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Zalvek's official journal!
- Thread starter Zalvek
- Start date
- Status
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2010
- Location
- Why do you care?
*cuddles and hugs zal*
i still <3 you!
i still <3 you!
I'm reminded lately of one of the main story points of the original Crystal Chronicles game. Memories are meant to fade. As we forget them, new ones will grow in their place. This is a natural process of life, and the cycle of memories. However sometimes, we're scared to forget. We refuse to let go of our memories and that leads to fear. But at the same time, we can't grow without forgetting sometimes, and that's why it's so crucial to be able to let go sometimes. I'm sure all people have forgotten one thing or another that may have at one point, been essential to their lives. Maybe it was a best friend who moved away when you were little, or an old school teacher who was particularly kind to you. All of these memories are wonderful things, but we can't hold onto them forever. It's not that we want to let go of them, but instead it's something that simply... Happens.
- This Optimus Prime makes me happy. Like everything's gonna be okay.
- I think I just realized that no one in this house is actually happy. Although it should be a given that my mom isn't happy. She has a vendetta against sugar. Who the heck hates sugar?
- This week is pretty sucky so far.
- A spider stayed on my car for an hour and followed me home from College. That's like an hour on the highway.
- I think I just realized that no one in this house is actually happy. Although it should be a given that my mom isn't happy. She has a vendetta against sugar. Who the heck hates sugar?
- This week is pretty sucky so far.
- A spider stayed on my car for an hour and followed me home from College. That's like an hour on the highway.
Hahvoc The Decepticon
Singularity
- Joined
- Mar 4, 2009
He thought your car was sexy.
SUGGGAAAAAAAAR. >8U
SUGGGAAAAAAAAR. >8U
I remember about a year making a bunch of promises to myself. I would get into Tech, be in an awesome dorm, go to a school I really wanted to, and in general have a kick ass time. I was going to go to the gym regularly, finally get over my issue with not meeting girls, and no longer have to worry about anything other than school.
Then I didn't get into Tech. Every since then I feel like my life has been a pretty big suck fest.
I decided to go to Poly instead, to try and transfer over to Tech as soon as possible. Originally I had hoped to transfer by the end of the first year. Easy enough I thought. How hard could it be? Only then I found out that it was near impossible to transfer in a year. It would take at least two with nothing but ridiculous grueling classes that would be incredibly accelerated in pace. Despite this, I still went through with it.
Things never got better. The first semester destroyed me, and left me nearly hopeless. I had little means to find any reason to want to keep going, but I held my chin up and told myself I would do better in school, and I tried. I really did. I spent many hours doing homework, studying, staying up until five in the morning to finish up a paper, and I feel I did well enough. But that is never enough for my parents it seems.
While I was proud of how far I had come along in terms of improvement, my parents weren't. They never are pleased with how I'm doing. They don't understand how hard it has been for me to transfer, and that the classes I'm taking now are upper classman level in terms of difficulty. It's destroying me mentally and I can't keep this up.
Between that, and everything else happening in life, I'm having trouble staying hopeful. Sure, lots of little bad things happen to me all the time. I'll joke about it and shrug my shoulders and forget about it. But I can't do that for this. I can't do it for when my parents compare me to a working buffoon who shouldn't even bother going to school if they're not going to try. They're telling me that only getting a 2.6 GPA is the equivalent of failing, that I won't be able to transfer any more, that I should just give up hope of ever going to Tech. That hurts me a lot, considering that my GPA for last semester was a 3.0 by itself. I thought my parents would have been the people to never give up on me, and yet here I am, with them practically encouraging me to give up on school and go get a job.
They're telling me to take this week and really think about what I want to do with my life. If I want to keep wasting my time with college, or if I want to go and try to start a business. Of course I want to keep trying, but I don't know if that's the answer they'll want. Because then their expectations of me will only increase. I'm not a bright person. I'm pretty stupid and have a lot of trouble learning. I can't do well just like that. It requires a lot of work for me, and even when I try it doesn't go well usually. I wish they would understand that. That I wasn't just screwing around at college. Maybe I didn't try my best, maybe I could have spent more hours studying, maybe I should just give up, but it's not that easy on me, and I don't know what to do right now...
Then I didn't get into Tech. Every since then I feel like my life has been a pretty big suck fest.
I decided to go to Poly instead, to try and transfer over to Tech as soon as possible. Originally I had hoped to transfer by the end of the first year. Easy enough I thought. How hard could it be? Only then I found out that it was near impossible to transfer in a year. It would take at least two with nothing but ridiculous grueling classes that would be incredibly accelerated in pace. Despite this, I still went through with it.
Things never got better. The first semester destroyed me, and left me nearly hopeless. I had little means to find any reason to want to keep going, but I held my chin up and told myself I would do better in school, and I tried. I really did. I spent many hours doing homework, studying, staying up until five in the morning to finish up a paper, and I feel I did well enough. But that is never enough for my parents it seems.
