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A cry from a stranger

Star Pupil

Old soul
Joined
Apr 30, 2011
Location
Valhalla
I figured I would make a journal so people would know what's up with me.

My in and out of chat is simply because I've been in the worst of moods lately and when I feel better about myself I will come back. ^^

I've never liked making a public Omega of myself, and I've been trying very hard not to. But because I've been in a bit of a rut, anyone who makes an Omega of themselves and is rewarded for it gets me down to their level, which is not acceptable.

When I'm feeling better to the point where no one elses insecurities affects mine, then I shall come back, but until then I remain scant.

Feel free to post love in here, I need all I can get at this point.
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

Posts LOTS & LOTS & LOTS & LOTS & LOTS & ... & LOTS & LOTS & LOTS & LOTS ... of love. <3

Sorry you're feeling down, sweetie. Just know you have people here who are in your corner and wishing the best for you. We know the wonderful person you are and love that person to pieces!

*hugs*
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

Oooh, I found my journal.

I am glad to be back here. This place has been the closest thing to a home that I've had in a long time. I keep disappearing because of the stress of life, and well things are just on pause for me. I can tell now, that it will be put a play really soon. I have opportunities now, and I need to seize them before they slip away.

I like that they took the rating thread system out. That was kind of annoying.

Anyways, I have missed so much with me being gone that I don't know where everyone is anymore. I hope I see them again.

I apologize to RoryN and the others that I was rping with.
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

*hugs BD*
Hey, sweetie! So glad to see you back and posting! And yeah, the rating system irked me. So, well... err... it's gone. lol. >.<

Anyway, Happy New Year and I wish you luck with the opportunities coming your way. No doubt you'll seize them and flourish! Glad you're back. Missed ya! <33333
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

So, I'm back again, and despite my constant claiming that I WILL be active again, I keep flopping out of Bluemoon. I'm here again, licking my wounds and trying to desperately find people I can talk to, since the person that I had occupied myself with for the past few months barely wants anything to do with me. He says that he still wants to be their for me, but the thing is, I did something really stupid.

It all began three long years ago. Three long years ago I had terrible self esteem and I wanted to know what it felt like for people to stop and tell me how pretty I looked. I used someone elses photos for this time period, and I never admitted to that. It wasn't here or on my roleplaying site...No, I knew that there was a really high chance that I would fall for someone on roleplaying sites because I've always followed that pattern. So I was pretty sure I could distance myself from people on this site filled with what seemed to be..not my type.

So, here I was three years ago, basking in affection that wasn't mine, that was for the person I had impersonated. And I did it for a year or so before I stopped putting up pictures...because I had run out. And because I felt bad for lying to everyone. But, I still wanted to hold onto that username, that affection that didn't belong to me. I never told anyone that it wasn't me, I let them continue to think they knew what I looked like.

And then, I found him. Well, he had always been around. But that he, was a she at the time, and when he confessed that he wasn't really a she, well I didn't believe it. He had happened to come out on April Fools day, so I had went about a year not believing it. And then I asked him one day straight up if he was a girl. He answered no, and gave me a picture.

Okay, no big deal.

See, we had always been kind of together on the forums, but I had always bossed him around because it was a bit of a joke between the two of us, that I was superior because of my position on the mod ladder, and he was at the lowest point while I was one point away from being an admin. But, when I lost that position, and my life had been growing darker and darker, he stayed there for me, and defended me.

We grew tired of that site and moved onto the next, but we continued to be harassed. Especially because, it was common knowledge that at this point we had gotten together. I didn't want to at first...I knew that he thought I was someone that I wasn't, but I still didn't have the balls to end my three year lie....and confess she wasn't me. He was in the same position I had been, as a mod, but they had removed him from that just like they did to me. And we finally got sick of the drama, the bullshit, and left together.

He had bought me an Xbox at this point, and all we did was play Halo together, but sometimes we stopped playing and just talked for hours, and then it slowly transitioned form Xbox live to over the phone. The relationship became more serious, as I fell deeper and deeper in love with this man, knowing that I couldn't be with him because I couldn't end this lie...I fought with myself over it in the course of this three months we were dating. He loved what I looked like, and it killed me inside knowing that he probably wouldn't be into what I really looked like.

