was alright, because Elle had already figured out it hadn't been a mere hour or two since whatever had happened occurred. "Pst... Alex..." She whispered, her voice weak for some reason. "Alex... Wake up..." She reached behind her and pulled out a pillow, aiming, which she needed with her horrible throwing skills, and tossing it right into the face of her sleeping beauty. "Wake up already." She giggled, her throat hurting and head pounding despite such a simple act. It was frustrating.

”Elle come on! You’re not even trying!” Alex laughed as she pulled a piece of popcorn out of her hair. It was movie night, but her and Elle had long since forgotten the video on the TV. Now they were chucking pieces at popcorn at one another, trying to get it into each other’s mouths. Alex had gotten pretty close a couple of times, but now Elle seemed content to just wing the pieces of popcorn at Alex to try to take one of her eyes out and screw up the brunette’s depth perception so that she couldn’t shoot.

“I am too trying! You just keep moving.” Elle giggled and chucked another piece of popcorn at her. Alex had known it was a mistake to give her the bowl to hold onto! She’d given her lover an unlimited supply of ammunition and was now at the mercy of her girlfriend’s bad aim.

“Gah, Elle! You got butter on my shirt!” Alex pouted, though not really mad, it would just come out in the wash anyways. But still, it was a good reason to switch gears from ranged combat to something more hand to hand. “Grrraawwwrrrr!!! You’re in trouble now!!!!” Alex gave her best play roar before lunging across the couch. She pounced ontop of Elle, a smug grin on her face because she knew she was much stronger than her girlfriend. Really she had meant to try to retrieve the popcorn bowl and then settle down to finish the movie they rented; but after pressing her body up against Elle’s, she immediately began to--

---

“Mrrrmph…” Alex growled, could be a real bear when she was woken up abruptly. She had a couple of anger issues that were usually fully taken care of with her outlets in painting and running. But sometimes, like now as she growled and grit her teeth in response to something hit her face while she slept, a little bit of her temper could be seen. She was about ready to chew out whoever the hell had thought it was funny to throw something at her before her gaze settled upon Elle, whose grey eyes were open and looking right at her.

“Elle!” All the irritation was immediately washed away by a sense of relief. Elle was awake! She was going to be fine. Well, more fine than unconscious body, which was good, because Alex had to see her have one more seizure she’d probably have a break down. “Geeze…you scared the shit out of me… I’m glad you’re awake though.” Alex yawned and stretched, flinching a little bit because her awful position in the chair had given her a crick in her neck. “How’re you feeling? Are you in pain? Want me to get the nurse?”

Watching Alex wake was similar to watching a predator disturbed by some soon to be prey, a growl and look of fury as she roused herself, body slowly waking. Still, while Alex could be aggressive upon waking Elle knew she was a softy inside, she wouldn't be made once she gained her senses, hopefully that was. It was a relief to see all that anger wash away and a look of joy cross Alex's face, not just because she had chosen the crude object in the face approach to waking her lover, but because she seemed so happy Elle was awake and to be near her. It didn't mean they were fine, even in her fogged state she didn't delude herself in to thinking that, but anything was okay with Elle, as long as it meant Alex hadn't completely given up on her. She had known all along that Alex wasn't that type of person. Still, it was nice to have confirmed. She must have really been scared though because how quickly she began tossing out questions was overwhelming, especially because she had no damn clue what had happened. Elle just laughed though, smiling gently over at Alex with love in her eyes.

"I'm feeling foggy, and there is definitely some pain, but I don't think I need the nurse, it's not that bad..." She could guess why, the grogginess was most likely due to a mix of her injury and some serious medication, because she felt the tingle and numb sensation of being drugged up, and it was one she was not entirely use to. "Really I'm curious what happened more than anything... I just remember driving, and next thing I know I'm waking up here... And you're here... And..." She paused, voice choking up but she held herself together, being helped out in no small thanks to a throbbing headache that exceeded her emotional side. "Do you know what happened Alex? And how long have I been out? It's all so confusing." She sighed, leaning back on her remaining pillows and looking over at Alex, and in that moment she really did seem weak, the toll of the accident showing in subtle ways, such as how her breath was already labored from sitting up and moving around a bit, part of the toll the accident and surgery took on her.

For Elle though none of that mattered, Alex being with her made anything seem alright, and that was the feeling she was so damn scared of losing, the strength she always felt with her lover by her side. She didn't bring it up though, even if it was more pressing on her mind than what had happened, she kept it to herself and had no intention of bringing it up, not after what had happened the last time she tried to talk about it.

Even though Elle was awake now, Alex was still all sorts of worried. Now her worries shifted from if Elle would ever come out of her coma to if Elle was in a lot of pain or not. She really wanted to go get a nurse, just to be safe. But she didn’t want to leave Elle’s side.... Fuck, it felt like they came into the damn room every 15 minutes to write crap on the white board by the door, but when you actually needed a nurse they were never around! It soothed Alex a little bit for her lover to say that the pain wasn’t all that bad and she nodded a little bit.

Alex heard the crack in Elle’s voice and was out of her chair in an instant. She neared the bed and reached for the closest piece of her girlfriend that wasn’t stuck with needles or covered in bandages, her shoulder seemed safe enough. Even as she rubbed it gently though, Alex looked incredibly uncomfortable. It wasn’t because she was mad at Elle, it was mostly because she had ¼ of her own body covered in tattoos but was still horribly afraid of needles. Plus she was scared of touching or moving anything and having all the machines start beeping angrily at her. “Hey it’s okay…I’m right here…” She tried her best to sound brave though, mostly because she didn’t want Elle to lose it and cry. Pleasedon’tcry.Pleasedon’tcry.Pleasedon’tcry. “You’re fine babe... Everything’s going to be okay now.” Lie! Everything is not okay! Alright so maybe everything wasn’t okay, but Elle was okay, and that was enough of everything for Alex for now.

“You were in an accident…drunk driver blew through a red light and t-boned you.” Alex frowned at the thought of a car barreling straight into Elle’s driver side door. But she supposed she was lucky, the other driver could have been a lot worse and Elle could have been a lot more injured. It was strange, she should be seething mad at Elle and not want to be in the same room as her. But seeing her lover so weak and vulnerable just made Alex want to stay and protect her as best she could. They could fight or break up or figure things out later, after Elle was better. “You’ve been out for two days… you had a seizure last night…” Now it was Alex’s turn for her voice to crack. She quickly looked down because she could feel her eyes begin to sting. Seeing Elle convulsing on the bed and hearing all the equipment she was hooked up to going off had been one of the scariest things Alex had ever seen. “I’m…uh…I’m glad you’re okay.”

Alex's concern and attempts at comforting her only made Elle start to well up and she looked up at her lover. When she said it would all be okay, when she said she was right here, it made Elle feel like it was all going to be alright. "Thank you Alex..." She reached up and brushed her lover's cheek with her thumb, listening to what happened to her with loving eyes staring up at her girlfriend, managing to hold back tears for Alex, knowing how that got to her loving partner. She really was a softie deep down, even if she had some appreciation for rougher things. Hearing how long she had been out and about the seizure from Alex made it all seem better, not as horrible as it would have been if she had woken up to the news from some random nurse with Alex nowhere to be seen. She felt blessed that her lover had come back after how they left it, and she smiled gently at that thought, she really did love this woman, and she had to make things right.

"Alex I..." She paused, about to say sorry again, bring it all back up, ask for forgiveness again, and start it all over. She didn't though. Instead she reached out and poked Alex's cheek, a gentle smile on her face. "Alex I love you so much. Thank you for being here for me, you're always taking care of me." There was an odd almost sad tone to her voice, not only because she was thinking about their troubles, but because she knew Alex was the type to stick around in such a situation even if she still had concerns or problems, and Elle wasn't sure she wanted Alex to be with her because of this, even if she was ecstatic to wake up with Alex by her side. She said nothing though, it was not the time to talk about it. It was at that moment, where it was soon to turn awkward from Elle not knowing what to say, that an older nurse walked in to the room and smiled. "Glad to see you awake, your friend here was worried, she stayed by your side the whole time." She walked over to the bed and looked down at her, "Now tell me how you're feeling."

