Dancing With Myself, and other things I shouldn't do...

" Lies, lies I say! " - Speaks for some reason with an accent.
I'm not all that wonderful.
I simply have a way with words.

And sometimes it really does help to get your thoughts and emotions out some place for others to listen.
A moderator by Darkangel on here taught me that.
I've had my highs and lows.
We all do.
Each are hard or overly joyful. Just different strokes for different blokes.

Ever need someone to vent towards, I've been known to be a good punching bag.
Just not in the face or 'gentleman's sausage' please.

Oh before I let the door hit my arse on the way out...
You're a wonderful person yourself and you know it.
The emotions you hold show this. The fact you're caring and concerned about your friend give you this strength.
As trust and being open like a canvas... meh...
I'm sure one or two people watch me ever day... making sure I don't do anything wrong. ( not paranoia I swear! )

In short I'm sure you're powerful ability to weave creative and alluring works of story will undoubtedly lead you to a nice point. If not you can always screw up and become the next Shakespeare.

Hi, Cosmic. Just had to comment and give you many many hugs. I give you major props for dealing with a lot of that stuff. And even more for handling it the way you did. Seriously, I don't think many would handle such things with the maturity you did.

Also, yes... hiddenvet is teh awesome! He knows I adore him! hehe. And anyone who's a friend of his is most definitely a friend of mine.

Another thing.... I ADORE Tori Amos. XD

~"I took the poloroid down from my room, I'm pretty sure you have a new girlfriend..."~

Oh, thanks D.A. that is extremely kind of you. I'll admit, I'm probably one of the most immature people out there, but you have to be the bigger man in front of kids. I'm not going to teach my little brother violence, both verbal and physical. Kindness is a lot more fun for a little kid to have anyway. And btw, it is SO NICE to actually meet someone who knows who tori is, let alone is a fan. She's one of my guilty pleasures. Musically.

Not much of a post today, just feeling a bit depressed and random (as unrequited love can do to a person) But none the less, I am going to try for at least one post everyday. no matter how sucky. >_> But I am feeling a bit creative right now, so I figure that I'll jot this little poem thing down while it's in my head, and maybe write something on this later.

I remember your laugh, don't you?
A simple pleasing sound, caught with the comfortability of my hand in yours
Well, nobody said this was easy,
Worlds apart and separated by a pretty skinny girl.
Nobody said this was fun,
Unrequited love is a little less glamorous outside of a novel.

And you said I wasn't your type,
But your lips kissed mine all the same.
I said I wasn't going to fight against you,
But I'm arguing all the same.
I don't know why you smile the way you do,
A singular feminine act, hidden under all your toughness.
I don't know why I cry like I do,
A singular childish act, in front of all my punk rock.

But I know we are both tired of trying,
And your company is a little too much sunshine in my pit of darkness.
Cause you know, emo types like me can only complain.
But I guess we have some memories to visit...
Like my little kitten you got me on our first date.

I'll miss you,
Even if I'm the one who hangs up on you.
I'll think of you,
Even though I said fuck you.
Cause that's what happens I guess.
When you are unrequited outside of a novel.​

~"...It's not as if I don't like you, it just makes me sad whenever I see it."~ Kimya Dawson, Tire Swing

~"She has me like a Pisces when I am weak. I've been locked inside your heart-shaped box, four whole weeks..."~

So not much been kicking around in my head. I posted a start of a story here as I decided that I didn't want to put stories in this thread, and poetry too was a tad bit on the "no" side of things. Looking for a job in this economy sucks balls....and it's consuming most of my time. I don't want to bitch on anything or turn this into a political soapbox, but I am just very unhappy at the current way everything is working and I'm seriously considering getting a switchblade and hitch-hiking to Canada. Then again, with no friends, no money, and no job I doubt I would make it far in Canada even though the social view on the Queer community and women is astronomically better than anything here in the U.S.

I don't know what it is about me. I seem to be always searching for greener grasses and at the same time I don't want to get up and do it. That's a special kind of stupid I think. Ugh. Probably need money to see yet another shrink for that one. Speaking of greener grasses, shoot me.
Normally I don't give much into the whole "love at first sight" bullshit. (Look where it got Romeo and Juliet, Cosmic. Horny teenagers who get married young, die young.) But when I met Cee two years ago, I knew I was in trouble.

