The Devil You Know: Inside the mind of BlisteredBlood

Sunday Morning,
May 19th, 2013

So. I found out a few days ago that apparently my mother was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. Chronic-stage Hepatitis C at that.

Heh. Great. Add that onto the mounting piles of shit that's come her way over the years. I suppose that would also take into account as to why I haven't been around for a few days, mainly because I've been mulling this over and all it's been doing was driving me even more crazy.

On the flip side of this, she's a tough old gal. She's been through a lot herself and I know she can beat this. Call it foolish optimism or whatever you want, but I know she'll be fine. If worse comes to worse, I talked to her one night about what I could do to help and I of course offered her my own liver to her. Why? Because after all of the sacrifices she made for us over the years, its only fair that someone had to return the favor. And trust me, as someone who also sacrificed plenty over the years also, one more - especially on this scale - wouldn't hurt. Whenever I pawned my TV, my PS2, my laptop, anything like that, I never wanted a red cent out of any of the money that was given back, simply because it wouldn't do me any good. That it was blood money or whatever arbitrary excuse I had to refuse any money she attempted to give me.

All I can do now as of this moment is just try and keep my faith, my sanity and my own physical well-being strong... And if I can't make myself happy however I can, I feel I can at least try and put a smile on someone else's face... Somehow...

I'm sorry if this seemed a bit short or whatever, it's just that hearing this news really knocked the wind out of my sails. I just need a little while to think things over, folks. It's all I ask.

Just as you are lucky to have your mother, your mother is lucky to have you. Honestly, warms my heart to see such bonds between mother and son like that. No matter what nonsense comes your way, you have each other.... makes me strive ever harder to achieve such a bond between myself and my son. And with my daughter too. It's quite inspirational. My thoughts are also with you as they always are. *many hugs* <333333333

Tuesday Late Night,
September 3rd, 2013

Well folks. I know that it's been a while since I've been around here, but now, I feel as though I need to address something.

In light of some rather unpleasant events such as the internet having been shut off by my reprehensible father - you guys probably have heard me talk about him quite a bit - my mother now having to do chemotherapy because of the fact she has cirrohsis from her Hep C, the electric shut off and quite a lot more...

I think now is the right time for me to explain something.

As of this post, I will be inactive for an unspecified amount of time. It could take weeks for me to return, maybe months or maybe upwards to a year. I'm not sure. I might not even be back at all. The one thing I can tell you is that there has been a lot of things that has happened that I honestly don't even feel like talking about because if I do, it'll either get me angry or miserable and I don't want to put you through that.

I hope this post reaches you all in good spirits and I hope you'll all understand why I need to do this. I thank you for your time in reading this and I bid you all adieu.

*hugs BB*
I hope you do come back. I'll miss seeing your posts on here. Keep in touch regardless though.

Saturday Early Morning,
May 31st, 2014

You know that old saying of "a lot can change in a year"? Welp, I'll be the first to say that jack shit has happened. It's been more the same shit day in and day out for the past... Eight or nine months. Had to think on that one.

That and also turning another year older doesn't really help matters, either. Still, I thank you DA for the birthday wishes. I appreciate it very much.

I suppose now you all want to know as to why I'm here and posting in this little old journal again. You're probably thinking that just because of this post, you might think I've decided to come walking right in, epic fanfare announcing my return, confetti flying everywhere and look as though I just got back from Hawaii.

Well, I hate to burst that bubble for you guys, but unfortunately, this is not the case. Truth be told, it has been an outright chore just to get out of bed sometimes. And it doesn't even matter as to what part of my body it is. Could be my head, my neck - fucked it up a bit over the course of the winter due to me slipping on some ice and hit it on this concrete boot that keeps cars from moving, but was lucky I didn't break it - my back, my knees, or even my feet. Of course, there was also that one matter where I had to deal with pink eye a couple of times which fucked up my eyesight mostly in my right eye. I'm doing okay with that now, but there has been times when it's just a pain just to see what it is I'm even doing on the screen.

Another matter that came up recently was the fact that I had suffered a major health scare in the form of a panic attack back in March. Odd thing is, I knew something was wrong at one point and I thought that maybe if I just sat near an open window somewhere with the breeze coming in and all, I would be fine. Fat chance of that happening.

It was really scary, I'll admit. My vision had turned gray and was fading out. Everything sounded like it was really far off. My heart reat must've been clocking in at about 200 BPM. Everything was just over 9000 shades of fucked up. It took the better part of about ten minutes for me to finally snap out of it, but for me to have finally shaken it off took me a long while. As for how I am now, I suppose I’m doing okay. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but I think now is the time for me to see a slew of doctors to see what in fuck’s name is up with me. A psychiatrist, an orthopedic, an optometrist, maybe even a neurologist. I don’t know. Main thing is that I think now is the right time for me to start taking the initiative and figuring what steps I need to take and in what direction I need to go before something does something it shouldn’t.

I just know one thing, folks. Something hasn’t been right with me for the longest time, but whatever. Let’s get to my thought for the day or night, depending on where you are in the world.

On May 30th, I learned that after my mom came back from an eye doctor, she told me that she was legally blind in her left eye and that there were three cataracts in it. This is due to the fact that her diabetes has been a little out of whack. Sometimes it’s been high. Sometimes it’s been really high. And sometimes it’s been low. Other times, it’s been dangerously low. Her right eye has 20/80 vision. Plus, there’s the macular degeneration. Combine this with the fact that her Hepatitis C – you can add B now – her now non-functional thyroid, high blood pressure, two new stents in her RCA (that’s right coronary artery, for you anatomy buffs), enlarged and bleeding liver, stomach ulcers, three polyps in her colon – which were removed – and a whole lot more…

Let me just cut to the ending since this is only gonna take up more space. In short, she’s a wreck. An emotional, physical and mental wreck. But still, she’s still hanging in there. For all intents and purposes, I gotta hang in there, too for her sake.

Speaking of hanging in there. Now, you all knew about the fact that she was supposed to go in for her chemo, right? Right? RIGHT? Well, she hasn’t gone in yet. Here’s why. A, her blood sugar was too high. B, there was a scheduling fuck-up. C, the doctors moved to another building. D, more and more hoops she has to jump through. All in all, it’s pretty much a load of horseshit that she has to go through. Now, while I could sit here and rant about why the medical system in this country is so ass-backwards, I’ll leave it up to the rest of you to discuss that at your own leisure. Besides, I ain’t even in enough of a ranting mood for that.

