Embrace the Night

I've started drowning, don't know if I could sink any further. I let my heart go, it's somewhere down at the bottom, I'm hoping that I'll get a new one and try to come back for the hope that was stolen. Wondering how I am going to survive, until I remember that I have all of my strong and wonderful friends here that support me. Hahvy, DA, Anji, and Rogue - any anyone else just in case I have forgotten because of all of the chaos and emotional roller coasters.

I wanted to stop my whole world, thinking that I am not and never will be worth anything to anyone. That I will never be beautiful enough or good enough. And the person that I see reflected back at me in the mirror only made it worse, like there were two different parts of me. One that holds all the rage, all of the hurt, all of the sick bad feelings whirling inside of me. So I tell myself that I'll be strong and I try to dream of the day for when they're gone. Wishing for someone special that I can call mine. Where I can laugh again, sing again, love again. Try again (and you all know what I mean by this).

I don't know what I should do, if I need to lose myself in order to find myself. Because there isn't anyone here that wants to find me. I want to run away, find a sweet escape, but all I can try to do is push forward and hope, pray, dream that maybe a better tomorrow will come.

Can you understand what it is like to choke on tears that won't fall? Trying so desperately not to scream that the pressure of it is suffocating. Where every inhale is a new pain and you feel something inside of yourself die a million times over, but you can do nothing because you know it had to be done. It makes you so sick inside that this pain is something to be deserved. And then you stop and you wonder how someone would ever willing do this and get rid of a new life when all you've ever wanted, needed, and desires is to create one of your own. The anger is slowly turning into rage, the jealousy is clawing away at me until I feel like I'm bleeding from it and the envy of those who have what I want most and take it for granted is turning and pushing the dagger in further.

You know that there is no one to blame, that its an act of fate, and yet it still eats away and everything living inside of you and you just want to shut down. You want to turn it off. You want to shred every dream and false hope that was a flame burning like a beacon of hope. And you never want to try again, even though you know that eventually you are going to. It would have been so much better not to know, not to have to wake up every morning and look at this changed body that provided you with nothing but a soul crushing heartache in the end. You are afraid to be alone because you don't know what you might do, while at the same time you need your space from the rest of the world to just try to comprehend the agony of this loss.

Finally the tears fall fast like a waterfall into a rushing river and you can barely breathe through the pain even when you know that it was for the best and that a new future and possibilities will await you. Its... it's just so hard to keep on believing and hoping and wishing.

People who are used to living their lives searching for a meaning in everything tend to suffer more. Some deeds we just have to do without asking, some fears are just overcame by lying, some promises just have no meaning. So, the way out that's left to us is defying mourning by pretending it's not there. Every learning process demands some sacrifice, so we should see suffering as a part of our personal evolution. That even though we live to learn how to face pain, we never really free from it. It's hard when we can't decipher what's on somebody elses mind, and yet we're sure it's something about us. Happiness is too weak so it's got to be taken care of every day. When you look at old pictures and cannot feel the happiness you had when you took them. Everything begins to die when we no longer regard these moments as eternal, even though we have always known nothing is. When we can imagine something dead, this thing is already dying. As it always happens, from an unexpected place comes another promise of happiness, and you feel able to hope again. These are some of the priceless moments we should keep in our minds as long as we live. It talks about the fear of failing again. But the sense of having achieved a higher ground makes us overcome this fear, and try to pick up the pieces and build another future with a clean spirit, on another moon. Because every word is right, when said to the right listener.

I just had to remind myself.

It is senseless to me how cruel people can be, how pathetic and vulgar in their pursuit to self-righteousness and self-satisfaction. You think that you have won, but you are wrong. You lost the battle the moment that you wrote that indignation. What you really proved to all of us, is that at our very core of the people here she is the heart. The pulse, the beat that keeps us alive and together, happy. Each day she finds a new way to move us, to motivate, support, and encourage us. She is a strong, beautiful, intelligent, and kindhearted woman. You can try to tear her down with words, break her apart with your illusion, mistrust, and own inadequacies. Yet, what you failed to realize is the fact that she will learn from this, make it through this pain, and come back better than before. Why? Because there are so many people here that love her and that are waiting for her, silently and not-silently supporting her.

An emotion for someone is something that can be displayed whether or not you have met them in the flesh, face to face, or online, through the phone. Emotion in and of itself is a living and breathing thing that defines us as being human. We are resilient - when we are knocked down we are able to withstand it and stand back up again. That is the very definition of what it means to live, to fall and stand back up over and over and over again. When we are bruised and broken and defiant against the fate that has fallen upon us, we fight back, we stand up, we find another reason to move forward and move on. When you love someone, you open yourself up to suffering, that's the sad truth. Maybe they'll break your heart, maybe you'll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable. That's the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens that allow us to fly.

People say that we only live once. But people are as wrong about that as they are about everything. Each day is a new life, a new experience, and a new growth.