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Enter the Wolves Den- AlphaWolfQuin's Journal and Random Rants

AlphaWolfQuin

Pulsar
Joined
Nov 23, 2011
Location
Rhode Island
123y7py.jpg

Everything feels so damn unreal, sometimes my life feels like a nightmare that I can't wake up from and I know there are people out there that are worse off then me by a lot but that doesn't mean I can't have feelings or reach out for help every now and then, does it? I've never been the type of person to really express myself or talk about the things that hurt me or bother me usually when people ask what's wrong they all get the same answer and that's "I'm Fine". Honestly I've used that lie so many times that I'm starting to believe it myself, I know it's odd because of course I'm not always fine but I've just gotten so used to dealing with bullshit and being hurt in one way or another that I guess being fine to me means that I'm still alive and breathing and nothing more most of the time. Of course there are points when I'm happy but being happy doesn't neccessarily mean that someone is fine, does it? I always have this neverending pain, it's not physical, it's not even something that most people could notice if they tried, it's just a pain, a hurt, that's always with me deep down in the depths of my heart and soul, I don't know how to get rid of it if I did I would but unfortunately some scars just never go away and although not all of my scars are visible they're still there in fact I think it's the scars that people can't see that leave the most lasting affects, the ones that stick, the ones that leave memories that haunt you forever, memories you can't shake no matter how hard you try.

The last few months have taken a hell of a toll on me and just too much shit keeps adding up and adding up, it's enough to drive someone insane in fact I'm honestly surprised I've kept relatively calm through all of the bullshit that I've faced. Honestly sometimes I scare myself with how calm I am with certain things that happen I've seen people flip out and try and kill themselves over less I just don't understand how I am so fucking quiet and calm and how I can still manage a fucking smile at points. I lost a good friend a few months ago and I barely cried it was ripping me apart inside and I wanted to cry but something kept me from doing it and he was one of my best fucking friends and I stayed silent through it all. I couldn't even attend his funeral and I still didn't cry and I feel like a fucking asshole for it, inside I was dying but on the outside I just couldn't show any emotion I mean what the fuck is wrong with me? Any normal person would've cried or at least shown some kind of fucking emotion in a situation like that right? I mean I've never really considered myself normal but I would think that I would be capable of crying just like anyone else when something as tragic as losing a good friend happens especially in the way it did. Of course I miss him and it kills me everyday to know that I can't see him or go onto facebook and talk to him about random things that pop into our minds that no one else will listen to. He was too young and left this world way too fucking soon and while we may have had our differences in the end I still considered him one of my best friends and I miss him a lot and yet I still don't cry over it and I don't know why at all.

Now I have to deal with the fact that the one person in my life that I love that isn't blood related family, the parent of my son is going to be ripped from my fucking life. I've been with this person for five fucking years, that's more then most marriages last now a days, we had a kid together and yeah we fight but we love each other something that is hard to find in my opinion and due to some bullshit they are gonna be fucking ripped away from me and their kid. I mean what do I say when my son is looking for them? What can I tell him? How do you tell a small child that their parent isn't coming home? I honestly don't know how to explain this to a little boy who doesn't know any better, who's innocent and didn't do anything wrong but yet he has to suffer along with a lot of other people in this. It makes me sick to know that people are cruel enough to hurt someone this badly out of pure spite and jealousy. The human race fucking sickens me sometimes, not saying all humans are bad but there are some that deserve to be high fived in the face with a fucking chair.

On another note almost all of my friends can care less how I feel I mean I rarely EVER try and talk about what's bothering me and when I do all I get now a days is "I'm busy" or "Wow that sucks" yeah no shit it sucks if I wanted to get that plain ass fucking answer I would tell my father who I know doesn't give a shit. When I reach out to someone who is supposed to be my best friend I kinda expect more then an "Oh that sucks" I mean am I being selfish? I've always been one to help out anyone who needs it and I've sat for hours with some of my friends talking to them and letting them cry on my shoulder when needed and when I need help or a shoulder to cry on everyone's too busy or just doesn't give a shit. I'm starting to feel like the people I talk to online (WHO I'VE NEVER MET IN PERSON!) care more then people I've known personally for years and that's sad in my opinion no offense to anyone I talk to online at all those of you who have took the time to actually ask what's wrong and even listen to me bitch I appreciate the hell out of that. I just think that the people I've known nearly all my life and that I've physically sat there and held them when they were in tears or on the verge of killing themselves would give a little something in return.

