Tainted Dreams of a Playful Precious Polymorph Named Yoshie

OMFG I hate this... I hate being broke! I hate having more bills than I do money. Seems like I can't find a job and I can't do anything to make more money. >.< This is getting irritating where as people that DONT want to work that DONT want to do shit with their lives get EVERYTHING and more from both the government and whoever else. What is this? I know life's not fair but damn, I have a degree and I still can't get a damn job? What more do I need to do? FML!

Okay just a reminder I will NOT have internet till like july 2nd because my internet bill is $200 and I dont know if there is a turn on fee..;

Update on Current Situation(s)

Update:

I will not be on for a couple of days... My father just died so all RPing for me is going to stop for a moment. I am currently in North Carolina for the preparations & the Funeral. If anyone needs me message me. But as of right now... I am out of it.

Also Because bills and all are piling up my internet may get cut off so that will be another cross to bear

*hugs and positive thoughts* Now words can express my condolences, Yoshie. Just know that I'm thinking of you and sending as much positivity as I can muster your way during these hard times. You have many here, me included--obviously--who are pulling for you. *more hugs* <33333

Good News and Bad News Update as of 4/4/14​

Good News: Remember the job I had applied for? I work for that gaming company. They Major in an MMO but I can't say any more because I signed an NDA.

Good News: I has foods!!! Now that I have money I can afford food and new stuff! Which leads me to my other good new:

Good News: I have a new computer! With a wonderful graphics card!

...Now as always with the good there is the bad...

Bad News: Because I have a new job I really do not get time off; and with the launch of said new game its even harder to get more time off to which I do not mind working but I barely have enough time for sleep so that means my Role-play time has been cut almost entirely off.

Bad News: Still no child, but more of my friends are popping up Preggers. I don't know how much longer I can shield myself from this hurt.

Now a special section to all my role-play friends. I thank you all; everyone of you went out your way to make sure I was okay and to make sure I was still alive and even found my gmail and messaged me about coming back and role-playing with you all. I missed you all and I love you all and I want to thank you from the bottom of my 25 year old heart. (I missed celebrating my B-day with you all but I thought about you all) I thank you all for the wishes and the concern. Seriously; I thought I was alone until I found you all on this site. You all mean the world to me.

Yoshie said:

Thank you Nate... I was having a terrible day. I randomly have spazz out sessions because my friends that claim they are my friends I can't talk to because they say they have "Problems of their own." So they don't want to be bothered. I am forced to bottle everything in which in case causes me to spazz randomly. Not on anyone... just on myself. I am always angry at myself.

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I can relate to that so fucking well...

Yoshie said:

Bad News: Still no child, but more of my friends are popping up Preggers. I don't know how much longer I can shield myself from this hurt.

Now a special section to all my role-play friends. I thank you all; everyone of you went out your way to make sure I was okay and to make sure I was still alive and even found my gmail and messaged me about coming back and role-playing with you all. I missed you all and I love you all and I want to thank you from the bottom of my 25 year old heart. (I missed celebrating my B-day with you all but I thought about you all) I thank you all for the wishes and the concern. Seriously; I thought I was alone until I found you all on this site. You all mean the world to me.

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don't worry about having a kid until you start drying up, and you should have a couple decades of fertility still in you but seriously, having a child although a big thing isn't something to be overly concerned about in your 20s.

Yoshie, I don't know what it is about you that draws everyone in, when I left roleplaying for several months I never got any messages saying "I miss you" or anything like that but it seems you had a whole library of messages begging you to come back, I think Roleplaying is a deep passion for you and we would all hate to see you go again.

we all hope that you find a good balance in your life where you can work, live, love and roleplay to your heart's content, even if your roleplaying is just done in that time in between other things, like at the end of the day in front of the tv you can fire up a laptop or something and do a few posts in commercials or something like that

anyway, either way it's great to see you back, and we all hope you can find a good balance in your life to do all the things you love, from your job to whatever man (or woman) you have in your life, to roleplaying

Well as of today my boyfriend... well his cousin fell on bad times and is staying with us for a while... and she has 2 kids. *Sigh* now with his child and hers that makes 3 kids... I think this is what hell feels like. To want something so bad and to have it in your face and then none of which are yours. So because there are so many little ones running around he is always tired and I don't get sex. EVER! He claims that oral is still sex... what the shit? Like really? I need penatration and what the shit are you so tired for? You don't have a job, she doesn't have a job and I am the only one paying all the fucking bills. When rent is due it's my issue! When BGE is due its MY issue! When the internet goes off... oh because I have a degree in networking and Security its MY FUCKING ISSUE AND MY PROBLEM TO FIX! And he wonders why I spazz out so much. He wonders why I am so worried all the damn time. Not because I want sex, not because I ask you to take out the trash, or wash dishes cause I am too tired to do it but because this job... I am literally temporary! I am a shell to them and they can dispose of me as they see fit. Then what are you and her going to do. Well her... she can up and leave but you... no you can't help with shit! If I lose this job we are fucked. If I lose this job there is nothing else... this job market sucks and I aint guaranteed a god damn thing!

