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Zalvek's official journal!

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Also, FUCK YOU WEATHER.

EDIT: Three posts in the day seems a bit excessive, so I'll just leave this here I think...

What am I doing right now, right here at this very moment? I'm not entirely sure myself. I always say at the begining of every semester that I'm going to try my hardest. Yet even though I'm here, I don't know what to do now. I'm not studying, even though I know I should. I can't and I don't know why. Is there something wrong with me? Do I lack the will or ambition to go on? What's wrong with me that makes me so unable to want to do anything, other than feel sorry for myself every time something goes wrong?

Maybe it's because so many things go wrong to begin with, like a vicious cycle that I don't have any power to actively stop. One thing goes wrong, and then I end up feeling sorry for myself and getting terribly distracted in the end. I'm sick of this cycle. But I can't do anything about it it seems.

I don't even say it, but I'm the sort of person who doesn't have any self-confidence at all. After being neglected, rejected, and ignored so many times it's near non-existent. I may have a huge front in real life where I'm brash, loud, and obnoxious. But none of it's true in the end. It's that part of me that I've had forever in an attempt to try and hide this weak side of me that's so fragile and easily hurt.

Things never seem to change, especially when things never go right for me. I can't even remember anymore the last time things went right. I know that I may seem to say that a lot, but the reason I keep repeating myself is that every single instance marks at least one point where something went wrong, or a day went to shit; and the time that's gone by since a good thing happening to me is getting further and further back in my memory that ultimately makes me feel hopeless about every leaving this recurring loop of bad luck and misery.
 
Sometimes I just feel like no one cares anymore, which I know it isn't true. However I can't help but doubt myself even so and think these negative thoughts. Am I a bit of a pessimist? It certainly seems so.
 
Pessimist or not, I care about you, Zally.
*hugs you to help try and rid your mind of those negative thoughts*
And for the record.... I adore you as you are. <3
 
[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_e14LZ8Rhk[/video]
Even if I have no Valentine this year, this video will help me learn how to get all the wimmenz.
 
I don't have the focus right now to put how I feel into words. All I know is that I'm miserable, unhappy, and that I can never have 24 hours to myself without something fucking up in every way possible.
 
*hugs*
Sometimes it just feels that way. Doesn't it? The key then is to just take a step back and focus solely on the positives going on in your life. Soon you'll realize that you have more going right than you thought. OR you'll find ways to make more of those positive things happen. In the mean time, drink some yummy tea and know you have a friend in your corner sending you lovin's.
<3333
 
Have I ever mentioned how much of a failure I feel like sometimes?

'cause I do.

All the time.
 
You're measuring yourself against unfair standards and basically being too hard on yourself. As far as normal people go, you're as successful as you can be. I mean, you're in school, you're studying diligently, you're on a track for success, you're smart, cute, you're better off than like 90% of the people in your age group. Top 10% is pretty damn successful.

BUT! You have expectations, whether from yourself or from your parents, to conform to a particular arc, and if you DON'T hit that arc, you feel like you've failed. So while objectively you're doing great, when it comes to this incredibly specific, incredibly rigid and stringent list of demands, you're falling short. Which, since the demands are near-impossible and require absolute perfection (which no actual human can really accomplish on the long term), it's like you have no other choice to fail.

So it's kind of up to you: do you want to look at yourself objectively or subjectively. Because if you choose subjectively, there's no way I can see that you WON'T feel bad.
 
I guess the problem stems from what you consider subjective MM, is what I consider to be objective. Or at least, in terms of the objectives I'm thinking of at least. I feel kind of like the last kid picked for a team in kickball for example. Mind you, it's all silly things to worry about compared to my larger concerns financially or scholastically speaking, but they still make me worry regardless. I feel like I should have made more progress by now, and instead I've made absolutely none, especially compared to other people. In the end I guess it just comes down to me being impatient.
 