So what does this all mean? Seriously. Take a couple of guesses. If you’re thinking I’m coming back full-time, then here’s a quick news flash for you. Um. No. If that means I’m retiring, here’s another news flash. Ahahaha. No. Am I going to be active at all? At this point, I have no clue. I know you guys missed me and all that, so I figured I’d drop this here to let you all know that I’m still here, but still in an extremely limited capacity. Yeah. Let’s just call it that and call it good.

Anyways, I suppose I’ve rambled on long enough. I’ll see you guys when I can. Who knows, I might even drop into the chat so you guys can talk my ears off about whatever. Just be forewarned. If my connection cuts out on me, then don’t worry. I’ll probably drop in again some other time.

As always, my thoughts are with you and your family, BB. *many hugs* And, as always, it's great seeing you post in here and giving updates. I wish you had some more good stuff to share, but hopefully some good stuff will be just around the corner. Who knows, maybe once you get that doctor's appointment and you start getting some things figured out, you will. I'll keep my fingers crossed for that. *nod nod* Anyway, keep us updated and you know where to find me. And once again, my thoughts are with you. *sends out the positivity* <333

Much appreciated, DA. *hugs back*

And as an extra bonus, I decided to throw into my signature a link that goes towards my Tumblr page and before you ask, I will answer. Yes. I've had the account since November of 2012. Quick thing to note before I head out. Be sure to read the little disclaimer on the sidebar before you decide to commit yourself to press that Follow button. Figured I'd do you all a favor and offer you guys up more accesibility than Microsoft's Tech Support. *rimshot*

Anyways, I'm outta here. Catch you later, peeps.

Friday Morning,
June 13, 2014

Ooooh. A Friday The 13th post. Haven't managed to score me one of those in a while. Just goes to show just how unlucky I am sometimes.

I kid, I kid. Besides, I feel very blessed to be around the people I know, and for them to encourage me to keep going forward and for the fact that I am wanted as much as I am needed. It's about all I can ask for, to be honest.

You know, one thing I can say for certain is that it has been raining like a bastard for a while around here. If I had known that this was what it was going to be like for the entire month of April leading up to now, I would've invested in an umbrella right about now.

And you know, I could complain about it still. I really and truly could. But there is a brighter side to it. When you think about it like this, it keeps some lunatic drivers off of the road, it keeps the local riffraff from getting in your face and asking you for a cigarette and for the fact that it's also good for the plants. But that's just me.

Of course, I remember plenty of times when I had to walk home in the rain. It was a pain in the ass, but at least I had something to listen to while I was on my way back.

So. Onto my thought.

I think I can say that without a shadow of a doubt that memories are the only thing that keeps people going sometimes. Lots of good memories. Sometimes there are some painful ones. Then there are those types of memories where you think to yourself, "What was I on when I did that?" and then there those types of memories where you can just laugh your ass off at over and over again until you puke. Other times, you also have those kinds of memories that you wish you could just make go away. But still, they are a part of your life. Ingrained into your very being and etched into your heart, mind and soul. But the simple fact that you can choose what ones to remember and at what moment - in my honest opinion - sometimes makes us a bit fickle, but it's not that we do this out of habit. It all depends on the situation and in what mindset you're in. Memories can come from anywhere, really. It could be in a song, an old TV show, pictures, artwork, papers, things like that. And of course, I'm talking about things you can touch, read and whatever. You get the picture. Just something tangible.

What sprung from this was the fact that I had looked at an old binder of mine from like ten years ago when I was still in high school, and when I looked at the papers, I saw that these were my old Writing & Communications papers from 2004. And when I looked at the dates on them, I thought to myself, "Holy shit!" Of course, when I looked though them, I had myself a big laugh at one page, where I had made a couple wisecracks about what happened at the Super Bowl a couple months prior to when I was writing in that section and I saw the teacher's remarks of both laughing at my wit, but also telling me it was too much info.

And of course, I also listened to a lot of old recordings on my laptop of various Skype calls of just random nonsense, podcasts I've been in and also a game of Cards Against Humanity where at one point, I had a set of cards that was just absolutely raunchy. It got everyone in the call at that point to burst out laughing until it was revealed who had that combination of cards, though.

And hell, I even head onto YouTube to watch a lot of my older stuff. Sometimes. It's hard to believe I've been on there since - fuck, here I go looking it up now - January 23rd, 2009, which makes it five years. And here on Blue Moon, as I think back to the original forum we were all on at one point, that makes it six years I've been here. Six. Fucking. Years.

And you know something? I still have no regrets of breaking my toe which caused me to be sidelined for the whole summer back in Omaha, Nebraska in 2008. No regrets at all. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. Well, if I can somehow avoid the whole foot hurting related thing. You know?

But the thing I'm getting at is that over the course I've been here, I've had a lot of fun and shit. And I've always had. Sure, it's changed a lot. Whether it's staff, the userbase, whatever. But when I think about it, no matter what's changed, the heart and soul of those few people who decided to step out of the shadows of Darker Roleplay six years ago are still there. Those few rebels who decided to strike out on their own and make it big are still out there amongst us and even if they aren't as active as they've been, they're still there. Somewhere.

I dunno. All this reflecting has kinda made me a bit sentimental. It's kinda funny in a weird way.

But then again, a simple search through my posts would tell you more than I ever could in this wall of text. So in essence, I just wasted your time for nothing.

Midnight,
August 8th, 2014

Welp. It finally took some doing, but my mom is finally on her chemo now. Of course, the bullshit she had to undergo with her doctors wasn't all that needed since she needed it beforehand, but whatever. The main thing is this. They gave her the first big dose of Ribovarin and it kicked her ass for a few days. Of course, her other meds won;t be in until a few weeks from now.

They also mentioned they were wanting to put a port into her liver directly if her veins aren't up to par. So there's that.

You know how I said that I was dreading this sort of thing some time ago? I still am. But, I know for a fact that I'm gonna be there to help her out and take care of her. She's got a LONG six months ahead of her with this stuff they got her on.