While I was proud of how far I had come along in terms of improvement, my parents weren't. They never are pleased with how I'm doing. They don't understand how hard it has been for me to transfer, and that the classes I'm taking now are upper classman level in terms of difficulty. It's destroying me mentally and I can't keep this up.
Between that, and everything else happening in life, I'm having trouble staying hopeful. Sure, lots of little bad things happen to me all the time. I'll joke about it and shrug my shoulders and forget about it. But I can't do that for this. I can't do it for when my parents compare me to a working buffoon who shouldn't even bother going to school if they're not going to try. They're telling me that only getting a 2.6 GPA is the equivalent of failing, that I won't be able to transfer any more, that I should just give up hope of ever going to Tech. That hurts me a lot, considering that my GPA for last semester was a 3.0 by itself. I thought my parents would have been the people to never give up on me, and yet here I am, with them practically encouraging me to give up on school and go get a job.
They're telling me to take this week and really think about what I want to do with my life. If I want to keep wasting my time with college, or if I want to go and try to start a business. Of course I want to keep trying, but I don't know if that's the answer they'll want. Because then their expectations of me will only increase. I'm not a bright person. I'm pretty stupid and have a lot of trouble learning. I can't do well just like that. It requires a lot of work for me, and even when I try it doesn't go well usually. I wish they would understand that. That I wasn't just screwing around at college. Maybe I didn't try my best, maybe I could have spent more hours studying, maybe I should just give up, but it's not that easy on me, and I don't know what to do right now...
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2010
- Location
- Why do you care?
*hugs Zally*
It definitely hurts when people say such things to you. Especially when they are people you love and respect. And it's even worse when those people turn out to be your parents. DX
To me, it sounds like you did a heap. That you've improved and should indeed be proud regardless of what anyone says. Though, I do realize that's easier said than done. Especially when you're hearing it all the time and by your own flesh and blood. It's hard to tune such things out. I do get that.
Another thing. You're hardly stupid. Most people don't 'get' things straight away and need to put some kind of effort into it to even remotely succeed. The question you need to ask yourself is this..... are you working towards a career in the right field. Some of your issues might be because deep down you aren't happy with your choice of profession to study for. Are you perhaps studying to become an engineer because it's what's expected of you? Because it's what your parents want? Maybe you'd be better off in a different area. I'm not saying you couldn't do it... more that, maybe you're not happy with it. It's not for everyone. And having gone through schooling for engineering, I know exactly what it entails, etc etc. But you already know that. lol. What you should do is take a step back and figure out what exactly you LOVE and then pursue that. You may find that engineering is indeed where it's at for you. But, at least then, you'll feel more confident about the choice. And, who knows, perhaps that'll help give you that boost of confidence you need to improve further and not feel so stupid. Even though you so totally aren't! And on the flip side, you very well might find out you should be pursuing something else. If this is the case, making the change will make you happy. It might upset some people, but college is for YOU. Not someone else, so they can just go shove it. lol.
Anyway, I hope what i said makes sense. <333
It definitely hurts when people say such things to you. Especially when they are people you love and respect. And it's even worse when those people turn out to be your parents. DX
To me, it sounds like you did a heap. That you've improved and should indeed be proud regardless of what anyone says. Though, I do realize that's easier said than done. Especially when you're hearing it all the time and by your own flesh and blood. It's hard to tune such things out. I do get that.
Another thing. You're hardly stupid. Most people don't 'get' things straight away and need to put some kind of effort into it to even remotely succeed. The question you need to ask yourself is this..... are you working towards a career in the right field. Some of your issues might be because deep down you aren't happy with your choice of profession to study for. Are you perhaps studying to become an engineer because it's what's expected of you? Because it's what your parents want? Maybe you'd be better off in a different area. I'm not saying you couldn't do it... more that, maybe you're not happy with it. It's not for everyone. And having gone through schooling for engineering, I know exactly what it entails, etc etc. But you already know that. lol. What you should do is take a step back and figure out what exactly you LOVE and then pursue that. You may find that engineering is indeed where it's at for you. But, at least then, you'll feel more confident about the choice. And, who knows, perhaps that'll help give you that boost of confidence you need to improve further and not feel so stupid. Even though you so totally aren't! And on the flip side, you very well might find out you should be pursuing something else. If this is the case, making the change will make you happy. It might upset some people, but college is for YOU. Not someone else, so they can just go shove it. lol.
Anyway, I hope what i said makes sense. <333
Mr Master
Pulsar
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2009
Okay, I understand more than I did in the Random Info thread.
Honestly, Zal... if it's destroying you to work so hard to try and transfer to Tech, maybe you should re-examine what path you want to take. It seems like you had a plot of your life a number of years ago, maybe planned with/by your parents, and now through one reason or another it's not working out like you thought it would be.
I think it might be time to realize that plans change. In the military, they say no plan of battle survives contact with the enemy. Meaning as soon as things actually start happening, you can't predict that sticking to the plan will even be possible, or will even be a good idea.
