The insane ramblings of an old wizard.

Today I broke up with my boyfriend whom I have been with for 3 years. It wasn't on bad terms, it's just that the whole 'love' thing wasn't really there anymore, and as such, I thought it was probably for the best... For the both of us. I had been pondering it for a while, but had never really acted on it.

I still think he's an awesome person and I will miss him very much when he's gone as I still care for him a lot. But I have to find someone better for me, and he could easily do the same.

So yeah, emo stuff, crying, etc. Not a very good day for me, hopefully things will get better later on. *Shrugs* I don't like dwelling too much on emotions and regrets, I'll just have to move on and stay optimistic! Optimism is fucking awesome.

Feel like things have been slow for the past few days. Whenever I go to sleep, I always wake up JUST a few hours short of what I actually need, which leaves me consistently feeling tired, kind of annoying.

Thinking back on what my break-up means, I realise that I'm gonna be losing a lot of videogames and a full system to boot. This really sucks, but I guess I'll have to roll with it. May 2nd is the date he leaves, and honestly, it can't come soon enough. Not because I'm not fine with him being around anymore, but because I just want it to be over with so I can move on with my life.

I really need to get back into playing videogames, everytime I look over to the right I see my SNES taunting me, it knows that I haven't been doing any gaming. IT KNOWS. The more time passes, the more strange and alien the game I was playing will seem when I start playing it once again. If too much time passes, I'll have to start over, don't want that to happen as this particular game isn't very good. Someone needs to poke me and be like ''HAI BITCH, PLAY THAT FUCKING GAME.'' And then I will play that fucking game. What are the odds of that happening though? ;D Motivation comes from oneself and all that.

It's kind of strange how I've been feeling antisociable and sociable at the same time lately. I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone, but at the same time I really enjoy talking to certain people. Honestly having a good conversation is probably the highlight of my days recently, can't happen often enough. I just want people that I can talk to mindlessly about random shit, I don't care what the topic is about, as long as it goes on and on and on and on and... You get the idea.

Wait, why am I still awake?

Michie Mich said:

Anyway, I love your journal. Keep it up.~

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Well, thanks. XD And yeah, I think that would be pretty cool. Most of my game playing tends to be singleplayer, don't get a chance to play with people very often, except for my one RL friend but he's not very 'open minded' when it comes to videogames... That is to say, he likes games, but trying to introduce a new one to him is like trying to pass a stick of butter through a brick wall. So yeah, any opportunity to play games with someone else wouldbe a welcome thing... But yeah, internet and all that, tough luck. :C

I do intend on keeping up with this damn thing though, there just hasn't been much to write lately... But I guess a post now would be justified right now, hrm.

So the fated date of ex-boyfriend departure is soon, and last night at 3:30 in the morning, I realized... I only have one day left to rearrange my sleep schedule so that it will allow me to get up at 5 in the morning. Reason being that the place where my BF is taking his plane back home is like, a 6 hour drive. Blargh.

So my genius plan (Hahahaha) to solve this problem is to stay up all night and only go to sleep sometime tommorow. By then I should be sufficiently exhausted to sleep at any hour, I think... Hopefully! I'll probably write in here reflecting on how that all worked out. (Spoilers: It probably won't.)


Last night was a great night, spent a good amount of time talking to someone that made me very happy, quite a pleasant surprise really. If you're reading this, you're awesome~ I can't wait to talk to you again, today will be a boring day without you here.


I still didn't play 'that fucking game' again. Guh. Though I have played and beaten another game entirely: Super Scribblenauts.

Having not played the original, this was my first experience with Scribblenauts, and I must say, it was kind of disappointing. Once you move past the original gimmick of 'I can spawn a bunch of crap' you realize that the game is much more restrictive than it lets on. Most stuff you could spawn serves no purpose whatsoever, the puzzles are simple and repetive, game is easy... Overall a decent experience, kind of leaning on the mediocre side. Feels like I could have gotten a much better game for 15 quids. Oh well.

I've also passed 1000 wins in League of Legends, proving that I am hopelessly addicted to a retarded online game where you do the same thing over and over again... But isn't that true of all online games? Still, if I ever end up in a mental asylum, you can be damn well sure that those 1000 wins will be somewhere on my mental profile sheet.