Though oddly enough, my mother told me about what happened to my father. He ended up in Detox, mainly from drinking so much whiskey - yeah, you heard right - and wound up shitting himself all over the place. His girlfriend's bed, the couch, everywhere. Of course, he tried to argue with the EMTs, saying he didn't want to go. People, when you're that much in the bag, you can barely even string even two words into a sentence and you're acting belligerent on top of all this, you're potentially a threat to yourself and all those around you. That's not me saying this. That's how these guys are trained if this is how they find you.

And you know something? I talked about this until I was blue in the face. I railed on people like this, I told horror stories about what happens when you're an end stage alcoholic, I even sounded off about it here. So frankly, you all know the story. Or maybe some of you don't know. I dunno. All you do need to know is this. Why should I care about someone who wants to throw lives away over some bullshit excuse? The answer is this. If you want to drown yourself in hard liquor, then hey. Why not do us a favor and throw yourself into traffic? Save yourself the trip to the bar or liquor store, that's for sure. I suppose what I'm saying is this. He made the decision on drinking as heavily as he does and yet while I feel bad that that's my dad doing that, but considering what he's done to me, my brother and my mother? Why should I care as to what he does? He made the decision, as I've said. Now, he can decide freely if this is what he wants to keep on doing for the rest of his days. But if he does continue, the end result will look 100 times worse than any car accident montage you've seen at the DMV. If he can choose the path of recovery, then perhaps he'll set himself on the right path. And to be honest, I want that for him. I really do. But he has to fess up and save himself from himself.

This might sound extremely heartless for me to say people, but considering all that he has done to this family? All that he has said, all that he did? I want him to suffer for it all. In a way, he is. But on the other hand, I want him to suffer more. Which he is. But when is he going to face the music? Probably never.

I just don't know what to do with him now. I've said all I needed to say to him, but yet, there's just so much more for me to tell him more than I can ever say here. He's owed me more than 10 years for it. But then again, I told him what I needed to say last year.

...I don't know these days.

Meh. I think I bored you guys enough for now. You can go on back to your RPs now and ignore this bitchfest of mine.

You're never ignored, BB. Never. *lots of hugs for you* <3

Tuesday Late Night,
August 26th, 2014

You know, I think Jigsaw from the Saw movies had it right. These health insurance companies basically choose who lives or dies, regardless of what it does to peoples' families. They don't care about what lives they destroy. They don't care about the tears in their eyes. They don't care about the anger they cause. They con't care about the suffering that remains afterwards. It's all just a big fucking business while they go about stealing money from the people they cover, or outright terminate their policies or some other burecratic bullshit. He had it right from day one, before he began these little games of his, where he put his victims in these situations to teach them all a valuable life lesson. One they'll never forget until their dying days.

I am just so tired of this fucking state, man. I'm tired of everything that goes on wrong in this place. I'm tired of everything. Tired, tired and even more tired. And you know, I had it right when I said that this very state will rob you blind of everything that you have. This state will destroy everything you hold dear. This state will burn everything you have to the ground, break into your grandmother's coffin and desecrate the corpse, vandalize that old house you used to live in with some crazy ass MS-13 bullshit or whatever, it'll stab a syringe loaded with black tar herion into your arm, it'll rape you, tie you down and make you rewatch you getting raped, it'll do everything and then even more.

So you know what. That tears it. As soon as we're out of this state and somewhere else, I am never looking back here. I am never coming back here. I am never, even if you paid me to come back here, I will NEVER. EVER. EVER. Come back here. This state can go bankrupt for all I fucking care and I will not shed a tear for it. This whole state can rip itself asunder from its own petty infighting, it'll destroy itself from its own corruption, it'll just become nothing more than a charred, blackened husk, smelling of death, brimstone and ashes everywhere. Technically, this place is Mordor, and whoever's in charge will be the next Sauron.

Kind of a freaky thought, now that I realize it.

But yeah, people. Don't give this state anymore of your money. Don't. Don't ever come here. Don't even think about it. Just let it wither away into nothingness.

...I am just so done with everything right now. Just. Fucking. Done.

I think I'm gonna go get some sleep. I'm fucking tired.

Tuesday Evening,
October 21st, 2014

Well. It has been a while since you last saw me, huh? I bet it has.

Rather than give you all a multifaceted story and go into the amount of detail that Sherlock Holmes ejacuate - that's ejaculate and defecate all at the same time, for the uninitiated - I'll just get to the point.

My mother and I got evicted about a month ago. Now of course, my dad's "girlfriend" - *sigh* - was kind enough to take us in. Of course during all of this, my mother also finally got two out of the five chemo meds that she really needs. Of course, the insurance company has been trying to deny her the other three meds she really needs, like the Interferon, the Methatrexate and the... Fuck. What was the other one.

I dunno. All of this Pig Latin is starting to make my head hurt.

Still, it just means that I'm going to be learning quite a fucking lot now that two of her meds are here. The scary thing about it all is that those two meds alone weighed in at an earth shattering $60,000 total that she never had to pay for. And yet, when I looked at those two bottles once, I just stared at them, half expecting them to say something, when they pretty much say all they need to say with what they've done with my mother thus far.

Come to think of it, this whole homeless phase has been a pretty big learning experience too. Of course, the way it all ended up like this was a real big low blow on the landlord's part, since he was kind enough to work with us over the year and change.

Heh. Doesn't matter now. Here we are, in perhaps one of the most difficult spots we've ever been in, but at least there's a silver lining in this cloud. At least these guys have Wifi that I can get online with and not have it shut off on me every goddamn 20 minutes or thereabouts.

All I know is this, people. Once we're back up on our feet once more, I don't think we'll be coming back here anytime soon due to how fucking bullshit this has been.

Ehh. I suppose I'm done for now. I'm tired and I need to get some sleep.

Later.

Tuesday Night,
December 2nd, 2014

You know, I find it strange that we're now at the end of the year when everything leading up to this point has been so riddled with suck for me. I really and truly do. I've been thinking it over so much these past few days that it feels as though that time just slipped on by so quick that it was just today and now, it's tonight.

But then again, I think back to what an old friend of mine once said, that time itself is a delusion. A method of control to keep everyone in line. A means to remind you of how much time you have left in the day. A countdown to the very end of your life.

Or some other inane babble. I dunno, people. I'm just remembering something that he said, so don't quote me on it. But it is odd how the year started. Sure, it got off to a shaky start and declined into a valley of shit, but when I look back on everything as of this moment in time, I think I'll be back on the right road. Might take a little time in getting there, but I think all will be well sooner or later.

