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Book with the spine marked ' Not so Everlong'

2/8/2012

It's been an interesting week.
Not complaining just stating the obvious.
Looking forward to parts coming in the mail for my lovely Sally ( P.o.v.)
Hoping for more snow this weekend. Could use the OT.
Awh the life of a state employee.

Still imaginative as ever. Just looking forward to more then one day off in a week. I know I should be used to back to back - Week after week of solid work... it's just that I'm spoiled by how awesome things have been going for me.

Well besides the mildly crazy thing.

I believe I've replied to everyone.
If I haven't please so Via PM at your convince.
Talk to you later...

- S:D
 
Alright...
It's a been a while and this winter has been kicking my butt.
2/11/2012

I mean work work work. At least the money is good.
But I still owe so much to people in terms of time and attention.
Thus I am once again apologizing if any of my posts are impossible in terms of grammar or just seem awkward. ( seems like I've said this a few times.)
If anyone is still willing to role play with me, send a pm and lets talk if you want to continue... change something, or start a new.

As of this moment it's been about two weeks and I seem to be craving some form of creative outlet that's beyond driving and pushing white stuff all over the highway while I spray a mix of salt and sand onto asphalt.
Not that I'm complaining mind you... just want to entertain some people while enjoying the creation of a story.

Oui...
Beyond that I've been thinking about using this journal of sorts to post short stories or something.
The idea of someone changing into a golem like monster keeps teasing the edge of my imagination. Not entirely at will but still in control of character's faculties. ( I used a big word !)
Kinda like the thing from Fantastic Four but more or less... eviler in design and look. Form follows function after all.

So yeah...
How is everyone? :huh:
 
...Needing is one things,
Getting...
Getting's another...

2/20/12

Hey there everyone.
Sleep deprived Steve here. Once again about to go on another little ramble and rant...

" ...Oh it don't get much dumber, it don't get much dumber trying to forget a girl when you love her... "

Went to movies with a good bud of mine only to be part way ... well almost done with it... it felt almost done. Safehouse with that one Ryan Reynolds guy from Deadpool and Densel Washington.
Kicking back analyzing the movie with the other military guy, we dissected and disseminated every detail and where quiet enough that only a few rows near us in the back could hear. Kept talking shit and laughing at the end of action scenes where people where just f-ed the hell up. Beaten, ran over or shot.
Just having a good guys out when my phone rings ( vibrates, gotta be polite to everyone else. ) I answered in non-descriptor manner. " I gotta take this... sorry..."
" Hello..."
"Right..."
"Uh-huh..."
" Is it full?"
" Gotta yeah... oh I'm at a movie..."
" Right... I'll be there then sooner than later..."

It was Stuart, my supervisor's supervisor asking me to come in to fill in for someone else on snowshift. Plow driver and all.
But leaving a covert movie with just minutes later my friends piling out one at a time with a few second intervals between them, before I peeled out to be the good DD and take them all home.
That was Nine:thirty last night.
It's now five:thirty something this morning.
After they all got home, I went straight to the shed and went about my job until about a half hour ago.
Brighton up north is caked... plowed the be-gee-zus out of it...

Not really much else to say... but Meh.
:sleepy:

Think I'll bother some people and re-post a few things. Hopefully my grammar isn't ruined all to hell from my deprivation of REM sleep.

*bows... *
Thank you. Yes I know I have endurance.
Stamina in some aspects but the raw continued driving force to keep going.. that works.
( there is a difference... dictionaries... beautiful things)

So yeah... morning... happy Presidents day.
Hope everyone gets to sleep in and has a nice dry road to travel on when you do eventually venture out into the world.

-Falls over out of chair unconscious -
 
2/26/2012

" ...Until your rapture, falls to pieces
Find in me room to breath, simple things... like suffering..."
-Rapture -By: Hurt-

Every time I hear this song I see someone defying the expectations of the impending apocalypse. While everyone else around said person is flipping out, they're staying absolutely calm and doing what they have to in order to keep their family and friends in one piece. Though one by one everyone turns on said survivor.
At times I see a strong and determined mother, with little training outside of camping. Others- it's people flipping out not able to hold against the strength of the constant tide of madness.
Then finally in the end of the song...

"So she walked in the baby's room
Knowing what she should do
Leaves me in absolute horror
She put her hand on its lips
And gave it one last kiss
And sang some tune that went..."

- Body of coreus -

"She swore she heard the voice of Jesus
Telling her it was wrong to keep it
And one more thing, it looked like me
Back when it breathed
Rest in peace
Until the rapture comes to meet us."

This last part is easily interpreted. Things finally got out of hands and he or she is alone having to put up with the fact there's no one left sane.