Ex-boyfriend is now gone. Thought I'd take it a lot harder, but for the most part I feel okay. A bit of crying was had, followed by a bit of feeling shitty... But now? I feel fine. I guess I saw it coming in advance, had already mentally prepared myself for this.

Feels weird though, room is a lot emptier now. Yep.

So, I thought everything was okay earlier, but now it's not. Everything has gone to shit, I feel like my brain hates me and I could have an emotional breakdown at any moment.

Tried to go to bed and felt that sense of overwhelming mental anguish. I'm alone in that bed now, it's just me. I'm horrified by that idea. I hadn't been 'alone' for a really long time, but now I am, it's just me, no one else.

I don't know what to do about the way I feel right now, I'm afraid there is nothing to do. Fuck. I hate feeling like this, I don't want to be emo, I want to think rationally about things, to not let my emotions control me. But I can't, it won't let me, my brain won't let me.

I can only hope that given some time, I'll get used to being alone again.... I should be able to, I guess that the way I feel right now is a pretty natural reaction. I just need time. But at this very moment in time, this very specific timeframe, I don't want to be alone, I want a hug, I want anything, a presence... And yet, I'm not gonna get anything.

I have to deal with this, by myself, hopefully putting this into words will bring me some kind of relief. The fear of being alone... Is definitely my worst fear, I didn't realise that up until now. Now I do. I know. But it's too late to turn back, I made my decision, and I have to live with it. I have too much pride to do anything else than simply live.

Optimism fails me right now. I hope it will return soon. To anyone who reads this fully, I apologize, but I needed to vent, to put this into words... And well, thanks for reading, and hopefully whoever you are, you don't think I'm a fucking wimp, because I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not.

I've stopped being emo and am quickly readjusting to life on my own. In fact, I think I might be enjoying myself better this way now... I've always been a bit of a loner, and this works out perfectly for me. Not saying that if another relationship came and hit me in the face I wouldn't take it but... It's nice to have some 'me' time sometime!

Being lazy though, still not done cleaning up the room since my ex left... I was going to do it TODAY but I only slept 4 hours and I've basically been a zombie for most of the day. Cleaning does not lend itself well to a zombified state.

In game news... Well, dicks. I've been playing League of legends still, really need to get back to playing an actual game. Not quite sure what yet though, but I'll try to get onto that soon.

Also need to start exercisizing again. And a pony.

Dear die-ary.


Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I'm trapped inside of my own mind. My obsessive nature drives me to putting all of my attention into one single thing, be it an activity, a person, etc.

The thing is, once I do that, my reason to live, to get up everyday and to do whatever it is that I do during the day, becomes nothing but 'Stuff I do until I can do X' where X is the current subject of my obsession. If subject X becomes unavailable for a certain period of time, then I start to lose motivation, feel lazy, don't really want to do anything.

To put it in simpler and slightly less creepy words, it's like whatever subject X is at the time, it's a source of energy to me. The longer I go without it, the more I start to feel sluggish, tired and slow. But once I get another dose, it's like a voltage going through my veins, starting me up again, making life fun and worth living again.

As much as I'd like 'not' to be like this, it's something that I simply cannot help, I've ALWAYS had this kind of attitude, and no matter what I do, I always will.


I have been playing 'that fucking game' again and actually making some steady amount of progress in it. That fucking game being Tecmo's secret of the stars on SNES. Awful AWFUL game, but I simply must beat it, just so that I can say I did. Like someone somewhere will be impressed that I beat one of the worst RPGs on the SNES. What are the chances of that happening huh?

Also, bought Splatterhouse on the PS3 on a bit of an impulse. I was always a huge fan of the Splatterhouse series, and I had been waiting for this one to drop within a reasonable price range before I got it. 20 bucks seemed like a decent enough price, especially since the game includes the first 3 games in full on the disc, which is worth the purchase alone.

The binding of Isaac expansion comes out tonight! Shit is so hype! That game was my favorite game of 2011, I can't stress how eager I am to play it.

As such, when it comes out, I will for all intent and purposes stop existing... Okay fine, I'll still try to reply to my RPs and stuff, but god damn. I want to play it so badly it's physically painful.

Might write a mini review of it or something for my own amusement.