Cee was the first person I met in this tiny little "extremely-far-right-Jesus-is-the-lord-god-hates-fags-repent-sinner-for-your-punk-rock-music" town who was, like me. Although s/he identified as a lesbian, s/he also considered herself genderless. It helped that s/he was a year older than me, and I will openly admit--older partners are sexier partners But in any case, over the course of a year I fell hopelessly in love, and it annoyed me to no end her constant online relationships (that are fake 99% of the time) or the occasional lesbian who, due to some sorry stance, had to come to our town. What annoyed me most though, was the fact that we did have something, and she just refused to acknowledge it. I had what I think call the "Good guy" disease. The thing where the girl of your dreams, who you know you have amazing chemistry with, refuses to act on it, or knocks you down because you are such good friends? Yeah, that. Story of my fucking life.

But the thing is, in between her relationships, and mine, we were somewhat together, hanging out a lot, making out too...it was just never in name so it "didn't matter" but I got a call a couple days ago from her, talking about how shes back together with her ex, an evil evil bitch who should choke on her own bullshit, and how happy she is.

And people wonder why I pull away.

I don't know, I was one of those stupid people who believed that once I hit 18 and got out of high school that all this bullshit would stop. Sadly though, bullshit is like energy, it just changes form. >_>

But in any case, I guess I need to quit chasing after greener grass and just find some fucking miracle grow to use around here. Cause not only would it be cheaper, but well, it would probably keep my sanity a little longer than not.

~"I've been drawn into your magnet-tar pit trap. I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black."~ Nirvana, heart-Shaped-Box.

~"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."~ His Holiness, The Dali Lama.


Can't argue with that dear sir. Not at all.

Sometimes if I feel like I have to throw up I listen to this song.
[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQtCOXJsmBM&feature=related[/video]

















That normally makes it a lot easier to puke and then feel better

Awh when times where different.

*finds nearest toilet *

~"Where do I put the shame?, it feels like a broken toy I can't play with anymore. Where do I put the hate?, to a pixilated screen I can't watch anymore..."~

Lol. Well...I could argue that times are still very much like that, simply less obvious. Anyway, political opinions aside....
Or well, no, lets talk some tics here cause right now I'm kinda pissed off.
However before I continue, if I offend you, my deep sincere apologies. Now, put on your big unisex panties, and go away. Opinions don't hurt anything and if I disagree with you--just agree to disagree. Mmkay?

No, not talking anything particularly controversial really, just mentioning how fucking hard it is to get a job in this god damn economy. Particularly when you aren't a college grad (yet) nor are you in college (yet). I'm trying to get in a community program where I will get not only free training, but a lot of decent job experience beyond "fry cook". Well not only is it free but they pay me $20 a day for going to a program that would cost me about an arm and a leg, if not my first born to take regularly. Yet there is always a butt to things like this.

I'm not a fifteen year old, single mother, drug addict*, without a GED. I have a high school diploma. And on the record books my mother obviously makes SOOO MUCH money that I shouldn't need help.

((I say drug addict loosely since I am no longer using. I have the addictive personality and all, but I have it bound and gagged in the basement currently))

--There is no place on the fucking application to mention medical bills, two mortgages, and twelve years of credit card debt.

To give the system it's due, I'm not denying that there are other people that totally need more help than me. I'm not saying those single mothers don't deserve all the help that they can get, and I know very well that if I was to get in that there would be one woman out there that was more qualified who got left out. I get it. I feel guilty and I haven't even been accepted yet. But don't I deserve to have the system work in my favor sometimes too? I barely scraped through high school, and if it wasn't for the fact that I got a few lucky brakes from a few exceptional teachers, I wouldn't have graduated on time. In any case, I'm nervous I wont qualify, and I'm going to have to go into fast food.

Which, a job is a job, I get it--I just have enough body issues without being surrounded by junk food everyday. I have too many problems with food. I doubt I could even do waitressing.
/rant.

Well, okay. Not too political. I'm avoiding political party bullshit because I don't really buy into them. But that's a discussion for a whole 'nother post. ANYWAY...

Other than the aforementioned, life is pretty okay. I took my brother swimming day before yesterday, got to laugh at all the stupid girls tanning and being divas as I played "jellyfish racing" with my little six year old man. I think it's partially out of envy though. I don't tan. Some people can, and some people tan after they burn--I'm just a lobster or I'm liquid paper white. I'd make a good goth, but I lack the eyeliner application skills. (I do however rock at the poetry aspect, and I love The Crow, Nine Inch Nails, Marylin Manson, Jhonen Vasquez, and I'm a fan of The Cure.) Tanning diva girls just irritate me. Maybe it's because I have five older brothers, maybe it's cause I'm a feminist, who knows, but I think that there is something fundamentally wrong with thirteen year old girls thinking that they need to tan. Why not climb a tree and catch lizards if you don't want to get wet?