You have many more than just two options. You could continue at Poly, get an engineering degree there, I would expect, and focus on doing better in grad school, if that's what turns you on. Does the work still thrill you, even if the classes themselves are grinding you down? If you'd been allowed to progress through your degree at a normal pace, rather than trying to kill yourself to qualify for Tech, would you be feeling better about it, do you think? It sounds like you're overstressing because of your goal, and while you might be a perfectly bright and capable young man (despite your own claims), that kind of schedule would ruin anyone, genius or not. Don't blame yourself for not doing as well as you'd like; if you're going to blame yourself, do it for biting off more than you can comfortably chew. You might want to give up on transferring, and see what your options are without that on the table.
You could change majors. If something really does interest you, you could start taking those classes and go with it from there. Does business intrigue you? It's a shit time to start a business, so I'd recommend you stay in school as long as you're able, but if you do think a business is something you want to run, have you picked it out yet?
Lots of people change their minds about their lives all the time. You've got a problem in that your parents aren't supportive, they've got expectations of you and they're critical if you don't live up to those expectations. I don't know how to recommend you deal with that; I tried avoidance, and I still have trouble dealing with my parents, even as an adult, even though I kind of want to be closer, but can't stand actually dealing with them, so I can't say I was entirely successful.
The bottom line is, you're the one who's going to have to live your life. Your parents have guided you, they should be encouraging you, but in the end, when you're on your own and doing your own thing, you're the one who's going to be doing the work, and therefore, you get to pick what sort of work you want to be doing with your time.
Honestly, Zal... if it's destroying you to work so hard to try and transfer to Tech, maybe you should re-examine what path you want to take. It seems like you had a plot of your life a number of years ago, maybe planned with/by your parents, and now through one reason or another it's not working out like you thought it would be.
I think it might be time to realize that plans change. In the military, they say no plan of battle survives contact with the enemy. Meaning as soon as things actually start happening, you can't predict that sticking to the plan will even be possible, or will even be a good idea.
You have many more than just two options. You could continue at Poly, get an engineering degree there, I would expect, and focus on doing better in grad school, if that's what turns you on. Does the work still thrill you, even if the classes themselves are grinding you down? If you'd been allowed to progress through your degree at a normal pace, rather than trying to kill yourself to qualify for Tech, would you be feeling better about it, do you think? It sounds like you're overstressing because of your goal, and while you might be a perfectly bright and capable young man (despite your own claims), that kind of schedule would ruin anyone, genius or not. Don't blame yourself for not doing as well as you'd like; if you're going to blame yourself, do it for biting off more than you can comfortably chew. You might want to give up on transferring, and see what your options are without that on the table.
You could change majors. If something really does interest you, you could start taking those classes and go with it from there. Does business intrigue you? It's a shit time to start a business, so I'd recommend you stay in school as long as you're able, but if you do think a business is something you want to run, have you picked it out yet?
Lots of people change their minds about their lives all the time. You've got a problem in that your parents aren't supportive, they've got expectations of you and they're critical if you don't live up to those expectations. I don't know how to recommend you deal with that; I tried avoidance, and I still have trouble dealing with my parents, even as an adult, even though I kind of want to be closer, but can't stand actually dealing with them, so I can't say I was entirely successful.
The bottom line is, you're the one who's going to have to live your life. Your parents have guided you, they should be encouraging you, but in the end, when you're on your own and doing your own thing, you're the one who's going to be doing the work, and therefore, you get to pick what sort of work you want to be doing with your time.
DareToDream
Pulsar
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2009
- Location
- East Coast of U.S.
Hey Zal,
DA and MM pretty much covered the advice spectrum and said everything I would have said. It's good advice and well worth considering once you're able to think more clearly about how you want your future to proceed. The only thing I'd add is that - before you starting thinking hardcore about your future - you might want to take a day or two to completely purge your mind of it so that when you do sit down, you're able to do it with a much clearer mind. When that time comes, start breaking it down analytically. Look at the pros and cons of each of your options, including your current major, and begin to make it as clear as possible. The more you write down and map out, the less overwhelmed you'll feel about it all. You'll begin to see the things you did well, begin to get a clearer picture of where to go, etc.
Also, I know well the frustration that comes with feeling like you've done your best but it still not good enough for your parents. I had that pressure for one semester in my freshman year of college, thanks to a drop from a 3.0 GPA to a 1.8 GPA due to playing baseball. I ended up not talking to my dad for a few months that spring semester because he kept telling me I'd get the GPA up and wasn't getting the message that it wasn't going to happen that semester. Unable to deal with the constant pressure, I cut off communications until the summer. It helped me cope and re-center myself so that I could come up with a new plan for my life. That plan ultimately led me to eject something I loved from my life - baseball - so that I could meet or come close to meeting the new goals I'd set out for myself (and even then, it took another year and another failed 2nd semester during baseball season to realize and accept this). My point in all that rambling is that, ultimately, the only person you have to answer to re: the success of your life is yourself. At some point, you need to take control of your life and begin to build something that you'll be happy with and that will meet YOUR expectations, not anyone else's. I know that's easier said than done, especially if your parents are helping to finance college, but it can be achieved in small steps. So break down your goals, re-examine them, and start putting into place a new plan. That's something that you'll have to do constantly throughout your life so might as well start doing it now.