Tuesday Morning,
May 5th, 2015

I would like to begin with the following preamble, if I may.

Never in all my years on this earth have I ever wished that murder should be legalized for just one day a year and that would be all that I would ask for if Santa got around to asking me what I wanted for Christmas. Implying, of course if that such an idea or a concept would ever be wished for or would ever happen in the first place. But hey, you never know. Stranger things have happened in this day and age.

So. Remember a while ago when I said that we were staying at my dad's girlfriend's place? Heh. You might as well forget what I said about that prison yard. Either that or potential new members/fans of Maury Povich and/or Jerry Springer as well as a new live set. Frankly, I'm not sure as to which, so you'll have to figure that one out by yourselves. Either way, you'll draw the same conclusion.

But why did I say such awful and mean things, when the people you were living with had done something so nice for you and your mother, you ask.

Well, here is your answer. Because not only the living conditions deteriorating at an alarming rate, but were more illegal drugs coming in and going out of that whole apartment complex than there were in my old hometown. So yes, things were getting potentially more and more unsafe by each and every day. Oh, and also because that 1500 megaton slug of a woman who called herself my dad's girlfriend was as every bit of a drunk as my dad is, plus you can even add a cocaine addiction, too! But you see, my mom had to be her payee, you see. In my opinion, it was more like was tethered to her just so she can continue her bad habits of wasting her money on absolute junk. Junk food, junk TV, just junk everything. And we put up with this as well as my father's drunk bullshit for four long, agonizing months. Then, from February onward, we were eventually staying with this one woman who lived down the hall from her who said that she'd help. HOHOHOHOHOHOBOY was that a big fucking mistake! Get this: She was fucking around with a married guy while her supposed-to-be ex-boyfrirend was in the clink for some... uhhhhhh... what was it? Drug charge or something? I dunno. Don't care.

And her kid. Jesus H. Christ, son of Mary and Joseph, the kid.

I have nothing against you that are moms yourselves, but forgive me if I come across as callous here. But the four-year-old is a walking, talking, nearly 100 pound disaster area that bears a striking resemblance to what happens if the Tasmanian Devil were to ever get his hands on Speed. Not more ten seconds when he comes in the house, it's turned into rubble. But yeah, he's a kid, right? That's normal. Again. Day. After day. After day. AFTER DAY. AFTER FUCKING DAY he would wreck the parlor and here comes the mother bitching up a storm, herself. So? That's normal, too, you say.

Heh. Normal. You say tha as if that's supposed to be some end all, be all thing. Well allow me to retort, if you will

The mother is not only a side chick for some married guy but she will not admit it! She will not even admit to the fact that she's also verbally abusive to her dysfuctional kid AND HERE'S THE BEST PART. THE KID LIED TO HIS FATHER THAT I WAS FUCKING HER. ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS? ISN'T THAT SOMETHING YOU GUYS?

...Yeah. Right. Like I want anything to do with that. No thanks. So after a time, he eventuall gets out of prison and immediately comes looking for her... Despite there's a No Contact order due to him having gotten violent with her a time or two before. So she WILLING broke this by letting him back into her life?

Hey... is any of this confusing you guys? No shame if it is. Trust me. It's hurting my brain the more that I continue to think about it. But yes. For about a few weeks I was getting mean mugged by this fucking gorilla of a human being, I'm trying to not want to stab his eyes with a knife and all that. But here's one more little detail...

At one point, she was looking to have my mom cash a 3000 dollar check... that was stolen from this guy's uncle and forged to have his picture, signature, you got it, it was all there. See, the mother tried to get mine to go cash it.

If you said accessory to commit mail fraud, you're absolutely correct. There's also larceny, forgery, and all that that good shit, too that have anything to do with theft or any of that, and all those carry jail time at a federal prison. Mandatory, no doubt. But my mother backs out of it, wanting no part of it. And because of that, she throws us out.

Truth be told, you guys, there's a part of me that wants her to pay for that wretched, filthy cock juggling thundercunt of a bitch that she was and will forever will be even after she drops dead. The more I think about it even now, with all that's happened to lead up to now with us staying at this one guy's place - not at the same complex, but elsewhere - for a little while... The more that I know that she'll get her comeuppance. Karma, as you have no doubt heard me go about it before is not something that should be crossed if you do cross it. Because it will get you if you do and it will not be pleasant. No, it won't.

But yes. Here you have it. Proof that I am fine, to some extent. Of course, the pain in the ass is that I'm writing this on this guy's PS3, but hey. Whatever works. I miss you guys a lot and hopefully I'll be able to get back here soon. Might take me some time, but that's about all that I have nowadays. Everything else is all just memories of a bygone era or shit like that. Course turning 30 doesn't help either, but hell with it. Thanks for the birthday wishes, DA. It was very nice of you.

Anyways, I might as well get lost for right now. Got a bit of a day ahead of me and stuff. Hopefully I'll catch up with you all before I'm all withered and gray, eh?

Take care and don't do anything I won't.

Saturday Afternoon,
May 25th, 2015

Well, well, well. It just seems as though that we just can't keep ourselves out of trouble, can we? There's never a dull moment in my life and mean that of course with clear and ever present sarcasm with the way things have been going for me as of recently. But, there is some good news to report on, even if it's rolled up into a Herculean-sized, mountainous ball of shit.

But much rather than go into all of the great and gory details of it all, let's just call a spade a spade and say what it is.

The good news: On Mother's Day, my mom received perhaps the best gift of all. Her doctor called her up one day and said that after reviewing the latest round of bloodwork, they saw that there was no trace of the Hep C disease. Now all she's gotta do is just stay in remission for about five years, but I know she'll do that standing on her head since she's the kind of neat freak that would make even geriatric German germophobes grin all too well in earnest.


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CdVTCDdEwI


Try saying that five times fast.

But unfortunately, the good must of course be tempered with the bad. So now, onto the bad news, and no, I don't mean CNN. This is indeed kinda bad, but it's better than what would've been the alternative. The guy we were staying with for the past two months who would've been our landlord for a property he was fixing up in Ye Olde Hometowne of Central Falls said to my mother one fine day that he was having money issues and needed to get his shit together.