Deja'vu's spiked again. A few days ago it felt like I was living re-runs of a movie I saw months ago. Everything crisp and as it happened left me a little dazed while watching things happen.
Only time I ever could feel or think I knew things where happening ahead of the re-run going before me... it seemed important.
So i followed my gut and made sure I pulled people aside or moved things before they dropped on them.
It wasn't as if I was saving their lives, but simple little injuries or damages to trucks.
One theory I have is as my brain is awake more then it is asleep, it's trying to push the same amount of melatonin threw. While this going on my already damaged left frontal lobe isn't helping. TBI. gotta love brain trauma.
Since the frontal lobe is everything you are, the judgment center as well as reasoning it could be perceived that as I'm taking in information it's going to be a little garbled before coming back threw my brain and things getting recognized.

At least the demon eating dreams have died off. That and the one where a doctor in an overly white room is no long telling me how I actually see the world around me by 'gleeming' from those near me.
That got annoying. ' You're cerebral cortex is sending information back to your parietal lobe allowing you to gleem information from other peoples surface thoughts... you're just not listening entirely to it..."

Yeah, even in my dreams I see doctors as people crazier then myself.

Any who hope everyone's staying warm and positive.
Going into 2012 from one messy winter to the possible end of the world only makes me concerned about the people around me.
Like the old phrase about driving:
" You can be the world's most perfect driver, but you still have to watch out for the other idiots on the road..."

Beyond that...
I'm good...
:p
 
"Hello
I've waited here for you,
Everlong
Tonight I throw myself into
And out of the red
Out of her head she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me
Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head
Out of her head she sang

And I wonder
when I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breathe out
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in
And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head
Out of my head I sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when"

Everlong By Foo Fighters
 
On this view number,
1776, I declare mental independence. Well kinda... I think...
Anyone have any Excedrin ?

3/6/2012

So I've taken a second mental leave day in a row.
Every couple of months or three to four... I basically drop out of work, take time off and try to get the thoughts and questions swirling around my cerebellum under control.
" Could I have done better?"
" Should I be preparing for whatever the next 'big-bad' that might be showing up?"
" Should I find a new field of work? What else would I be doing?"
All of these questions and more come to mind. Typical thoughts with a strong undertone for defensive as well as offensive thoughts.

Recently my mind has been wanting me to do something...
Get in shape, quit smoking... typical dreams shown to me during the hours at night and early morning we all snooze. Except more and more frequently I get these dreams that are repeating in one aspect. Something is after me.
It's never the clearest but it kills the shit out of any one that I pass or tries to stop it.
Similar in shape and size to a Queen Alien from the 'Alien' series.
There's time I'm having to throw myself over obstacles just to stay inches ahead of teeth and claws.
Some nights the entirety of my sleep is filled with not dreams but full blown nightmares where I'm doing everything in my power to keep going and staying one step ahead of not just the angry bitch but all of her brood.
Their are differences from the alien series and what I see. Some times they have eyes, most of the time they don't.
Some times they have odd looking limbs extra in nature, others they're sleep and animal like in both movement and function.

Yet the part that scares me is it seems my most repeating and long running dream has stopped.
It's this one where I'm holding this beautiful woman in my arms, both of us are naked and at peace. Nothing sexual yet. Darkness cloaks the both of us and as a light comes around it shows this lady as being basically that queen-like creature from before.
Imagine that sort of coyote ugly. Not only will you try to gnaw your own arm off, but you'll get assistance.

Zombie dreams have tapered off.
I think of if a zombie virus where to spread most of the US populace is now cultured to the idea of such an event... knowing more over what to do.
How to survive, disposal of zombie remains. ( don't burn them unless you have respirators and a large mass grave ready to be filled in instantly...)
Most of all I don't think I'd have to many problems from the re-animated.
It's the other humans also trying to survive I'd have to worry about.
Once any manner of law and order leaves, the strong start to believe they are the only ones fit to survive.
Family men turn to savages in order to take the supplies they need for their family. ' Sorry, my family needs to survive more then you...' mentality comes to settle in.

I myself would wait it out a little bit or go bat-shit angry.
The waiting it out implies as it sounds.
Turning off a number of things and boarding up the windows before moving most of my supplies into a small windowless room in my apartment.

I don't like this idea because I'm ground floor... and near a historical section of town. A miniature 'white-zone' as Brooks put it.

I like my 'fuck-you/ you-fucking-fuckers' angry mode.
I load up my ol' body armor and gear that I'm used to. Just enough to notice the weight but not enough to slow me down.
Move around my area shooting the straggler walkers. Get my truck and off road all the way to my job site.
Their I'd steal a 'tanker' plow truck.
There's things have ceramic plastic tanks on the back that are massive and used to holding mag-chloride. A drying chemical that is also a mild acidic in nature. In winter moisture activates it to help eat ice and leave a drying area.
Raising my plow up about shin height I'd drive around the corner to the nearest diesel pump and max out the state's card while laying up top near the tanker with a rifle.
* Clink-clink-clink-clink* the meter is just running while filling a thousand gallon fuel tank I tend to run a gravity feed hose down into the side fuel tank.
Any walker comes my way 'pfft' The reason I love two-liters of mountain dew comes into play.

