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The insane ramblings of an old wizard.

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-Read the entire thing;
Pfft. You know I read what you write, silly.~
Love you, Hal. <3
I know the feeling of dropping roleplays. :'D -Has done it plenty of times... Sadly;
 
Slept for only 2 hours last night... Might go back to sleep soon, most likely.

When I use the bathroom (to put it in simple, non-crass terms) I like to read while I do my business. I was reading Misery by Stephen King, and I was about a little more than halfway through the book. But then it 'gripped' me, and I really got into it. Books and games tend to do that, at some point, I'll get really invested in them, but it can take quite a bit to 'really' get me going sometimes. But when I do... I become pretty compulsive about it.

Suffice to say, I spent the rest of the night reading, and it was a really damn good book. Stephen King might not be the most refined author in the world, but I'll be damned if his stuff isn't enjoyable as hell. This was probably my second favorite novel of his so far. 'It' was my favorite, and The Shawshank redemption (although a short story, not a novel) is in third place.
 
Silver 1... Not a bad rank to start solo queue LoL ranked at. Although solo queue ranked doesn't mean shit, it's like a dice roll. Still, kind of fun.

I've been abusing the shit out of Vi, that bitch is so powerful it's not even funny. Failing that, I play pretty much whatever is required. Although I always go for the 'good/competitive' picks, because I'm a goddamn tryhard.

I think if I had been classified for bronze, I would have quit LoL forever.
 
Awwww Hal, you sound like an awesome partner and if I were a partner you dropped I'd shrug it off after reading that. P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!


Your new journal stalker,
Ava
 
Thanks for the birthday wishes.

---

Dear die-ary, today, I hurt my back. I have absolutely no idea how, but this morning, I was in such pain that it was literally impossible for me to sit down. I laid down in bed, and for quite a bit of time, I felt like I couldn't get up... And once I did, I really just 'rolled' up by rolling onto my side.

It's not 'quite' as bad now, but I'm going to spend a good part of the day in bed trying not to injure it any further. Relax the muscles and stuff... Hopefully that'll help. I'm no big expert on back pains though.

As such, to all my RP partners (all one of them, hahaha) I might or might not be answering today, and depending on how my condition improves, tomorrow. We'll see... Honestly, I just want this fucking pain to go away, but I don't think it's gonna be that easy.

Ah well. As long as I don't have a broken spine, I guess I'm good. Although, I'd probably be dead if that was the case, no?
 
Most people (pretty much nearly everyone) probably noticed that I've all but vanished from the face of the earth recently. Yeah. As it turns out, I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping, and it kind of makes me become introverted, I mean, more so than usual.

There's only a few precious hours in the day where I actually feel 'awake' as in, not tired. The rest of the day, I basically spend feeling like a zombie. Thinking is hard, effort is even harder. I hope that this will fix itself soon... I can't seem to remember a time where I didn't have sleeping problems anymore. I'm not quite sure why this keeps happening. Bleh.

Other than that... Life goes on, I guess. I've been playing videogames and stuff. I had the best, awesomest news the other day when they announced the kickstarter for Torment... Which is going to be a sequel to what is arguably my favorite game ever: Planescape: Torment. Hearing those news made me the happiest I've felt in quite a few months, and I've been ravenously checking the kickstarter page for it over and over... And over. I can't wait to play the game, and I've already backed it.

Anyone who hasn't played Planescape: Torment should feel ashamed of themselves. The game is probably the best storytelling experience you'll ever get in a videogame form. I have great hopes for the upcoming sequel. I only hope that my expectations won't be crushed. (Please please please please don't fuck this up.)
 
Dear diary.

You and I haven't been getting along well lately, have we? Nope, not at all. In fact, if it hadn't been for this, I wouldn't even be writing in you right now. I'd be sleeping, which is honestly something I would much prefer.

This is shaping up to be another one of those posts again, isn't it?

Don't care, hah.

Anyways. I had a dream, just now. I don't want to go into details... But it involved someone, a 'someone' that shocked me. It was completely out of nowhere and just so... Strange, for me to dream about that person. In this strange dream-world, feelings were involved, real life feelings between me and that other individual... And I don't understand it. Or maybe I just don't want to understand the implications behind such a dream.

I'm a loner. This much is easy to tell. I basically breathe and live loneliness, more often than not by my own hand. I push most people away, and I rarely do make 'good' friends, be it online or offline. In fact, other than my roommate... At the current time, I've pretty much ceased my daily interactions with people altogether. This means that I don't talk to anyone on a daily basis. I have no social contacts whatsoever with someone that I would consider a 'friend' in any respect, I'm by myself, left to my own devices, and I actually hide from people in one way or another.

I try to tell myself that maybe it's because I'm more comfortable that way. That I literally seek loneliness. That I do not need company, or other people, or social interactions. I want to keep that state of mind, to be this, I want to be a goddamn hermit, with no care in the world, who can live by himself and be damn fine with it. With no goal or purpose, just living for the sake of living, enjoying my life for what it is, no matter how simple and effortless it is.

