Book with the spine marked ' Not so Everlong'

9/12/2012

Man, My luck is a odd thing.

Threw my back out after a few shovel fulls of muddy grit.
Hell I did something stupid. lol
Getting over being sick, Going to work, Throwing my back out.
Awh... first world problems lol.

Beyond that we'll be fixing some road around here. Last bit of rain brought attention to needed sections and we'll be working on what we can.

Once again mentally hoping I can make it without falling apart lol.
Last thing I need to is to end up getting picked over by vultures. lol

Oh wells.
I'll make it.

Rant more tomorrow.

9/17/2012

I am someone in pain...

Not wanting pity or to hear 'sorry'.
All of it can be either considered part of the job or part of a past job.
I'm typing this to clearly explain myself and to some place that at least can be held as a record instead of going unsaid.

My head screams to me when I witness something blindingly stupid, so I feel pain for all that I see wrong. Wrong with day to day life.
Wrong with people's perception in first world problems and the wrongs of people following ignorantly their beliefs. Be it religious or ill-raised morals and values.
I know vague terms and generalizations can only be so grim and painful. But to be simple being that black and white helps keep me structured.

I physically hurt in my back and skull from abuse I've inflicted on my body over the past few years. Pain from surviving things and pain from simply lifting wrong.
So imagine now the pain of guilt.
Guilt from being a survivor, guilt from knowing there's things going on around me... ' But true evil men don't act...'

How would you like to be in a company that preaches out things that sound like rainbows and unicorns in terms of fairness and respect...
But allow that ugly creature you never want to look at to continue to open it's mouth and spill out filth to lessen others?
Once again vague words and generalizations...
But imagine if two people could bring down moral of an entire group of people.
Imagine if because of their views that everyone should be 'thicker-skinned' mixed with some idiotic form of ' I'm always right...' even when proven wrong.
I say this is something I'm starting to feel burn like sour bile.

I wish to believe in Karma.
I do.
I wish those that do wrong will be given their due.
But what happens when they believe beyond a shadow of a doubt... they're right?
What happens if because they know people or are friends with those a little higher up... they get more second chances then I wish to count off?

If leadership fails to be tough... if it fails to follow it's own guidelines and procedures... what do you get?
Loss in moral, efficiency, production.

I call this absolute bullshit.

At some point someone shouldn't just be given a verbal slap on a wrist and warned over and over.
Whatever happened to holding someone accountable for their actions?

I know I'm preaching something rather sternly.
And by all means I don't believe in giving out ribbons to people if they simply show up to an event.

If you have no drive and motivation should you not be told ?
Should you now be removed for the betterment of the whole?

These views and so many more I have I know would earn me disrespectful and hurtful names.

I've been called 'Hitler' for fuck sakes because I don't want people to be born with a handicap. So it doesn't ruin a parent's life to take care of the child until the parent expires. Then what happens to the weak and suffering soul.

I offered a solution once...
It earned ire and hatred.
I believe that threw a group monitoring and helping parents along with the process and wonder of child baring... that steps are taken with hormone checks and other mild tests to keep children from being born with deformities. To lower mental-retardation. To help curb the effects before any life can be touched with them.
But because of my peaceful view I get called random slander from the masses who openly believe in an ancient belief... " God wills them to have children... no one should play god... you're a fool to play with nature..."
I have yet to do a thing... knowing with how blindly the ignorant hold to their beliefs I know for a fact I'd never have a position for my words to be said.

Yet the ugly truth remains.
Resources are coming to a point of meeting where Earth has maximum capacity to supply the needs of the humans.

Something that a few brilliant minds tried their damnedest to speak out about. And from Everything I've seen ' No, it's my natural right to have a baby...' keeps coming back.
How can you be so blind an greedy to everyone else?
This is my question?
Not asking you to give up the ability or the option of being a parent.
Just asking to look at the information... ignore as hard as it may seem that natural instinctive drive to crank out as many as you can to pass on your own genetics...

But again...I fore see nuclear winter before enough people coming together to do what is right for more then just their own advancement in life, to simply pass on their genetics like mindless vermin.

Yes before any asks my interactions with a few people today left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.
I find it easier to analyze and find answers then to simply curse and find ways to bring others down with myself.
I don't like being left without critical answers.
I just wish someone would explain ' how ' I can fix this problem.
Yes, to the next person who just realized why I'm so frustrated...

I'm used to carrying the burden of others and trying to fix everything.
It's my nature and the nature of how things come to build up around me.
I am the proverbial duct tape.
Funny thing is if someone doesn't want it some place... it tends to get peeled off.
So here I am having to explain myself in my frustrated state of mind...
Wonder who in their right minds would view my journal and actually take it from a neutral view.
Because I certainly feel like the bad guy from a world wide culture of simpletons' and their views.
How dare I think...
How dare I find answers no one wants to admit is true because it breaks their faith or beliefs and gives them the best answer that doesn't involve over population and all the lovely nightmares that comes from that.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Give me trust as a word for a moment.
This is a powerful word.
It means if your life was in the hands of another... can you trust them?
Trust them to look after your children? ( most should think this as more important )
How about a little less in terms of intensity... Trust someone to not tell everyone what you share with them ?
Not a secret mind you, just to hold their tongue.
A while back I did a mild social test.
I gave a single piece of random and true information about myself to each person at my working patrol.
Before the end of the day almost everyone of those people knew every piece I had put out.
The people I consider more worth while around are those that chose to wait until in a more 'trusting' group before asking to share such information.
I found this to be a brilliant point. Something I wanted to shower in praise.
Someone willing to be human in respect, rather then in simply following the motions.

So here's my trust portion...
Who here knows who I am ... not what... but who I am?
Why would I put this out there?
Because the few that read this... I trust...
Not to mention my words are so vague and generalized that anyone can take half of what I say and run it to either end zone for me.

That reference was meant to explain it could go either way.

Oh and if you think I'm ignorant for my views...
Just tell someone the next time you have the chance ' there's no ( insert deity of their choosing ) '
You get stuff like what's happening in the middle east right now...
And you say religion brings peace and understanding... as long as it's yours... right?

----------------------------------------------------------------

I don't wish for communism by all means no one in truth is equal... nor am I saying I'm above anyone else.
Life is unfair and no one should be given a free ride... though a helpful lift now and then doesn't hurt.
I'm just tired...
Tired of seeing good people be harmed or have things torn from them because they are clawed down by those not willing to learn or grow to help themselves.

And that more over is something I'm for.
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day... and all that.

Then there's the ever gluten ' I don't care, so I won't do anything'...
If it doesn't directly come to you, say to your face... " I'm a growing concern for you and yours... " you have a condescending attitude.
More over if you don't like someone for their prior duty or service... why do you both trying to work with them?
Is it some odd belief that you lost someone because of them? Does this particular class of people earn you hatred and disrespect because you're jealous?
That I have no respect for.