So simply put, we're now out here in a homeless shelter that's WAY the fuck down in the fucking boonies of Rhode Island, in a little county seat town of Peace Dale, which is basically a fart's distance from all areas including - but of course not limited to - Galilee, South Kingstown and if you stay on the 66 bus provided you hang in there long enough with all of the collective shitbags going down that way, you may even head for the ferry that's going to Block Island. Yes. THAT far. And if you're looking to get back into the city, then you're gonna have to get that same bus back and sit there in those... I guess you can say they're more cupholders rather than seats for about a solid hour to an hour and a fucking half. Maybe even two, if there's assloads of traffic involving some brainless nitwit who spun out and flipped his Ferrari going 240 miles an hour, clipped a tanker truck full of oil which then jackknifed into three lanes of traffic and then subsequently took out 30 cars, a bus full of children and another delivery truck that was filled with ancient artifacts on their way to the Smithsonian out in Boston.

Main thing is this, people. At least it's better than being out in the streets. But you know, there has been a major quandary that has been on my mind ever since this whole saga of ours began back in October of 2014. Aside from some people helping out in bringing our stuff which is now sitting in a 5 x 7 x 9 storage unit in a U-Haul out in Pawtucket, of which is being paid for my father who's now seen the error of his ways and ended up in a sober house himself - thankfully - and has remained clean for a while, is that despite all of this... There has not been one member of our family that has extended a hand out to help us. Nothing from my cousins. Nothing from my uncles. Nothing from my aunts. True, my brother - who recently got back into town himself after getting thrown to the wolves because of a shitbag of a mother-in-law who also threw out a kitten that belonged to my brother lock, stock and barrel - is in dire straits himself. Thing is, he's got two jobs he's working, so I can't really count on him for help right now since he's got his own issues to deal with. But all in all, there has not been one phone call that I've listened to that has been a familiar voice on the other end of the line.

And somehow, I've come to the conclusion that they've pretty much casted us aside. Plain and fucking simple. But you see, here's the funny thing about all of this. This woman that I know as my mother has been something like a mother to them for roughly about 30 years of their lives for each and every single one of those kids she's raised. And yet, this is the thanks she gets for being the aunt who actually gave a shit about their well-being? Who had to bitchslap one of them because they were going around looking like one of those hookers from the 1980s? Who were going through a massively bad situation themselves? Need I go on?

No, because I think I've sung that jingle for quite some time now, but then again, the melody is still somewhat memorable.

And yet, there's a song that comes to my head now that seemed to echo my thoughts. The Stand (Man Or Machine) by The Protomen.


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnkbJ-H4r5k


Think about it like this when you hear certain lyrics, people. We've essentially given these people everything and more and all we got in return was essentially a slap across the face and an atomic wedgie and melvin all in the same go. If that's not disrespectful, then I don't know what is. This song doesn't COMPLETELY encapsulate everything, but it does speak to me in a certain way that the only real way that people can ever be accountable these days is if they take some goddamn accountability for themselves for once in their fucking lives. In short, what good is helping others who can't help themselves?

That message has pretty much stuck with me for quite some time when I started putting two and two together, folks. Angry as I am with all of them and justifiably so, I still love them. Even if this is their way of returning the favor. So you know something, once this homeless saga comes to a conclusion with epilogue, there is not one thing that any of us is going to want from anyone. Everyone can go fuck themselves with a diseased Bad Dragon dildo for all I care. And anyone who asks us for anything? Pfft. Uh, yeah. Get back to me in about 20 years, pal. Implying I even feel like opening the door to your selfish ass.

Harsh as it may sound people, but this is the Gospel Truth. This has to be about us from this point on in.

Unfortunately, as much as I would like to continue to rant about this subject, I'm coming into a bit of a time crunch since I'm on these library computers that are on three-hour time limits. So hey, this is about as good as you're gonna get for the moment until one, I get back online, two, I get a new laptop since the other one crapped out - or fix it, who knows? - and finally, I get into some semblance of a house of some type.

Anyways, I might as well get going for now. I'll talk to you guys next time. Take it easy, everybody.

I've been following your journal for a while now and I wanted to say that you're a very strong person for going through what you go through.

I know that's not a lot but it's just something that I have wanted to say for a while. I have never been on the streets but I have been close. I have been fortunate enough to find people to stay with even though I may not know them well. I know how much it sucks though to not have a home.

Catch you later and I hope things start going better for you.

Oooooh~ Another stalker! I'm flattered! XD

But to tell you the honest truth, when it comes to how "strong" you say that I am, that's an outright fabrication. To be honest, I've been scared witless, I've lost my temper plenty of times which while has produced no violence - thank God for that - it's come awful fucking close to it and had I been pushed any further, it would've turned into a murder scene real fucking quick.

But you know something? I still don't do it no matter how many times I've just wanted to just bash someone upside the head with a blunt or bladed instrument of some sort. I think it's because of the fact that I don't wanna get that person's blood on me, or probably because I'll end up swinging and missing then knocking myself out on accident in a blind rage. Or hey, they could grab it and try to turn it on me. Then it ends up turning into a struggle, of which I'd probably win and then crack them over the head or something? I dunno.

The main point is, while we're starting to get the ball rolling, it's of course going to take a little bit of time, as I've no doubt outlined in quite a few posts before. How much? Could be as little as a couple of weeks. Could be as long as two months. Maybe even two years. At this point, I have no earthly idea as I have the amount of clarity and clairvoyance as a Magic 8-Ball with only two answers - Yes and No respectively - and oftentimes, it turns up on its side.

So. While we're here, we're only tasked to do our little jobs around the house - not for nothing, but it does have to look respectably nice for any future AA meetings that turn up in there - and of course keep our noses clean. Figuratively and literally.

But by Sister Teresa's wrinkled asscrack is it ever hard. Between a brown-noser bitch that's up your ass and in your face all the goddamn time, one guy who would rather snitch out every last human being on the earth to get his way while at the same time try to egg you on, it just seems as though we're pretty much stuck between a rock and a hard place! And sometimes? The staff as I've heard it said can be a pain in the ass, too. Either they carry an attitude into the place or they're too dumb to even breathe. Frankly, I'm not sure which.

Friday Morning,
May 29th, 2015

You know, one of my favorite things to do is to sit down with a good book to read. And truth be told, I've grabbed four books since I've been sitting here at this library out here in Peace Dale. All of which has been from one of the many different radio personalities I used to listen to quite a lot of back in Omaha, this in the form of Michael Savage. Yeah, I know some of you might fart at this, but believe this or not, he's written three thrillers that I've finished one of and just got started on the second one. Gotta admit it, it's quite the page turner, even if you don't agree with a lot of his stances on things. Though I find it laughable that any of his material would even be allowed in libraries, much less sitting in any of the shelves.