Other than that, if you ever just need someone to talk to, you can usually reach me here or on IMs. Hang in there!
DA and MM pretty much covered the advice spectrum and said everything I would have said. It's good advice and well worth considering once you're able to think more clearly about how you want your future to proceed. The only thing I'd add is that - before you starting thinking hardcore about your future - you might want to take a day or two to completely purge your mind of it so that when you do sit down, you're able to do it with a much clearer mind. When that time comes, start breaking it down analytically. Look at the pros and cons of each of your options, including your current major, and begin to make it as clear as possible. The more you write down and map out, the less overwhelmed you'll feel about it all. You'll begin to see the things you did well, begin to get a clearer picture of where to go, etc.
Also, I know well the frustration that comes with feeling like you've done your best but it still not good enough for your parents. I had that pressure for one semester in my freshman year of college, thanks to a drop from a 3.0 GPA to a 1.8 GPA due to playing baseball. I ended up not talking to my dad for a few months that spring semester because he kept telling me I'd get the GPA up and wasn't getting the message that it wasn't going to happen that semester. Unable to deal with the constant pressure, I cut off communications until the summer. It helped me cope and re-center myself so that I could come up with a new plan for my life. That plan ultimately led me to eject something I loved from my life - baseball - so that I could meet or come close to meeting the new goals I'd set out for myself (and even then, it took another year and another failed 2nd semester during baseball season to realize and accept this). My point in all that rambling is that, ultimately, the only person you have to answer to re: the success of your life is yourself. At some point, you need to take control of your life and begin to build something that you'll be happy with and that will meet YOUR expectations, not anyone else's. I know that's easier said than done, especially if your parents are helping to finance college, but it can be achieved in small steps. So break down your goals, re-examine them, and start putting into place a new plan. That's something that you'll have to do constantly throughout your life so might as well start doing it now.
Other than that, if you ever just need someone to talk to, you can usually reach me here or on IMs. Hang in there!
Thanks, you guys for all of the great advice. It really does mean a lot to me, and helped me get through the studying I had to do last night. I would have replied earlier, but the only thing I had time to do was yell at a furry. >>;
DA, I absolutely do love mechanical engineering more than anything else in the world. It's a field that is the first where I have felt a natural resonance towards. My parents wanted me to become a doctor, but I have no interest in helping people, psssh. >> I kid, I kid. XD
The only reason that I feel I'm really having trouble right now is because of the pace I have to follow through with my transfer requirements. I basically need to finish Calculus I, II, III, Physics I, II, Chemistry I, II, Linear Algebra, and Differential Equations along with a few other minor classes within two years (Which is the goal I've set for myself).
I've given it some thought today, and I think I still want to go to Tech. A while back I made a deal with myself. If I failed Chemistry II, then I would give up going to Tech, because it would only be getting rougher and rougher after that. However I did pass, so I am still pushing through with it. Maybe I will try to transfer a bit more slowly, after three years. This pace I think is what is doing me in and I need to gain control of my classes. I need more time to focus with less core classes in the way. I just need to be a bit more resilient. I've spent the last 19 years of my life putting up with my parent's criticism, and I shouldn't start letting it get to me now.
DA, I absolutely do love mechanical engineering more than anything else in the world. It's a field that is the first where I have felt a natural resonance towards. My parents wanted me to become a doctor, but I have no interest in helping people, psssh. >> I kid, I kid. XD
The only reason that I feel I'm really having trouble right now is because of the pace I have to follow through with my transfer requirements. I basically need to finish Calculus I, II, III, Physics I, II, Chemistry I, II, Linear Algebra, and Differential Equations along with a few other minor classes within two years (Which is the goal I've set for myself).
I've given it some thought today, and I think I still want to go to Tech. A while back I made a deal with myself. If I failed Chemistry II, then I would give up going to Tech, because it would only be getting rougher and rougher after that. However I did pass, so I am still pushing through with it. Maybe I will try to transfer a bit more slowly, after three years. This pace I think is what is doing me in and I need to gain control of my classes. I need more time to focus with less core classes in the way. I just need to be a bit more resilient. I've spent the last 19 years of my life putting up with my parent's criticism, and I shouldn't start letting it get to me now.
Mr Master
Pulsar
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2009
If that's what you love, yes, go for it, then. At least you know something you have a passion for! That's better than most people do. So, yes, push ahead with it.
Yeah, it really does sound like it has been the grind getting to you. If Tech is still where you want to be, then I think easing off on the pressure might be a good idea. I do want you to think about a backup, which might be getting your initial degree at a lesser institution and then making up for it by scoring a kick-ass higher-level school for your Masters or what have you. The idea is, you're still shooting for Tech, but you have something in place if it doesn't work (clearly, we're all hoping it does, but there's contingencies to consider).