Before I get asked.
No I'm no Jesus, but I do help those I can.
Those that are willing to help themselves.
Those who don't believe that society should be grateful they draw breath and should pay them for it.
Those last types... I hate.
They drag others down.

Worst of all there's no way to classify them. You can't be a racists because it's across all races this happens... it's nature... path of least resistance earns most favorite.
Can't say religion in general...
Every faith has had it's extremists, Spanish-inquisitions, Crusades, Jihads, holy-wars, slavery, you name it... all effected by every culture.

Can't generalize it by culture either...
Every country and region of this planet has people worth less their weight in copper.
I'm not asking for anything more then a change.
A little respect to those who keep the world moving for those that do-nothing.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I digress.

I am but a man.
One of man with ideas and opinions in a sea of madmen.
Another label I've been given because I didn't fit a preconceived notion.
And just like anyone I'm intelligent where I excel.

I think several steps ahead. But not always.
I find my mind thinking of any scenario I need in terms of something I can focus on.
Rather then the most disruptive here and now.
Yet... when things start moving so face that I can't think them out... my sub-conscious seems to have gotten me out of it.

So I hate people... I'm all to human.
Greed and cruelty is human nature.
But so is compassion and helpfulness.
Why is it I see more of the negative?
Is it really that much easier to give in and do the easy thing and not care?

Enough of my venting.
If I go past venting... it'll be self-consuming and deprecating.

So to my readers...
Go out and think...
Look around...

Thank you and goodnight.

- Steven

9/24/2012

Prepare for miss-spelled shit and slurred words...
That's right... an old demon is out of the bottle !

" Hellooo I've waited here for you... Everlong... "

So after a positively long day... which in hind-sight flew by... I had a few swigs off of a pint of yager.
Remember kids, only thing I can drink without a hang-over... No painful skull or feeling of the air 'being' molasses.

A few classes telling me how to operate and e-mail and calender system left him wanting to bang my head against the table... yeah that dumb.
Thank you webinars... you suck!

Followed by going and having no one including myself take charge... can only ask and tell someone of your own 'rank' at my job so much before they blow you off and sit on their ass.
Everything I wanted to do required at least three people.

Got home and threw my aggravation out on the treadmill... Wore a weighted down vest and jogged and sprinted for about 45 mins before hoping off and doing some shoulder and back work outs.

I'm not frustrated any more...
I took a shower, ate something healthy ( rice with tuna... ew... seafood... )
Followed by downing water and a few swings from my little Yager.

-------------------------------------------------------

A more then likely; soon-to-be, Former friend is getting married this Friday.

I got out of going to the wedding and being the best man for. Since then he's been a little more snide and short on temper around me.
Getting the feeling I'm unwanted and shall be removing myself once his new 'instant' family moves in. ( Just add husband/step-dad )

Not really frustrated... happy he found his happiness... though part of me knows it'll be temporary.
You never really know someone until you move in with them.
*shrugs*

So here I sit, lonely and broken hearted... ( I love the fact hearted is not a word by my spell correcter 's view point )

Ramble ramble rawl !

Got and appointment with my shrink this Weds. Oh hump days of me getting humped. ( mentally that is )
I admit she's attractive but thankfully I don't have to worry about falling in love with her like I did my last shrink. ( though Annie never was told until the last meeting I had with her... I'm sure she caught on before I left... sexual transference or some such mumbo-jumbo. )
When your first time talking with a councilor starts off with you giving a quick 'who you are' in terms of info... and you're stopped and yelled at.... you wonder what sort of help they bring to you. That and attraction doesn't come on very well.
Then there's the wanting to be touch-e feel-e.

I know it's helped some... I've tried being around people I normally find annoying and anger inducing.

Enough venting...

Look... whoever takes time to read me...
know I'm just working threw issues...
I'm not going to harm anyone...
Just looking for someplace to put my thoughts out into black and white form.

Wish I had just a million dollars. Life would instantly be better. =)

Oh the things I could do, the people I could help...
The more adventurous and active I could be !

Money can be the root of all happiness if spent correctly!

=)

Well I'm gonna go...

You guys take it easy !

9/29/2012

well I'm almost 27.
Still single and well without care.

lol.

Can't help but to think that for some reason part of me likes suffering.
Call it internal masochistic tendencies. But I hate it when someone else tries to harm me in any; way, shape or form. Go figure?

Sold a rifle but bought a similar designed weapon.

Waiting on some body armor I ordered. Plan to stuff more Kevlar into it to go along with the Level-IV stand-alone plates I have for it.

Not that I'm overly paranoid... just want to be ready in case I ever have to fight my way out of my own front door. ( Zombie apocalypse, collapse of society, etc. )

Well beyond that...
Songs!

Gangnam Style? NO!
I'm one of those people annoyed by the noise considered a real song.
Just a fad that will fade...

okay everybody...
Brace yourself... I'm the drunkest I've been in years.. nearing black out drunk...
Will probably call in tomorrow.... drunk....

Help if you dare....


Not for me ... but anyone who's been there....



Well...

There's something to be proud of...

The beginning is from Oct 2nd when I decided to cut loose... a little to loose.


It's currently 10/06/2012

Part of me would like to politely apologize or ask for my reader's forgiveness... But I won't waist you time.
I'm human and I fuck up. I make mistakes and learn from them before going on.

What I now know is snow season is here and I can't take a single day off until Spring.
I see it as a hell of a challenge but know I can make it... and perhaps even become stronger from getting passed it all.

Beyond that I saw an episode of Supernatural today that made me think...
If you could be death or a reaper of sorts... could you do it?
It was showing how there was a balance. And at times how unfair it can be when ' it's your time, it's your time'.
But there's an order and balance. If no one ever died and people always reproduced this world would be crowded and desolate.
I'd be starving and with no room to breath.

My point is things happen for a reason and I honestly believe if given the chance to work such a 'low' job... I'd take it without hesitation. The people that deserve it as well as those that don't.
I know it's morbid or sounds dark... but it would give me the ability at least to watch things change and shape themselves.
When a series called ' Dead like me ' was on show time... I know this idea came to be.
I know when a Reaper comes calling I'll ask every way possible to take their job... part time of course. =) would like to at least enjoy my time with friends and family before they would leave to the natural order of things.
From there I'd follow orders and do as I needed to.
Part time to full.

But then again, death isn't a person to take on a personification.
It's an event and a step in life that all living things go threw. Some sooner than others.
It's not something one can barter with or gamble for extra time.

It can only move like time... forward and as far as I know... never back wards.
Doesn't mean I wouldn't mind challenging the concept and trying my damnedest to do such things.
Suppose that's the dreamer side of me.