OK so I think I've ranted and bitched enough for tonight, hell I don't even care i I get responses to this whole thing I just really needed to empty a few things from my brain because right now it's filled to the brim and if I don't write or vent somehow I will go crazy. This is just a taste of all the bullshit going on in my life and all the mixed fucking emotions I have right now and I just need to let go somehow, some way and even if no one listens at least I got some of it out of my system by writing it down. I feel a lot better now that I did and I promise not all entries I put in here will be as bad just right now going through a lot and have no one to talk to so I have to turn to my computer and a journal to vent. For those who actually took the time to read this and listen to some random person's issues I thank you.​
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Krys Snape's Journal

*hugs you lots and lots and lots*
You know you always got me on the online. <33333333333333
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Krys Snape's Journal

*Hugs back*
Thank you DA you have been really helpful to me through a lot of my problems and I appreciate everything I really do :)
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Krys Snape's Journal

I know what some of that is like. I lost a good friend, someone I really really loved a few months ago and I'm still not over it. It's already been half a year and just talking about him with my roommate made me burst into tears. It really just sucks and there's really nothing else I can use to describe it.

So yeah, you can always talk to me. I know we only ever really say hi in chat and such, but I'm always around, plus we're semi-working out together! That means something. =P So yeah, just hit me up whenever the mood strikes and I'll always answer back.
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Krys Snape's Journal

Thanks Hahvoc same goes for you I'm always willing to listen to anything from anyone I'm just that type of person so don't hesitate to write if you need to vent about anything and I really appreciate the offer I do I really honestly have no one except for the person who is about to be ripped from my life and it sucks real bad....
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Krys Snape's Journal

Alright so as if it weren't bad enough that people are completely fucking up mine and my kid's lives quite a bit but now they want to publicly post stuff on facebook saying nasty things. Really? REALLY? That's so fucking mature it really is and in case you didn't know I'm being sarcastic, it's not mature, it doesn't make you look better or cool (except maybe to the scumbags that you hang around or are related to), It makes you look like a fucking asshole! As if this shit wasn't hard enough I have to sign onto facebook and see some bullshit written about the whole situation. It's bullshit! It's taking every ounce of control I have to keep calm and not flip the fuck out on certain people!
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Krys Snape's Journal

Ugh! That IS fucking bullshit. I seriously want to just smite these people. You've no idea. And I'm hardly a violent person.... =/ *more hugs*
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Krys Snape's Journal

Just goes to show how classless some people are. Classless and low. I swear it will indeed come back at them eventually. And when it does, they'll be sorry. *hughughug*
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Krys Snape's Journal

Karma's a bitch just saying, I'm not gonna do shit except sit and wait patiently for karma to run it's course....
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

So I guess this is it I mean I knew that this day would come eventually but I guess I was in shock and still didn't really believe that this all was happening. I watched as someone I care about and love very dearly just get taken from me and I had no say in it and couldn't do anything about it at all. My heart is pretty much broken and for the first time in a while I'm crying. I'm keeping myself calm in front of the little one so he doesn't see me upset, I don't want him getting upset so I'm doing my best to keep my head up but it's hard knowing that I'm not gonna be able to just roll over at night and be able to grab onto that special someone and hold them just because I want to, I can't talk to them when I feel like it, can't look at their face during the day. Everything still seems a bit unreal but the reality of the situation smacked me in the face today when I watched everything go down and I swear the worse pain in the world is heartbreak.
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

I can only begin to imagine what it's like to be in this situation. I've been in a long distance relationship where I've lived on one coast and my now hubs on the other where I only got to see him every few months (and this was before the internet had all the stuff it does now, so connecting with each other was much harder and wayyy more expensive). We did that for several years and that was very difficult. So yeah... I can only begin to imagine it. Only begin............. as such, my thoughts and everything go out to you here. I'm just disgusted that this is even happening and know that karma will rear its ugly head to those who've done wrong here. Just as I know that you, in the end, will come out stronger, happier and all things better. I know it's going to be hard though. I won't even try to say otherwise because to do so is foolish. I just hope that the hardship you endure goes by swiftly so that the suffering you have to deal with isn't too bad. My thoughts are with you all. And, as I've told you before... I'm here for you. *many hugs*
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

Ahh well I can say I've been working my ass off the past few days between cleaning, shopping, bringing groceries and a two year old up a shit ton of stairs and running around it's been very tiring but I've been getting the workouts I need on top of the ones I'm already doing. I don't have a scale but I do feel as if I've lost some weight and I'm starting to see it in my face it's thinning out and usually that means my body is doing the same so that's something good going on right now. My son is freaking great he's behaving tremendously well for me, I think he's starting to realize that I'm the only one taking care of him right now and minus the little messes he makes and the occasional attitude he gets when I tell him no he's been really good and I'm really proud of him. Today I'm relatively happy with things and I'm proud of myself for being able to handle things the way I have been, yeah it's tough but I've been handling it really well in my opinion and it's not often that I'll pat myself on the back for something but I think it's deserved this time and I can't deny that.
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