But am I? The fact that I have this kind of dream makes me question it. It's just a dream, of course... And it's a dream about someone I've pushed/been pushing away. I say that we're friends, but do I really mean it? I want to mean it, but friends... Friends is a difficult thing to me, isn't it? Either way, the dream is dumb, to think that a relationship could work between me and that person is utter madness. To think that a relationship between me and anyone could work is utter madness.

So many things about me that pushes people away, that would make them think thrice about getting into something serious with me. So many things that I refuse to budge on. I'm not an attractive option, to say the least. And I say that in a strictly mental term... Although my physique is far from ideal as well, isn't it?

And yet, when I have this kind of dream... In the dream, it feels good. To simply have a chance, to have someone else, someone who might listen to me, who might be there for me, who might actually love me for who I am. That's certainly a lot of 'might'. But it's a good feeling, at least for as long as the dream lasts... Then it ends, and I'm left with nothing but a blank void, and it feels like there was something there before, something that I didn't think I had, a want that I keep telling myself I don't have, only for this kind of thing to happen.

I want to be an island. I so desperately want to be my own island. But I'm doing a pretty poor job of it... I guess it's true what they say, 'no man is an island'.

So, what am I going to do about it?

Probably nothing. I'm going to keep playing this little game with myself, this little cryptic game in where I avoid people, hide, push them away. I'm going to leave this little message here in my journal, instead of communicating directly to people. Because the only person who's comfortable with my thoughts is myself. Only when speaking to myself, can I put all of this into words. Words on a black font with white letters... Words that will eventually be read by others. But when I write this... I don't write it for others, I write it for myself. I write to myself. But I do want others to see it.

... I do.

Fuck, I just wrote that. I didn't even think about it, I just did. I do want others to know my thoughts. So I guess in a way... No. I don't know. God. Maybe this is just a really pathetic cry out, a shameless, stupid call for help. Help that I literally know I will do everything in my power to avoid, to push away, to simply make gone.

This is devolving, isn't it? Turning into something else. A rant, a messed jumbled nonsensical garble of thoughts. And I am left thinking of one simple line from a game I play... One very simple, silly line, that keeps popping up in my mind as I wrote this, as I write this.

This.

I fear to think of what will become of me left to my own devices. I can feel a distinct tug in my mind as I keep doing what I do day in, day out. I've already thought about the worst possibilities that my mind might bring... And it can be frightening. It's not pretty in there, and far too often, I have dark thoughts that come out of nowhere, things that don't make sense, and that I'm fully aware don't make any sense... Things that a normal human being shouldn't think about.

But I know. I know that if someday those things start making sense, that if I can start justifying these thoughts with my own irrevocably fucked up logic, no matter how screwy and twisted it might be... Then I will have lost. And then... I don't even want to think about what will happen. But I do think about it, don't I? I always do. I just don't want to think about it. And I don't want others to think that I think about it.

I don't want others to see me for who I truly am. I want to be someone that I'm not... And to convince myself that I am, I need to convince others of it first. But when I win, when I truly win, when I convince myself. Then I will have lost. I will have lost this little game that I play with myself... I will have achieved my objective, I will have won, but that victory, in every single sense of the term, will be a loss.

That dream, that I had... Is my mind trying desperately to hold on to some hope that I can be... Happy? Not alone? Sane? It's a dream that tries to fight off who I am attempting to be, despite myself. What I am making myself become. What... I...

... I need to go back to sleep. I think I've made my point at this point. I understand now, I've put it into words. My thoughts are always most clear when I'm tired. I wrote this so that I could understand myself. I wrote it for myself... And I understand. To write things down makes them so much clearer.

I wish I could speak with such clarity when speaking with others... But I am only comfortable thinking in such a way when I'm left alone with myself. Heh.

In the end... I wonder what will become of me? Will I find someone that will be able to keep me from myself? Will I find someone who'll be able to keep up with all of the hiding and shoving that I do to push people away from me? No human being should have to put up with that. No one should have to feel unwanted. And I am pretty much the essence of that... I have no doubt that anyone I've ever called a friend has felt unwanted by me at one point or another. I meant it, I always mean it... But in the end, I will always do my best to keep people away from me. Because it's what I do. Why? I don't know. I just do it, and I've come to accept that fact. It would take someone incredibly stubborn to get through to me. And it's just not worth it.

I don't understand why I do the things I do. And I try to convince myself that I want the way I am, that I live... But in the end, everything is a lie. A lie that I have to convince myself of, that I will try my best to convince myself of, no matter what. I will continue upon this path, even consciously knowing that it will lead to nothing but disaster. I am my own worst enemy, and my own best friend. I am me. I really, really love me. But god, do I really fucking hate me.

I am the harbinger of my own destruction. And I blissfully and ignorantly accept this with open arms.

Dear diary... I'm going to have to close you now. Otherwise, this will just keep going on and on. My train thought will never end. So I will simply close it here, close this chapter with this non-ending. Sucks, doesn't it?
 
I'm tired... Just, tired. I feel like every day that passes by just makes me more and more weary, and at this point in my life... There's only one thing that truly makes me happy. It's foolish to put so much worth into a simple thing, but it seems that I'm doing it anyways, because it keeps me going.