If only I could go back to my teenage years with what I know now...
If only I could take me mind into that body and relive it all over again.
So many things different...right?

Well world... for my B-day tomorrow... if I woke up in some crazy ass ground hog day at any other b-day in my past.... I'll take it and live it right back up to this point.
Hear that universe.... how's that for an entertaining plot?
Wouldn't that entertain you... watching an old soul go back and know the better routes to take... to zig instead of zag... to look left when I should have instead of that damn right!?

I'm sure the same events that had to happen would still take place... but you know I'd make a damn good attempt to change a few things over.
Be it a dumb kid in school or a dumb-kid in a uniform on foreign soil.
The things I would do so much more differently...

If someone approaches me with such an offer...We'll see what happens.

lol

If it doesn't ... well I guess I can wither and squirm for everyone else, seems to work so far.

10/13/12

Well I made it a little bit further then I thought.
Took the entire day to unwind and cool down.
Been feeling out of it and a little more tired then usual.
So...
I'm doing what I can to recharge and rejuvenate.

So I've been enjoying all the pm's I've been going back and forth with =)
Playing Medal of Honor: warfighter - Demo... drinking rootbeer.
=)
I kinda want to get called in this weekend so I can get more over time. =)

Who knows. I'm tired and craving money.

>.<
Any who...

Love all of you...
*fapfapfapfapfap*

lolz

11/12/2012

Guess who's sick again.
Hey that's right... and on a hell of a somber weekend.

I've been trying my best to stuff myself full of Vitamins, cold and flu meds, anti-biotic I had left over and even this emer-genC stuff. Onto the Airborne!
Lol
My unit like so many others fell under the 101st a few years back. The 'scream'in eagle' ! We called it the choke'in chicken. Or if someone had a patch from a prior deployment on both sides that match, 'Chicken Sandwich...'

Must of hit my head... I'm remembering stuff.

When you're extraordinarily sick, you find yourself thinking in measures outside of your standard every day thought... could be the fever... lol.

But I keep thinking in terms of past my own existence, little things I know I could do so my name continues on. More so then the simple passing on of flawed genetics of course.
Geez, I was a slathering of different 'oops' and miss hits on the ruelet wheel of life.

But all in all I've noticed my luck being there when I need it.
Not knocking it, just thinking things out. I am after all gratefully for everything I've managed to have in my time on this planet.
Though when you have slime of various green and orange hues coming out of every hole in your face you kinda ask yourself if this is how it's going to be from then on out.

So I slam my vitamin enriched drink, eat my pills and hope this hellish cold leaves as suddenly as it hit me.

-------------------------

Went grocery shopping, took out trash and did it with a 102 degree temp. Woop.
Not trying to brag... just feeling like getting my thoughts out. Though it would be nice to know who all reads these journals.
After all we all need to know our audiences.

Worked for a few hours Saturday night when some snow and slush fell from the air, sickness got to much to me... didn't want Pneumonia if I don't have it already... weight on my chest and all... but hey... It was only O.T. not like I could have used it.. lol.


So here's one for you...

Why'd the pervert cross the road?

He was stuck to the chicken...

What's the difference between kinky and freaky?

Kinky is using a feather,
Freaky is using the whole chicken.

How many eggs does it take to shingle a dog house?
None: Alligators can't fly.

If you're on any meds that last one will make you laugh.

-------------------------------------------------------




What's the maximum range of a .50 BMG ?
As far as you can see.

Now this old myth comes on the heels of military related stuff, but the reality is this massive chunk of lead only drops about two inches after about a mile. While others are about two feet minimum of a drop at that range.
The original use for that caliber also was never originally thought of as 'sniping'. Rather as it's original title of : anti-material rifle, suggests... to pluck chickens!

I must be craving Chicken noodle soup or something... or really out of it.



Well to everyone that has served or continues to give some of their all...

Thanks.

As for myself... I'm going to be over here... blowing my nose and trying not to be so perverted. lol

Feel better soon...... no fun being sick. At all. Do take care of yourself. *gives hugs*

darkangel76 said:

Feel better soon...... no fun being sick. At all. Do take care of yourself. *gives hugs*

Click to expand...

*zombies out and makes a low moan while shuffling to hug back *

Thanks DA, you da best!

I've been feeling better thanks to pills and airborne powdered drink...
And copious amounts of water.

=)

Hope you're doing well and stress is low for you in the coming days...!


*hugs*

I'm waking up to ash and dust
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust
I'm breathing in the chemicals
I'm breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse
Whoa

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive

I raise my flags, don my clothes
It's a revolution, I suppose
We'll paint it red to fit right in
Whoa
I'm breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse
Whoa

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive

All systems go, sun hasn't died
Deep in my bones, straight from inside

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive

Radioactive - by - Imagine Dragons.

Caution - Radioactive



"Madness"


(Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma...)

I, I can't get these memories out of my mind,
And some kind of madness has started to evolve.
(Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma...)
I, I tried so hard to let you go,
But some kind of madness is swallowing me whole, yeah
(Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma...)

I have finally seen the light,
And I have finally realized,
What you mean.
Ooh oh oh

And now, I need to know is this real love,
Or is it just madness keeping us afloat?
(Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma...)
And when I look back at all the crazy fights we had,
Like some kind of madness
Was taking control
(Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma...)
Yeah

And now I have finally seen the light,
And I have finally realized,
What you need.
Mmmm...

(Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma...)

And now I have finally seen the end
(Finally seen the end)
And I'm not expecting you to care
(Expecting you to care)
But I have finally seen the light
(Finally seen the light)
I have finally realized
(Realized)
I need to love
I need to love

Come to me,
Just in a dream
Come on and rescue me.
Yes I know, I can be wrong
Maybe I'm too headstrong
Our love is
(Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma...)
Madness


Muse's Madness...

I'ts Madness... odd video...


Thrift shop ' in link

Hey, Macklemore! Can we go thrift shopping?

