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Commentarius absentiae

Halaster

Nobody
Supporter
Joined
Apr 3, 2012
Location
Canada
A new journal. Why? Because the old one... Well, the old one, near the end, was one in which I only wrote for one person, as much as I tried to pretend not to. But with that person gone... I can't write 'for' her anymore.

Not to say that I didn't appreciate the comments here and there by the others, but it had become my 'main' reason for it.

So this is an actual journal. A journal where I will write things about my life, a bit like I used to. Because, why not?

So, here we go.

Been having major insomnia lately, feeling a mix between 'exhausted' and 'tired' nearly all the time. Trying to work on fixing that by giving myself a strict sleep schedule, no more naps during the day, and tonight, I'm going to sleep at 10pm or so. My insomnia was literally so bad that I went to the hospital for it... They gave me some pills, but those pills are kind of 'meh' as far as their effect goes. I assume that they help me to fall asleep, but they don't help me to 'stay' asleep.

I got what I assume to be 5 hours of sleep tonight. Regardless of how tired I am today, I'm staying up until 10pm or so, then going to sleep. if I can keep doing that, things will go back to normal, right? I had/have reached a point where sleep is such a source of stress and anxiety that I feel my inability to sleep properly is a vicious cyle. Fuck up sleep -> Get anxious about being able to sleep -> Fuck up sleep further -> Get more anxious -> OH GOD CAN'T SLEEEEEP *Stresses out*

... Yeah.

In other news... I know that this is no more a journal for 'her' but I'm starting to handle the feeling of loss at her not being there better than I was. At least, I don't feel that deep, sinking feeling in my chest every time I see the slightest thing that reminds me of her. Although there will always be a bit of a sink, just not a deep, crippling one. I miss her though, I miss her dearly. Before she left, I asked her if she could write me physical letters... She said it might be difficult, but that she'd try. I'm clinging to that hope, I want a letter, any letter. It would bring such joy to my life... So I'm holding onto it.

So, something else! I recently played and completed the entirety of Bioshock Infinite in 1999 mode (the game's 'super hard' mode), as well as getting all of the achievements. Quite a good game, but thinking back on it, I think I preferred the original Bioshock for the impact it had on me. The story wasn't as 'deep' (although some people would use 'pretentious' when referring to the Infinite ending, but screw them) but the impact it made on me seemed... Deeper, especially the scene with Andrew Ryan, you know the one. Technically standing though, and gameplay wise, Bioshock Infinite is a far better game, but impact wise, it failed just short of the original. I'd still give the bugger a 10/10 though, I had a blast with the game.

Life marches on. In September, I want to see about returning to school. I plan to go part time, hell, only at night... But having a high school diploma would definitely be a good thing. Then I might just lie on my resume (the actual thing would be way too empty for my age) and try to find a job, I'm thinking I'd do any job at this point. Except maybe McDonalds... I feel that working at McDonalds is a mentally demeaning job for some reason, I just can't stand it. Preferably, I don't want something that requires 'hard labor' like lifting heavy shit and the like, but I know I'm most likely not getting something that'll allow me to sit on my ass all day. We'll see.
 
I've been having health issues lately. When I go to sleep, I start shaking... Sometimes before I even fall asleep, sometimes right after I fall asleep (which wakes me up)

I've already consulted with a health professional twice, and got given two different type of drugs. One of them seems relatively effective, but apparently can create a dependance. Hm.

To help matters, I've started exercising again and intend to do so regularly from now on, I've even rearranged my room to allow for that, and have subscribed to netflix once more so I can watch movies while running on my treadmill. Fun fact: For a bit, I considered exercising naked. I then decided against it in favor of 'no pants' but everything else (shirt, underwear, several pairs of socks on top of each other)

My current exercising movie is a 'A thousand words' with Eddie Murphy. I'm only halfway through the movie (45 minutes in) and I have to say, so far, it's kind of bad. I don't particularly enjoy it, the humor is pretty crap, and the premise is not one that they do much with... But we'll see, there's still 45 minutes left tomorrow/today.

So yeah, here's to a hopeful healthy lifestyle that should solve my problems.
 
Wow, I really wrote this at the end of july? Still dealing with the issues from time to time, which is unbelievable... I'm seeing a doctor today for the first time, believe it or not. Although I have been to the hospital several times, but that's not quite the same thing.

I've stopped exercising, I just can't keep it up when my body starts acting up. I feel far too tired... Although, it hasn't been happening as often lately, which is a good thing. I went through a lot of shit and different phases last month, and it was a very unhappy time of my life, both mentally and physically... So here's hoping for improvement, yeah?

I think I can finally return to this site, but I'm going to take it easy for now, I don't want to stress myself out too much... I still think my issues could be related to stress, at least partially.
 
Firstly, it's wonderful seeing you posting and everything and I'm soooo glad to hear you'll be going to an actual doctor. *hugs you* As for everything else... you just take it in steps. And know you have us to support you however we are able. So, here's to those improvements. I know you can achieve them. *more hugs* <333
 
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