We just want you to be happy, Zal.
Yeah, it really does sound like it has been the grind getting to you. If Tech is still where you want to be, then I think easing off on the pressure might be a good idea. I do want you to think about a backup, which might be getting your initial degree at a lesser institution and then making up for it by scoring a kick-ass higher-level school for your Masters or what have you. The idea is, you're still shooting for Tech, but you have something in place if it doesn't work (clearly, we're all hoping it does, but there's contingencies to consider).
We just want you to be happy, Zal.
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2010
- Location
- Why do you care?
Well, I'm glad to hear you're happy with your choice in pursuing Mechanical Engineering and that the choice was indeed yours. Hopefully fully knowing that will help you reach your goal. I've no doubt that you can and will. It sounds to me like you need to take the advice MM gave you. To either spread things out a little more, perhaps figure a 5 year plan for your BS. Three years where you are, 2 years at Tech. Or... get the degree in full where you are and then kick some major ass and get a MS! Nothing wrong with getting a MS! Hehe!!! 
The biggest thing, I think you need to keep in mind, is setting goals that are attainable. If you're having some troubles, sit down and figure out the why of it. Maybe you're doing too many outside things or maybe you need to spread the work load out a bit more. Whatever the reason, once you determine it, make the necessary adjustments and you should be good to go.
You're far from stupid. Very far from. So, if your heart truly lies with engineering... I know you'll become one, not mention a great one as well. <3
The biggest thing, I think you need to keep in mind, is setting goals that are attainable. If you're having some troubles, sit down and figure out the why of it. Maybe you're doing too many outside things or maybe you need to spread the work load out a bit more. Whatever the reason, once you determine it, make the necessary adjustments and you should be good to go.
You're far from stupid. Very far from. So, if your heart truly lies with engineering... I know you'll become one, not mention a great one as well. <3
Feeling down again. People younger than me getting into Tech when I didn't. I know I'm being petty but it frustrates the heck out of me honestly. I feel exactly like I did a couple of weeks ago, but I don't feel like writing the same thing over and over again will help.
I hope that a year from now, I won't have to worry about any such concerns and that my life will be back on track.
I hope that a year from now, I won't have to worry about any such concerns and that my life will be back on track.
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2009
- Location
- Raleigh, NC
Zalvek said:
You'll make it. I promise. Besides, we all support you.
It took me 4 years to get into college. And even then it's not my dream college. I'm going to try to get in. If not I have a few back up plans.
Don't let THIS kill you. You have a whole lot of life in you, and friends who support you to make yourself bitter about the present. The future will be brighter. Mr Master
Pulsar
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2009
For serious, though, my man, develop alternate tracks you can live with. it's like you're planning your road trip, but you're only writing down one route to get wherever you're going. There may be a traffic tie up, maybe a bridge is washed out, maybe there's construction and you won't be able to use the roads you planned. Spend some time looking at the map of possibilities so you can figure out how to get to your ultimate goal.
Also, spend a little time figuring out what your ultimate goal is. Is it to work in Mechanical Engineering? Okay, then Tech is a good route to get there, but there's lots of people who work in the field who didn't go to that particular school, so clearly there's other ways to achieve that goal. I think your goals may be a bit too short-term and specific, and it's bringing you down. Widen the scope, son, think about the long term, and maybe you'll see some other work-arounds.
But I feel for you, Zally, I really do. Buck up; it can't be like this all the time. Focus on some good things for a while, simple stuff that makes you happy. It's OK to take a break from your worries for an hour or two.
Also, spend a little time figuring out what your ultimate goal is. Is it to work in Mechanical Engineering? Okay, then Tech is a good route to get there, but there's lots of people who work in the field who didn't go to that particular school, so clearly there's other ways to achieve that goal. I think your goals may be a bit too short-term and specific, and it's bringing you down. Widen the scope, son, think about the long term, and maybe you'll see some other work-arounds.
But I feel for you, Zally, I really do. Buck up; it can't be like this all the time. Focus on some good things for a while, simple stuff that makes you happy. It's OK to take a break from your worries for an hour or two.
☢☢Zombies Galore☢☢
Supernova
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2009
Mr Master speaks the truth. Do you have any alternate plans to get where you want to go? I know the expression is a little macabre, but there's more than one way to skin a cat. I am certain that a fellow like you can figure out some alternate routes and back-up plans in case something happens.
It goes without say that I complain about my life a lot. I'm well aware of it. That's what this entire journal is for after all, and basically it's covered the same few subjects. My shitty luck, my school life, and my love life (Or lack there of). And usually, one thing gets to me and brings me down. It's rare however that all three things manage to convene at the same time to bring me to the point where my voice is cracking, I'm physically shaking, and there's a pang in my chest that is just tearing me up inside.