--I'll just come out and say I blame Twilight for this.

I just know that Potato and I had fun and I tanned a little bit (wearing my 50 spf sunblock if you can believe it) so now I look like a normal white person as opposed to a dead one, in some places

I think I'm rambling.
In any case, been fun!
Cosmic, signing off *salutes then does chicken dance*

~"All I know is that I'm here, drifting somewhere in the vast."~ V.A.S.T. (Visual, Audio, Sensory, Theatre), Here.

[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9vfsj3SaTk[/video]

Rather than quote a lyric or two, I really feel that the above song needs to be heard in order to be felt. What is it for? Well...I'm not very happy today. Which is not to say that I'm angry, but for lack of better terminology lets just go with "upset."

Why are you upset Cosmic? I'm upset because today decided to trample on what was left of that squishy pink organ I'm dumb enough to keep in the pocket of my jeans. No, not my spleen, but the one poets write about all the fucking time, the one that is all lovey-dovey? That thing. That monster. That thing that shouldn't really exist in humans, cause god(ess) knows most of us don't listen to it when we should.

What I mean is, I have this quaint little ability allow people to contact me, who I shouldn't keep in contact with. One example of this, is my ex-boyfriend, who from hence forth will be called "Satan." Now before I continue, let me just say, that everyone woman (I can't speak for the men) has dated Satan. Satan may be male, or female, doesn't matter. Satan is that significant other that either A) breaks all of your rules B) is what taught you that you need rules or C) all of the above. I met Satan when I was fourteen, and I was dumb enough to date him when I was fifteen.

The thing about Satan, is that for some unknown reason, he always felt the need to compliment me right before stabbing me in the gut. For example:

"Ohh Cosmic you look so beautiful today. Sometimes I just think of how much more beautiful you would look if you were a little thinner."

Dick move right? Something that any person in my shoes, would and should, kick him in the nuts for right? Well I didn't. I stopped eating for a while, but I didn't. Hindsight is twenty-twenty but when you are a fifteen year old girl who is starved for any kind of attention or affection, you do stupid things. Putting up with Satan was one of them. It didn't help that he was eighteen, "cool" and bought me pills when I was afraid I stole too many from my family.

He was my first "boy" everything, and really the girl I was then drank up all that attention he lavished on me like it was an oasis in a desert. Even the negative attention. I've learned a lot of things in life, to a point where sometimes I don't feel like I should be eighteen, but rather in my thirties, but I think the biggest thing I figured out was that love doesn't happen much. Not to say it doesn't exist, but it only shows up when you are ready for it. I can honestly say that I think I have been in love, but I'm eighteen. If my life keeps going like it has been, I'll be thirty and laughing as I re-read this post. My point is, you can't just "make it happen" You can't shove the square peg in the circle hole. It doesn't work like that. Love is finicky and once you think you have it, you loose it. But that's what I (and I'm willing to bet most women) tried to do with Satan.

Ohh, and just so you REALLY know he deserves the name Satan, he tried to sleep with me when I was drunk and high, and nearly passed out. Only reason why he didn't is cause my friend Rainbow almost beat the shit out of him. (Yay for gay boyfriends!)

As far as relationships go, we were together six months. Not bad at all for high school bullshit goes. Definitely not the shortest, but not the longest stint in hell either. I broke up with him when I decided to get clean. And well, if he wanted to resign his life to drugs and binge drinking that was his own choice. Course I was still stupid enough to say that line we all know:

"I want to stay friends"

But I was fucked up enough to believe it at the time too. So I don't know which is sadder.

However I did notice things about him once we broke up and I was on my way to sobriety. First thing was:

He was a lair. And not in a fake-texting-to-avoid-a-conversation lying. But a I-am-flat-out-lying-to-your-face-even-though-I-know-you-know-the-truth kind of way. And right after we broke up id did not, let alone could not, associate with him for the first four months. (That was a promise I made to B.) I know this because all of my old friends (Rainbow being one of them) started to ask me why I did everything from cheating on him, to stealing his money to hacking into his online accounts. He was absolutely demonizing me to anyone that would listen. Which, okay, typical high school bullshit, I get that, but not what a recovering addict needs to hear. (He knew I was getting clean.) The few times I confronted him on this, with others mind you, he denied everything of course, further fueling my "I should become an ax maniac or shoot myself" mantra.

Second thing was, he was a pity-me type. EVERYONE knows the pity-me types. The "You should go on a date with me because I really don't know what I'm going to do if you don't" bullshit. And with that pity me shit, he started to sleep around with every fucking freshman girl on the face of the earth. (Keep in mind he was eighteen, that's illeagal. Hell, I was illegal in most states.)