All I ask of you is to fuck me. That is it! Nothing more nothing less... the reason I can't have babies is because you won't fuck me! God! If I was asexual I would not need your ass I swear. You know I am bitchy when I don't get sex and I am pissed off when I have to masturbate. Why the shit do I have to touch myself when I have you? You that does nothing else.... you that I take care of and you claim I belittle you? Then the simple solution is to DO BETTER! Fucking A! I am not your mother; I am your girlfriend and for christ sake I am wondering to this day why I am...

Now, before anyone starts going in on me as to why I am bitching and fussing at him... its because its been a year and still no job. A year and still no progress. I've held 2 yes 2 jobs and even when he did have a job I barely got a cent because it went to babysitting and weed and other things that are not me! He's not a user he just lets everyone excluding me use him and I am tired of picking up the slack where he fails... all the time at. I am sick and tired of telling him to do something and oh he forgot or oh he was asleep or he is too tired to do it. I am tired too! I am stressed too!

Never get a break! Even when everything at the job is fine my home life is in shambles... and its no ones fault but mine because I cannot say "No"

A jerk like that deserves to be living alone. -hugs- You can do better; there's GOT to be a guy out there willing to be friend/lover/confidant/helpmate.
BTW? YOU have every right to bitch and be bitchy. Seriously.

Well as always the update:

Bad News Bad News and more bad news:

Remember that gaming company I was ,working for? Well I got let go... some bullshit about My scores were too low. The point is the game isn't making that much I know... but now I have to find a new job. Hopefully a more permanent one. I was never late, I was never absent. Dipshits! Fuck them and their product. Just pissed at the moment is all.

Anyway, Because I am out of a job I have no means of paying for the things that I bought with said job. I.e Car and house. So... yeah. I get super depressed because all things come and go I understand this but it seems as though for me I get everything at once and then BAM Its all gone again. What the shit? Like really... there is no ups there are only downs in my life.

Good News: I can probably RP since being in a fantasy world sounds so so much better than being in real life at the moment.

Yoshie said:

~The Dark Side~
​

The hard part of life is understanding... life, love, and yourself. But what if you hate that person? Does that mean you need help?
"When you curse everyday knowing that you'll see her. When you detest her so much you break the fucking mirror. "
"When I curse her every second for even being born, laugh at her misfortune and get enjoyment when she's scorn."
I take pride in her hatred, I envy her pain.
I feed off her sorrow slowly driving her insane.
Her misery is my pleasure. Her pleasure is my hate.
I corrupt her mind. her happiness I take.
Shelter her from the light... the darkness in nice.
Tarnish her innocence. Her heart cold, like Ice
Hiding in the shadows I wait for my time, to molest her self-esteem and rape her pride.
I take joy in her tears... for I am her Dark Side "

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Wow. Yoshi. Stunningly accurate description of my life...
Have you been spying, lol?
If. this was yours also, thank you. I am not alone.

Yoshie said:

Well as always the update:
Bad News Bad News and more bad news:
Remember that gaming company I was ,working for? Well I got let go... some bullshit about My scores were too low. The point is the game isn't making that much I know... but now I have to find a new job. Hopefully a more permanent one. I was never late, I was never absent. Dipshits! Fuck them and their product. Just pissed at the moment is all.
Anyway, Because I am out of a job I have no means of paying for the things that I bought with said job. I.e Car and house. So... yeah. I get super depressed because all things come and go I understand this but it seems as though for me I get everything at once and then BAM Its all gone again. What the shit? Like really... there is no ups there are only downs in my life.
Good News: I can probably RP since being in a fantasy world sounds so so much better than being in real life at the moment.

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I know what you mean on job front. Even those with two good legs are finding it difficult. Now, imagine, through no fault of your own, you get crippled and need a cane and sit-down job... They aren't there.
Really wish you did FxF... I'm always looking... and if you're on Guilty Pleasures, look me up and drop a line. :3. naughtygirl over there.
Hang tough, girl, I definitely feel your pain. I'm living it, too, just without a boyfriend. :3

simpleroleplayer said:

Yoshie said:

Well as always the update:
Bad News Bad News and more bad news:
Remember that gaming company I was ,working for? Well I got let go... some bullshit about My scores were too low. The point is the game isn't making that much I know... but now I have to find a new job. Hopefully a more permanent one. I was never late, I was never absent. Dipshits! Fuck them and their product. Just pissed at the moment is all.
Anyway, Because I am out of a job I have no means of paying for the things that I bought with said job. I.e Car and house. So... yeah. I get super depressed because all things come and go I understand this but it seems as though for me I get everything at once and then BAM Its all gone again. What the shit? Like really... there is no ups there are only downs in my life.
Good News: I can probably RP since being in a fantasy world sounds so so much better than being in real life at the moment.

Click to expand...

I know what you mean on job front. Even those with two good legs are finding it difficult. Now, imagine, through no fault of your own, you get crippled and need a cane and sit-down job... They aren't there.
Really wish you did FxF... I'm always looking... and if you're on Guilty Pleasures, look me up and drop a line. :3. naughtygirl over there.
Hang tough, girl, I definitely feel your pain. I'm living it, too, just without a boyfriend. :3

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All of the poems on this forum that are under my name I've written and thought of myself. They are not works of art... more like Screaming help and no one listens...