So, apparently I'm having one of those phases where my sleeping is just completely screwed up and retarded.

I'll wake up after sleeping for 2 hours, then be completely unable to fall back asleep again. If I do get a 'full' night of sleep, I wake up like, 4 times during the night. I consistently need to take naps, and I always feel tired.

This shit sucks, like, fucking hell. This is so irritating that it makes me want to scream, or break something, I dunno. I just wanna sleep, fuck. ;_;

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Oh yeah, the expansion to Binding of Isaac was awesome. I already got Platinum God in it.

Sometimes, I wonder. My life as it stands is a big pile of nothing. Or at least, as far as modern society is concerned, it is. I do things, but they're things that would be considered 'right'. In that I'm not looking for a job, and it's honestly not a priority issue.

Because this is what life is all about, right? You get a job, you work tirelessly, everyday, with only a few spare hours to call yours and do whatever you wish. But then, odds are, you're too tired, either physically or mentally, to really want to do anything. Everyday where you're not working is a 'Day off work' as in it's time you have to cherish because you're not actually working your ass off.

I guess I should consider myself lucky that I live in a country that gives me money for doing absolutely nothing. It's not much, but it still allows me to live, get some things I fancy once in a while, and even save up a bit. Still, I wonder, will I always be doing this? That is, nothing.

In late august, I plan on going back to school, again. Try to get a diploma, then what? Where do I go from there? I want to tell myself that having a diploma will open doors for me, and that I'll be able to get a job that I actually 'like' doing. But really, I'm 26 years old now, and I have no work experience whatsoever to speak of. Bet that'll look good on my resume. Anyone who takes a look at it will basically be like. ''Oh hey, this guy is lazy as fuck.''

I worked, once. For a week, one week, a simple tiny week. And that week was easily one of the worst in my entire life. It was a simple job, I did the night shift at a grocery store, stocking up shelves and shenanigans... And yet, it made me fucking miserable. Whenever I was off of work, I felt like I never had time to do anything, because work was soon, or I had to go to bed so I could work tommorow. It made me irritable, quick to anger, and I'm really not that type of person. It changed my entire personality, and I hated it.

I'd love to think that I can get a job that I will actually like. Something like videogame tester comes to mind... But there's just... No motivation. Motivation has always been a serious issue to me, in all things.

Day in, day out, all I do is sit here, play videogames and laze about. I'm not saying I don't like doing that, in fact I do, I love videogames, and I always will. But will this be all I ever do? And if so... Is this wrong? Society as a whole led me to believe that it is indeed wrong. I honestly don't know what to make out of my situation.

Maybe I should see a shrink or something. But telling some random jackoff I don't know about my life problems is not something that seems especially appealing to me.

Eh, fuck it.

Today, I start a diet. I am dead FUCKING serious about this. I've been fat for way too long, and I am going to eat my way to not being fat anymore.

I'm cutting out the fatty foods entirely (snacks and so forth) and reducing my food portions drastically. I know that for the first few days it will be difficult... But eh, fuck it. I'm tired of having moobs. MOOBS.

I also need to start exercising again, something which I am pushing myself to do ~today~. Afterall, exercising would help with losing weight.

If anyone reads this and has any kind of advice for me on that front, then by all means, post and let me know what worked for you.

If there's anywhere you can go that has a swimming pool, I suggest doing that at least once a week because it exercises your whole body.

HOLY SHIT I THINK I'M ALREADY LOSING WEIGHT.

It's not much, but I stepped on the weight balance thingy and it actually pointed under 200. I have not been under 200 for as long as I can remember. Hell, I've been at around 210 before. I think it was about 197 or so, but still! Maybe it's just an illusion of some sort, maybe I didn't really lose any weight yet. (come on, it's only been four days?!) But...

I want to believe.

Congrats... you should be proud. Any achievement, big or small, is just that. An achievement.

Prouds of you! <3

Spent the last two days at my friend's place. Had fun (sort of) but indulged in some foodstuffs I probably shouldn't have. Bleeeh. Still, thanks for the words of encouragement you three, it's nice to know that someone cares that I'm doing something 'good' for once. ;D Hard to motivate myself, but I really want to keep doing this.