What, what, what, what... [x7]

[Hook]
I'm gonna pop some tags
Only got twenty dollars in my pocket
I - I - I'm hunting, looking for a come-up
This is fucking awesome

[Verse 1]
Now, walk into the club like, "What up, I got a big cock!"
I'm so pumped about some shit from the thrift shop
Ice on the fringe, it's so damn frosty
That people like, "Damn! That's a cold ass honkey."
Rollin' in, hella deep, headin' to the mezzanine,
Dressed in all pink, 'cept my gator shoes, those are green
Draped in a leopard mink, girls standin' next to me
Probably shoulda washed this, smells like R. Kelly's sheets
(Piiisssssss)
But shit, it was ninety-nine cents! (Bag it)
Coppin' it, washin' it, 'bout to go and get some compliments
Passin' up on those moccasins someone else's been walkin' in
Bummy and grungy, fuck it man
I am stuntin' and flossin' and
Savin' my money and I'm hella happy that's a bargain, bitch
I'ma take your grandpa's style, I'ma take your grandpa's style,
No for real - ask your grandpa - can I have his hand-me-downs? (Thank you)
Velour jumpsuit and some house slippers
Dookie brown leather jacket that I found diggin'
They had a broken keyboard, I bought a broken keyboard
I bought a skeet blanket, then I bought a kneeboard
Hello, hello, my ace man, my Miller
John Wayne ain’t got nothing on my fringe game, hell no
I could take some Pro Wings, make them cool, sell those
The sneaker heads would be like “Aw, he got the Velcros”

[Hook x2]

[Verse 2]
What you know about rockin' a wolf on your noggin?
What you knowin' about wearin' a fur fox skin?
I'm digging, I'm digging, I'm searching right through that luggage
One man's trash, that's another man's come-up
Thank your granddad for donating that plaid button-up shirt
'Cause right now I'm up in her skirt
I'm at the Goodwill, you can find me in the (Uptons)
I'm that, I'm that sucker searchin' in that section (Uptons)
Your grammy, your aunty, your momma, your mammy
I’ll take those flannel zebra jammies, second-hand, I rock that motherfucker
The built-in onesie with the socks on that motherfucker
I hit the party and they stop in that motherfucker
They be like, "Oh, that Gucci - that's hella tight."
I'm like, "Yo - that's fifty dollars for a T-shirt."
Limited edition, let's do some simple addition
Fifty dollars for a T-shirt - that's just some ignorant bitch (shit)
I call that getting swindled and pimped (shit)
I call that getting tricked by a business
That shirt's hella dough
And having the same one as six other people in this club is a hella don't
Peep game, come take a look through my telescope
Trying to get girls from a brand? Then you hella won't
Then you hella won't

(Goodwill... poppin' tags... yeah!)

[Hook]

[Bridge x2]
I wear your granddad's clothes
I look incredible
I'm in this big ass coat
From that thrift shop down the road

[Hook]

Is that your grandma's coat?

Macklemore's - Thrift shop.



"Sunshine"
by -
Matisyahu

[Verse 1:]
Keep on moving to the first rays of dawn
Keeping it on till the day stays strong
Keepin till the night time blazes on
All along I keep singing my song
I said, this phase is always
Sometimes I get so crazed
But just know that I'll always stay
'Cause you're my life through the haze

[Chorus:]
It's time for a champion
Soothe the soul of the land
Mend the heart from the sea and the sand
'til the sun comes up again
[x2]

Reach for the sky
Keep your eye on the prize
Forever in my mind
Be my golden sunshine
It's raining in your mind
So push them clouds aside
Forever by my side
You're my golden sunshine

[Verse 2:]
Sunset I let myself down
Found the ground beneath my feet gone
No more words were there to speak
On that day my song was born
Never meant to leave you all alone
Said I'd be your shelter from the storm
Now your clothes have all been torn
Kingdom sacked attacked and dethroned

[Chorus]

Reach for the sky
Keep your eye on the prize
Forever in my mind
Be my golden sunshine
It's raining in your mind
So push them clouds aside
Forever by my side
You‘re my golden sun

It's the way of the world
You're on your own
Time to grow and be a man
Want to fly high like Peter Pan
No more Never Never Land
So lose your backpack filled with sand
Come along and take my hand
We'll walk together, walk forever

Reach for the sky
Keep your eye on the prize
Forever in my mind
Be my golden sunshine
It's raining in your mind
So push them clouds aside
Forever by my side
Your my golden sunshine

Reach for the sky
Keep your eye on the prize
Forever in my mind
Be my golden sunshine
It's raining in your mind
So push them clouds aside
Forever by my side
You're my golden sunshine

Sunshine link




Caution... Getting Edgy...

In This Moment - Whore...

Rocking Chick

"Whore"


I’m the girl you’ve been thinking about
The one thing you can’t live without
I’m the girl you’ve been waiting for
I’ll have you down on your knees
I’ll have you begging for more
You probably thought I wouldn’t get this far
You thought I’d end up in the back of a car
You probably thought that I’d never escape
I’d be a rat in a cage, I’d be a slave to this place
You don’t know how hard I fought to survive,
Waking up alone when I was left to die
You don’t know about this life I’ve led,
All these roads I’ve walked
All these tears I’ve bled
So how can this be?
You’re praying to me
There’s a look in your eyes,
I know just what that means
I can be, I can be your everything

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
I am your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

I’m the one that you need and fear
Now that you’re hooked, it’s all becoming clear
That all your judgments that you placed on me
Was a reflection of discovery
So maybe next time when you cast your stones
From the shadows of the dark unknown
You will crawl up from your hiding place
Take a look in the mirror
See the truth in your face

So how can this be?
You’re praying to me
There’s a look in your eyes,
I know just what that means
I can be, I can be your everything
I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
I am your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
I am your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me, you want me, you need me

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
I am your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for


------------------------------------------------------------------



Wells just a little music up date to announce... I'm back.

Enjoy ?

1/1/2013

Wow, Time flys...

So I've been considering certain plots and what not. Thinking out loud and brain storming here more then anything.
If one comes up I'll head to the right request place...

But so far an escape of sort sounds nice.
Perhaps accidently being taken to another world?
Characters meet and figure out things aren't as they should be... with adventure!

Post-apoclyptic, because you never know when wandering the wastelands can be needed?
Perhaps a knight-like character to come in and save the day over and over before simply deciding to leave each time his job is done?
Finally something happens when the wanderer simply chooses to continue to bother someone?
Peace-keeper with a kink?

Dunno...



To everyone I've role played with, Thanks again!

Who knows I might get to bother you all sooner than later!

Free on time and since the crazy holidays are over, there's little to worry about in terms of taking time to get back to you.

1/18/2012

So my face is feeling better.
Had a broken tooth removed from my lower jaw yesterday, now I'm feeling great.
Mostly due to a 'V' named drug that takes pain away. That and cronic masturbation... the later is in less frequent intervals due to room-mate in my tiny one-bedroom apartment is around just a little to much.
Can't be rubbing one out when he comes threw to go to the bathroom...
" Hey man... yeah... it's totally what it looks like... spray some freebreeze when you're done.... "

Been on again, off again in work outs. Can only stay at 3 miles an hour for two hours with a 40.lb weight vest on. Wish I can go faster and longer, but muscles can be crappy. That and cramps suck in the calfs.
Been waterlogging myself hours before and after each work out.
On the lower point of taking my 'work-out' pills.
I know they're mostly caffine but it works.
Some mornings everyone just fight to wake up let alone have to run to work and hit the ground running.