Elle explained everything, the small pains, the more intense pain, and how it felt like her left arm was off. After she was done the nurse nodded and explained that during the accident her arm received small injury, nothing serious but she shouldn't be lifting anything or leaning on it for a few weeks at least. She also explained all the bruises and scrapes received, as well as the bleeding in her skull, and how she seemed stable now but that they were going to want to observe her for the rest of the night and ensure nothing else happened before they sent her home. She also told her a doctor would be in later for a check-up before excusing herself and going to attend to other patients. It was only then Elle turned to Alex and gave her a reassuring smile, "Seems like I'll be fine, that's good right?" She was still unsure what to say, there was the awkward position of being in a serious argument but still caring for each other, she didn't know whether to resolve it or let the atmosphere linger. She didn't want Alex to leave though, despite everything she was still quite scared, Alex was always her strength in these situations, it was wrong but she needed her.

Usually the silences between them were not awkward or tense, but now all Alex wanted to do was duck out of the hospital room and take a shower at home if they were going to be in this silence for what felt like forever. Maybe it was because she didn't know what to say... Elle had said 'I love you', but Alex was reluctant to return the words that had come so easily between them in the past. How could she? How could she look at her cheating girlfriend and say 'I love you'. "Hey...I don't mind taking care of you, don't worry about it." Really, Alex didn't mind taking care of Elle whenever she didn't feel well. Her girlfriend was probably much better at dealing with illness as Alex was. The brunette would always turn into a whiney, small child when she had a fever or a stomach ache. Elle was always easy to take care of, even now, Alex didn't mind that she was tired and achey from sleeping in a hospital chair. She was just happy to be by Elle and have her girlfriend be okay.

Alex was quiet and out of the way as Elle and the nurse talked. She flinched slightly when the nurse moved some of the tubes and Alex could see the leads move a little bit so she turned her back on the pair and looked out the window while the nurse continued to poke and prod at Elle. When she was gone, Alex looked back at her lover, returning a little smile of her own. "Yeah...fine...that's good."

---

They were back at the apartment the next day. Alex had stayed with Elle the entire time. They'd spent most of that time in silence, just watching TV together, neither one really knowing what to say, and Alex being entirely content to avoid the problems just below the surface. Once the doctor cleared them, it was time to go. Elle was still on painkillers and not supposed to drive, so Alex would be her ride until she could ween herself off them. And because her girlfriend's arm was feeling funny, Alex would have to do little things for her that involved two hands and breakable/sharp objects, such as cooking or washing the dishes. Not that she minded.

"So ah...want me to fix something up for you?" Alex asked as she led Elle up the stairs and into the apartment, arm and arm because her girlfriend had seemed a little wobbly when she had gotten out of the car.

At the hospital it was easy enough to pretend the awkwardness felt was simply discomfort and a general dislike for hospitals, Elle blamed their environment for the seemingly empty space where conversation should have been at times. However when the stay in the hospital was over things didn't change and it became harder to ignore it. Hell, the doctor giving her permission to return home should have been a joyous event, but it didn't seem to carefree and jovial, not like it should have, it was all still off. Really Elle knew why, she knew Alex because loving someone for as long as she had loved Alex tended to lead to a certain understanding. So she knew things had not been resolved on the topic of her livelihood. She also knew Alex would never bring it up, she would just stay or leave with no verbal communication on the matter whatsoever.

Now, while Elle had felt fine with that at the hospital, just happy to be alive and to find Alex next to her, when they arrived back home it was stagnant and suffocating. Sure, they were back at their place, but it didn't feel comfortable and relaxing as a home should, not when there were long durations of silence and unspoken problems. Oh how Elle wished she could be like Alex sometimes, able to ignore things and let it all happen in her head, ignoring the rest of the world when she had a problem she didn't feel like letting out in the open or discussing. She wasn't though, Elle was the type that needed to speak things out loud, even if it was something she knew wouldn't end well.

So, with another one of those awkward days on the horizon Elle couldn't bottle it up any more, she allowed Alex to lead her in to the apartment, not wanting to make too big a scene, and then looked over at her with a serious and somewhat sad expression. "Alex, I'm tired of this. I don't like being with you but feeling like there is this distance between us, the awkward silence is unbearable. So no, I don't want you to fix anything, I don't want you to be here as some sort of duty bound servant just because you're weak to people in need. Just stop being nice already, because I can get someone from work to take care of me if that's the only reason you are here." She paused, part of her knowing she would never ask anyone from work for help, she only knew a few of them well and was rather friendless truth be told. Hell Alex had only met one or two of her friends before and they were all from high school.

"So please let's talk about this... One way or another I need resolution, I need to know whether I should be smiling or crying, whether I should expect to have you around for the rest of my life like I had always wanted or simply for the next few weeks while I heal up... I need to know if my job is going to drive you away."

“I’m not weak to people in need!” Lie. Alright, maybe she was a little bound by her own moral/honor code to help those in need. But she was not weak! And all she had wanted to do was make Elle a nice meal that wasn’t hospital food, not stand here in the hallway and deal with this bullshit. Gaaaaahhhh…why do women always want to talk about things? Alex didn’t want to talk about anything, she wanted the problem to either go away magically or to ignore it entirely until it wasn’t a big deal anymore.

Elle, on the other hand, appeared to be really good at pouring gasoline onto their problems and setting the whole pile on fire.

“ARE YOU FOR FUCKING FOR REAL, ELLE?!?!” Alex boomed incredulously. She could count the number of times she had flown off the handle infront of Elle on only one hand. Her rage had never been focused on her lover for any of those times, it was usually only directed towards drunken assholes at the bar or at Time Warner Cable customer service representatives. Those people may as well be drunken assholes…fucking incompetent bastards… At least she wouldn’t hit anything that she deemed weaker than her, so that saved Elle from a punch to the face as Alex replayed the words ‘I can get someone from work to help take care of me’ in her head. Though…in Alex’s mind they sounded more like ‘I can get someone from work to come over and fuck me silly on our bed because you are shit for a lover and a girlfriend.’

Yeah, being able to bottle things up and work out things in your head is not always the best thing.

---

“Alex… I can explain…”

Alex could remember standing in the middle of her old living room in college, asking her fiancé if the rumors had been true, if she really was running around with another girl behind Alex’s back. Why is it everyone thinks they can explain away cheating? There is no justifiable cause, at least not in Alex’s mind. She barely heard the list of reasons that her fiancé (well, soon to be ex-fiance) gave for her transgressions. ‘You’re just busy all the time…’, Really? It was senior year, how the fuck is everyone –not- busy? ‘You’re always working or you’re painting…’ Painting is not work? What I do and I love is not a real job to you? ‘You never have any time for me…’ I’m here every fucking weekend and every night!!

“I’m so glad this fucking thing meant so much to your, Chels!” Alex hissed as she ripped the ring off of her finger and hurled that stupid goddamn symbol of love and devotion straight at her cheating ex. “You want to throw everything away because you can’t help but be a two timing whore? Well fine! Fuck you too!”

---

Alex felt like she was a stupid little dreamer in college again, getting her heart ripped out by some girl that didn’t give a flying fuck about ‘I love you’s or the stupid fake futures they planned before bed. Ones where they’d have a house, kids, and maybe a cat (because lesbians love getting pet cats together). At least she wasn’t engaged this time, that was good, right? Though now as thought about it, she felt even more like a dumbass because she had a savings account that she had slowly been socking away money into for a ring for Elle. Elle made a decent amount of money more than her and Alex had been aggressively saving for awhile now, wanting to prove that even though she didn’t make a ton of money as an artist, she could still manage to get her girlfriend something expensive. You are so fucking stupid sometimes… Welp, looked like that extra savings was going to go to finding a new apartment, because Alex didn’t think she could do this.

“Don’t you dare fucking stand there and say you want me to be in your life forever. No more fucking lies, Elle!” Perhaps that was the worst part about all this, Alex had truly believed that Elle was a programmer. Her lover had been lying right to her face, and Alex hadn’t been able to tell the difference. How would she stay with someone that she couldn’t trust?