Then one day we talked about secrets, and he told me something he had never told anyone else in his life. And then said he didn't deserve me because he was a liar. A terrible person. And I laughed and told him that I had done something far worse than he did, in terms of lying. See, I had always felt a connection with him because he had done what I did, and pretended to be someone else that he wasn't, he just never shared any pictures like I did. So when he convinced me to tell him that deep dark secret of mine, the one that tortured my conscious for the past three years...the one that warped my sense of who I really was...what reality I lived in, I knew at this point I was tired. I was tired of lying and watching my back. I was tired of hurting the one I loved.

He promised me that no matter what it was that he wouldn't leave me. I told him it was possible that this would make or break our relationship. He still told me that he would never leave me. No matter what he loved me. And I broke...I told him everything. He laughed and said it was no big deal. But, deep down I knew.....

That night was fine, we fell asleep happy together. But the next day...something was off...and he started apologizing to me and he told me that he was a bad person. This was after I gave him a picture of what I really looked like, and he was silent...that was when I really knew something was wrong.

I didn't expect to be rewarded for my lying. I wanted him to be mad. But he kept blaming himself and saying that he was horrible. He blamed himself, and he's still doing it. He was trying to stay with me, he didn't want to admit to himself that he was shallow. Then, after a very long night, I asked him if he would stay with me or not. He kept saying I don't know. But I forced him to pick. He said we were over.

And here I am now...

I am used to being rejected or ignored because of my appearance. I stopped going on fetlife and posting pictures here because I always felt that I was inferior to all the other beautiful woman. I told myself I wouldn't do it anymore until I dropped my weight and grew out my hair(which is going very well by the way). Then I could finally be what I always wanted to be.. noticeable to the opposite gender.

...And now I have managed to convince myself that if I do these things, I can face him with pride and maybe we'd have a chance together again.

I had gone so many years watching people that I had feelings for choose someone much thinner, sexier, and generally better than me. I was always freinds zoned, and I had settled for a lot of things in my life after I lost my virginity. I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore this year. I don't want to have sex with just anyone who will show me affection.

It's time that I start respecting myself, and I am working on getting my body to wear it deserves to be. Because I know that who I really am, isn't what I see in the mirror.
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

I feel like I should add this.

My name, Beautiful Disgrace....

People always wondered why I chose it, and I could never admit this to them, or even myself.

I am beautiful, but..what I have done to myself over the years, it's disgraceful. I never took care of myself. I will continue to to use this screen name until I redeem myself.

EDIT:

Thanks DA. -hugs back-
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

you've been through a lot *hugs and gives love* we've all got masks that we put on for life. some hiding more then others.

you, are not, ugly. if people say you are, ignore them, and be proud that you aren't as much of an ass as them. do take things to make yourself feel better, but don't do something because you want to fit in. you'll find your own little niche, your own life, and someone else to love. and when you do, you'll know that it's right.
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

So I lost around nine pounds so far....and I'm excited to dip under the, dare I say it, 280s. It's been a while since I've seen 270, let alone anything under 2 period. I carry all the weight well, at least people say that, but that's a curse. I was afraid that one day I would hit 300+ and I wouldn't even know it. If I could lose at least sixty pounds, I can enroll into the military, which would help me learn to keep the weight off since its dropping solely because I have been mass calorie cutting/starving myself.

I'm doing a lemon detox as well, and that should bring me down about ten more pounds. I'd be very happy if it did. Then I can see another number I've been dying to see because it was my average weight in high school. But, I won't stop there. I want to see a one in the next two years. I don't think that's too much to ask, losing 70 pounds in two years. If I ever dipped below 200, which I haven't done in seven or eight years, I would never be able to go back. Just thinking about myself at that weight makes me all tingly.

I know I can do it.
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

Congrats on the 9 pounds! Losing weight can be a struggle and I applaud your efforts to better yourself. So long as you remember to be happy and constantly approve of what you see in the mirror, no matter what wieght you are at in the process. I love that last phrase. Keep thinking that way and encourage yourself through it.
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

Thank you. ^_^

I'm starting to think that caffeine is a really good appetite suppressant, and it cheers me up. I've been wondering why I haven't been as up lately and its because I took out soda, which was the main source of my caffeine. I'm going to look for some good Iced Coffee recipes since I refuse eating out anymore and the prepackaged Starbucks Frappucinos can get ridiculous in price.