Kind been finding myself contemplating joining up some branch or reserve force. Knowing full well I'm so far out of shape that it's not even funny.
Yeah- I'm kinda a neck beard.
Mind you I'm a independant and self-sufficant neck-beard that happens to be helping a long time friend ( current roommate ) come up into the world after he got out of college.
But hey... still knowing I can do better.

What lead into having my tooth taken out:
I went for years brushing the absolute rat fuck out of it while it continued to slowly degrade. My diet of caffine filled drinks and smoking didn't help. ( two steps forward, eight back )
But granted for being 6'2" and weighting on average 255.lbs... I'm not to bad.

Been keeping things civil and friendly at work while finding that an ex-squid can be a good allie. Been getting drinks and hanging out during off hours with the prior salior. Who knew a dirty truck driver and a sea-bourne fire fighter could be friends?
Not to mention I'm mildly anti-social and he's a biker.
lol.
Room mate I've known so long I consider him a legitimate surigate brother. He comes from an artsy-world of college in San-Fran.
So his mind is a little more liberal then most while coming to the prioties of ' fuck you if you're not me or mine '.
Tends to happen if you've been screwed over by family enough.

As you can tell I'm doing my normal rant post rather then a quick update with random words and songs.

More over I find it to help empty my pent up creativity.
Though I wish more out this then what I have been doing.
Ideas swarm my brain and give me the faintest hope I might pull off being a writer.
Then again if I can't figure out the different between: their - There and through or threw-out. Grammar might be a problem.

If I happen to be bothering you with PM posts and you staggered in, just know I am thrilled and enjoy each rp I have to such a point that I am actually looking forward to the next full length forum rp I start.
For those I've ran off... I apologize.
You all have your own greatness, mine just happens to be to much. kidding kidding.

Until later then party people... a little something to leave you all with...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Running theme song... When I'm feeling semi-bad ass. lolz

1/25/2013

?
Huh, what was that noise?

- Turns to walk over -

Oh hey there.

Haven't had to many people reading my odds and ends journal in a bit so I've been lacking.
To be honest My ramblings and rants can only go one for so long.

Been working out a lot more. Before I know it my poor gut will be gone.
Still worried that certain people in power of my great nation will turn on their citizens and try to gut an Amendment. But that's just me. And more over that's something else I shouldn't go into.

Gonna check over a gym and fitness club that opened near my apt.
If it turns out to be good, guess I'll be there more often then not. Walking distance.
Even though my apartments have a gym, I've seen a few people that use it and cringe.

- Pauses to go along with the music I'm listening to... ' Miss Atomic-bomb'. -


So beyond that more to the point with Role plays.
If I have tried to get one going with you and you dropped off, this will be one of the forms of notice I've giving...
Hopefully I hear a reply from people telling me to give them a break. lol.

I started a few to and felt good about them.
A few Post-apocalyptic, one or two fantasy or medieval.
But say'la-ve

More over I hope to one day pick up a few forgotten or lost rp's to keep those writers happier then I have in the past.

' You're gonna miss me when I'm gone... '

I always read your odds and ends. <3
But then.... you also know this, LOL! XD

Glad to hear that the whole gym thing is working out so well. That must also mean that your heath is better, which is a good thing. STAY AWAY ILLNESSES!!! Anyway, here's to that and may it continue.

darkangel76 said:

I always read your odds and ends. <3
But then.... you also know this, LOL! XD

Glad to hear that the whole gym thing is working out so well. That must also mean that your heath is better, which is a good thing. STAY AWAY ILLNESSES!!! Anyway, here's to that and may it continue.

Click to expand...

-Wakes up to DA leaving a post on his journal-
Dark Angel!
I'm doing what I can.
Best wishes to you and yours!



1/26/2013

"... It's not because of that, It's not because of money,
Work's in my blood and I kill 'cause I'm hungry.... "

Rob Baily - Hungry

Appears I'm going to continue my finding of balance... in this lovely blue mooned imaginative world with the world we all deal with on a daily basis.
Part of me is craving to fit again... and well there's little I can do to stop that.
Another part enjoys mental stimulation with staying in contact with the lovely people I've come to meet on here.
So I won't necessarily be giving up either.

In short... w00t w00t.

"... It's not because of that, it's not because of money,
Work's in my blood and I kill 'cause I'm hungry...! "

2/13/2013

What is happening you beautiful and unique people?

A little bit of Rob Baily & the hustle standard with their song ' Hungry'.

( Lyrics here. )

( youtube here )

Updates!

I've been gone a lot more with snow falling and me trying to turn my spare tire into sexy muscle.
So I joined a title boxing place and have started going twice a week. During my 'off' days when I get froggy I'll jog and lift weights.
Thus far I have learned the whole ' figure 8 bob & weave ' thing. A few jabs, straight punches and hooks.
More going to work out then to learn fighting.
It feels great so far. A good sore... with more pain on top of that.
Must be a mild masochist. Though I never get chub from pain... giving or receiving.

I know my role play skills with many of you have been tapering off and it seems as though I'm trying to pull a little talent for every pm from below my sack... so apologizes on that. But these days I've been spent!
Changing my diet up, increasing water intake and once again... trying to quit the dreaded smoking.
Why death sticks... why must you be so addictive and delicious.
Oh well... I need the lung capacity.

Contemplating doing self brain storming on here and throwing around story ideas...
Fuck it... onto those before further ranting.


" Who's a savior?"
Thinking someone's character ( this part is uber flexible, mine or someone elses...) wakes up in their bathtub in full on 'battle-rattle'. Military gear that best fits their mindset ( speed, firepower, or just a heavily armed person ) not sure how they came to be their with a fresh headache and surprise-surprise a newly stitched and scabbed head wound.
Upon leaving the 'latrine' they find themselves in the blown out remains of their home surrounded by strangers who adore and look to the character with instant reverence. ( Love from possible love interests, respect from obviously battle hardened people, thankfulness from a doctor in the group. )
Most of all we find out that said yet to be named person is the saving grace of the entire world.

You see, you (yet to be named character ) have a brain injury that came from a series of events in which the character had to deal with Aliens. ( not fox aliens ) They came, they where mostly human save for a few subtle differences... being 8ft tall and most reptilian then human. They conquered, No demands simply started laying waste to whole populated areas.
They lost,
Humans being as tenacious and fast adapting as we are... we turned the tide and started out as rebels... the character in question threw luck and determination ( with side pockets of obvious doubt and guilt ) survived to gather others scrapping by with the skins of their teeth.
Then as they realized that Earth was lost to them... they tried to set off a bomb that would end all life on it.
Your character came to disarm it out of sheer luck... the alien's in total defeat, even in last act of defiance with no bitter-sweet last laugh, forced to surrender or leave the planet with what little resources they had left.
A few stragglers here or there left... But after all humans have a way of taking care of those they fear.