I get this feeling of guilt over simple things lately. It's not much, but it's an uncomfortable feeling at the back of my head. An itching. I ate bad food, I didn't exercise, I'm going to sleep too late. Simple things that shouldn't bother me as much as they do. Kind of annoying really.

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I kind of feel lonely. In all honesty, I don't miss my ex-boyfriend. But I miss having a 'presence' around me at times. Or just someone to turn to and give a hug when I feel down. Eh, I should get a cat or something. Oh wait, I can't, I'm allergic, and my current living arrangements would not allow it anyways.

I LOVE CATS, ARGH.

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Sometimes, I think on the past, on where things went wrong, on where I fucked up my life and in what aspect. I wish I could go back and kick my own ass, tell myself to stop being a douche. I don't like the past myself very much. But there's no point in dwelling in the past is there? Gotta move on. Life goes on, just gotta make the best of it. There's too much to worry about in the future to dwell on the regrets of the past. Just... Too much stuff.

The road only ever goes forward. And I can't help but wonder where the future will take me... I want to think that it will be better. But sometimes... Just sometimes, optimism fails me. I just don't know. No one knows.

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I also kind of miss having random talks that lasted for hours online. Not like, in chatrooms or whatnot, but just, with a person. It just kind of happened naturally with some people. And I realise, that unless I'm talking about videogames in some way shape or form... I make for a pretty fucking boring conversationalist. Which makes finding 'those' kind of people even more difficult. Especially on a site like this, bahaha.

Still, I met some nice enough people here. But there's only one that I really talk to 'outside' of the site. Not very much, but then again, I'm not an overly sociable person. I don't open up to others easily, and odds are, if I do end up talking to someone outside of this site, it will be random chance more than anything. Or because the person kept nagging me for it. XD

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I should probably cut this entry short, this is turning into a bunch of mental diarrhea. I'm just writing whatever comes to mind, perhaps I'm just not in the best mood tonight. Eh... Well, I guess some people 'do' read this, so it's not like this is all a waste. Plus, putting my thoughs into written form is always nice. Maybe someday I'll look back on this post and be like ''God, I used to be such a giant emo faggot.''

I hope I will.

EMO FATTY MCFATERSON.

Jk.

Just keep pushing through and stride for a better you. It's super corny and sounds like it came from one of those teen commercials, but we all hit ruts and whatnot. Just keep doing what you are doing.

Been a while since I wrote anything on here huh? I wish I had good news to write down, something, anything... But I don't.

I stopped exercising, probably because I got lazy, but I still lost 10 pounds before stopping, and as of yet, I haven't regained any of them. You can bet your ass that the second I see my weight raising by a single digit, I'm getting back on that fucking treadmill.

These days I feel... Well, I don't feel good. Which is pretty much why I'm writing here, in the vain hope that writing shit down will help make me feel better.

In short, I am lonely as fuck. Fuck having a cat, I need... Someone. But I'm not going to get that, and it's the truth that I have to live with everyday. I have about as much chance of finding someone where I live as finding a needle in a fucking haystack. This place blows major chunks, and I need to hurry up with moving already. But where? And how? Those would be easy to answer questions if I had a job.

But I don't, at least I'm going back to school at the end of this month... And honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. I'm smart, I know I'm smart, I won't have any trouble whatsoever... But it's a thing of motivation, that motivation just isn't there. Motivation for me is working towards a goal, but it has to be something that I care about... And sadly, getting a job is not something I care about. Getting a job would only be a means to 'get' to that goal.

And I know, 'finding someone/being happy' would be that goal, but that's a vague goal. I need a concrete goal, I need to know that 'someone' is waiting for me, and then I would kick my own ass. But there is no one waiting for me, no one but an uncertain 'someone' that I've yet to meet, and never might.

Been having insomnia again lately, and I go to sleep every night feeling like shit. Knowing that sleeping will be a struggle, trying to convince my body to just shut down and my brain to stop thinking. Takes a long time sometimes, and then I wake up... I've been having nightmares too, not very fun ones. Sometimes they don't make sense, but they still scare the shit out of me.

This entire post can be summed up in four words: I am not happy.

Fuck.

Michie Mich said:

Fff, I dislike this. I want you happy. <3

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Aw <3 Glad to know you're still stalking my emo journal. ;D