Today hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be, even though things between me and my ex are shaky. Everyone tells me that I should leave him alone since he left me because of my appearance, but there are other things that are bothering me. But, I suppose I'm just making excuses from him.

I'm trying to watch anime to distract myself from how lonely I feel. Can't play my Xbox very well because I always see him on it. Maybe I'll start roleplaying again as well. Reading RoryN's rp made me wanna. :p
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

Congrats, BD. Still beautiful regardless and you know I mean that. Just do be careful with your methods... take it from someone who's traversed a very dangerous path there. Also, best to not starve yourself more to just change the foods you eat. You may have to cut a bit in terms of quantity, but if you're starving, something is wrong. Plus... when you starve yourself, you place your body into survival mode and then it will have a tendency to actually store fat when you do eat. This is why people who diet put weight right back on when they stop the starving. But, you're smart and such... just being typical me and worrying about everyone. >.< Regardless, I wish you luck and am proud of you so far. I know you can achieve your goals and I know you'll look beautiful every step of the way. *hugs* <333
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

Thanks for the advice, DA.

My body is weird. I have lost weight eating nothing but baked goods before. When I do eat, I make sure to eat something that doesn't have much fat. So I am changing the way I eat(reason why I refuse to eat out).

The problem with going healthy though is the price, so I literally have to go hungry to meet my food budget for the month. It sucks. >.<
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

You're welcome, sweetie. <3

Honestly, the reason baked good probably worked was because of the carbs. If all you take is carbs a strange sort of cycle begins... the carbs gives you fast energy and then typically turns into fat after your body expends what's needed. BUT... if you take in nothing else, your body will need to burn the fat in order to survive. See, kind of weird how that works.... it also tends to give you strange adrenaline rushes too. I know... more odd. >.< But it's good you're trying to change what you can. And oh yeah... I get how expensive some of those healthier foods can be. It's almost a conspiracy really. I do suggest increasing the fruit and veggie intake. They can sometimes trick the body into feeling like a meal is done because of the simple carbs they contain. Plus they're tasty and full of nutrients. XD Yay for being nerdy!

But regardless, good to hear you're doing what you can to approach things in the right way. I know it's hard with money and all. But you have me and a lot of others cheering you on. No doubt you'll be able to reach your goal. <3
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

Everyone cheering me on is just encouraging me more. <3

I'm so close...So close to 279....I lost three more pounds yesterday(go figure, maybe all I needed was to cut out my snacking) and I'm 280....

I can't wait until tomorrow...I know they say its bad to weigh yourself everyday but I am too excited to do it every week.
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

Well fuck.

I'm kind of sad that I keep dropping off the face of the earth each and every month, but it can't be helped.

My quest to lose weight came to an abrupt end when I realized that there was no way in hell I could get back together with my ex, not even as a friend. And I focused my energy on something more productive, like finding a place to live. I succeeded in that, but I'm still looking to be employed somewhere so I won't be a burden to my new boyfriend.

Funny, its barely been two months since my last relationship fell apart, but it felt like an eternity of being alone. Still, I try my best not to depend solely on having a relationship to be happy and I feel that I had a decent break between getting together with someone else. And this time he lives where I do. I'm very happy with him but I don't want to move too fast.

He makes me happy though, and unlike my last boyfriend he is extremely attracted to me and makes me feel like I'm gorgeous. I know that I am, but it was tough sometimes without a reminder. <3
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

Thanks Hahvy. <3

I'm afraid that I've turned into a self hating abomination.

Mostly because I'm starting to develop that complex that sixteen year old nerdy boys get when no girl will ever go out with them. You know, the "Women are shallow and stupid, and can't see a good guy when one is right in front of her." Replace guy with girl, and you get what I constantly think every day when I wonder why its so damn hard to connect with girls around here. No, not even around here, but PERIOD.