This head wound, came in the final battle with what could only be the grand-poo-ba of the nomad alien fleet...
angry and at ends wits with the short one-month campaign decided your back yard would be the murder-suicide grounds to wipe out all life.
' If I can't have it... no one can! " - said the big-bad.
And in the resulting battle a near fatal wound is inflicted upon said character's skull... Just after of course reaching in and pulling out components of the bomb to disarm it.
In the resulting madness of the big-bad's demise, the doc of the ground finds a way of patching up the skull with the alien tech available... but the damage was done.
Memory would be effected. 'you' loose all memory of the events that had happened. Only remember the literally night before all hell broke loose.
But since it's all over and the savior has awakened... everyone looks to said character with want for guidance. But now you have no idea of the world you've awaken to. Having to learn it all over again.
The damage is repaired but you have lost those memories. Having to build new ones and adapt to the new life of being the 'savior'.


Ranting more...

That last story idea is based off of a dream I had and I've always felt I'm not even close to being a messiah. Yet having to experience that for an hour or two was so dizzying.
The idea comes of how would anyone react to that?
Nightmares anyone?
Any one have something so terrifying that it makes you lie awake at night worried you'd have it be repetitive?
The next story might give the same feel... once more based off of nightmares.
I'll explain before going into my idea of either role play or typing out the story in-depth...
" The most beautiful person I've ever meet..."

Imagine being cloaked and wrapped in darkness and holding your definition of the most beautiful person. Not just attractive, not just sexually arousing or alluring. Just mind blowing, awe-inspiring... And you're holding that person while naked. Not having sex, or being sexual... just holding them and happy and content.
Then as a light draws closer in the darkness, you see this person try to talk to you. You strain to hear with all your might while thinking they're whispering.
When the light hits them, the largest, scariest creature you've ever seen is now holding you while drooling from it's spiked teeth filled mouth. Moving closer as if to devour you... then as the light leaves this person is instantly a this stunning visage of humanity.
Confused and terrified you hear them now trying to reassure you... then the light returns... ( for me it was a Queen Alien from the Fox / Segorny Weaver films )

Now imagine randomly having this dream over the course of years before one day bumping into this person in real life...
And that person now wants their world to have you in it...
Can go so many directions, really a monster but gentle and loving... perhaps they're a monster on the inside and human at it's 'finest'. (sarcasm)



Well...
It's getting late... one more hustle-standard ' Hungry'.
And one more idea of a story....

' Energy within'.
Imagination is key here...

Depending upon what you feel when a song hits right, or lyrics travel up your spine like icy little fingers... you could imagine several things. the essence of you leaking out threw portions of your body... Be it in color or ethereal.
Imagine that one song that makes you feel live and sends those shockwaves and goosebumps over your body... Then turn that energy into a manifestation.
Is it an extension of your body?
Is it a creature you control?
Is it just raw energy that courses out and powers you?

For me it all depends on the song.
The entire focus of this so vaguely loose story: Humans are becoming 'more'.
Able to manifest these powers from sheer will and energy out of their bodies. Fighting as well as growing in numbers.
Is it possible it's like a disease that spreads and infects others? No harmful side effects? Or is it that only one person can infect normal humans for this?

-----------------------------------------------------

In short,
I'm tired... it's been a long day.
Mull it over...

Yell at me via pm if my idea of brainstorming here is in the wrong place of suggesting rps.
Be 'cute' in every definition, context or idiom.
And finally...

I'm thankful for everyone that views my journal.
Rarely does anyone say anything...
So... thank-you...
The reader...

Sleepy...
itchy-tasty... ( gold star if you know that reference... )

zzzzZZZzzzzz

Been gone a while... Not gonna lie... might be having to work a bit passed my usual until spring.

Apologizes to anyone I'm leaving hanging.
If so please send a pm!

I'll reply as soon as possible.

If it takes to long... well yell and kick at me before moving on.

Xoxo's to all of you.

Until later...

- Hidden

3/10/2013

Time feels as though it's drifting threw my hands like water carried by the current... rather then grans of sand threw my finger tips.

To be honest and up front I think I should share something with those that care to read.
I'm damaged goods. In real life... I have problems that tend to strain family, friends and even relationships with co-workers.
Forgetful, hard at hearing... but I try to make up for it by continuing to put my all into things.
I also try to only explain a fraction of the pain I suffer day to day.
I don't like explaining how there's little bits here and their in my back and knees that hurt. So I smile and put the pain away. Ignore it because it'll never stop.
I don't ask for pity or positive attention for my stubbornness in terms of survival...
Rather to be thought of as just someone with a few more scars. lol.

A recent therapy/counseling session went outside. A first for the almost two years that I've gone to the clinic.

We walked around the parking lot that lead into a bike path / hiking area which mirrored a stream some few yards off.
While talking I with my councilor I was asked to describe what I see. So I did.
Pausing at a dormant tree with various limbs fallen from dead weight and sections of bark exposing it, I went down a rather scientific explanation. All of the organisms that live teaming within the areas that did decay while others still ran water threw it's root system to other plants in the area.
Continuing on I recounted to some of the more after-work things I've been striving to do. To help change my lazier habits.
Going to a boxing class, actually going out to drink with people I don't know. All together with various other little things... continuing to try and simply exist outside of work and being rat holed in my apartment.

Once we reached a blown apart and long since burnt tree I chuckled before having to take a moment to keep myself from laughing at the irony.
" Tell me what you see here... "
Once again the explanation came and while it did I continued to laugh a little.
The tree had been blown the fuck up as well and continued on living. Lightening had struck it - 'Thunderstruck ' AC/DC
'Highway to Hell' had been playing when my vehicle the first time got lit up.
I walked away but there would be more later.
"... so in short... I see what you did here..."
Taking a moment to marvel at the similarities and how this massive living organism hadn't given up and survived. Perhaps by nature or an effort, more then likely luck... we had survived our Earth shattering events.

To help explain my nature on a zodiac side of things-
Chinese zodiac - OX
Chinese Element- Wood.
I'm a stubborn worker. lol

More then likely explains why I focus on others more then myself.
Explains why I felt great that day.
Late afternoon sun, smell of moss trying to grow near the cold icy water.
The shade moving from the leafless branches dancing over head.

- Enough of that... perhaps my brain has dropped enough off.
I know one or two people have found interest in the rants and raves of myself.
Hope I can continue to simply entertain.


Battle scars.