I understand how you feel. I myself have a walking problem. I cannot stand for more than 4 hours. I have sickle cell and I am seemingly infertile... so... my life is hell at the moment. Jobless and have no income to even donate to my fav site. Life... this shit is unfair... If someone ...ANYONE would've told me that being an adult was bullshit I would've never grown up I swear!

Here's one for you Simple:
"Everything I've ever written; all the experience I've ever gained has been accomplished and completed only at the extent of pain."

That is my slogan... and remember Simple The Toughest Battle is Fought Within

No one knows how we hurt inside... and they never will... just gotta keep that facade... that fake smile, even though you are dying inside.

Well since I feel comfortable on this site again, and I feel like I've come to the point of letting you all see my face. Mind you I do not like what I see in the mirror so... eh here goes...

Well I have not written in a while. I can't find my writing journal but I guess this will have to do for now at least.

Well as always lets start with the good news. The good news? I took a trip to NC to see one of my best friends and stayed at her house for 2 weeks.

That was it. That was the good news.

I came back home and it was hell. First before I left my house to go on said trip I went through my BF's phone. Yes, I know the saying: Don't go searching for trouble. But I had too. His face stayed in his phone. It would ring all times of the night and the pop of text messages could be heard from 12PM - 2AM. So I wanted to know who was calling and texting so late.

I read one sentence that fucked up my entire night.

Bad News Babe; shes not leaving till next week.

So that would imply that you were gonna bring her over while I was on my vacation! I was livid. I was... hurt. I tried to make my heart go numb just to forget about it. Go back to Warcraft... go RP on Bluemoon... but the words echoed in my head. That tore at my heart strings and rips my hopes and dreams to shreds.

As I continued through his phone apparently there were others who found interest in my BF. So, hes apparently talking to all of Maryland. At that moment in life I wished with all my heart that I didn't love him as I do. That night I packed up all my shit and told him I was leaving. But in my heart of hearts I knew there was no where for me to go. I have no family, no real friends... where was I going to go with a shit ton of bags?

I left for my two week trip. I told him that if I don't return to not come looking for me. Just be with her or them. As long as my heart wasn't broken anymore. I didnt care. As I boarded the train and headed out I felt... free. True freedom. Getting down there; I was greeted with warm smiles and happy faces. I had already explained to my friend what happened. She told me that I could stay with her in NC till I got an apt. I would debate this my entire trip here.

At night when she (my friend) was with her husband and the children were sleep my heart ached. My soul burned and it was the worst emotional pain I felt since I lost my child. I looked around the house. My friend had 2 kids and a newborn child, a three-bedroom home 2 cars and a fiancee that would do anything for her. This is the life I wanted. This is the life I desired more than anything in the world.


"I just want to be happy..."


That is my life goal. I wanted someone who despite the bullshit would be mine. All mine... not mine and someone else's. I don't want to share a man. I don't want to be cheated on. I don't want to be hurt.

The next week I could no longer take it and I skype called him. The moment I saw his face I perked up. I smiled. I legitimately missed him. I was having fun on my trip but I still wanted him. What was wrong with me?


The next few days went past fast honestly but each day I longed to see him more and more. I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder. So, I hurried home because that Friday would be our anniversary of 3 years. Getting home I was welcomed back but I felt... empty. I felt hollow. Getting home to him... We missed each other sure but... things just went back to the way things are.


Will I ever be Happy?

You know what I don't understand? I dont understand how a person can cheat.

What is the point of cheating? You get nothing from it... and all it does it cause problems for your relationship. Why do it. Why waste time with that person just to end it on that note?


If anything I'd prefer you to tell me "Hey look... I'm in love with someone else." And I would understand. I mean it would hurt yes. But it wouldn't hurt as bad as finding out someone cheated on you. It wouldn't hurt as bad as finding your man with another chick. That shit hurts!


So why do it? Why not just end it peacefully? Save the heartache save the pain. Save the drama and the arguments. I think imma make a thread about this and read other peoples opinions about the topic. Yes.

So, This is an update... I am currently in the hospital been in here for a long time. I am updating since I am SO SO SO sorry that I cannot RP at the moment. My friend is typing this as we speak. I have a really bad infection in my kidneys and I am hoping it does not go into my blood stream. Please my RP mates I will try to come back as soon as I can; I love you all dont forget me

Yoshie said:

So, This is an update... I am currently in the hospital been in here for a long time. I am updating since I am SO SO SO sorry that I cannot RP at the moment. My friend is typing this as we speak. I have a really bad infection in my kidneys and I am hoping it does not go into my blood stream. Please my RP mates I will try to come back as soon as I can; I love you all dont forget me

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Don't be sorry, just focus on getting better. We'll be here waiting for you when you get out of the hospital so just focus on your own health at the moment and don't worry about the RPs

I hope you feel better soon!

I hope you get better soon, don't worry, I am sure most of us will be here when you are all better. Focus on getting better and taking care of yourself. Your health is the most important thing. We can wait. I wish you well and a speedy recovery.