“What is there to talk about? What can either of us possibly say. You run around with other girls behind my back. Do you bring them home when I’m gone? Fuck them in our bed too?! I have tried so damn hard, Elle…don’t even tell me that you were feeling fucking lonely whenever I was traveling.” Loving Elle was not hard, it had never been, but being a good girlfriend was. Alex was really bad at balancing her life, her friends, her work, and her girlfriend. Usually her relationships failed because she would get sucked into the studio or she’d go out with her buddies from work or from college too much. So she’d tried really, really hard with Elle because she loved this girl so much. She’d even started setting alarms on her phone so that she would come home at a reasonable hour so that she could spend time with her lover instead of painting! And yeah, sometimes she’d have to travel and not be home all the time, go to gallery openings where they were showing her art in order to promote herself. Elle had never been able to get off of work to go to the shows that weren’t local, but Alex had tried so hard to make time for her lover if she was traveling, to call her every night or Skype with her whenever she could. How am I not enough for her?

“How am I not good enough for you yet?” Alex’s voice cracked and her eyes welled up with tears. And there it was, her major insecurity revealed: Alex was afraid that she was not good enough for Elle. It was the baggage that came with being an artist in a family of successful professions. Her younger sister was a successful bonds broker, her little brother was in the middle of his clinicals for med school, and her parents were both established medical professionals. Alex was never good enough for anyone in her home life. And then there was Elle…a girl that was so gorgeous that Alex thought she had been out of her league from the get go, who was incredibly smart, a ‘programmer’ to boot that made nearly double what Alex could scrape together. Alex was surrounded by people that she could not measure up to in her public life, and now that inadequacy had spread into her private life if she wasn’t a good enough fuck to even keep her girlfriend around. What good was she?

Certain moments in life a situation would spiral out of control and explode like a train wreck in slow motion. It was always the same, one person did or said something and the results were not even close to what had been meant at the time. For Elle one of those moments was in the process of occurring. A silent scream in her head warned her that she had said the wrong fucking thing if she wanted any semblance of conversation with Alex. She had said something about having someone from work take care of her, someone would be in their place, with her, alone, and she wouldn't have Alex around. It was horrible, she knew it and the most devastating part was that she didn't even have people from work she would feel comfortable having around to take care of her. She only had Alex, in her entire life Alex was the only person, aside from her parents, who she was truly close to. Fuck, why hadn't she just had Alex meet them and break it to her then. Sure, they lived a long way away but she loved them to death, talked to them constantly, and they knew more about Alex than anyone else. Hell, Elle bragged. She didn't want to call them crying and let them know she had fucked up the most important relationship in her life.

When Alex accused her of such sickening betrayals though Elle lost it, yanking herself away and almost falling on the floor because of it, hitting the wall with a pained wince and hurt eyes. "Fuck you Alex, fuck you!" She shouted, a few tears in her eyes. "I'm so damn tired of you telling me what I feel and what I do, it's exactly what I knew would happen when you knew what I did for a living. You instantly jump to me being a dirty fucking whore who is dating you just to fuck you over and cheating on you in our bed like some slut. That is not who I am and you would fucking remember that if you just calmed yourself down." She positioned herself better on the wall, back pressed up against it as a few labored breaths escaped. "Because I do love you. I support you in everything you want to do because I love and believe in you. I spend every fucking second I can with you, whenever I'm not working to pay the bills I'm with you. And yes, I'm a fucking pornstar, I have sex for a living, sure call me a prostitute or a hooker, whatever the hell you think it makes me, but nobody has ever made me feel ashamed about it before and I'll be damned if I let you make me feel like a piece of trash now!"

She grit her teeth, trying not to cry and get everything she wanted to say out before Alex stormed off or continued in her little explosion. She even laughed, looking over at Alex with a saddened face. "And you think I would sleep with these women outside of work? Have you ever met one of my friends? No? I didn't think so. Because I have no friends... I am not friends with these women and to me the scenes I'm in are work, there is no romance or love. Hell if you knew what making adult films was like you would understand why I'm tired, it's not because I'm getting fucked ragged, it's because there are so many damned takes that I'm sore and worn down by the time it's over... Not to mention I've had a ragged voice because I've had to fake so many fucking orgasms I can't talk in the morning." She paused but only to catch her breath as exhaustion from all of the moving and talking on her own was putting on her.

Then she heard the crack in Alex's voice and she looked up, seeing tears and finding her heart instantly shattering at the sight of her strong lover crumbling with feelings of inadequacy. She wanted to reach out, comfort her, try to make it better, but in this situation finishing what she needed to say was the only option she had to even try and salvage things, to try and make Alex understand what in the hell was going on in her head. "Alex... You're the only thing that makes me happy... Do you remember when we first met?" She paused, letting the memory rekindle. "I was drinking myself into a stupor, each day was me drinking before going home to an empty apartment with some frozen dinner. I was miserable, and even when you asked me out it was clear to you how down I was, and I made up that excuse about hating my job... Telling you how frustrating it was to be a programmer, how it was more of the same with no passion for what I did... You changed all that."

Elle took a deep breath. "You made my life bright, made waking up and going to that job okay because when I got done and came home you were here... So no, you're not just good enough for me, you're fucking everything to me and it's been that way ever since you came in to my life. It made me scared, from the fucking moment I realized I had fallen in love with you. That mentioning what I did, that a woman like you would hear that and find me disgusting, a used piece of meat that you would never love. It's the same reason I never let you meet my parents, because they would have let it slip. So I kept going to my job and lying to you, not because you are not good enough for me... Never that... But because I know that I'm not good enough for you, that I don't deserve you, and I'm not sure why I thought you would never find out and I could keep you forever, but it's what I hoped." She looked away, a few tears falling from her eyes as she quickly tried to wipe them away and avoid Alex's gaze, waiting to hear the door at the end of the hallway shut and Alex to be gone. Fuck, it was unbearable.

Why do people always say that? 'Calm down'. Like reminding her that she is having a meltdown is going to make her any more calm. Elle wasn't helping her remain calm anyways; not when she was talking about faking orgasms at least. The few climaxes that Alex had seen in videos had looked so real! And now Alex was afraid she was a bumbling nitwit that had never made her girlfriend orgasm once in their entire relationship. Gah…Elle is too good of a liar…

Alex swiped at her tears and sniffled, willing her emotions to knock it the fuck off. It was a lot…too much…and she just wanted to go. Where? She didn't know, but anywhere would be better than here as long as all this emotional rollercoaster wasn't happening. From the lowest low, Elle was bringing her up to her highest high. She couldn't help but smile slightly as she remembered the memory that Elle was talking about. Though she remembered it from her own viewpoint of a terrified young artist hitting on a girl that was way out of her league. A programmer with the face and body of a model? Though it hadn't been Elle's body that had attracted Alex initially…it had been her eyes. Those eyes that were so light that Alex kept glancing at Elle over and over again from across the bar to try to figure out what color they were. It had been nerve wracking to approach her just to find out… Elle looked like the girl next door and Alex looked like the hoodlum getting arresting for breaking into the girl next door's house. But Elle had laughed at her dumb jokes, had smiled at her silly pick up lines, and had let Alex get her number for a real date later on.

"Don't say that shit about yourself!" Alex snapped, suddenly looking very serious. Part of it was her inner teacher talking…the part that did not approve of self doubt of self destruction. But most of it was her not wanting Elle to think that Alex thought she was disgusting or a used piece of meat. "You are none of those things Elle… You are wonderful… You're so sweet and kind, patient and thoughtful… But you don't know what I would have been like if you had told me the truth. Hell, I don't even know… I probably would have thought it was hot or that you were pulling my leg. But it would have been better to know in the beginning than to get fucking blindsided by it now!" Alex's anger was a little dulled by Elle being so very sweet. She hadn't known that she had made such an impact on her lover's life, but all the tender things her lover told her got her at least to stop yelling for a moment.

"in my experience…girls cheat because I stop paying attention to them. I just…get sidetracked with other stuff and forget that I'm in a relationship." So Alex had instilled 'date night' in their relationship. Every Saturday they'd go somewhere or do something. Alex could be a real dork about it too, actually asking Elle out and then telling her she'd pick her up at whatever time, even though the pair of them lived together. So she thought she'd been doing really good! "But I don't get it… I don't get why you do this stuff if I've been a decent girlfriend. And your parents know?" Now Alex was -really- confused.