The wound heals but it never does
That’s cause you’re at war with love
You're at war with love, yeah

These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle

Never let a wound ruin me
But I feel like ruin's wooing me
Arrow holes that never close from cupid on a shooting spree
Feeling stupid cause I know it ain't no you and me
But when you're trying to beat the odds up
Been trying to keep your nods up and you know that you should know
And let her go but the fear of the unknown
Holding another lover strong sends you back into the zone
With no Tom Hanks to bring you home
A lover not a fighter on the frontline with a poem
Trying to write yourself a rifle
Maybe sharpen up a song
To fight the tanks and drones of you being alone

I wish I never looked, I wish I never touched
I wish that I could stop loving you so much
Cause I’m the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren’t the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it’ll never be over, until you tell me it's over

These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle

(And just leave then)
You shouldn't have but you said it
(And I hope you never come back)
It shouldn't have happened but you let it
Now you're down on the ground screaming medic
The only thing that comes is the post-traumatic stresses
Shields, body armors and vests
Don't properly work, that's why you're in a locker full of hurt
The enemy within and all the fires from your friends
The best medicine is to probably just let her win

I wish I couldn't feel, I wish I couldn't love
I wish that I could stop cause it hurts so much
And I’m the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren’t the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it’ll never be over, until you tell me it's over

These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle

I wish I couldn't feel, I wish I couldn't love
I wish that I could stop cause it hurts so much
And I’m the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren’t the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it’ll never be over, until you tell me it's over

Cause you've set me on fire
I’ve never felt so alive, yeah

Hoping wounds heal, but it never does
That's because you're at war with love

And I’m at the point of breaking
And it’s impossible to shake it

See, you hoped the wound heals, but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love
Hope it heals, but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love!

These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle


These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle

3/10/2013


Reading that back even felt down... oops.

lol.

Here's something more...

"Own Little World"

My own little world

Mutual sight, mutual sound
Mutual struggle, for shared ground
It's safe to say, they'll try to take from me
I'm just another one for them to break down

Steeped in denial, the daily grind
Dream of a world for me and my kind
It's safe in the alternate reality
So stick your standards where the sun doesn't shine

They're for themselves, it doesn't matter what they say
Promise the world then take it from you anyway
They'll break you down, making your vision fade away
It's time to go, get outta my space

Welcome to a world where the air I breathe is mine
Nothing to overwhelm me and nothing to cloud my mind
Be anyone, do anything I'd ever want to try
Time doesn't exist here, I will never die

(My own little world)
My own little world
(My own little world)
My own little world
(My own little world)

Explain the reasons, explain the rhymes
It's not required, inside our minds
It's safe to try, no need to justify
Or take their guilt trip at the end of the line

They're for themselves, it doesn't matter what they say
Promise the world then take the universe away
They'll break you down, making your vision fade away
It's time to go, get off of my case

Welcome to a world where the air I breathe is mine
Nothing to overwhelm me and nothing to cloud my mind
Be anyone, do anything I'd ever want to try
Time doesn't exist here

Slip into a world where the air I breathe is mine
Nothing to overwhelm me and nothing to cloud my mind
Come with me into it and you know what you will find
Time doesn't exist here, we will never die

(Our own little world)
Our own little world
(Our own little world)
Our own little world
(Our own little world)

My own little world
My own little world
My own little world
They're for themselves, it doesn't matter what they say
It's time to go, get out of my face

Welcome to a world where the air I breathe is mine
Nothing to overwhelm me and nothing to cloud my mind
Be anyone, do anything I'd ever want to try
Time doesn't exist here

Slip into a world where the air I breathe is mine
Nothing to overwhelm me and nothing to cloud my mind
Come with me into it and you know what you will find
Time doesn't exist here, we will never die

(Our own little world)
Our own little world
(Our own little world)
Our own little world
(Our own little world)
We will never die

Music and lyrics.

3/17/2012

" Welcome to the new age... "

So I'm feeling especially radioactive.
Everyone that I come close to it seems I effect in a less than positive manner.
Part of me wonders if it's for the best?
Also my throat has decided to get infected and go ulcer. Been on anti-biotic meds for a little bit.
Missed a week's worth of work.
Knowing and dreading going in tomorrow. Knowing full well I'll have shit talk to deal with.
More over the oddness of missing so many days.


Enough of the down feeling...
The silver lining. I've quit smoking... again.
Also haven't had a caffeinated drink in a week. Water and milk. More of the water then anything.
Goal is to cut out un-needed crud and get healthy this summer.
Long term goal is to go to a title-boxing at least twice a week.
Three times when feeling good.
More then likely will have to work to that point and not get sick as much.
With lack of cigerettes... and a hole in my throat... I hope to keep that goal of a healthier life going.


So I've been looking around most this week on BM and find myself pausing a lot at a few requests here or there.
Then once I start to try and start an rp I find myself either being the only one posting in length or earnest or just simply being ignored without so much as a reason why they quit. lol.

Go figure.

Oh well...

Hey, you... yeah you...
If you've read this far and have a role play idea... pm me... lets hash something out.
Need more imagination and escape in my life.
I promise at least one OOC reply a day to keep brain storming over the direct of a story if I do get writer's block. If not that then a effort filled post.

lol.

3/31/2013

- Skyfall -

Adele would be proud of this cover.

Lyrics -

This is the end
Hold your breath and count to ten
Feel the earth move and then
Hear my heart burst again

For this is the end
I've drowned and dreamt this moment
So overdue I owe them
Swept away, I'm stolen

Let the sky fall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

Let the sky fall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At skyfall
That skyfall

Skyfall is where we start
A thousand miles and poles apart
Where worlds collide and days are dark
You may have my number, you can take my name
But you'll never have my heart

Let the sky fall (let the sky fall)
When it crumbles (when it crumbles)
We will stand tall (we will stand tall)
Face it all together

Let the sky fall (let the sky fall)
When it crumbles (when it crumbles)
We will stand tall (we will stand tall)
Face it all together
At skyfall

[x2:]
(Let the sky fall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall)

Where you go I go
What you see I see
I know I'd never be me
Without the security
Of your loving arms
Keeping me from harm
Put your hand in my hand
And we'll stand

Let the sky fall (let the sky fall)
When it crumbles (when it crumbles)
We will stand tall (we will stand tall)
Face it all together

Let the sky fall (let the sky fall)
When it crumbles (when it crumbles)
We will stand tall (we will stand tall)
Face it all together
At skyfall

Let the sky fall
We will stand tall
At skyfall
Oh


Music soothes the soul.
I find this one to be inspiring and energizing.
Feel like you could be an over the top James Bond with this playing in the back ground.

Just me.

Been active to say the least.

Working out about three times a week again.
More holes in my skin then intended. Bandage and scabs on my flesh while wondering if scars would be a good thing.
Focused and primed for the coming day's work and eager for any rewards that come.
Leery about the things I must take care off and curious of what this summer holds.
Finding myself craving...
To entertain, to grow and more over learn in a manner where everyone walks away with more then they started. =)

If that makes sense and doesn't seem like riddles...