It's definitely deserved and anyone who says otherwise is blind and, well, stupid (for lack of a better word). Just sayin'. *nods, hugs*
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

Feeling a bit depressed today more so then I have been anyway I guess things have just been taking their toll on me and it's causing me to just be so blah today. All I wanna do is lay in my bed then again that doesn't help either because I'm just reminded that I'm alone in it plus I can't sleep because I have way too much to do. For the first time since everything went down a few days ago I feel completely lost I have no one to really talk to or hang out with to take my mind off of things, my son is a great kid but he really doesn't understand too much of what is going on and maybe that's a good thing. Point is I feel really shitty today and unmotivated I want to cry but I feel as if I did enough of that already then again how much crying is too much, who the fuck knows. I know I'm supposed to stay strong and keep my head up but it gets hard sometimes when everything around you brings memories and good or bad it's still upsetting, I just wish I could shake this depression even if it's only for a little bit I hate feeling like this.
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

Well I'm currently visiting my mother and have been here for a bit now been catching up with some old friends and they've been awesome to hang out with. Of course my mom wants me to move back to the same state as her and said she could help me get on my feet but I do have a life of my own and stuff now so I'm not really sure how to answer her when she asks if I want to move. It is damn tempting knowing that I'll have people I know constantly around me and that I'll have a lot of help but I would then be even further away from a certain someone and I don't want that unless I know for sure I'd be able to see them when it's available, I hate having to make decisions I'm not used to making decisions to please myself and I worry what others would think before I ever make any decisions and maybe that's why some things are harder for me but I can't help it I was raised to put others first and others feelings first and I've never really considered what I wanted in a long time. Moving to another state is a big thing even if it's just back to where you've once lived and you know the area, Ugh just so freaking stuck on what the hell to do my mind is racing, haven't been sleeping too much lately because of everything and that doesn't help at all.

On another note I'd like to apologize for my lack of posting and my absence, I know I probably upset some people that I've been RPing with by not responding for like a week but I really do have a lot going on and my life has just become a freaking roller coaster at the moment and again I apologize for taking so damn long I just need to really try and sort everything out and try to get my life to where I'm comfortable with it at the moment I really don't mean to just disappear at all and if some of my partners feel that they want to drop the RPs we have going then I wouldn't blame them at all and for those of you willing to wait for me to get my head straight and work on my RL issues I thank you all in advanced.
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

Real life is the real bitch, and it is understandable. You need to get your head straight and that is something that is very important for many things. I am sorry that so many don't get that, but glad for you for those of us here online that do. Also, I do understand about the moving home thing. That is one of those things that amaze me.. that some family members think that it something you can do just like that *snaps fingers*. That is a much harder choice than many think, so I am glad you are thinking first.
*hugs*
 
RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

Still at my mom's house and I only got into like four fights with my sister since being here and that is a fucking record lmao in all seriousness though I've been doing pretty good the last few days with the family they're all nuts but I love them haha. I've definitely been losing weight I haven't physically weighed myself on a scale but I can see that I'm thinner then before and the muscle in my arms is starting to show a lot more and I fucking love it! I am definitely gonna be getting some new tattoos as soon as I get to my goal weight and if I keep losing weight like I have been I'm positive I'll reach that goal by summer possibly and that would be great. I have a really fucking awesome idea for a sleeve I want on my arm it'll be a complete dedication to Harry Potter both the good and evil sides (I want the Dark Mark on my forearm because I love how it looks when done right) I've pretty much decided that when I get to my goal weight the tattoos will be a reward to myself.

Thanksgiving is coming VERY soon and although I'm a fatass and love to eat I'm gonna try and stick to my diet and not eat like four plates plus dessert lol. Gonna be spending the holiday with my mom and the rest of the family and hopefully we all get along during the day without any food or beverages flying around. I mean the arguments are funny as hell but the messes afterwards are nasty and a bitch to clean up. Hopefully my brother with show up and spend the day with everyone then I can kidnap him and bring him back to RI with me like I usually do whenever I visit my family. Might attempt to cook something but not sure if that's a good idea at the moment, I'm a good cook even went to school for it but my attention span is for shit right now and I may set a fire or burn something really bad and after the incident with a pot of water last night I don't think my mother wants me anywhere near the stove at the moment or the microwave or the toaster hell I don't know if she'll even let me near the coffee pot and that's something that is pretty easy to use. Even though I made an idiot of myself I can laugh at the whole situation simply because it's funny and I normally don't do what I had done last night so yeah it's kinda amusing.

In closing I would like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and I hope everyone has a great holiday :)
 
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