"Just sit down, please? You stubborn ass…" The insult was said in the same tone as an endearment. Alex stepped forward and very slowly wrapped her arms around her lover to help hold her up and pull her away from the wall. "The doctor said you had to take it easy…and we can fight some more on the couch…you can even handcuff me to it if you think I'm going to run out." Alex was only half teasing, because she was pretty sure she had a pair of old leather cuffs sitting in her secret suitcase of bondage gear. Alright, so they both had their secrets, but at least Alex hadn't slept with anyone else.

Elle had plenty to say but Alex shut her down for a moment, first getting angry that Elle was speaking badly about herself and then being annoyingly sweet and leading her to the couch. "Fine... But I will handcuff you if you try and get away..." She muttered, though they both knew Alex wasn't going anywhere, she was too kind a person and wouldn't want to risk Elle's health for anything, even if she was angry about the lie she had been told. Fuck, Elle just didn't know what to do. Still, as lost as she felt she wasn't about to give up, she cared for Alex far too much to throw in the towel, and until Alex called things off or made it crystal clear they were through she would argue her side. So she let Alex lead her to the couch and plopped down, sighing in relief as the comfort enveloped her and it became easier to focus on what was currently most important, Alex. She pat the cushion next to her, hoping her lover would take the offer as opposed to sitting away from her in the chair, she wanted to be close to her, to get a perfect facial view to try and determine whether her words were having any effect at all.

"Alex... I know what you think of me, that I'm a liar, a cheater... Well I can't deny the truth, in the simplest form I am those things, I lied to you about my job and I do porn for a living... But it's truly not that simple." She took a deep breath, leaning back and trying to find the right words to explain it in a way that wouldn't add oil to the fire. "I've tried relationships before. I've had girlfriends who all say they are completely fine with my career, who say its hot or act totally okay with it, but they never truly stick around to find out who I am and if they want something serious before bailing. Whether it be them wanting a single night with a porn star to add to their resume or thinking I'm a cheap girl because of it, it always ends. Even those who said they were fine eventually change their mind, telling me to quit or we are through, and usually it's not to the point in a relationship where I can quit my job and think it will last, that I can say 'fine' and know that they won't dump me where I find myself alone and jobless." She paused again, swallowing as she looked at Alex.

"This time it's different. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. You're the person who makes me happy, you're my best friend and the only woman I have feelings for. However when we first met I didn't know that, I didn't know I would fall for you or that you would find this insecure dorky girl charming and stay with me... I never thought I would find anyone that I could picture myself spending the rest of my life with, but I hadn't given up. I wanted something serious, and starting with "I'm a porn star" just didn't seem reasonable. So I lied, not to deceive but to give myself a damn chance." She scratched her head with her good arm and sighed, none of this was easy for her, it all felt like excuses even if it was all the truth. "After that there just never seemed to be a right time. I mean I had no friends to let it slip, my parents are the only family I have and they knew but you have never met them. I don't spend time with people from work and really I fell for my own lie, enjoyed you seeing me as I am here and not for what I did all day..."

Elle shook her head, making herself slightly dizzy but it brought her back to the point. "Honestly, I don't enjoy my job as much as I use to. I've been working in the porn industry since I graduated high school, and I loved it then, it was exhilarating and fun, I met interesting people, but trying to balance a life with it beat me down. And I don't do it because you get sidetracked or caught up, I find that part of you cute... It's because it's all I've known, it's the job I went to and the times I've considered quitting, and trust me ever since I've met you those thoughts has multiplied, I think about what will happen. I think about not having enough money, not being able to get any other job that makes anything at all, hell I think about having to try and hide from it for the rest of my life if I do change careers and do something worthwhile. Will people find out? Will it ruin future jobs? What do I tell you, who I truly want to spend the rest of my life with, why I am not searching for another programming job? I just... I got caught in all of this and after so many years I don't know what to do... I only know I want to keep you in my life Alex, no matter what it takes."

Elle was nearly crying, her voice was choking up and she looked over at Alex, barely keeping herself from doing the one thing her lover was truly weak too. "Tell me... Is there any chance? Or have I already ruined the only chance I have to be happy?" It was slightly manipulative and she knew it, but Elle needed her, she loved Alex, and she would do anything to keep her, which honestly scared her as much as anything else.

Alex looked a little more relieved to have Elle agree to sit down on the couch. She offered her arm, and once Elle took it, she led her lover towards the couch. Alex moved one of the throw pillows, setting it against the arm of the couch so that Elle would be comfortable leaning against it before she let her sit down. For a moment it looked as though she were going to sit over on the chair, which was odd, because Alex never sat in the chair, but she wasn’t sure if she could be in such close proximity to Elle without instantly caving. A few pats on an empty cushion and an asking look from Elle was all it took though to make her sit down next to her lover.

Alex was so whipped for a Domme.

“Yeah well…I like that you are a dorky girl…” The brunette muttered as she settled into the couch. Alex didn’t look like much of a dork herself, infact she looked like the type of person that beat up dorks. But Alex was really into gaming, she read whatever fantasy or sci-fi novels she could get her hands on, and she sometimes focused her artistic talents into making costumes that were entirely too detailed for conventions…so it had been a huge relief to find out that Elle was a bit of a nerd herself; and it had made her fall in love with the gorgeous redhead all the more.

Alex folded her arms as she listened to Elle speak about her past relationships and her reasoning for lying. She didn’t appear so standoffish because she wasn’t interested, but because she didn’t want to instinctively reach out and hold Elle’s hand as she kept talking. She could understand her lover’s fear of not wanting to quit her job. And if Alex was 100% honest with herself, she couldn’t ask Elle to change occupations either. She didn’t make enough to take care of herself and Elle, it wouldn’t be fair to ask her girlfriend to quit and then leave her so financially vulnerable. But still, it didn’t make this suck any less.

“I dunno…I seriously don’t know if we have a chance.” Her voice had dropped off to the point that it was nearly inaudible. Alex didn’t know what to do. “I just…it’s like…gah…” And then she was quiet for what seemed forever. It took Alex a long time to work out feelings and emotions. “Elle… I don’t like that you’re a good liar…I don’t like that I can’t tell if anything in the last year and a half has been real.” It was a little bit unfair to say, but so was telling Alex such a huge lie in the first place. Now it was hard for Alex to believe anything. All the 'I love you's, all the other things that Elle had told her about herself and her family... Were they truth or just more lies?

“And there are always other chances…don’t pretend there’s not…” They were young, and yeah, sometimes breaking up at this age felt like the whole world was over. But to think that Alex was the only person that could ever make Elle happy was a little naïve.

With a sigh, Alex let her eyes flick up past Elle, towards the kitchen and to the time on the microwave. “Look, Elle…it’s way past lunch time…how about I make us something so we don’t start wanting to choke eachother out from hunger?” Alex had very little going for her right now. Her girlfriend was cheating on her, she hadn’t had sex in nearly two weeks, and she had been surviving off of barely edible hospital food for the two days she had spent watching over said cheating girlfriend. Food would probably be good right now, before she got even more bearish than she already was.

Elle smiled when Alex called her a dork, because it was true and something Alex had learned about her that couldn't be called a lie in any sense of the word. Really Elle didn't see how Alex had convinced herself that it had all been a lie. Did she really think so badly of Elle that she believed every time they were together it had been some big joke? Would that have even made sense? For Elle it didn't, she couldn't find a reason for her to be with Alex aside from love. Sure the girl was incredible in bed but she wasn't rich or famous, Elle didn't care about that shit. She was with Alex because she could be her clumsy dorky self and not have to worry about anything other than Alex finding her adorable. She could be tired and just relax with her lover, have fun playing games and being a complete dork. They had gone to conventions together and gone on spectacular dates, they had been happy. How could Alex just look past all of that and only see her job, how she had sex with people for a living. She wasn't denying it was horrible, keeping that secret had been a mistake, but she also didn't want to simply give up all footing and act like everything they had together could all be dismissed on a single premise. It was bullshit.