Once full I do hot laps around roads I know that have large shoulders and medians. Pushing down vehicles off out of the way while smashing hordes of zombies.
I know a snow plow truck can push threw a crowd of people, it can push tones upon tones of wet heavy snow while maintaining a constant twenty to thirty mph speed. And that's with the blade on the pavement.
Lifting it up would cause less resistance while also wounding the hell out of so many undead.
I'd do this for some time.
Then Eventually stay making my way around states I believe friends or family might have survived in.

The orange truck would turn a crusty brown by the time winter rolled around... and then it'd be as simple as swinging a bat here.

Oh well...
Head's spinning... perhaps my zombie plan is a little to much.
Perhaps the dark spots in my brain are about to cause an aneurysm.
That would be the a lack luster way to go.
Small vessel or vein in your gray matter sudden goes and self-destructs causing a catastrophic failure of your entire brain.

" Are you not entertained ?! " * Mimics stock footage while motioning like actor getting the thumbs down*

" I am not an animal...."
" ...But I can't believe it's not butter..."
"...Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage..."
"...Come on detective, I just wanted to feel what it's like to the live the life you did every day... look in the box...."
"...This is your life... doesn't get much better than this, it's ending one minute at a time...YOU ARE NOT A BEAUTIFUL AND UNIQUE SNOW FLAKE !!! "
"...My god... it's filled with stars..."
" I ain't got time to bleed..."
" If it bleeds it can die !"
" GET TO DA 'CHOPPA ! "

"A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
"Hail to the king, baby.”
"You got knocked the fuck out !!"
" Oh behave, Yeah!"

"Some people say it's forgive and forget. Nah, I don't know. I say forget about forgivin' and just accept - and get the hell outta town."

"You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man."
"I'm the Dude! So that's what you call me. You know, uh, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or uh, you know, El Duderino - if you're not into the whole brevity thing."

- "Goin' on a year now. I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!"
- "Oh, God, I can't know that!"
- "I could stand to hear a little more."

"When I go home people'll ask me, 'Hey Hoot, why do you do it, man? What, you some kinda war junkie?' You know what I'll say? I won't say a god-damn word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand that it's about the men next to you, and that's it. That's all it is."

"I know who I am! I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude!"

"Want to know how I got these scars? "

"I'll be back."
 
May the stones now rain down upon my skull...
I have returned... again... yay...?

4/16/2012

This is an excellent example of why I'm terrible at keeping journals.
Gaps in time and entries!

So the last couple of weekends I've had to rack up the miles driving. Not really complaining... just explaining.
A parental unit of mine was fired in some distant windy state that doesn't have a single tree. ( they think they have trees but they really have shrubs )
Over legal reasons I won't name and which she is planning to open a flood gates of pain.

But that is only part of the reason I've been gone.
The main one is work-running into-helping said parental unit move back to the mile high area.
Back and forth, one whole round trip comes up to being about 1200 or 1300 miles. Which I've made three times in this year alone.
Two to help her move, one to visit before all dis went down.
so this last weekend was going to finally be a couple of days off!
Blasted mother nature with her snow/sleet.
Called in the middle of the night by a frantic short (height not attitude) man, I'm sent out into our already down blizzard. ( post slushy-storm clean up)
And this last sunday at about 8am I finally close up the yard and lock the gates.
So being infinite in wisdom, I go about staying up until five in the afternoon. Upon passing out I awake this morning at five am.
And we've come full circle.
Work, family issues, friends within reach needing help, oh and I'm still happily sterile and without anything that could make it burn when I pee. lol.
Gotta love full spectrum physicals.

"El cha-cha-cha
El cha-cha-cha...