Changing gears for a moment, however... I suppose you're wanting to know what's been going on. All I can say really is not much. Still at the shelter over here, been keeping myself occupied the only way I know how and pretty much just... I dunno. I guess you can say relaxing to some regard. Sure, it's been taken as a day-by-day thing, but at least me and my mother still got our health to some regard, even if we don't have all our stuff with us.

We've been there for about... Hmmmm... About two weeks. Though some of the people there are a little bit on the stupid side. I'd go into details about it, but let's just say that there's a couple people who I'd love nothing more than to punch in the throat and call it a day mainly because of the fact that they are not only really intrusive, but also really annoying and have the charisma of a hooded python.

Fortunately, I've surrounded myself with good people to associate with so I don't want to do the aforementioned punching of throats. Yeah. A lot of which are younger and older than me, but at least I can get along with people and not look like a goddamn snake.

I guess I don't have really much to say other than the fact that it's really just a matter of time at this point in time. Just a matter of time.

Side note before I go, though. It's good to have another stalker on my journal~ I feel oh so loved...

...If not somewhat concerned. How the hell did this thing even get this many views anyway?

Monday Afternoon,
June 1st, 2015

Shit. Half way through the year already, huh? Time sure is flying by these days.

But yeah, onto a little bit of a thought.

There has been quite a number of people that have decided to get their own lives in gear - all of which I'm very happy to say they are doing better now - but then there are some that have left that didn't exactly meet the criteria of how they should conduct themselves, and then there were some that decided to just throw it all away all for a few minutes of selfish pleasure.

Such a sad shame, really. Some of them had everything going for them. And then they decided to just fling it all into the wind and say fuck all.

Case in point: This one guy I was mentoring for about two weeks - which is the cutoff date anyway - did just that. You know, in one way, I felt terrible since this was the same guy I was responsible for showing the ropes around the shelter and let him know what was up. In turn, we eventually became friends, we sat around and bullshitted every once in a while and then, there was one day after we went around sprucing the place up and beautifying everything that he went out for all day and didn't come back until... About 7:00pm. Plus, he didn't call. One of the house managers came in and said that he needed to talk to him anyway. Little did I know that he failed a drug test and was then kicked out of the shelter. Didn't know what it was, so don't ask.

In a fleeting moment, I felt terrible that that happened to him. But when I think about it now, he should've known better than to throw everything he had away just to get loaded on whatever it was.

But you know, shockingly, this doesn't make me feel any better because of the fact that I was his mentor. Despite it was for two weeks. Still, I am rather pissed off that that happened.

You can see the connection here.

Now, here comes the kicker. He's about... 45, while I'm 30. Right? You with me so far? But he was the one that disappeared and got fucked up. I don't think I need to say anymore than that.

And then, I saw a snippet of something in Trygon's journal that caught my attention.

Trygon said:

I don't think I ask too much of someone for the title of 'Friend'. Be as honest as you're able, don't screw anyone without reason, and kick in what you can, so everyone can move forward.

Click to expand...

Then, it all comes back full circle to something that I've said many times before about anyone who chooses to throw their lives away all because they want to do whatever they want and fuck the consequences. And then, there's that damn song from the Protomen that keeps popping up into my head again that seals the deal, especially with the line of "There are no heroes left in Man". Again, it doesn't encompass the whole thing, but it does speak volumes of what I have thought before.

If they ever think about making me a mentor of anybody ever again, I plan on going hard on the next guy who comes in through there and make for damn certain that gets the fucking picture. I still feel as though I made a mistake on the last one, but I will NOT make the same mistake again. And if he decides to fuck me over, I will drag his ass out onto the street myself and tell him to GTFO. Straight up, man. Of course, I'll be friends with that guy too, but he's gotta earn it.

I dunno. Maybe I've just about had it with people these days. Probably comes with age, I guess. Either that or I'm just bitching for the sake of bitching. Something.

Burp.

Anyways, I suppose I might as well skedaddle on outta here for now. Take it easy, folks.

Wednesday Morning,
June 3rd, 2015

I feel as though that I should make a retraction to the post I made made on the first of the month, but the original point still stands. As it turns out, the guy I had mentioned of in that post wasn't thrown out all because of a failed drug test. He had gotten into an argument with a staff member and was then thrown out. So yeah. Slight correction there. Oddly enough, it still played into a bit of a suspicion that I had about one certain staff member, whether or not that the staff is a mixture of incompetent jackasses who would rather just let shit fall by the wayside or have a major attitude problem that rivals the floods in Texas.

And no, that wasn't meant for a joke. My apologies if it was. Still, some people are just fucking stupid these days or they take their jobs way too fucking seriously.

Now that I made the proper adjustment that I should've but wasn't able to do so, on with the fucking show.

So now. What's been rattling in the old think tank this time, huh? Throw a dart, because even I have no idea. Aside from the fact that I was supposed to go to this doctor's appointment I had scheduled yesterday, but apparently, I got a phone call from the place where I go and got told that he wasn't able to make it in. My guess is that he probably got hit with the flash flood inducing amount of rain that came here. Not sure, but that's my guess. Then, the day before that, I got a call from my primary physician who had to cancel that one. Both were rescheduled, of course. Kinda odd that it happened one day after the other, though.

And you know something, folks? I recently looked back at my registered date that I joined this site on - of this version of the site, anyway - and I've noticed that back in January of 2009, I've been six years. Counting the original date - which was back in... November? - that I even came into being for this site? That's seven.

Soon to be, anyway.

If I can just ask myself a question, if I may? Dude. You've been here since you were 23. And this is all that you've got to show for it? And you know something, I would answer thusly. Fuck yes, I'm proud to have been a part of this little experiment that was called, "Getting The Fuck Away From Darker Roleplay". And why, would you ask?