She wasn't angry, not really. She was a bit annoying, not quite grasping how Alex could stretch it so far, but she knew the gorgeous woman in front of her was passionate, and had to believe to her the slightest indiscretion was unacceptable, job or not. Then Alex said something that drained the remaining color from Elle's already pale skin. She didn't know if they had a chance, and Elle felt like she was going to disappear, everything felt like it would crumble away. "Whatever..." Was all she uttered when she finally spoke, letting Alex know she could go cook something if she wanted. It had been a huge shock to her to hear how Alex felt about the situation in all truth. Yes, she had been saying much of the same the entire time, but Elle told her everything, she was being as honest as she could be and revealing things about herself she thought pathetic and sad. It changed nothing, all because Alex was no longer sure she could trust Elle.

Still, as Alex began to get up she looked up at the woman and spoke in a quiet, sad voice, not about to cry but defeated, drained of energy. "Alex... I'm not sure what you think of me at this point. You say I'm this outstanding liar, you call me a cheater, and you obviously don't trust me... But at the same time you refuse to let me put myself down. So I get hopeful... I think, maybe she has seen the parts of me that others haven't, seen past my fucking job and to the clumsy little dork I've always been. Yet you still don't know if we have a chance... It's like saying, yes, I've seen every part of you, but I'm not going to believe that it's real. Denying everything about me because of a single horrible mistake..." She paused, there had been no point made, but that was what it had felt like to Elle. Like the person she loved most in the world had said, yes I see that your not the queen of the damned but at the same time I'm not sure you aren't a horrible person who is deceiving me further. As if every moment of their life together had been some elaborate hoax. How tiring that would have been.

"But let me make this perfectly clear to you Alex... Because I'm so tired and I don't want to say it again... I mean really, I won't, you can choose to believe me after this or not but this is it..." She paused, looking up into Alex's eyes, hers being so tired, exhausted from the combination of pained body and worn down soul. "I love you. The girl you have been with all of this time, the dork who loves sci-fi and games, the clumsy nerd who trips over her own feet at times... The girl who has said I love you and curled up in your lap so many nights... That is me. I fucking love you dammit... I'll do fucking anything for you, but if you refuse to believe me there is nothing I can do. You either have to make the choice to not forgive me and end this, or separate my job from everything else and realize I've done nothing but love you from the moment we got together and move forward knowing that nothing you knew before finding out my career is any different because of it... I mean fuck Alex... I'll... I'll quit my fucking job if you want. I'll get some shitty minimum wage job and work day and night to make sure we stay afloat... Just please believe me, I won't be able to handle it if this ends not because you can't accept me for who I am but because you can't trust that who I am is the real me..."

It was long winded and she was panting by the end of it, leaning back against the couch and trying to calm her breathing, her entire body still feeling sore and tired after the accident. "It will be worth it to be happy..." She panted gently, looking over to Alex again, "Because for me... You are happiness... I don't need money... Just you." She stopped talking, leaning back and just relaxing, closing her eyes as tears began to form and her cheeks burned with anger at herself for not just telling Alex sooner. Why did nothing ever seem to work out for her no matter what she did. "Please... Please..." She muttered under her breath, body recovering slowly as she laid back, half way to falling asleep before she opened her eyes and wiped tear stains from her cheeks. She looked over to the kitchen to see what Alex was doing, not even sure how long she had sat there for, eyes covered and begging, even praying, for Alex's forgiveness and presence in her life moving forward.

Alex was a little bit of a health nut. She wasn’t crazy, organic, hippie lady, but one of the first things to go when her and Elle had moved in together were the frozen dinners and cans of SpaghettiOs, followed by any bags of chips that weren’t tortilla (because salsa is delicious). After several failed attempts to get soda out of the apartment too, she’d just given up on that front; Elle had made so many other concessions in Alex’s kitchen rampage that she let her keep those drinks. Alex hopped up off of the couch at Elle’s almost-permission to go cook lunch, and headed off towards the kitchen to start rifling through the fridge for something to cook.

“Yup.” This was how Alex usually talked about her feelings. One word statements or silence all together. She had been doing better with Elle, forming whole sentences that were sometimes poorly structured, but still sentences at least. But now Alex had just sort of shut down, everything hurt too much, and she was content to relapse into single syllable words as long as it dulled the pain that Elle’s lie had caused. Besides, she might as well just agree, her lover had hit the nail right on the head: Alex saw who Elle really was and truly did care for those parts of her…but now she couldn’t trust the woman that sat on the couch.

Alex was in the kitchen, chopping up vegetables, quietly doing the math in her head as she tried to figure out if her lover leaving her job was even possible. Elle made –a lot-. A minimum wage job wasn’t going to do and she would indeed need to work overtime. Alex had worked minimum wage jobs in college, she’d worked herself to the bone, nearly getting burnt out in her senior year. She remembered how much it sucked to get home from one job, have to shower, change, and then go straight off to the other even when your feet hurt and you are tired as fuck. She didn’t want that kind of life for Elle.

If she crunched the numbers in her head, they could squeak by with Elle working one minimum wage job and Alex bringing home as much as she currently was… But Alex didn’t want to squeak by…her and Elle would want to have kids eventually, they’d want to buy a house to raise those kids in. Donors and fertility treatments, hell, even adoption were all expensive as fuck. And what if another emergency happened? It would wipe out any sort of savings they could gather up for the down payment of a house. Besides… it’s nearly impossible to save up for the unforeseen when living paycheck to paycheck. Car breaking down, medical bills, it all added up. Gah…this accident alone is going to set us back while we wait for the insurance company to get their shit together to sue the guy that had hit Elle.

She could always ask her parents for money or for help? They sure as hell made enough. But Alex was stubborn, she wanted to do this on her own…

“You can’t quit your job…” Alex muttered after an extended silence as she stared down at the cutting board that was filled with the chopped makings of a salad. Having Elle say she would quit though…it did pick up her spirits a little bit. “I…” Alex sighed and paused. She set her chef’s knife down and then moved to the sink to wash her hands before she came back out into the living room. Then she knelt down on the floor, next to Elle so that they could be eye level. “I…want to start over…” Her brow furrowed slightly as she tried to think of a way to explain what she wanted better. “Everything I mean…all of this… I want to pretend this is our first date. And I want you to tell me about yourself and not lie to me. And then…we can see if I still like you enough to spend the night. Deal?”

As Alex went to the kitchen, her usual shield up when faced with a situation she didn't like, Elle was left on the couch, feeling like a fool and hopeless. It seemed like some cosmic joke to the woman. She had finally found someone who didn't seem to care about her odd personality, nor how much they had to take care of her with all the bad habits she had formed living alone. Alex even truly wanted a life with her, a house and a family, to get married... It was a dream and Elle had cried with happiness more than anger or sorrow in their time together. Sure they had their disagreements, but Alex was the first person who had ever made Elle feel as loved and cared for as she did. So she was willing to do anything to keep her, but it seemed just this once she had been the one to royally fuck the entire relationship. Usually she was the one being tossed aside or toyed with. She would get a girlfriend who didn't take them seriously and slept around, or who had only wanted to add the notch of a pornstar to their belt. She had dated losers and people who thought they were better than her because of her line of work. People who had thought she would be stupid and easy but disappointed to find out that was not true.

Alex had been none of those, and knowing that this time she had been the one to ruin it was crushing her inside. She didn't even feel like crying but instead curling up in a ball and falling in to a depression. She didn't want to go back to the empty apartment, to the absolute loneliness that Alex had saved her from. When she moved and got in to porn she had expected a fun life, one where she spent most of her time with friends or at parties, that had no been the life she had found. Perhaps she hadn't been meant for the business, hell she wasn't a big party person to begin with. Elle preferred a night in on the sofa with a movie or playing some games, even reading, but doing it alone was no fun. The days of frozen dinners and fast food had gone with Alex, and while she would still sneak a fatty burger on occasion she didn't miss those days. Nothing in her life had been better before Alex, different sure but it had all changed for the best with the woman currently considering breaking it all off with her.