I know someone checks this from time to time besides DA.
The counter goes up a little more then just two or three people coming to look.

How cold things have been in the last year... I can only wonder about one thing or another. While keeping to my path.
Metaphor aside.
I need to find my own goals. Something that will reward me. Not break or punish.

Well.
Enjoy the music.
The band's other stuff isn't that great but I like this cover.

-S

4/5/2013

A play write I might not be.
A poet in anything but the heart.

I stand with experiences and scars to announce my presence and existence.
Look before me not in a sense of guilt or need but rather in your own choosing.


I know that when my fate comes it shall not be at the hands of time or one of the four horsemen choosing to take me with the lot we run in. But rather out of a last act. Not of closed fist in nature or hatred. Rather focus and with a purpose.
Standing with my beliefs and my shoulders square with the burden upon them as well as my back.
Part of me wonders just how it'll come to this but I know it stems heavily from me being a relic of what my society wants.
They feel the need to feel safe...
But it's an illusion.
While it feels good... my rights end where your feelings seem to begin.
So here I am lost without a line or raft in a sea of misery and contempt.

I fight the urge to shout at the top of my lungs for revolution but know that it'd only bring my own solidarity end.

So I sit and stew like so many others thinking of what else I could do.



Writers block is one of the hardest things to get around. You find yourself coming up blank or stretching so far as to find things that don't have anything...to do with the story.
Your minds scrambles to find other interests and bring them into the story.

Now it's literally questioning if I should describe the less than grand scene I know I'd end in.
Marked by spot light and a media controlled by the corrupt, in the sights of less educated or experienced people. Trying to open their eyes before they focus their retina upon a vital organ of my importance.
Yet knowing they've trained their entire careers for this moment and this idiot yelling about things most brush off as impossible.

So with a final exhale and stern glare, I stand there. Stiff and absolute. Knowing that my end is one itchy pull of a trigger away. One accidental discharge before everyone else lets the lead fly.
But instead of the deafening hail of gunfire....
I hear my alarm as I wake up... wondering what I was suppose to learn from that.
What was my brain dreaming of while I went along?

:exclamation:

It's a fucking Raven.

I'll get to explaining that sentence in a moment but first...

4/17/2013

In the wake of recent news events I find myself torn with how much has been happening to the American public at large. Did our Department of Homeland Security or local police officers just decide ' you know, fuck it... ' Or could the number of people who actually care drop to a number smaller then those who simply want to watch the world burn?

*steps down before kicking the small wooden box away *

Alright I'm off my soap box.

I've come to believe in certain spiritual things recently, more then any one organized religion.
Bringing up stuff from my past- I remembered certain signs and elements I fall under for zodiacs from other cultures.
This came up during my last counseling appointment with my VA appointed councilor.
So instead of brushing it off I took her advice and looked up a few things.
One major one happens to be my spirit animal/ Native-American animal - is- the Raven.
Since simply talking about it, I've had one nearly fly into the open window of my truck while it was carrying a branch. ( not a little stick a huge damn branch longer then my arm )
It's croaked down at me from it's new perch up on the ledge of my water tower where it's moved in.
And more over there's been times it's scared off other birds near my truck.

So I'm thinking of trying to find something to leave out for it, be it more large slivers of a tree or random food.
It's fucking huge too... just sitting with wings folded it's the size of my torso.
Wings spread out it's got to have an 8 or 9 foot wing span.
More over I've been seemingly tested in all fascists of life recently. Work, friends, family, financial.
And it's proved to be enlightening.
Though I'm wondering if it's here to watch my back or try and peck at me.

So the Damn Raven being my animal and all... I find it ironic...
Bringing light to the dark filled world is one lore while another speaks of it being the harbinger of death.

If nothing I think it's resilient for surviving this insane snow filled weather in the mile high area.

Moving on again...

Good news... I'm still single and open to rp with anyone bored enough to put up with me... I mean play...

No music this week...

Take it easy party peoples!

- S

4/20/2013

Nope didn't indulge. Still having a job with a piss test prevents me.
I know I'd have to take a half dozen less pills for my fucked up head aches if I took a couple of puffs instead...but say-la've.
Some idiot shot a few people (non-fatal and non-life threatening ) down town in D-town. Another reason not to go to large gatherings in my book.

In an odd creative mood.
Not really aroused or horny - rather looking to create or be a character that has to jump threw other people's hoops. Perhaps even frustrate the story teller a little, in a good way of course.



Regulator Link

"The Regulator"

I See That Lantern Trimmed Low Burning In Our Home.
And Though I Feel Like Crying, I Swear Tonight, I'll Cry No More.

How Many Times Have I Prayed
That I Would Get Lost Along The Way?

Dream With The Feathers Of Angels Stuffed Beneath Your Head.
The Regulator's Swinging Pendulum.

Come With Me And Walk The Longest Mile.

Is His Wallet Leather? Is His Wallet Fat?
For Not A Year Later It's Got You Lying On Your Back.
You Should Have Closed Your Windows And Got Another Dog.
You Should Have Chained Up All The Doors And Switched Up All The Locks.

And How Many Times Have I Prayed
The Angels Would Speed Me Away.

Dream With The Feathers Of Angels Stuffed Beneath Your Head.
The Regulator's Swinging Pendulum.

Come With Me And Walk The Longest Mile.


Mildly worried how I should be feeling.
Been in and out of my emotions and over thinking things.
Not in a negative manner mind you... not allowing myself to sink into depression, rather touching in and pulling out as it's put.
Right now I really like the idea of making a role play or typing out a story of a universe or at least a world... perhaps two.

Creative, focused but not enough to be overly descriptive.
Then there's the lust for excitement that comes from danger.
Being in the shit so to speak.
That hint of adrenaline with anger and energy for the drive of survival.
Nothing more addictive.
Though to warn I've been burnt out on it before.
Now I wonder... wonder what I could role play over.

Any regular readers have suggestions?
Hell any one that even looks at my journal?
I know I ask for interaction with my readers but I usually get silence... save from the occasional posting.
Which I enjoy and cherish.

Perhaps I'll got to iron out my thoughts before coming back and typing out a proper request forum in the 'Male' requests area.
Perhaps even in the 'non-sexual' area.
Perhaps this is over thinking or simply self-growth?

-----Smoke break ---------- Will be back after inhalation.-----------

5/16/2013

So it's been a bit.
Hello darkness my old friend... I've come to talk to you again...
Not high... just mildly drunk.
Feelin' it tomorrow.

My heart feels unchained and open.
The vault as it where it left swaying in the breeze and my every emotion is without inhibitions. I love and hate all the same but with a bit more obvious in terms of degrees.

So... now here I sit without a smoke and some crunchy trail mix to go with my Kostriker beer... but those two 'dots' over the O for an un-low'e... as I believe it's pronounced.