I'm going to say it again, not getting into Tech was something that probably destroyed my self confidence more than anything else. Where I was once always sure I was a decently smart guy capable of doing well in school I realized I wasn't even able to get into the school I wanted to, and was left with just picking at the leftovers, going to the other schools that were lower tier in comparison. Sure, transferring there would be easy enough. But as I am even at this school now, I am having trouble with the material. All of it's incredibly hard and I'm having trouble keeping good grades. I don't even meet the requirements to transfer, and that just kills me even more. I can't do anything right. The worst part being that as all of my friends who are a year younger now, all of them managed to get into Tech. Every single one of them. There's a certain bite and irony to that that just really brings me down in more ways that I can possibly explain through words. Even the ones that didn't want to go there managed to get in. It just makes me twist that one quote, "Where as every one has succeeded, I have failed." I can't stand that and it's so irritating.
Sure that part might not be too bad. I can deal with the fact that people younger than me might be smarter. That's all good and well, but when my parents, the only people who I feel really should support me through all of them, simply yell and pressure me more and more, that's what I start to collapse. Georgia has a scholarship called HOPE, which covers a lot of tuition. Getting it is easy enough, but to keep it you need to keep a 3.0 GPA in 30 hour intervals. I failed this, and so I lost HOPE, along with all of the friends I have. My parents refuse to accept this. They just keep telling me that everyone keeps HOPE. All the smart, brilliant Korean children from other parents are able to keep HOPE, and that I should be no exception. But that's a fucking lie. Everyone loses HOPE. It's designed to be lost so save the state money. But they don't believe me. They just listen to the Korean newspapers that tell them "No, all the smart children keep it!" Guess what? I'm not smart. I have difficulty with everything, especially when trying to meet ridiculous transfer requirements for Tech. It's fucking hard to keep all of that up while taking three maths and sciences at the same damn time. It's hard some fucking times, I hope you realize that. It isn't like Korean college, which is a fucking cakewalk to your degree, which by the way is fucking useless here. Realize that I know what I'm doing and talking about, and that sometimes it's fucking hard to memorize lattice crystals, fourteen integration methods, and everything else on top of that, damn it.
Other than that... I'm just feeling down because I'm lonely as usual. Again, everyone I know is paired off with another, and they're incredibly happy with them as well. I am glad they're happy. I think it's wonderful. But there are just too many instances where I hear "You're a really nice guy Michael." And that's the end of that. I am sick of those words. I am sick of hearing them from almost every girl I know. The last time a girl has shown interest in me was in Middle school. My friends have always been the one to come to me for girl help, or guy problems and I always help them through it. They always end up happy and cheery, while I'm left in the dust alone, time and time again.
Just once, I'd like to be the one together with someone.
I'm going to say it again, not getting into Tech was something that probably destroyed my self confidence more than anything else. Where I was once always sure I was a decently smart guy capable of doing well in school I realized I wasn't even able to get into the school I wanted to, and was left with just picking at the leftovers, going to the other schools that were lower tier in comparison. Sure, transferring there would be easy enough. But as I am even at this school now, I am having trouble with the material. All of it's incredibly hard and I'm having trouble keeping good grades. I don't even meet the requirements to transfer, and that just kills me even more. I can't do anything right. The worst part being that as all of my friends who are a year younger now, all of them managed to get into Tech. Every single one of them. There's a certain bite and irony to that that just really brings me down in more ways that I can possibly explain through words. Even the ones that didn't want to go there managed to get in. It just makes me twist that one quote, "Where as every one has succeeded, I have failed." I can't stand that and it's so irritating.
Sure that part might not be too bad. I can deal with the fact that people younger than me might be smarter. That's all good and well, but when my parents, the only people who I feel really should support me through all of them, simply yell and pressure me more and more, that's what I start to collapse. Georgia has a scholarship called HOPE, which covers a lot of tuition. Getting it is easy enough, but to keep it you need to keep a 3.0 GPA in 30 hour intervals. I failed this, and so I lost HOPE, along with all of the friends I have. My parents refuse to accept this. They just keep telling me that everyone keeps HOPE. All the smart, brilliant Korean children from other parents are able to keep HOPE, and that I should be no exception. But that's a fucking lie. Everyone loses HOPE. It's designed to be lost so save the state money. But they don't believe me. They just listen to the Korean newspapers that tell them "No, all the smart children keep it!" Guess what? I'm not smart. I have difficulty with everything, especially when trying to meet ridiculous transfer requirements for Tech. It's fucking hard to keep all of that up while taking three maths and sciences at the same damn time. It's hard some fucking times, I hope you realize that. It isn't like Korean college, which is a fucking cakewalk to your degree, which by the way is fucking useless here. Realize that I know what I'm doing and talking about, and that sometimes it's fucking hard to memorize lattice crystals, fourteen integration methods, and everything else on top of that, damn it.