I have 45 Xbox friends, and two of them are females. Both of which claim to be lesbian(I don't know about one girl but I'm sure the other one isn't because all of a sudden she has a boyfriend and ever since she's been ignoring me to an extent). The other girls I meet on Xbox either ignore me, leave when they hear my voice, or they hate me for no reason.

I have gone through countless scenarios trying to figure out why I'm so likeable to guys but females ignore me. There was even one point where a female convinced me that the only reason why guys like my company is because I have a vagina and I'm slutting around on them to seduce them. That wasn't the case however, mostly because I ran into several females trying to use the fact that they were "Guuuuuuuuurl gamers" when in fact they were simply sluts with a controller. There was a difference between me and them, they did nothing but whine when playing the game and flirt whenever they found an opening. When questioned about their knowledge in video games they would come up short, not knowing what anything was. It was clear what they were there for, the attention of men, which I wouldn't have a problem with if they weren't just cock teases.

No, it has nothing to do with my sex appeal, mainly because I'm usually friend zoned anyway and labeled as one of the guys, which doesn't really bother me but meh. It's more that I have a personality that guys can easily bond with, and I have lost some "friends" because of this fact. As they get jealous when their boyfriends or guys they like can hold a conversation with me for more than five minutes. Does this mean I think I'm awesome. Actually, yes, it does. I know that I'm a really cool person that's almost compatible with anyone willing to give me a chance.

BUT FEMALES REFUSE TO GIVE ME A CHANCE. As soon as they hear the minor differences I have between opinions, like say, yaoi, they basically ignore me because I'm not considered interesting enough for them. I'm pretty shy, I'm afraid of rejection, I stay quiet because a long time ago I was considered loud and annoying to all the girls at school and I can no longer get excited like I used to. People label me as a robot simply because I'm afraid to express myself in fear of persecution. Not to mention, I try to keep myself out of the way as I have gone through a past of constantly being the subject of drama, and it absolutely tears me apart these days, online and in real life. But despite these things, when I feel comfortable around someone I open up to them and I become a really cool person.

I listen to you, I try to understand you, I open up to you when you open up to me. I bond a lot faster with someone who doesn't keep secrets from me, but women are the epitome of hush hush rumor rumor talk. Even if it's not about me, it's still annoying hearing someone constantly complain about someone else passive aggressively but not revealing any information about why they feel that way. It baffles me how people would rather use statuses on facebook to vent rather than going to a good friend(Like me) and letting whatever they feel off their chest. You don't have to tell me any names, I don't care about that and I don't want to take sides, but at least I'm here to listen.

The fact that I don't understand women and vocalize that, infuriates them even more. They're convinced that I'm pulling an act, that I'm only pretending to be this way so that I relate to men more. Newsflash, there are certain things that I can't talk about with men, they're not good with comforting, supporting, they're men. I can talk to them about everything except feelings, and I have a lot of them, and since I refuse to bitch and moan on my statuses about how terrible life can get, I bottle up these feelings. Even if I did use statuses as a medium, no one would comment because no one would understand or know what to say, because again my best friends are all male.

I don't understand why I have such a bad time finding girls that make me feel...good about myself. The one time I did, as soon as she gets a boyfriend we stop hanging out...and she doesn't treat me the way she used to. One of the things I want to do, is make everyone feel like they have a friend. I truly believe that more people would be happy if they have at least one person they felt they can talk to about anything. I bend over backwards accommodating the people I'm proud to call friend. But for once, I'd like the favor to be returned by a female instead of being used until the next best thing comes along. I want to find a girl that understands how much I've been hurt in the past by other girls, and not judge me for it. Instead, reach out to me and let me know I can trust you and you'll never throw me away like garbage.

Maybe I'm just a terrible person. I don't know.
 
RE: BD's journal(Of Love)

Eh, I used to get fucked around with by chicks and have found(in my opinion) that very few are worth my time and effort. I hate to say it (not really) But unless I have really good friends who are chicks, I usually just see them as cock bait. They are nice to look at and usually only good for sex. I'm not saying this is the case with all women, but in my experience, most are just out to use whoever is available to get whatever they want. However, the same can be said about guys.

But I'm like you in that I get along more with guys. I get tired of the needless drama that can be brought up when I end up in a group of my chick friends. It's funny though..because I end up being "the guy" of the group.
 
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