Elle was holding her head in her hands, fingers pushed up in her hair and legs tucked in to her chest up on the couch, which Alex would have chastised her about if she had noticed, shoes on the furniture a big no-no for her. Still, in that moment Elle didn't care, she couldn't even find amusement in a realization such as that and only took long deep breaths as she tried to calm herself. It wasn't working out so well and for some reason all the stress she was putting on herself was making her body throb and her arm was hurting for no reason other than Elle's inability to focus on something else, because she didn't want to think about the other things happening or the possibilities for her and Alex.

Then Alex said the unexpected, and Elle almost yelled when she said that she couldn't quit her job. It seemed unreasonable that she be hated for it but unable to quit it. However, if she had thought about it for even a moment she would realize she had been unreasonable as well, to act like quitting it cancelled out a lie or that working minimum wage would allow them to have a life together. Elle had no talents or job experience aside from her role in the pornography industry, and that didn't look good on a resume for a serious job. She would be lucky to work somewhere at minimum wage and it would take time to get a job. She was glad she hadn't opened her mouth when Alex continued though and her looked up, head on top of her knees as Alex said she wanted to start over, and while positive thinking had been substantially beat down she couldn't help but smile gently.

She didn't respond right away though, she was processing things and knew it was a guarantee, Alex was just giving them a chance, and that was all Elle had been begging for. "Yeah. I'll tell you everything..." She still sounded down but with a smile her voice livened up a bit, wanting to make it a real first date and let Alex know who she really was, and hopefully after that she would see all of their time together and realize she had been with the real Elle all along. So she reached out and brushed Alex's cheek, smiling at her, "Hey Alex, I know it's our first date and everything, so how about something more than a little salad hmm? I'm pretty hungry." She giggled, a sound that hadn't come out of her in some time, and she poked Alex in the nose, her feet coming off the couch and her back leaning against the soft cushion once again. She hadn't quickly recovered but if Alex wanted a first date she was going to give it to her and be that bubbly, happy, clumsy dork Alex had fallen in love with, she would be herself and not the depressed woman she had let take over since before the accident.

Alex couldn't help but return Elle's smile as her lover lit up with hope. Seeing her girlfriend happy, even a little bit, always got Alex out of a bad mood. You are an iddiioootttt. This is a baaddd ideeaaaaaa. The little voice in her head was right, she probably shouldn't be giving Elle another chance. She should still be mad, flipping-tables-over mad. And Alex -should- really just leave, walk out before it became too hard to do so. But she couldn't seem to stop herself, self-sacrifice and self-destruction were built into her personality. She worried about Elle and had been in love with this woman for so long... It was hard to imagine that her sweet, clumsy Elle was a porn star; if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes, she never would have believed it.

She'd just...give her this chance. Just this one chance...

Dumbass!

"Aw I was going to put chicken on it and stuff..." Alex's focus from her inner turmoil was rerouted towards her cooking skills and she pouted. In the beginning it had been hard to get Elle to eat something that wasn't fast food or stuffed with salt and preservatives, and Alex had had to resort to looking cute in order to get Elle to eat whatever weird healthy thing she was making. The broccoli and spinach smoothies hadn't quite caught on yet... But other than that, her lover had been eating much better than when they had first met.

Elle did have a point she supposed... If they were going to go on a date, then it should be like a real date and they should go out. Alex liked a good burger herself, as long as it came from an actual restaurant (McDonald's and Burger King didn't count!) She had never really quite mastered making burgers and always had to go out if she wanted a good one. "How about...we go to that bar where we first met? They have some really good food."

"No booze." Alex quickly added as she got up to stand. She could be a little bit of a mother hen sometimes. But Elle's medication seemed pretty strong and she didn't want her lover to get more woozy than she already was. Plus Alex was a very horny, handsy drunk, it would be better if they both didn't have a drop of alcohol on their new first date.

"Just...let me put the food away. And get your sneakers off the couch!" Alex grumbled as she finally noticed that her girlfriend was still wearing shoes in the apartment. No shoes allowed in the house! Ever! And she hated when people complained that her floor was dirty. No, my floor is clean. Your dirty ass sneakers on my clean floor is what is making it dirty.

Alex quickly went to work putting the chopped vegetables away. Then she took a Sharpie out to mark the date on the plastic baggie that she had stuffed the food in. Years of having odd jobs had included a few at different restaurants. Some weird habits came home with her, such as always labeling the prep date on the food. Once that was taken care off, she headed over to Elle to offer her hand and help her lover down the stairs and out to the beat up Honda Civic that Alex had been driving since she was 16.

The cuteness Alex often displayed to get her way would have worked on any normal night. Hell, Alex being manipulative had been the main reason she had tried so many healthy foods, and while most of it was disgusting to her, and only eaten to please Alex, some of it she genuinely enjoyed now. There were some things she refused to try however, mainly the nasty vegetable smoothies Alex insisted on downing. Sure she said the vegetables didn't even have a taste, and yes it was healthy, but just the idea made Elle want to gag. She had run away before just because Alex tried to force one on her. That was how it worked, Alex tried to make her better and Elle just seemed to resist and be a general pain in her lover's ass. Sure she was a cute pain, but it didn't seem like she was that good for Alex. Even knowing that she couldn't bring herself to let it end, and she had to make it clear she could do more than be a burden on the woman she truly wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

To do that she was going to have the best first date ever and be more open than she had been with Alex through the course of their relationship. She wasn't going to just toss everything from before out, they had done far too much together and Alex meant more to her than anything else, but for the night she was going to suppress that and smile like it was the first time they were together. So when the bar where they had first met came up Elle's face lit up and she looked up with beaming happiness. That was the day her life changed and that bar meant something to her now. Where before it had been the place she went to get shit faced and try to forget about her life for a small period, it was now one of her most precious locations. Of course when Alex said no booze she pouted, a huff and puffy cheeks coming out for the first time since before Alex discovered her job, the utmost cute Elle could manage showing on her face and body language as she hugged her knees and let out a small whimper.

She would have challenged the no booze ruling if Alex wasn't already being so accommodating, but she was right, it would be best to have everything from the night be crystal clear and not have alcohol play any part. She simply huffed again when Alex got on to er about the shoes, the smart ass inside of her thinking that Alex had been the one who led her in with her shoes still on, so concerned about her that she didn't think about it. Heh, didn't that train of thought make her feel like a moron, huffing because Alex cared for her. Still, she felt like being a bit of a child, and she let her feet stomp onto the floor before she stood up from the couch and slowly made her way over to the door, taking off her shoes and standing there, a grin on her face as she made her stand. "Alright, they are off. So are we going? I need to know so I can figure out when to put them back on." She crossed her arms but her tone was purely teasing and she couldn't help but giggle at the expression she knew she would receive.

When Alex was so sweet with her thought she couldn't help but sigh and put the shoes back on without another word. Then she took her lover's hand and leaned up against her, a soft voice escaping her lips, almost hesitantly, "I've always thought you would get tired of me... But you don't, or at least you don't show it... All you do is care for me... I truly don't deserve you Alex..." It was almost sad, mainly because she knew what she said was absolutely true, but she didn't push the thought, part of her was scared the truth would click in Alex's head if she did. Instead she let Alex help her to the car and got in without a word, letting the real thoughts slip away again and smiling over at Alex once she was in the driver's seat. "So, what are you thinking about ordering for dinner Alex? Because I'm starving for some real food."

“Har har. You’re hilarious.” Alex rolled her eyes and heaved an overdramatic sigh of irritation as Elle took her shoes back off. She wasn’t actually mad, not by a long shot, she actually kind of liked Elle’s smartass-ness. Alex could be the same way…and it was nice to be dating someone that could go back and forth with her. “Okay, okay, I’m coming.” She took the hint and hurried up, shutting the fridge and then heading towards Elle. Alex slipped on a comfy pair of Vans before offering her hand to her girlfriend so that she could help her down the stairs and to the car.