Other than that... I'm just feeling down because I'm lonely as usual. Again, everyone I know is paired off with another, and they're incredibly happy with them as well. I am glad they're happy. I think it's wonderful. But there are just too many instances where I hear "You're a really nice guy Michael." And that's the end of that. I am sick of those words. I am sick of hearing them from almost every girl I know. The last time a girl has shown interest in me was in Middle school. My friends have always been the one to come to me for girl help, or guy problems and I always help them through it. They always end up happy and cheery, while I'm left in the dust alone, time and time again.
Just once, I'd like to be the one together with someone.
So I've gotten all moved in at this point. I've been at the apartment for about a week and things are definitely better. I've found that the main reason I get depressed and stressed comes from being with my parents for extended parents. I've been able to really calm down and relax since.
But at the same time, I guess I'm worrying a lot as well, about like and college. I need to do well this semester, or else I will get pulled from the school. So I need to not only worry about going to Tech, but also at just staying at my current school as well. It hasn't gotten to me too much, but the backdrop is still there regardless.
The first week is always pretty laid back and I don't mind it. All of my classes seem pretty interesting, and being able to see all of my friends again is nice. It's a good change of pace for me I think, and is definitely a more healthy environment than my home is.
Over all, school seems better this year. The food is infinitely superior this year. Today we had a London Broil at lunch. LUNCH. That boggles me a bit. There's also a lot more girls as well, it seems. Maybe that has something to do with the new nursing degree we're offering? I'm not sure, but I don't mind it.
I'm worrying about a lot of things even now, but I'm calmer. I feel like everything is going to be alright, but I have a very ominous feeling as of late that something's gonna go wrong...
I'm also once more considering dropping RP-ing. I never get any PMs or replies to begin with, and the few times that I do, the RPs never go past the first page. Getting burnt so many times like that gets a bit old after a while, and I'm kind of sick of it.
But at the same time, I guess I'm worrying a lot as well, about like and college. I need to do well this semester, or else I will get pulled from the school. So I need to not only worry about going to Tech, but also at just staying at my current school as well. It hasn't gotten to me too much, but the backdrop is still there regardless.
The first week is always pretty laid back and I don't mind it. All of my classes seem pretty interesting, and being able to see all of my friends again is nice. It's a good change of pace for me I think, and is definitely a more healthy environment than my home is.
Over all, school seems better this year. The food is infinitely superior this year. Today we had a London Broil at lunch. LUNCH. That boggles me a bit. There's also a lot more girls as well, it seems. Maybe that has something to do with the new nursing degree we're offering? I'm not sure, but I don't mind it.
I'm worrying about a lot of things even now, but I'm calmer. I feel like everything is going to be alright, but I have a very ominous feeling as of late that something's gonna go wrong...
I'm also once more considering dropping RP-ing. I never get any PMs or replies to begin with, and the few times that I do, the RPs never go past the first page. Getting burnt so many times like that gets a bit old after a while, and I'm kind of sick of it.
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2009
- Location
- Raleigh, NC
butbutbut Dun leave me Zalykins ;-; My vacation fuxed up my RP muse.
Mr Master
Pulsar
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2009
Zally, you have an issue with focus. You focus too much on certain things, or you keep worrying about the large scale which stresses you out about the small scale.
I think during the semester, you ought to just keep your focus on each class. Sure, do your socializing, but don't think about the grand scale. You've just got to pass each class, keep your eye on that.
Only think about the larger picture when you're planning. Like, when you have to pick your classes for next session, think about what you'll need for degree or for transfer. But outside of that? Keep your focus short-term. The way you worry, the way your mind works, it would be better if you could narrow your focus of things to worry about on most days. I don't expect you'll be able to keep that up, my boy, but if you try, even for a while, it might reduce your stress levels to something more manageable.
I worry sometimes, too. Sometimes, I even worry about you.
I think during the semester, you ought to just keep your focus on each class. Sure, do your socializing, but don't think about the grand scale. You've just got to pass each class, keep your eye on that.
Only think about the larger picture when you're planning. Like, when you have to pick your classes for next session, think about what you'll need for degree or for transfer. But outside of that? Keep your focus short-term. The way you worry, the way your mind works, it would be better if you could narrow your focus of things to worry about on most days. I don't expect you'll be able to keep that up, my boy, but if you try, even for a while, it might reduce your stress levels to something more manageable.
I worry sometimes, too. Sometimes, I even worry about you.
So I'm going to try a change of pace for once, and write about something different. Something that I don't think I've ever really openly ever talked about to... Well anyone. It's always been a bit of a secretive thing for me, but I feel like letting it out will be good. It's gonna be a little bit sappy, but definitely not much of a downer. That's a nice change of pace, isn't it?
I remember quite well being ten years old at the time. Back then I was still a much more artistic person than anything else. I spent a lot of time drawing, mostly robots (go figure, right?). I was almost positive then that I would end up going to an art school of sorts, and then become an animator. It wasn't until years later that I realized animators are paid shit and are worked mercilessly. I think I ended up for the best though.