I can respect that point of view. We all view our own stuff and judge our own progress by certain standards. I'm just trying to suggest you might cut yourself a little bit of slack. Compared to so many, you're doing extraordinarily well, but I get that you see others and think "I should be doing as well as that." We can't control that, so much, but you got to give yourself a break every so often. I mean, at the very least, feel like you've accomplished a few things. You didn't hit your target (YET!) but damn, man, you've gotten so far. You ought to savor that.
 
-Snuggles Alex- <3

I guess one of my problems comes from the fact that I end up comparing myself to others pretty frequently, and feel like I lack in other categories accordingly. I'll have those friends who will be a lot smarter than I am, and make me feel rather dumb. Then I'll have the friends who are much more social or well versed with the opposite gender compared to me. Then I end up mixing the two together and thinking that I lack in both of the two columns, and leaves me feeling like I often do.
 
I <3 you, Zal.

Sometimes I really think you don't give yourself enough credit. You definitely do things that I can't do. (Diff EQ...fuck that noise. <.<) I already know if you gave me a math problem that you have to do in class, I'd be like, "I'd rather eat paste. With spikes in it." I used to love math, but it got kind of sucked out of me. Anyways.

You're still so young and you have so much potential. You just need to let it manifest. <3 Love ya, azn buddy.
 
Maybe it would be good to remind yourself that it is impossible to be perfect. Then read Rick Veitch's Brat Pack or The Maximortal (both graphic novels) for an outlook on how truly terrifying the idea of perfection is. It's the kind of thing that slides into the amorality of perfection, the fascism that perfection induces, the way perfection occludes the ability to empathize with others.

Plus, no one likes perfect people. They make the rest of us look like shit and when their vice is revealed--and everyone has one--then it looks even worse.

On top of that, there is always going to be someone who is better at something than you, me, or anybody else. For instance; I went to school with a friend who, at the age of seventeen, created a theorem in quantum topography for his senior project and proceeded to win a total of $250K for his accomplishment. While, yes, he's so smart it hurt, he also has zero ability to be on time to anything and completely flounders when it comes to history and related social sciences. So he's better than me at math. That's great. It's awesome, but I'm good at things he's not.

That's how it works.

The pursuit of perfection is flawed because 1) it is unattainable and 2) the Übermensch is horrifying. You have personal strengths, clearly, and are articulate. Don't ever think you'll be the smartest guy in the room, as that will only lead to hubris, and don't ever think you'll be the best at anything. But you can damn well bet you'll be smarter than most of those people and more articulate than most of those people. Between those two immutable facts you can do a lot.

Also, vis a vis the opposite gender, fake it til you make it. It works. The facade of confidence is enough. You'll find someone who digs you for who you are.
 
I guess here's the thing that bothers me about the whole confidence thing. Despite how I act online, I am a complete and utter obnoxious ass hat in real life. I've had the confidence thing down for pretty much forever, and ultimately just kinda get glanced over as well. Maybe it's just because of where I live though. I'm not being down on myself, but genuinely objective, but there are a lot of better looking Asian guys all over Atlanta.

With that in mind, let's say that I'm at a gathering or sorts like an anime convention or something. A friend of mine might find a girl he knows and say "Oh, hi ______, this is Zalvek, a friend of mine." She will in tandem respond, "Oh... Hi." with a high amount of disinterest, and then quickly find another dude to talk to. If I had a penny for the number of times this happened, I'd have at least.... fifty pennies. And that's a lot of pennies. Maybe that's where a lot of my self-confidence problems stem from. That and any attempts I've made personally as a front have all ended rather poorly.
 
[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2g8QkkwBI-U[/video]
I'm addicted to this song. I'd fuck to this, not gonna lie.
 
I feel like I put a lot of effort into a lot of things. And yet no matter how hard I try I never end up getting the results that I would hope for. In fact, that's almost all I ever mope about in this journal I think. With that in mind, it's still happening and it sucks.

I want cuddles, and must mope in the fact that I'm not getting them.
 
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