Third thing was, he really, really, REALLY, tried to get with B. and not even in a subtle manner. But in a "I'm gonna fucking stalk you" manner. B. was my safe haven at this time. I was at her house nearly every fucking night. She was (and is) THE ONLY reason why I am sober. Particularly in the beginning. She knew everything he had done, and she knew even more, I found out later, than even I did. Needless to say, it didn't work but she had to quite literally kick his ass before he got the message.

So...you're probably asking yourself right now, "Cosmic, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU KEEP IN CONTACT WITH THIS BAG OF STINKING YEASTY DOUCHE?"

Let me explain, I kind of didn't.
It wasn't until recently, after my graduation, that I really started to depend on the good ol facebook. By which I mean, I have no car, and if I wanted to talk to any of my friends or keep in touch, I had to depend on that stupid site. And since most of them didn't have transportation either, so did they. I was getting a lot of requests the week of my graduation. So when Satan decided to add me, I was so use to just clicking the add button, I didn't look at the name or the picture really.

Stupid. I know. Trust me, I know.

Which leads me to today. Where I talked to Satan. For the first time in three years. Talk about awkward.

Now here is why today upset me.
I don't love Satan. I thought I did, but really, he was just one part of my addiction, I KNOW that. He was one of those people who though "accepting" was synonymous with "keep feeding her drugs." He was one of the most despicable human beings that I ever met, and I knew that going in.

But sometimes the neurons in my brain are chemically imbalanced enough that I decide to humor stupid bullshit.

He started telling me how much harder life is, how the economy is so shitty, how he misses our days in high school so much, how I was the "most amazing" individual he's ever met, yadda yadda. Small talk cut with bullshit right? But then he said something that really set me off. Now, I'm really not proud of how much it set me off, but I need to get it off my chest. And I quote:

"You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I think I fell apart without you, I really want to try to be friends again, at least."

Now, let me get this straight. I went through eating problems, drug problems, manic-depressive problems, loosing friends, failing most of high school, family problems, money problems, and MASSIVE self esteem problems, but he's the one that fell apart?

This coming from the guy who would insult me based on everything from my body, to my writing, to my friends? I won't be arrogant enough to say that he didn't go through a tough time, but I nearly died. More than once.
And yes, he isn't the sole reason for that. I am the sole reason for that, but he sure as fuck didn't help me along in any way. So, I went offline, removed him from my friends and blocked his ass.

Then I went and cried like nobodies business, and puked my guts out in the toilet.
What upsets me the most however, is the fact that the only reason why I reacted like that, was because on some level, I believed his bullshit. I believed that he loved me, thought I was amazing and beautiful, and wonderful, and that everything was going to be okay again. I am upset because I was dumb enough to believe, even for a few minutes, that all I needed was another person to like me for me to get over all the things that I have been through.

Basically. I went back to square one today and I didn't catch it as it happened.

So in short, today was not a good day, and the moral of the story is--pay attention to all that facebook shit. LOOK AT PICTURES AND READ THE NAMES people. And anyone you have bad history with, you probably shouldn't add them. Learn from my fail. Please?

In any case, I'm done moping. Thanks for the free vent BMR, and the people that actually read this little corner of sad, emo, mopey, angry, awkward, semi-political, all about me journal. You probably have better things to do with your time, but it is insanely nice to have an entity to talk with on your own time. Cyber paper is awesome like that.
In any case, I'm going to try to eat something now and listen to some happy music (I'm think Brett Dennon and some Dead Kennedys) Oh, and here is a random quote from my favorite book of all time:

~"You don't know much,' said the Duchess, 'And that's a fact.'"~ Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll.

~"I wouldn't want you to be wanted be me, I wouldn't want you to worry, you'd be drowned within my sea..."~

Been a while, I figure I should vent before I otherwise explode (which I'm told is generally really bad.) It's a little scary the amount my life could potentially change, and I'm honestly not sure what I should do. Before anyone freaks out though, remember I said "potential" ...so...yeah.

Well, firstly, I talked with Cee today. That went over...badly to say the least. She cried, I cried, and then we both kind of mutually sobbed at each other until I decided to leave. There were a lot of lines to sever there and I just feel kind of...lopsided. I'm not sure if everything completely set-in about it for me. I'm almost waiting for a call from her to go hang out. It's not like I wanted to stop being friends, I just was trying to clear the air really. And the woman she's with is just all kinds of fucked up, and has played her again and again, and it's just so hard to see someone you love constantly getting hurt--not to mention hurting you in the process. I have wasted so much time thinking, dreaming,