Uh, how about the fact that one nameless admin there was a complete and total fuckwit moron, the staff changes were giving me a near epileptic fit, and sadly, the userbase there was just... Good fucking lord. To say there was some of them that I just wanted to bury a hatchet into their heads for even coming up with even a percentile of the things they were coming up with is an understatement. But still, I hung around, just waiting for an alternative. And then, came the summer of 2008. The very same summer that I had to go ahead and brake my second toe of my left foot and was forced to stay off of it for about three months. That was when prettylykSIN got in touch with me on AIM that... Afternoon it was, I think. And asked me if she could pull me over to a new site that she had built. So naturally, I of course said yes, mainly because I had no idea if DeRP was even going to remain standing for any longer period of time.

Who would've known that it would become the juggernaut that it is now. Can't say that I'm anymore proud than I am, because I knew it would work. Just needed time, is all. Time, effort and plenty of luck. Of course, I kinda miss the days when people could launch a stomping on each other that would look something like a typical /b/ thread on 4chan, but ehh. That's what memories are for.

So yeah. Six years and... Five months, I think? And as I walked through these halls that in some way is like my home away from home, I've seen it change so much into something that was that little experiment into a fully fleshed out monolith that I don't think can be stopped now, unless if for some apparent reason something god-awful happens.

Kinda weird when you start putting things into perspective and you start reflecting on things like this.

And you know something? I still have no regrets to this very day when I did break my toe. Of course, after it was buddy-taped, I attempted to get back into the pool and swim around for only a little bit, but I couldn't really do like half of the things that I used to do in the water.

I guess, in short order, them's the breaks!


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CdVTCDdEwI


HA! I kill myself sometimes.

So. What to do now. I suppose I might as well hang around and see what pops up. You never know.

Friday Afternoon,
June 5th, 2015


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnLAC5AJPuM


I think I may have found me one of my all time favorite VG Remixes with this cover of Lightning Strikes Again which then goes straight into Metal Squad, both coming off of the legendarily brutal as fuck games ever committed to either a Mega Drive or Genesis cartridge, Lightening Force IV. Or Thunder Force 4, if you wanna get all fucking technical about it. The main thing is that this is something you have to experience just once for yourself. The opening guitar solo might remind you of some of a Malmsteen shredfest but without the ego and then...

Boom. It drops you into a Le Mans Prototype car that's already going at full throttle down a quick straightaway at speeds of about 230 mph and keeps that gas pedal floored with no signs of slowing down with Lightning Strikes Again to start off. When it goes into Metal Squad, all bets are off. It just keeps up with the blistering, searing, sonic assault with resounding authority until you are begging for mercy which rounds out the whole affair. Wimps need not apply!

Now that I got that whole music schtick outta my system, on with the show.

So now... What to talk about now.

Couple folks have left the shelter. Some of them were assholes, anyway. One of them was a good friend. We got some FNG's in there, but hey. It's pretty much more of the same. As I outlined before, some of the staff have been either bullshittingly asinine with their attitudes towards the rest of us, not realizing where it was they came from themselves, or they're flat out stupid as shit. But it's whatever, y'know? I know me and my mother can't be doing this shit forever. And besides, you only get 30 days up to 90 days to stay here, do your thing and then move on with your lives where hopefully, you can get your life back in order and reenter society.

Of course, it's a trying process, since my mother's been kinda stressing out as of recently, so yeah, I kinda need to keep my eye on her so that she doesn't completely flip out. Kinda difficult territory to go into, but hey. It is what it is.

Hm. Not much to say here. Again. But hey, at least I gave you guys some music to listen to while you're perusing through this little book of mine.

Might as well get going for now. Later!

Monday Afternoon,
June 8th, 2015

Sheesh. Talk about a tonal shift. But when I think about it like this people, it doesn't really surprise me much these days when I would be the one getting the short end of the stick. And now, I hold no one at fault here, but if we can just be a little bit honest here? Just a little bit? Okay.

This has got to be the shittiest end of the short stick I've been dealt. The reason as to being is because of the fact that my mother can stay there at the shelter for another 30 days... But not me. Unless if I can somehow convince a staff member with a letter.

Yeah. Let's have JonTron say it better than I can in regards to this.


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1B09eIgzIjs


So. If it's not enough that I had to pay my way to get in and work my ass off to keep things nice and tidy, but now, I HAVE TO CONVINCE SOMEONE OF WHY I SHOULD STICK AROUND FOR ANOTHER 30 DAYS?!? Like it's bad enough that not only do I have no-fucking-where to go, but nobody in my own goddamn family wants a fucking thing to do with me or my mother, Heaven For-fucking-bid they should help! True, they did when we got tossed out and then put everything up in that storage place I talked about in an earlier post, but that was it. Nothing more. No phone calls. No how-are-you's on Facebook - then again, I rarely pop into there, anyway - nothing!

But hey. I understand clearly that we all got lives to live, we all have fancy cars to go drive around in, we have a house and 2.5 kids to take care of and all that shit, but a little bit of communication would be fucking nice every once in a fucking while.

Wednesday Morning,
June 10th, 2015

I sat down with my mother this morning when she told me something that I seemed to have forgotten about, or maybe it just slipped my mind up until now. Today marks the 15th year that my grandmother passed away, and on the 12th and 13th, marked 15 years since I was at the wake and funeral.

Huh. Fifteen years. Somehow, it still feels like yesterday. It was about 3:00 after I had got home from school... I was in my room, had the Genesis on, I think I was playing Road Rash 3 or something... When ma came home, nearly bawling her eyes out at around 5:00 that evening, that was when she said that she had passed on.

Of course, she did say that I would be one of the pallbearers, along with my brother. I didn't want to do it, but that was how it had to be. Hell, my brother didn't want to either, but that was how it went.

The wake was, in a word or two, very quaint. I was home from school that day because we were getting everything ready for that. Of course, I could still see that my mother was a complete and total wreck. To say that she was more high strung than a Gibson Les Paul was only a major understatement.

Then the funeral. The day where we said goodbye to her.

It was the longest four, maybe five days that I've ever gone through. Maybe even longer, since one of my cousins died about two weeks before. Or was it in March?

Anyway. Long story short, my mother was a mess, I was a mess, my brother was a mess, while my dad at the time just wasn't there. Of course, he had to go and just get drunk, and there was that time when he said to her, "How does it feel to be a member of the My Mother's Dead Club," the same comment that sealed the deal on us leaving that December to go to Kansas. From there, in January, that was when I would go to school at Lawrence Free State High and eventually graduate there - ranked 35th out of 400+ students - I mean, I wasn't exactly the brightest of all the students there, but yeah.