“Elle…don’t be silly.” Alex was tempted to brush off the comment from Elle, but knew that her lover would need some reassurance. So she stopped in the doorway, and turned to face Elle. “Look, I’m not tired of you…and I don’t think I ever will…” Alex smiled, a sad smile because she was majorly conflicted, but it was a smile nonetheless. They’d been together for a little over a year and still, Elle made her laugh and kept her interested. “And right now, yeah, you don’t really deserve me. Buuuttt…hopefully you’ll make that up to me.” Alex leaned forward and gave Elle a light kiss on the cheek. Her girlfriend wasn’t totally out of the dog house yet, but there was still hope.

Now that they were all set to leave, Alex locked the door behind them and escorted Elle through the hall, down the elevator, and out towards the car. She opened the door for Elle and helped her in before jogging over to her side to hop inside. Alex started up the car and then down to the Cock and Bull they went! It wasn’t the most romantic of names, but if you wanted a mouthwatering burger or a delicious order of wings, the Cock and Bull was the place to be. And the best part was, the drinks weren’t outrageously priced and the bartenders had heavy hands with the liquor.

“Ah, probably the Bull Burger.” Alex responded after a moment of thought. She loved the wings, but it was a little horrifying to watch her eat them and she would not subject Elle to such a view on their ‘first date’. “What do you think you’re getting, babe-Elle?” Alex correct herself, vaguely aware that she should probably try to maintain some sort of distance between them she tried to bring herself to trust the woman sitting next to her once more.

Elle's confidence needed the slight boost Alex gave her with the kind words. She needed to hear that despite everything, their time together and the current situation, that Alex enjoyed being with her. Not that it could solve all their problems, Elle had fucked up and it was a big deal, but knowing that Alex loved her and wanted to be with her meant a lot, and it made that sparkle of hope feel a tad brighter. So she smiled, squeezing Alex's hand gently, and then started to walk with her, hand in hand, towards the car. Maybe if she was lucky she would trip and Alex would be forced to catch her, they could have a little body contact and she could feel the warmth she had been lacking for awhile. What a sad thought that was, and Elle almost laughed just thinking about it, the idea that risking her own safety, and possible dragging Alex to the ground with her, was a wonderful idea as long as she got to hold Alex, or be held which was more Elle's desire than anything. Fuck, she would be thrilled if things would just work out, she missed Alex in every conceivable way.

Still, there was time left for that to happen and for the moment she took the small victories, such as holding hands or having Alex be so polite and open her door. That was something she had always loved about Alex, her charm and genuine thoughtfulness, it always made Elle smile, even after the time they had been together Every time Alex held a door open for her she smiled, it never wore out. Still, there was a lot that night meant and she was focused on what was ahead, including what she was going to get to eat, a question she only found an answer to when she was asked, and it was an answer she knew Alex was going to hate. "I think I'll get myself the double bacon cheeseburger with a sprinkling of blue cheese crumbles and the spicy mayo." She grinned, it was a first date but there was more to it than that, she couldn't help but put on a mischievous look when she knew her health nut of a lover would forbid that choice other nights, especially the calorie loaded mayo and blue cheese crumble added to the mix. Sure, Alex's ideas for healthier meals had rubbed off on Elle, she even used avocado in place of mayo at times, but she still had her greasy and fatty desires.

Of course she had noticed the babe slipping out as well, but she chose not to acknowledge that and instead leaned back in her seat and looked out the window as they drove, deciding to make some light conversation as they drove. "So Alex, what do you do for fun? I mean, if you weren't out with me right now and just wanted to relax what would you do?" She knew the answer but it was a first date, and truthfully a gentle reminder of the hobbies she tried to share with Alex was always nice, especially because with her long hours she often neglected to attempt the countless things Alex always tried to get her to do. Hell she could still remember the shitty vase she made... Alex probably still had it hidden from sight, knowing Elle would get rid of all the misshapen evidence otherwise.

“Sounds good.” Sounds horrifying! Was she supposed to still be polite even though mayonnaise and blue cheese have no business being on the same piece of food together?!?!? Blech… Alex had been a pudgey little thing growing up and during high school when she had started to learn how to cook, she’d changed her diet and the diet of her family entirely. But hell, even before then, she had thought mayonnaise was gross and had never really cared for bacon.

“Hmm…well for fun I like to hike, swim, maybe go out with my friends and do whatever. But …when I want to relax, I guess I turn into sort of a shut in…” Alex liked to have fun, go out and party or be outdoorsy, but a lot of times she just liked to stay at home and play video games or settle down with a book or a movie. “I rent some studio space in a building downtown so if I wasn’t with you I’d probably be out there.” Alex smiled as she thought about one of the first times she had brought Elle down to the studio. One of her neighbors had seen them and offered to let them use his studio to throw some ceramic pots (because, for whatever reason, everyone thinks throwing is like that scene from the movie Ghost. When, in reality, it’s more like clay and frustration everywhere.) It had been a pretty fun date, even though it had ended up with Alex and Elle getting clay all over each other like two kids. Alex still had that little vase Elle had thrown, even though it was lumpy and looked like a 5th grader made it, she kept it, call her sentimental but she enjoyed the reminder from one of their first dates. “It’s pretty neat…my neighbors let me borrow their equipment sometimes. If painting isn’t your thing, maybe we could mess around with the ceramics if you like me enough for a second date.”

The chit chat between them was the usual that people went through on dates. Alex told her about growing up in the Adirondacks of northern New York and getting into a sort of outdoorsy lifestyle out there. Then how she had traded freezing cold mountains for sandy beaches by moving to the much nicer and warmer state of California to get her M.F.A. in painting at the California Institute of the Arts. And then she had just sort of settled down here… (In reality Alex had been planning on moving to Pennsylvania after she had graduated, to be a part of the growing art scene out there and be closer to her family; but after meeting Elle and falling in love with her, she had decided to stay in California.)

Alex asked a bunch of questions to Elle in turn, even though she knew the answers to them, she wanted to keep playing the role of ‘new girlfriend’. She asked Elle about her family, her friends, her hobbies, anything she could think of in order to pass the time in the car. It was a nice indulgence…a good game of pretend. But still, her heart ached. It was evident that Alex was still lost somewhere in her own head even as she carried on polite conversation. She danced around the question of Elle’s profession as though she wasn’t ready to hear the words yet…maybe later, after a little bit of food in her stomach she’d be brave enough to ask.

Oh Elle could hear the screaming voice inside of Alex's head, how much she hated that choice of burger, and it was hilarious to her. She loved to tease her lover, mainly because it brought out the adorable side of Alex, the side she always tried to hide behind her strong side. Rarely did she get to act strong in front of Elle, the redhead had become a pro at making those cute parts of her shine, and often times did so by purposefully poking at Alex's pet peeves, or saying what she knew would have the right effect. Still, it was their 'first date' so she was going to have to be on her best behavior, being herself without using everything she knew about Alex to guide everything, though that wouldn't be altogether possible, some of it was unconscious at this point in their relationship. An example of that was hiking, swimming, and going out. Before she had met Alex, Elle basically sat around by herself all day, working and then locking herself in solitude. While that hadn't changed completely, she had learned to enjoy time out, as long as Alex was with her.

"Oh wow, an artist... Very sexy." She grinned, thinking back to how sexy the passionate and creative side of Alex really was, and how she could spend hours just watching her lover apply her craft. She always seemed happiest when doing art, Elle had never for a second wished Alex did anything else, she wanted to support her, see her happy always. The question recent events had created was whether or not Alex could be happy with her. "Oooo. Well, while art isn't really something I excel at, I would love to come and do some ceramics, that has always looked like so much fun." She giggled, and leaned back her seat a tiny bit, her voice a bit more playful when she spoke again, "Of course I've always wanted someone to paint me... Maybe get a portrait done and hang it above a fireplace or something, you know, classy and all that." She looked over at Alex as a thought came to mind, that she was so much happier than the first time they had met, that she could truly be herself this time around, "And of course, clothing optional. I mean, nude is still tasteful is it not?"

