A cry from a stranger

RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

Even though I'm attracted to women myself, I vowed to never get into a relationship with one. I almost fell for someone last month, who claimed to be lesbian, but she ended up dating a guy despite the chemistry and display of affection we showed each other. She was actually the girl I was talking about in my above post. I hate when people call themselves something, when clearly they are not. If you are attracted to men, you're bisexual. Lesbians to me are people who don't date men period.

She was only lesbian when it was convenient for her, basically.

Nonetheless, all I seek is a friendship and I don't care about sexuality, although I'm starting to wonder if lesbians would make better friends than straight or bi chicks.

RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

I'm a bi-chick. XD

But I tried that train once. Never again.

RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

It makes me sad knowing that I started this journal to only post happy things and yet I'm not being happy in the past few entries.

I try to be gung ho and positive because no one really wants to read depressive journal entries, but sometimes I feel like I'm at a boiling point. Even so, I know better not to air any dirty laundry anywhere.

I am really jealous of the people who have so many friends, but can still talk about all their problems and complain to holy hell. I have a few people like that on my fetlife, my facebook...When I did that, people just avoided me, or they shunned me.

I feel like I'm slowly going insane with no place to vent...but when I'm offered to vent to a stranger, I clam up, remembering the days where I was betrayed because I trusted the wrong person with personal details of my life. I don't know. I'm hanging in there, but the mood swings have begun, where I simply want to curl into a ball and hold myself. I can't talk to my friends. I can't talk to my own boyfriend, who I plan to break up with soon. I can't talk to my family. I can't talk to people who I don't trust.

So I guess I have to suck it up and continuing smiling...like I always do.

RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

Life is slowly getting better for me. I did end up finding a full time job after a year and a half, but for the past three days I've been on call. I can't move out of my sisters house yet, because I don't know how much this will happen and if I'd be able to live on my own at this point in time. I probably will have to find a roommate or two so I can afford living on my own, but I don't trust anyone.

The only person I considered told me I can't have a cat. I hate being told what to do.

On the bright side, I spent all of my days off with my new boyfriend. While he may not be the most understanding he was better than my ex before who was a grown 28 year old man who was capable of understanding the adult problems I have. This one is 19, he's still pretty much a boy and knows nothing of adulthood, and while I didn't get into the relationship wanting to change him his mother wishes for me to push him subtly in the right direction so he can become more of a..well a man.

Otherwise, he treats me well, although sometimes having a lapse in judgement when he opens him mouth to say things. Some people are like that though where they don't mean to say something rude, or in their mind it isn't. It's happened a few times, but I understand. I try not to get too offended, because I know I'm oversensitive at times.

By the way, if anyone knows what Pathfinder is, I would gladly like to play a game with you. We are looking for more people to play with, since my current party is driving me insane.

RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

So sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be happy. When I'm not working, I'm depressed. When I am working, I am depressed. I'm just generally depressed whenever I am not talking to people. I recall when I was younger all I wanted was to be surrounded with people who were my friends, people that can make me happy.

Well, it will never be that way.

I have a few good friends, and by good I mean they're at least there. I can't talk to them about anything, they're my age so that means they're pretty much clueless. Again, this makes me wish that I had some friends who were females.

I can't quit my job. They pay is fine, but the number it does to my body and my mood...I know what path this is going to lead down to. Like my last job, I will start to open my eyes every day and wish that I was still asleep dreaming. That coupled with the fact that I can't talk to anyone about it will slowly start to wear me down until I become sick again.

I don't know if its the type of work I'm doing or if it's just me. What if my depression is so crippling that I will have to start taking medicine for it? I look at my mom and see how much she depends on those pills...I don't want to turn into that. I have been on medication before and it sucked, I gained a lot of weight and generally felt worse so I stopped taking it. The other thing is, I can't join the air force if my depression is actually depression, the thing that has to be treated.

I don't want that. I really don't. But sometimes I wonder why the only thing that makes me happy is the warmth and approval of another human being.

I wish I had a mother. I wish I had someone supportive of me that I talked to all the time. Just someone who would be willing to comfort me. I think that might be the reason why I'm like this...I just never had parents or family that were willing to be there for me. I was always there for them, though.

Whenever I had issues, everyone just judged me.

Hey, I know we don't really talk but you can always PM me about what's buggin' you. I know I'm rough around the edges, but I'll be honest with you and sincere.

Thank you. I can't tonight because I need to do errands but I will whenever I have free time.

It's all good. Just drop me a PM whenever. =]

I don't know if I feel better or worse. I haven't been to work in a week and I don't feel as depressed, but at the same time I start to worry about if I'm ever going to become self sufficient without a good job. My sister is already yelling at me to get another job, and sending me applications to restaurants and whatever she can manage to dig up on craigslist. She doesn't care where its located, she expects me to use up all my gas money to apply for a damn job that thirty or forty other people are applying for.

My body can't handle the stress of jobs where you have to do a lot of standing. I told her that and she told me that I had to earn a job that you got to sit down, and in the mean time I should deal with being in pain for eight hours a day. She used that stupid excuse that all of my family had to go through it and so can I. Well most of them can barely stand for ten minutes let alone eight hours.

I want to go to school and get certified for some kind of desk or admin job. I'm so good at typing it would be practically nothing to do data entry or clerical work. I am tired of working a job and coming home, barely able to move because of all the standing I did that day. My current job I can barely handle, but at least there are times when I can kneel down when I have to clean something near the floor.

Sigh. I am tired of living with my sister. I appreciate what she has done for me, but she's so insensitive. Sometimes I find myself wondering what she would do if she were ever in my shoes. She acts like getting a job is so easy, but it's not.

So things are going better. I'm still wracking my brain on how to move out of my house, but things are going better none the less. I have a new job as a night auditor. It's a damn good job where it doesn't stress my body and barely stresses my mind. If I can get another part time job I'd have no problem living on my own, but I've barely worked here. it will be a month soon.

Once my life finally mellows out I can go back doing what I love, which is roleplaying. My boyfriend is super vanilla and doesn't like roleplaying so it will eventually become neccesary when I get sexually frustrated. The other night I realized that I need to let go of the last roleplayer I fell in love with, and push all the roleplays we had ever done out of my head. I still think about them to this day, but my mind still tries to evade him. If he were alive today, what would he say to me?

Anyways, I hope things only get better from here. While my days are still lonely I know that they are only so because I stopped getting on roleplaying forums.