2 week vacation
Costa Rica, see Amorica
Young ladies, oh Eureka!
so many there to score-ica
Cruise the ocean bars with some similar-type fellows
Little latin lovlies drinking gin and mellow-yellows.
please give me a towel
mr. tangerine speedo
you're all over town
tangerine la la la la la la la la
nowhere to go
nothing to do
I'll be as gentle on you as tearless baby shampoo
back to my bungalo
in flesh-toned kimonos
come a little feel the Sting of my Bono
no no no no
the talk of the town
mr tangerine speedo
how you get around
in your tangering la la la la la la la la
little latin lovlies
little lovlies drinking gin and mellow yellows
in my bungalo
loving me
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/caviar-lyrics/tangerine-speedo-lyrics.html ]
tangerine la la la la la la la la
all the french girls go "zout a lor no no"
no, no zout a lor no no
coming at the target
you're as straight as magellian
if you got a secret weapon
well you sure as hell ain't telling
cause your mouths made an offer
that the body cannot veto
no woman can resist a man that looks good in a speedo
give me a towel
mr. tangerine speedo
you're all over town
tangerine la la la la la la la la
talk of the town
mr. tangerine speedo
how you get around
in your tangertine la la la la la la la la
little latin lovlies
little lovlies
drinking gin and mellow-yellow in my bungalo
zout a lor no zout a lor no no
zout a lor no no no no ""

- Tangerine speedo.
Reminds me of a '50's James bond-ish scene... Always makes me smile when I hear it.
 
All the other kids with their pumped up kicks better run, better run... out run my posts...

4/24/2012

" You can be me and I will be you! "

So I took a mental day today.
I do it now and then when shit feels a second away from hitting the fan.
Media was going to be at the head offices today for 'Remembrance day' at C-Dot.
I hate television media more then politicians. At least with suits you know when their shit spouting starts and ends... ' When they open their mouths of course! '
The media will warp footage, voice files, and interviews to either the whims of the station affiliate or simply on a care to get more ratings.

Enough of energy towards that...
Lets see, Finances & payroll stuff... boring won't want to hear about that... well read anyways.
Relationships... still feeling pretty single. Hands are about 'this' close to filing restraining orders on me while I'm alone in my room.
Entertainment: ?
Waiting for various video-games to come out.
Finally got to see Underworld: Awakening today. Enjoyed it so much I watched it twice.
Watched some other things to help stimulate the ol' mental pathways.

Though Sex driven or seemingly sex drive replies will take a little bit... hehe... about three separate 'sessions' Drained me of certain... 'creative juices'.

* looking back at quotation marks *
' unidentified flying object'
' celebrities'
' Reality shows'
* Make the hand signals with me now...*
hold up both hands as if at gun point... good... now curl your pink and ring fingers... alright halfway there... Okay now when saying there words in the quotation marks, extend then curl your remaining fingers ( Pointers and middle fingers ) as if making a fist before straightening out said pointers and middle fingers while keeping other digits stationary.

Simple instructions?

With me now...
' Aliens '
' Oprah'
' ligament'
' Hoser'
' Vampires'
' Bear'

These words and just about any other which can be used as sexual moves or references can now be your fun zone when others are staring at you for no reason.
Use it when insulting people that don't know how to use certain words.
Reticule people for outlandish stories.
Ever use the fingers for pleasure if you're into that...
" Say bear... say bear damn it... ! "

Say good bye shocker... move over for ' Quotation fingers' - They're magic !


Phew looks like everyone gets more then just one ramble.
Must have been eating the good pills this morning.

So beyond the obvious... who here likes breakfast?
Good... because you're eating the best meal of the day.
Eat it... Eat the biggest meal of your day then and only then!
Eat smaller meals as the day goes on... just less and less proportions until dinner... where you eat like a few nuts and a yogurt.
Then sleep...and do it all over again!

When you do this you're adding a helpful little jump start for your body to kick the metabolism into a higher gear. Don't forget to work out for an hour in the morning before eating.
It turns you into a roid-monkey. Angry at everything until you eat.
Heck I'm so angry in the morning before I shower the nasty sweat off my body I have to eat...
Not a morning person... wake up with some healthy 'RAGE' ( using the fingers yet? )
 
Wow... I didn't know it can get that big...

4/26/2012
I had something for this... hmm
I'll get back to you in a minute.. have to finish laundry...


..................................................................................


Okay so as a note for anyone if this happens to you.
If you get tar on your pants or any clothing... or heavy oils...
Get as much of it off of your clothing as you can before you get it into the washer & dryer.
Because the dryer will become a spinning barrel of gooey nasty black evil.

I did this then to try and fix the problem... I made matters worst by spraying to much degrease into the dryer. after words I read the can and noticed it was Extremely flammable. fuck!
So now I'm trying to use wet towels to rub out as much of the stuff as possible before tumbling the towels without heat then washing and repeating before mold can start.
Over all I bet this could have gone better.

D'oh. Won't ever let tar coated clothing go in the laundry again. Well it was actually a little glob.
still...
d'oh !
 
( More wit here then needed, so lack of insertion unless asked for insertions.)
6/8/2012

My brain feels odd lately.
Perhaps portions of it that where rattled loose years ago happen to be growing back finally. Perhaps the dead cells around them have pushed the benign dead flesh aside to reconnect.
Or I'm simply having wishful thinking.