My mom told me that there was a class offering animation lessons. This was just about the coolest thing that I could have ever heard of, and I jumped on it immediately once I got the chance.
For the first couple of weeks, I tended to keep to myself. I was one of those shy quieter kids, even though most people would have never guessed it now. There were a lot of different age groups. Some were my age, others were in their mid teens or in high school, and a few were even adults taking the class for the fun of it.
It was soon quickly noted that I was the "Robot kid". Everything that I ever animated was a robot of some sort, and one day, one of the high school girls came up to me and asked me if I could design a gun for one of her characters. Of course I had no problem doing this, and I worked on it pretty busily. Soon I designed a modular gun composed of about fourteen different pieces. She told me that she liked it a lot and thanked me, before introducing herself. Her name was Maria.
I'd say that she was the first person I really got the chance to know there. After that, I ended up knowing a lot of the people there. It turned out a lot of the older girls thought I was a really cute kid, which I find absolutely hilarious considering most girls won't give me the time of day anymore XD.
I'm not sure how it happened, but eventually I found myself really like her. It ended up turning into the first time I really felt like I loved someone. Even though she was about four or five years older than me. She was always willing to listen to what I was saying, even if she didn't know what in the world I was talking about. Even when I was ranting and angry, she sat there calmly with a soft smile and a gentle tone to calm me down and keep me quelled. Although despite that, I usually ended up becoming quite flustered and would blush a lot.
Soon after that, my family decided to move down to Tampa from New Jersey. As I left, I let her know how I felt about her. She had a boy friend at the time, and thought it was cute. I knew it could never be, but the fact that she acknowledged it was nice. I went back up to Jersey once to meet some friends, and I had a chance to meet her while I was there. We met at the mall, hung out at the comic book shop, and just sat around. It was a little awkward, but she left with giving me a small peck on the cheek. I feel like that may have been one of my most embarrassing but fond moments ever.
Since then, I get the feeling that I know more of what I really want from love. Someone who understands me. Someone who realizes that no matter how much I rant or yell about something, all I really want is for someone to sit down with me and know immediately that it's all just a ploy. Someone that is well aware that all I really want is someone to share my life with and be happy together with. I guess maybe that's why I'm a bit picky about love sometimes, and maybe even a bit scared of it as well. But I feel these standards that she left me with were for the better in the end.
I remember quite well being ten years old at the time. Back then I was still a much more artistic person than anything else. I spent a lot of time drawing, mostly robots (go figure, right?). I was almost positive then that I would end up going to an art school of sorts, and then become an animator. It wasn't until years later that I realized animators are paid shit and are worked mercilessly. I think I ended up for the best though.
My mom told me that there was a class offering animation lessons. This was just about the coolest thing that I could have ever heard of, and I jumped on it immediately once I got the chance.
For the first couple of weeks, I tended to keep to myself. I was one of those shy quieter kids, even though most people would have never guessed it now. There were a lot of different age groups. Some were my age, others were in their mid teens or in high school, and a few were even adults taking the class for the fun of it.
It was soon quickly noted that I was the "Robot kid". Everything that I ever animated was a robot of some sort, and one day, one of the high school girls came up to me and asked me if I could design a gun for one of her characters. Of course I had no problem doing this, and I worked on it pretty busily. Soon I designed a modular gun composed of about fourteen different pieces. She told me that she liked it a lot and thanked me, before introducing herself. Her name was Maria.
I'd say that she was the first person I really got the chance to know there. After that, I ended up knowing a lot of the people there. It turned out a lot of the older girls thought I was a really cute kid, which I find absolutely hilarious considering most girls won't give me the time of day anymore XD.
I'm not sure how it happened, but eventually I found myself really like her. It ended up turning into the first time I really felt like I loved someone. Even though she was about four or five years older than me. She was always willing to listen to what I was saying, even if she didn't know what in the world I was talking about. Even when I was ranting and angry, she sat there calmly with a soft smile and a gentle tone to calm me down and keep me quelled. Although despite that, I usually ended up becoming quite flustered and would blush a lot.
Soon after that, my family decided to move down to Tampa from New Jersey. As I left, I let her know how I felt about her. She had a boy friend at the time, and thought it was cute. I knew it could never be, but the fact that she acknowledged it was nice. I went back up to Jersey once to meet some friends, and I had a chance to meet her while I was there. We met at the mall, hung out at the comic book shop, and just sat around. It was a little awkward, but she left with giving me a small peck on the cheek. I feel like that may have been one of my most embarrassing but fond moments ever.
Since then, I get the feeling that I know more of what I really want from love. Someone who understands me. Someone who realizes that no matter how much I rant or yell about something, all I really want is for someone to sit down with me and know immediately that it's all just a ploy. Someone that is well aware that all I really want is someone to share my life with and be happy together with. I guess maybe that's why I'm a bit picky about love sometimes, and maybe even a bit scared of it as well. But I feel these standards that she left me with were for the better in the end.
- Status