Elle giggled after her ridiculous question and spent the rest of the car ride answering Alex's questions, talking about her family and how much she loved her parents, giving the still sad explanation of how she had some friends but nobody close enough to spend time with, and how her days were generally spent at home lounging around, which really just meant she was fucking lazy. She was though, she would watch TV and read more than go out, and dabbling in games with Alex was more likely than her going out to have a mini-adventure. It was all enough to get them to the restaurant though and before she knew it they were inside and seated, food ordered and nothing left to do but dive in to more serious conversation... It was that time in every first date where trying to get to know the other person was you only option, and anything else would leave open air and awkwardness. Luckily, in preparation, Elle had ordered some wine, knowing Alex would probably bitch since she wasn't supposed to drink with her medication, but it was a light alcohol and she wasn't the one driving. Besides, she was so going to need it.

Alex brightened up at Elle’s reaction when she ‘found out’ that Alex was an artist. Elle had always been supportive, and she loved that about her girlfriend. Even though she knew Elle didn’t have any qualms about her chosen profession, it was still nice to hear ‘Oh wow’ instead of a disappointed ‘Oh…’ followed by an internal monologue that probably went something like ‘Great, a woman with no real job’. Elle had always been a keeper…at least, that was what Alex had believed up until a couple of days ago.

“Yes…nude is very tasteful…” Alex murmured, sounding a little distracted as she did. It was probably because now her mind was focused on the memory of the last time Elle had tried to model for her. –Usually- when Alex saw a model, all she saw were colors and shapes. Models held the same sort of significance to her as a bowl of fruit. However, when she had seen Elle modeling, all she saw was her sexy, nerdy girlfriend that she very much liked to make moan. Absolutely no work had gotten done that day, and she hadn’t asked Elle to model since. Not because she didn’t want her to, but Elle just had a way of distracting the very self-disciplined, passionate young artist.

She was still a little surprised to hear that Elle didn’t have many friends. All of Alex’s friends loved Elle, so she couldn’t imagine her lover not having anyone of her own to hang out with. Though, now that she really thought about it, usually when they went out, it was always to meet up with Alex’s friends from work, college, or the studio. Not that they went out all the time, Alex had partied a lot in college, mostly because her parents were very strict and would never let her do a damn thing. But she’d mellowed out as the years went by. The novelty of getting absolutely obliterated had passed. Though, she still got very competitive with her guy friends, and it usually resulted in either Alex being sober and victorious or so drunk that Elle would have to help her walk because she had drank all the brain cells that knew how to walk into a stupor. Most of her friends were male, and because of that, Alex was into video games. It had started innocently with shooters like Halo and Call of Duty, games that could still be considered ‘cool’ and not ‘dorky. …But then she had progressed further into Nerdom with games like World of Warcraft and League of Legends. Now she was almost as big a dork as Elle. It was good though, it gave them something fun to do together on their nights spent at home.

When they finally pulled up to the restaurant, Alex got out and moved to offer Elle her arm because she was still injured. Once inside they were seated in a nice little booth and ordered their drinks. She shot Elle ‘the look’ when she heard her lover order a bottle of wine. Goddamnit, Elle! But surprisingly, Alex didn’t bitch. No, she didn’t want to fight on their new first date. Though, she would put Elle on the spot as her punishment for doing exactly what Alex had told her not to do. As soon as they were situated with a long gap while they waited for their food, Alex finally took that moment to ask the question that she had been avoiding.

“So…Elle, what do you for work?”

Conversations of art and hobbies were truly lovely, they allowed Elle to relax and it felt more normal and she wanted it to stay that way, almost as much as she wanted to finally get the conversation they both knew was coming to be over with. She took a deep breath, sighing when it finally came up, the question of her work. At first those lies she told people started to rise to the surface. She began to think about her convenient little lie, how she worked for a software company programming code all day, exhausting work but it paid well. The words she had learned in order to make it sound believable, and everything else she had fabricated in order to make the lie a little more real. This time was different though and it should have been that way in the first place, but Elle hadn't been confident enough in herself to tell the truth, even when she had loved her job. Oh damn, this was seriously the most difficult thing sh could imagine, and she took a moment, even sipping her wine just to buy herself a little more time, anything to give her a moment to phrase what all she had to say.

In the end none of that mattered, she just had to go for it, that was what Alex wanted anyways and she needed to be honest and thorough, no lies and no holding back. "Heh... Well... This is where things usually go downhill for me." She laughed nervously, as genuinely nervous as she would have been on the real first date. "I work in the porn industry... I'm a pornstar..." She flinched just saying it, because really she hadn't told anyone new that in a very long time, and it was never easy. "I do a good deal of different scenes... All lesbian but varying in the nature of the scenes... Though they are generally soft scenes..." She took a deep breath, chuckling nervously before locking eyes with Alex again. "So, uhm... Heh... I usually don't share that, people tend to judge harshly one way or another, but there it is. I make good money and it can be interesting work. I've been doing it since I was young, I moved out here because I was interested in the business." She took another sip of wine, trying to think of what to tell Alex, what her lover wanted to know and of everything she should have said when they first met, though at that time nothing seemed like it would last so it didn't matter.

"My parents are the main reason I've done well though. They supported me despite my... Less than ordinary career choice, and it has been hard work but it's all I know at this point." She shook her head, trying to loosen herself up, though not too hard, she was careful of her injury. Then she looked up at Alex, part of her wanting to make the situation lighter, and perhaps just get a little tit for tat. She didn't change the topic though, no matter how much she wanted to. No, Elle just looked at Alex, giving it a moment to sink in, though she had already figured it out, and then asking the question she had been wanting an answer to since they first met, but one she had never been able to ask before. "What do you think Alex? Can you bring yourself to love someone like me? I mean, it may sound like a stupid question, but I've been with a good deal of women who acted like they could handle dating me, and not a single one of them could deal with it in the end... They either broke my heart or simply ran before anything happened... Are you different?" A begging tone, pleading for Alex to say yes, that she could handle it, or at the very least for her to just ask some damn questions and keep the conversation going. She needed it to be alight, and while it may not be their first date, it was the first time everything had been out in the open, the first time Elle had opened her job up to the woman she loved.

Alex was quiet, not wanting to interrupt Elle as she tried to think of what she was going to say. From experience she knew that students took about 30 seconds to formulate an adequate answer. So Alex just sat there, sipping at her wine and counting to 30, which is a long fucking time when no one is saying anything. …27…28…29… But finally, it was out there. Elle was a pornstar. “Hey, I’m not here to judge you.” Alex interrupted softly. And she meant it. Alex tried not to judge, it was hard to not formulate opinions on other people, but she really did give her best shot to not do so. Hell, if people judged Alex on what she looked like and what she did as a living, she’d probably only date women fresh out of prison and hang out with potheads.

And the job wasn’t that bad, right? Elle was getting paid to make adult films in hopefully a safe and clean environment. It wasn’t like she was turning tricks in L.A. Her parents know…her parents are supportive… Alex had never met Elle’s parents, but she had to assume they were nice, rational people if she were left to only judge from the stories Elle told her of them and the bits of phone calls she overheard. If the two people that had raised the wonderful woman infront of her were accepting of Elle’s chosen profession, couldn’t she be as well?

“I’d like to think that I’m different…” Alex said after a moment of thought. Maybe a younger Alex would’ve said ‘Yeah sure, fuck it, whatever.’ and just ride this whole thing out for no other reason other than that Elle was charming and if it didn’t pan out at least it would be some fun. But she didn’t want that sort of relationship anymore, Alex was at a point in her life where she was looking for someone to settle down with, someone to come home to every night.

“But I gotta say, Elle, I’m sort of a one woman kind of girl, you know?” She looked at her lover’s pleading eyes and they absolutely broke her heart. THIS ISN’T FUCKING FAIR!! Gah…why did she suggest this first date thing in the first place?! She was supposed to be mad, not falling for puppy dog eyes… “I’m really loyal, I don’t do ‘open’ relationships or whatever. So…I guess I have to ask, if we do keep dating, where does that leave me? I mean, at the end of the day, you sleep with other women for a living, it may just be your job, but it’s really intimate you know? So what’s to stop you from just wanting to run off with one of them?” She was trying to separate love and sex in her mind, but for Alex, the two things sort of went hand in hand. She’d had a one night stand once and it had been the most miserable night and day after later. Alex didn’t sleep with anyone who’s personality she didn’t like so for her, sex meant something. But to Elle… well, it seemed to mean markedly less and Alex wasn't quite sure she could be with that kind of person.