Recently my life has been one around nights.
I don't mind as it means people who normally scurry along during the days are either home or heading to it when I leave for work. Less people out to show proof in my statements ( The sheer number of people doesn't mean value, mentally or culturally. Stupid people in mass numbers... )
Thus I find time to get tasks completed.
Though I don't agree with them all the time... I still get the job done and ask for more.
More to go into on those statements but I'll continue where my train of thought was going. (been told I'm a spiral thinker...whatever that means )

So night work. Exposed to the dark, raw elements, co-workers of various lack of mental acuity. And I'm the worst of them. Because I try to reason and learn from these people.
Each day (night ) is supposed to last ten hours... normally it's twelve on average so any time anyone sneaks off when they should be doing something 'work' related no one says a thing.
Finally since the last project for this round of night work is done... so are we!
But I'm still confined to working nights until July.
I'm not complaining... explaining.
I wish to continue role playing with everyone... talking in other instances...
It's just my replies will be delayed. And I apologize for that.

Wednesday was the last time I got to speak with my councilor ( commenter on the spiral thinker thing. )
I had a huge crush on this woman. Yet... she was taken before I ever came in the tense ball of inverted rage that I was.
The thing about me is I push everything that pisses me off down and bottle it away. Storing it to where I don't know.
Randomly if something does piss me off and no one is near I vent. Usually breaking something that impresses myself. Or hurting myself enough to instantly pull me back from seeing red.

She helped me.
Alot.
For the longest time only close family or friends where told.
So very few. lol.
In the end I knew I couldn't let her go without being honest to myself and her.
So I was polite and curious in my manners of speaking about my feelings.

She started to finally catch on after I gave a CD I burnt of various songs. One she realized had a message on it. Not obvious unless you listen to the songs.
But still noticable.
I felt for her and knew It'd not work. That I'd not be able to do anything to put a smile on her besides my smart ass comments.
So with a simple and honest explanation and a smile... we talked for a bit and the only concern that came up would be the ' transference' that comes as people open up to their councilors.
Still, looking back I didn't think much of her after the first session when I opened up a little bit of my problems and explained what it was I had to deal with being a running bulls-eye.
I left her in tears.
It made me ask myself if it was worth coming to the VA clinic, if she'd be strong willed enough to know just how lucky I was.
In the end she gave me two cards as gifts that she thought I needed to hold onto.
One of all things was a Lama. She believed it was the best animal to represent me. Apparently I have some issues with intimacy. I believe it. lol

The other card was one I had to pick out. It happened to be a frog and meant I took opportunities where I could and adapted in order to survive.

looking back I wish I had told her sooner. I would have been transferred to a different councilor. But I think I would have enjoyed trying to learn more about her as a person.
That's the thing I find beautiful in the beginning stages of any relationships... learning of the other person. Gaining their back-story. Good, bad, nerdy... whatever. It's all what makes us who we are.

So getting back on track.
Busy. When I'm not at work I sleep or get ready for work while keeping my mind going and entertained with people on the road. lol.
Weekends... I run around trying to take care of friends and family.
I care about people but I know no redeeming actions will save me.
I'm supposed to be less judgmental of myself... but I'm a hermit in merit.
I can't stand so many who walk the earth... while I care so deeply about those I feel close to.
Yet... I'm a hopeless romantic. Always dreaming of 'what-ifs' and 'maybe's'.

So to explain the earlier comment.
If anyone has been to therapy or some form of talking with a professional, the possibility to a 'transference' happens. At times it's when the patient has opened up, when they never really thought of doing so to anyone.
Or just time does the same thing.
My next slated councilor is a female as well. But from my understanding she's from Texas and about to start up her masters degree.. I think she can handle someone like myself. lol.
How I put off the obvious lusting and desire was simple. I reminded myself it wasn't about me trying to find someone for a night or even wanting to stroke something like an ego. It was to get help and grow.
So I used my natural defenses ( humor, being animated, and of course the 'eyes'. If you've meet me you'd know I have a pair. lol)

brb journal... I just got one unread private message.

Awh... taken care of.

*Pauses to enjoy a song - it's like stopping to smell the roses. *
Alex Clare made a damn good song. If you're tastes are similar to mine that is. Electric and jazzy with a hint of blues that saturate the lyrics.
look up ' Too Close' if you doubt me.
Makes me want to go forth with a bowler hat and a large coat and do good. lol.
Then again I am drawn to the idea of being that odd tall dark and mysterious figure.
Then leaving before anything can be determined. lol.
The whole vigilante charges tend to suck. Oh and rescuing someone can go badly to. lol.