Thinking about it all now... If my Memere - or grandmother for those of you who don't understand Canuck-French - had been around to see us in the shape we were in, not only would she demand us to go and see her, but she would also ask us, "What in the fuck's wrong with you?" Not in a callous manner, mind you. But just, you know, as a general inquiry. As someone who actually gave more than half of a fuck. She was a sweet old lady. Someone who gave you advice on what to do, where to go, yaddy-yaddy-yadda, and she also snuck me a killer crabmeat sandwich whenever I came around. Speaking of which, whenever I saw her out in the hallway of this old folks' home out on Washington Street back in Ye Olde Hometown of Central Falls, I would always dash out of my mom's hand to go and see her. Of course, my mother would always bitch about it, but she knew she meant well. She didn't eat it, anyway. And that was when I had developed my palette for fish.

To think that that's all gone now for the past fifteen years, it just kinda blows my mind a little. And now, here I am. 30 years old. Taking care of my mom as best as I can. Trying not to flip my shit also. But yet, we're homeless, no one gives a shit about us, save for maybe the few friends we have and all that other shit, you know?

...Damn dust in my eyes. No, maybe it's an allergy I have. Somefuckingthing.

Sorry if this got a little sentimental folks, but it's just something that I felt like talking about for a little while and all that.

But yeah. 15 years. And still, I wonder what she could possibly be doing up there in Heaven. More than likely, she's still playing Bingo up there with everybody. Wonder if my cat Ooglie's up in her lap, being the knuckleheaded mushball that he is. More than likely, he is.

...I think I might as well cut this off. Kinda... need a moment.

Thursday Morning,
June 11th, 2015

My apologies for that last post. That was... Kinda hard for me to write about stuff in my past. A lot of which I try not to think about, but when something like that happens, it kinda makes you reflect on a lotta things and ponder about where you are now in your current life, y'know what I'm sayin'?

Anyways, what's going on today. Well, one of the girls from the homeless shelter had a guy call in, looking for someone to install these 5000 BTU (British Thermal Unit) air conditioners somewhere, and she thought of me asking if I could do it. So naturally, I of course answered, yeah sure! Why not? It'll get me outta the house for a while and do something else to spice up my day a bit instead of going to the library like I usually do, sit here on my ass and do whatever. So the guy pulls up after a while in a black SUV - was told there was a truck coming, but they weren't specific, but whatever - and we introduced ourselves, got picked up and we first headed over to a Bess Eaton in town to get a coffee and a tea, then we moved on down to this storage unit where we then got these small ACs in the corner. Had to move some shit around beforehand, so yeah. After that, we loaded up the ACs into the truck, and he told me I would be making about 10 bucks an hour doing this. Of course, he had me do a few other odd jobs once we got them installed. I mean, I understand there's a certain way to do things, but I figured he might as well get them in and call it a day. At least, that was what I thought.

Somehow, though, in the middle of installing these things, I somehow split my right pinky finger! Odd thing was, I didn't feel anything at first. But when I was putting the first one in, I felt a little stinging sensation in my finger and I looked at it right quick and saw there was a splatter of blood all over it from a cut! Funny thing, I didn't even realize it until I said, "Whoa!"

So the guy I was working with looks at me, wondering what was that about and I told him what happened, so I figured I might as well get some soap and warm water on it, got it all bandaged up and went right on from there.

Once everything was all said and done, I got a nice 20 dollar bill out of it. It ain't much, but hey. You get what you paid for from the odd job man. On top of that, it counts towards my Community Service hours! (Not what you're thinking, but it's KIND of like that.)

Damn. That's a song I haven't heard in forever. Should probably go and listen to that later on.

I dunno what to think about this, guys, but to be honest, somehow I got a good feeling about this. Pretty soon, we should be up and running again. Don't know why, but as far as I know, it really is a matter of time right about now.

And that's all that really matters, you know?

Ahh, but you've heard me ramble on long enough. You guys go on back to your regularly scheduled RPs and stuffs. I'll bore you with another story later on. Take it easy, peeps.

Wednesday Late Afternoon,
June 17th, 2015

Bit of an oddity happened to me last night at around dinner time, which was Chinese food. I looked at this one fortune cookie and thought to myself at the time, maybe it'll be something that I can readily make fun of and just have a little laugh with everyone there.

Sadly, it wasn't. It was honestly one of the most profound things that I ever saw. What it said on that little strip of paper was this.

"You are almost there."

...When I saw that, I just stared at it for a while and thought about it. Thought about it real hard. I mean, I know these things are all commonplace and shit and they pretty much say the same thing over and over and whatever, but somehow, those four words meant something to me in regards to this whole situation.

I am almost there. The ball has begun to roll. And once everything is in order, I can do whatever it is I need to do in order to make myself feel happy. It'll also put a smile back on my mom's face, too. For too long now, I've looked over to her and time after time, I see her nearly putting her face in her hands, halfway ready to cry most times. To be honest, I'm getting sick and tired of seeing her miserable. If it means I have to break myself in half, then you know something, I will have no qualms about doing so in order to - pardon the corny metaphor - turn that frown upside down.

What also made this moment more profound was when I looked at her fortune. It said, "You are the guiding light to his existence." She got that and looked at me straight on when she saw it and pushed it in front of me for me to read and at that point, I just sat there and continued to think.

Well, that's what I do. I think about a lotta shit these days. It happens alot when I'm not planning on murdering the next asshole who even looks at me with a set of DERP eyes and speaks in broken English that isn't either Japanese, Spanish or Russian.

Combine this with all the shit I've written about time and time again. These past - almost seven - years, you basically seen one angry, unfocused but determined individual who is not afraid to do what was necessary and sacrifice everything that he could touch, feel, smell and see in order to get ahead mainly because of the fact that he was far too afraid to see what was coming. And if it didn't matter to him, he simply shook his head and said, "Not my problem" all while telling you about his problems. And why? Because he finally admitted that he was human, just like all of you that are here reading this right here and right now.

Yes. I am indeed human. I maybe have made plenty of fucking mistakes in my life, but there is one thing that I know I can do. I make up for them as best as I can and try to remove the bloody umber stain of my mishap so that way it'll never happen again. Truth is, it's still there. It's still fresh in people's minds. So, I choose to live with it instead, knowing full well of what I did.

Weird how I can gather all of that just from my own posts.