Although 'going' is a very loose term here, considering what I do on a day to day basis...

I wish I had friends to talk to. But I don't, because I don't talk to them... Because I stay away. We've been over this before, haven't we?

I want someone who'll get through to me... Who I can feel comfortable with and talk to on a daily basis, interact with... Someone who'll manage to get through all the walls I've built around myself. Someone who'll give my life a meaning, whom I can depend on, who'll push me to do things... Things that I've long since lost motivation to do.

But at this point... I'm starting to wonder if it's not too late.

I didn't want this entry to be another depressing one, I really didn't. I've been holding off on writing again since my last entry, just so I'd have something else to write about... Something different, something that's not depressing crap... But well... It didn't happen. We're still here... I'm still here.

I wish I had something good to write about, I really do. Sorry.
 
I have something good to write about for once.

I think things are looking up, slowly... I have that one thing now, that fancy little thing that people have that I've been lacking up to this point: Hope.

I realize that it's a very vague hope, and that it might not happen... But I'm clinging onto it for dear life because it's all I have. It's all I want. All that matters to me in life is to not be alone, it has, and it always will be, my most important priority. Everything else matters very little.

When you admit such... Things. There's always the fear of rejection, that dreadful, nail-biting fear, knowing that any hope you might have would be crushed in an instant... But for once, it didn't happen. I wasn't denied, but I wasn't outright accepted either. So it remains only this: A possibility... And I'm fine with that. Just for a shot, just for a chance with that person... I'm willing to try. To see what I can do... To inch myself forward.

This is the first time in... Years, that I've felt like this. Motivation... It's a funny thing.

There has been that thing that has been on my mind. A local agency that offers help to people with no job, to 'insert' them into a working environment. In short, it's basically a job, but one with a sure shot at it, that the government helps you with. It's always been drifting on my mind, as a possibility of something that I might do in the future... But my lack of drive prevented me from actually doing it.

Today, I called a government center and asked for information about this thing. At 1 PM, I will be going and meeting someone about it... And then... I don't know yet. That's the beautiful thing... For once, something is happening in my life where I don't know what will happen. My life has been far too predictable: Waking up, eating, playing videogames, sleeping, repeat...

But I'm breaking the cycle now. I want to burst out of the hole I've dug up for myself. I want to do something... Just so I have a chance.

Thank you. You might think that you're a terrible person, but you're not. And from the bottom of my heart... Thank you, for not rejecting me, for keeping that little flame inside of me awake... For giving me hope. You did something that no one has done for a long, long time.
 
*hugs you tightly*
THIS.... THIS soooo made me smile!!!!!! <333333
You've absolutely no idea how awesome it was to read this just now. :)
 
Haha... Thanks.

On the negative part though, I've got to fill out a bunch of paperwork now... Like, a lot. Because I've been 'out' of the job market for so long. (Which isn't saying much considering that I've never held a job more than a week.)

But eh, it's not that bad. I just have to wait for my roommate to show up since I'm lacking some info.
 
Awww... Well, it could be worse. Paperwork, while super annoying, isn't as bad as most things at least. Right? Plus, the reward at the end makes the tediousness of the process soooo worth it! woot!!!! <33333
 
3827_Isaac-and-Miria.jpg
 
Meeting with the government people on Tuesday at 2:30 PM, that's all I have for updates on that front.

On another front, today I went out to a place that I hung out with my roommate and some of his friends yesterday to play board games. I was supposed to meet up with his friends (my roommate was working) to play board games, but it turned out that they couldn't go and weren't there.

That place is called the 'Geek base' and is kind of a place for anime/gaming/TCG stuff. Having walked all the way there, I didn't feel like walking back right away... So I looked around for a bit.

People in the back were playing MTG, and I've always been interested in it. Especially since my most active RP partner has been incorporating quite a few elements/characters inspired from said card game into our RP.

After a bit of struggling with myself, I bought a starter pack. (Green/black Return to Ravinca) And went in the back to play a few games.

I started against someone who quite obviously had a LOT of experience and had dumped a LOT of money in to the game and he trounced me five times without me doing much of anything. But I'm not a sore loser and I viewed it as a learning experience, it helped me to get the hang of things and learn about some of the rules.

Afterwards I played against another 'beginner' of sorts. He had two decks and quite a few spare cards, so I'm guessing that he's only been playing for a few months. I beat him five times and he won once. Afterwards I play a three way FFA with both of them, and won that one as well. So overall, I'm very pleased with that.

As I left, I bought a booster pack (Dark ascension) just for fun and asked him if he would be getting any Innistrad packs anytime soon, since I want to get my hands on some of those. I also special ordered (more like asked him to look for) a Bowser figurine, since I want to get my hands on one of those and never saw one anywhere.

Not a bad day overall, but I'm tired, just got back home and I'm going to spend the rest of the day being lazy... It's too hot outside @_@ Summer is coming, and I dread it. I'm so uncomfortable when it's warm... And I sweat way too easily. Not because I'm like, fat or anything, but because I've ALWAYS had a bit of a sweating problem. Might be a glandular thing or something, I dunno. It's silly.
 
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