"... I can't hide no more, I can't lie no more, I have to be true to myself... So I'll be on my way.... "

* enjoys it a little more, without enjoying oneself... matters where not taken into one's own hand this moment. lol *


I think my mental train derailed... shower time before I wander a bit and try to be more social with the 'yard-pig' that mingles about this country.
lol
 
6/12/12

Well hello everyone.
Another early morning for the world and late hour for me.
Will continue to be running nights until July.
Miss everyone on this website.
Still really enjoy several of you.
Hope my absence or random vanishing act isn't going to far.

Look up this song...
It helps the feel of the moment...


(( check it out on youtube or itunes... I bought the song because I like it))
"Too Close"

You know I'm not one to break promises
I don't want to hurt you but I need to breathe
At the end of it all, you're still my best friend
But there's something inside that I need to release
Which way is right, which way is wrong
How do I say that I need to move on
You know we're headed separate ways

And it feels like I am just too close to love you
There's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more
Got to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
So I'll be on my way

You've given me more than I can return
Yet there's oh so much that you deserve
There's nothing to say, nothing to do,
I've nothing to give
I must live without you
You know we're headed separate ways

And it feels like I am just too close to love you
There's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more
Got to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
So I'll be on my way

So I'll be on my way

And it feels like I am just too close to love you
There's nothing that I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more
Got to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
So I'll be on my way

So I'll be on my way
So I'll be on my way
 
Vector... is Not Secure...

( Liquid stranger - jolt )

Hello Everyone.... Well at least all two of you.

It is I the perv that might deserve.

Keeping your roads open and your eyes reading to naughty little things, which go bump in all the right places... not just the night.

If I've yet to re-post / reply I promise to take time and give a lengthy bit towards you... least I can do to give at least a half smirk to you.

In recent trends I've found myself trying my best to get out more and explore what it means being social.
No more bachelor frog sort of stuff. Though the electric fence is something I swear to never pee on again.
In lighter tones I've begun to make a felt impact around my 'world' of sorts. Work, friends, family.
Not just being the nice guy but in reguards to doing things for them others might not be able to.

" ...Rocket launcher! "
" Boom!"
" Blam! "
" Yeah, Burn'em. ! "

Sorry random interruptions for music quotes.

SO!

Send a pm if you want to chat, yell... complain. Demand an explanation on why I still don't believe 42 to is the answer to everything...

Laters...
*Goes dub, wud wud wuding away *
 
Well over a year now...

Hard to believe this is the longest running journal I've ever had.
Makes sense though on the side that I am a pervert and enjoy all things with which one can do to find 'pleasure'.

8/25/2012

So yeah,
I've been gone a little bit.
Summer was busy and I should have a better excuse other that...
'Sorry work!'
But then again real life can be demanding.

Who knows, this time next year we could all be having to right for our survival in some horrible waste-land with mole-rats and super-mutants running around some nuked out world.

Can only hope, huh?

More over I've been trying to quit smoking. Stuff is bad for you.

Down to a handful a day. When the worst I ever smoked was about three packs in a 24hr period.
Time to kick my soap box away...

I'm back... again.
Sorry for being gone for so long friends and... wait... there's still just that damn tumble weed rolling along...
-Sigh-
Well at least the crickets didn't leave.:D
 
>.< o_O

8/26/2012

Checking again because it has been a bit.

Got debris crew tomorrow. I'll be driving around the lovely Denver metro area collecting stuff up out of the highway.
So if you live in the rocky mountain city please, tie your stuff down tightly. I don't want to have to pick it up... seriously. lol

So onto other things. Many people I used to talk to vanished or are no longer on this website it seems. Or I've literally pissed off by being gone so long...
But oh well. Say'La-ve.

Things have been alright. I've been a little more isolated in my time off from work to balance my week days going until I pass out near my bed. By no means do I get angry over it but rather just busy.
After work I tend to be doing something or another with people nearby. Running around taking care of my own bs. Etc.

This week though I wonder what will come.
I'm interested in a new little tavern up the street from where I live.

Working to try and save money but every month I'm still broke and wondering where it all went. Not complaining just stating an observation.

Hope any readers still out there know I'm thankful for the attention. All two of you. lol

Oh man, so anyone know any good-nasty jokes?

-------------------------------------------------------
Current rp's have peaked my interest and I thank those that currently allow themselves to be bothered by my semi-literacy... and I'd like to thank the academy...

Never understood why you'd thank those that voted for you to win something.
It's like saying... ' Thank you for thanking me...'
It's an acknowledgment to their skills or accomplishments.
An award is a tangible form of showing others what you've been recognized for in terms of skills.

I had a few in my time. More generic and 'thank you for doing your job' awards.
:D

So yeah... Work tomorrow.
This will be my last ten hour work day/ for four days on and three days off.
Leading of course into a nice holiday.
I feel like I should be doing something this labor day weekend. But I'm not sure.

If you have suggestions by all means post.

:p

"...but I wouldn't want to catch you hung up on somebody you used to know! " Damn that song being stuck in my head. She really does go to a high note.

*changes the randomize on his itunes *

" ...151 rum don't stop partying until the cops come... " wait wrong section hehe... that's when I drank less actually.

*click*
"There's a fire starting in my heart
reaching a fever pitch and bringing me out of the dark... "
Adel. What, she's awesome.

*rolling my eyes I click over to more expected rock *

" Penetrate penetrate all the simple minds, they adore what a bore how they stand in line... "
What is 'Turn me on Mr. Deadman by the former band 'Union underground', Trebeck ?"
"...Yeah I want it, I need it..."

Well now to just kick back and meh.

Night ladies and gentlemen.
 
8/28/2012

I've been having more and more vivid dreams and upon waking up minutes ago, one sticks with me.


--------------------------

Upon getting notified I was needed for some sort of help, due to reflexes and tactile control tests being absurdly high...
I was stuffed into a deep sea submersible before having it and myself undergo a few rounds of pressurized testing.
Right off the bat I'll explain why this would be a no go.
I hate deep sea anything.
I hate being in a place where the water is deeper that I can see.

And yet in this dream I was sent to go repair cable lines for an oil driller and resource collector over ( wait for it ) THE MARI-ONUS TRENCH!
That's right the world's deepest section ( recorded thus far ) of ocean.

So I'm being lowered by a cable and if for any reason it would break, I had enough power and air to start working my way back to the surface.
Slowly of course to avoid the 'bends'.

Going down further and further I had to encounter portions of this rig that happened to be sitting over the side of this forever and pitch black looking mouth. My lights would only shine so far and my work was tedious to say the least. Most of it was reconnecting things before they could fall deeper under their own weight.

Finally I hit the floor for my little coffin with lights.
The deepest it was rated and I had to start rigging up lines to the side of this cliff where part of the rig sat.
During that portion I started to see lights around me ( yes via abyss type stuff )
Looking around with absolute fear I tried finishing my work as fast as possible, not wanting to stay down their a minute longer.
( More over my submersible was about the size of a bob cat skid-steer where I was sitting )
Turning back after checking a few things my eyes came to see the eyes of another creature staring back at me threw the glass.

Then as the return cable gave a good yank...

I woke up...
 
9/5/2012

So guess who sick and feeling a bit out of it?

Yup... that's me.
Inner ear on my left is in pain and throbbing. Went to the doctors, stayed home with some other nasty symptoms... boy that was a waste of time.
Couldn't even get a little bit of low-grade anti-biotic.
Since I've been little this was a problem.

Tonsils and adenoids removed when I was five, and tubes in my ears.

Less infections and a few more upper respiratory infections. Feeling really out of it.
Throat is sore and energy levels are in the toilet.
Only time I can move fast enough to be worth anything is heading to the rest room lol.
Not the most impressive level of toughness.
But tomorrow I will be making a conscious effort at work...
Gonna take my new list of pills besides all the herbal supplements.

Keeping thinking something is going to happen now. Now that I'm all sorts of weak and Flem-y... yuck. lol

For those few that read my updates... head aches have fluctuated randomly.

Alright...
So I am a single male in the Denver area.
I work for the local DOT department.
If you can narrow it down from all the past information I've provided I challenge you. lol.
In my moment of weakness I make a funny.
Though I still believe even in my weakest moment I'm better at certain things then others.

So the old saying - " I'll take you on my worst day..."
Depends on what we're doing or the challenge lol.
Right now if it was rocking out around loud noises, you'd win.
Or having to drive... which is sad because that's my bread and butter in terms of transportation.

Wee... dizzies... more fluids needed.

Well if anyone wants to duel in any manner... here I am!

lol
:D
 
9/8/2012

I stayed home from work Weds-Friday.
Sick from my throat and ear. More likely an ear-infection mixed with a sinus cold of some sort.
I'm sick. lol
I got antibiotics and I'm taking a regimen of other herbal pills mixed with plenty of water and a BRAT diet.
This ain't my first sick rodeo.

Looking forward to simply kicking this bug out of my system.
If it persists past next Friday I'll go in again and ask for more.

I've also quit smoking... Haven't had one since last week.
Looking forward to getting over my sickness and hitting the work outs that I can manage to get my ass into doing.

If we have free time at work I also plan to do push ups away from co-workers to try and keep my strength up.

Just little ways of preparing my body for a new standard I wish to maintain.
Just so weak right now. It's pitiful.
lol

Well here's to me bothering all two of my fans...

I'll make a change for the better... ' yeeeesssss' .

Until later.
:D
 
9/9/2012

So
I've had this journal as well as a membership with this website for almost two years now. Almost being the best word.
I'm about to turn 27.
What if I was the cause of half my problems or all of the problems of others.
Interactions can bring a lot of prospective.
Then again people can be random and different from your expectations.

A theory from a rather philosophical Ideology I heard, that rings in my ears even to this day keeps randomly coming up...

" Before me there was nothing and after me there will be nothing,
The universe came into being when I was born and will end when I die."

My mind can't bring up the original person to quote this but for some odd reason, from everyone's perspective... that is the way it is.
No one knows of the world before them other then the history they are told by others that claim to be older and show more wisdom.
We all know there was world be we existed and thought with reason and self awareness. We all know there will be a continued life for other living beings after any of us leave.
It's just that I lost the wonder and perspective of many things rather early.
My own mortality I suppose was given to be with a bit of fur and a red stain before the apartment complex my parents rented when I was absurdly young.

A pet had been ran over for the um-tenth time. I thought for some reason our cats happened to go to the vet for whatever reason and got traded for another one because the other one was hurt. Or something to that effect when your younger than five.
This one particular cat, that I came to have some affection for vanished.
An entire day. Cat just gone.

Next morning, early about this time of the year I was being brought out to go to pre-school if I remember. There laying in the road before the parking lot happened to be the cat. It was there my question was answered as my step father peeled the mangled pulp remains up...
" What happened? " -me
( for lack of better words since I was so young I can't even remember the animals name... ) " the cat is dead... " -mother driving from apartments.
" Will he get better ?" - me
" I promised to be honest with you, and I won't baby you because you need to get strong... he's dead..." -Mom

Being so young and unable to comprehend I thought about this before asking upon such mortal things.
Finally my mother answered simply.
" It's life and the natural order of things... no one can alter it or fight it... eventually everyone dies... I will one day to... and hopefully far after I do, eventually you will. "
In hind-sight, my mother was trying to be gentle and honest in her response.
It was something huge to drop in the lap of a four-year-old. But it helped.

I honestly believe that memories can bring things back for you. Triggered by a sensation or scent... one of the five senses... six if your psychic.



Despite my ramblings and limited contact this weekend with the outside world. I have been sick.
Ear and throat infection which required Umoxacilian - which I undoubtedly misspelled but my spell corrector can't figure out.
Long story short this was a time when I was sick a lot as well.
My throat would swell and goo of every color would come up as I got better.
Sick a lot when I was younger so the reference there is I'm remembering it now.

I also happen to be curious as to why at some point in my life ... also when younger... found myself so terrified of my windows I nailed my curtains shut.

I won't get into because I am close to heading to sleep... but for another entry let's just say I may have something going on about me that's less than nice or helpful.

I hope I get better sooner than later.
I'd like tomorrow at work to go smoothly and gel back into my working place.
I doubt that will happen as I'll be choking down an anti-biotic right before work and after I get home.

So here's to me trying my best.

;)

Hope you fun people out there have a lovely Monday tomorrow.
 
9/10/2012

Well tomorrow will be the 11th' anniversary of 9/11.

It was a major event that sparked the change in me, which gave purpose and structure.
It gave me focus and a bulls-eye to aim for.
Not so much hatred as a wanting to improve myself and become stronger so I could be a soldier for this great country of mine.

Yes... I'm American... or as I've read and heard 'Meer-a-can'.

Beyond my past I find that I should set myself a new goal with the coming days.
Since I've been quitting smoking, and will need and outlet while I continue to grow... I feel exercise in a large order will be my focus.
I have a personal goal to become once more on par with when I was at my peak physical condition, let alone more in shape.
My goal is to get halfway there by my 27th b-day in Oct.

My over all goal is to continue to work out even after(if not before ) the coming snow shifts.

I know this is the um-tenth time I've tried quitting and going this route. But something insides tells me I'll manage to make it stick.

Current weight: 263.lbs ( nude, minus a towel. )
Remember I'm 6'2" with a decent arm reach. Come from a bulky set of people. ( German and mostly European-mutt decent. )
That's a 22% body fat index.
My goal weight" 220.lbs or less.

Cardio will be the focus of my work outs. Trying and striving to get better times. Pondering getting a stationary bike... let alone doing more upper body work outs.
I got told I look like the same body shape as 'Johnny Bravo'.
Don't know who that is... google the cartoon. In images.

Hoo-ha, hey!
Whoaw ...baby-mamma.

Well enough of my rambling... I should put something on and put more fluids in me.
After all I'm on Antibiotics until the 21st.
Woot?

*shrugs*

My yogurt consumption has gone up. Wanting to keep all those good germs alive in me while the pills work their mojo.


Thanks again everyone...
Your positive energy helps me grow stronger !

Oh and DA... you are the awesome.
Good mojo your way... the power-of-grayskull!!!! agggh get to the 'copper !
lol

But seriously ...tanks !
 
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