Patreon LogoYour support makes Blue Moon possible (Patreon)

~Venting a bit~

Serenity

Supernova
Joined
Jul 15, 2010
Location
Lost in my own mind
I've always been kinda depressed, as long as I can remember. You wouldnt think it if you knew me, I'm the kind of preppy happy that probably drives people insane. Its not really an act or me faking happiness, but I'm never fully happy, theres this black shadow that hangs over everything and I hate to talk about it, like really hate to talk about it. Mostly because I have an extremely hard time expressing my emotions to people, no matter how much I might want to. It makes me feel weak and stupid, or I feel that they'll think I'm weak and stupid (though logically I know that talking about it doesnt make you those things) and of course every effing time I try I seem to choose the wrong person.

The very first time I tried to talk to my best friend at the time about it, she says to me, “no your fine, you don't seem depressed.” or something along those lines. So I kinda shrugged and said whatever. I was young at the time...well, younger. So I figured maybe she was right, maybe it was just me being a moppy teenager. But the depression never really went away. There's no real cause for it. I was never beaten as a child, or bullied excessively, I have a somewhat decent life with the normal struggles everyone else faces, and despite my loner nature, I have a few good friends that I have a pretty good time with. But its like this ever present black hole that threatens to pull me in. And occasionally, like these last two days, it does. And the very fact that I don't know where it stems from adds to it and makes it seem worse.

I just feel this overwhelming sadness, that swallows me. Sometimes I cant even bring myself to get out of bed or eat. And lately, like the last year, I've felt this terrible restlessness, like I'm going to go insane if I don't do something. What that something is I have no idea. And empty, I feel empty sometimes, like theres nothing left in me to give to anything. I wouldnt care if the whole world burned down around me. And sometimes I really really wish it would. I honestly don't see the point in anything, you're born, you live, you die. If you're really lucky you have people who will remember you. If not its like you never existed at all. And then theres the feeling of being trapped, like I'm living a life I have no say in. I just get so worn down.

But it does help a little to write it out and post it here. Like I said, I have a hard time expressing myself to people I know, so its a little easier to write it all out here, where you all can take it or leave it as you please.
 
Sigh and back to square one.

Venting with my little rant about depression really helped....for awhile. I went back to being awesomely cheerful Thursday night, and of course I had shopping to look forward to Friday afternoon. And then I woke up insanely early for me and couldn't sleep again, I was STARVING, but even that didn't bring me down, I ate and had a good time chatting and role-playing. And then I went shopping! Bought two new awesome toys, of the vibrating variety, and two Blade of The Immortal books, which I'm desperately trying to collect all of. I got some Starbucks and had awesome pizza for dinner. All and all this should have equaled a good day. But by the time I got home from work I was ready to murder someone, for absolutely no reason at all I was pissed, and sad, and just wanted to crawl into bed a die. Sigh. And in about a half hour I have to get up and get ready for work...and Id much rather just go back to bed.
 
Blade of the immortal is online you know..I like the series as well, wish they'd hurry ad come out with the final book already.
 
Serenity said:
Oh really?! Where? Ive tried to find it so many times >.<

http://www.thespectrum.net/manga_scans/?preview=manga_Blade-of-the-Immortal

Its all there if you hit begin reading and shift through. If you like it for the fighting I'd also recommend vinland saga
 
So, the last two days have been better. I feel like a freaking yo yo though, too many mood swings to count. I can be extremely happy one minute, and out of no where, BAM, I wanna burst out into tears, for absolutely NO reason whatsoever, or I get so angry (over stupidly small things) and wanna beat someone. Its exhausting. Very exhausting. But better then what I was. I think it helped that I had a great staff at work today (Work is one of my biggest stressers). I really need to find a new job...preferably before I kill the snot nosed teenagers I'm supposed to supervise. Its just so hard to leave, because while I dislike a good deal of my coworkers, I also am good friends with a good deal of them. Everythings so complicated...
 
I'm not sure what sex you are, but may I suggest getting your hormone levels checked.

I used to be in the same boat, but I had my hormones checked and found I was seriously low on two of them and really high on another. After looking around, I found some natural forms of the hormones and I'm doing a lot better. The mood swings were one of the things driving me mad because I hated feeling so unpredictable all the time. It was kind of embarrassing when having an episode in public by yourself when all you were doing was reading some ingredients on the side of some food in the grocery store then BAM! Tears pouring form my face, hunched over the cart, sobbing as quietly as I could.

Hormones and sunlight. They helped me a lot, so that's all I can suggest. I hope things get better.
 
Sigh.

So things were getting a little better. I made a few changes. Decided to eat a little better, and a little more regularly, as I used to just skip breakfast and lunch and eat dinner at work, usually out of the vending machine. So while I'm still tired, I do find I have more energy to make it through the day with. Im kind of caving a little with the junk food...but I've mostly stayed away from pop, mostly drinking water now, with the occasional cappuccino when I really need that kick of caffine. And I've mostly felt the better for it. And I walk home from work most nights, and rejoined my martial arts class to get some exercise going. All of these are awesome improvements on what my life was before.

And somehow I've hit the bottom of things again. Theres probably a million things I could blame it on. Work being the main one. My boss can be the nicest person in the world, when she wants to. But she flies off the handle so much about stupid things, a lot of which were no ones fault. And its just so stressful when she wants to “talk” to you. Shes so confrontational, and she loves to yell. About absolutely nothing. Negativity is so hard to deal with. I'd rather be physically assaulted then have to deal with it. Nothing dampens my mood faster.

One of the main issues I guess is the fact that I feel invisible. I have like no self esteem and I often wonder if people even notice me at all. If they'd notice if I was gone. Its irrational, I know cause I have a lot of good friends. But its how I feel. Like I'm not important to anything at all. Its a terrible feeling. And then theres the loneliness. I really don't like to be around people all that much. But sometimes I just need to be, and everyones always busy with their own lives, theres no time for me. So I'm stuck at home alone feeling miserable.

Wellllll I guess thats everything for today.
 
*Hugs* Hang in there Serenity. We all have those kinds of days, sometimes weeks, but the key is to not give in, to keep fighting against those feelings as best you can. You obviously aren't invisible, as you know, and the limited interactions we've had tell me you're a pretty cool person to to know. I know its not easy but you just gotta believe in yourself, especially when it seems like no one else will. *Hugs*
 
*Yawns*

I had a rather busy morning/afternoon! I went and got a tattoo,

http://bluemoonroleplaying.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=7428&pid=710788#pid710788 <---- thats it if you wanna see.

And I did some shopping, got a new outfit for dancing on thursday. Anywho, because I was up so early for the tattoo, I'm too tired and lazy to work on any kind of reply to my roleplays, but never fear! I'll reply tomorrow.

Have a good day

Ciao~
 
So. Yeah. I'm kinda pissed. Me and my friends made plans to go out tonight, and I was super excited, went out and bought new clothes and everything, and then one backed out. But that was fine, whatever right theres still the other one. Nope apparently not. She pretty much changed all our plans to accommodate her other friend. So now I'm pretty much left out, I dont go out very often so I was looking forward to it. But whatever I guess.
 
Ok so now I'm goin' ta bitch rant about my stupid boss.

Honestly the woman shouldn't run a store. She's so irrational, the computer breaks? Its your fault, even if you didn't touch said computer, and she lets you know it, LOUD and clear, no matter if theres other employees or even customers standing right there. And she always has something to bitch about, rather then pull you aside and discuss it like a calm and rational being she throws tantrums like a two year old, shes such a negative person...I'm waiting for the day she starts yelling at someone, abruptly stops turns purple and has a massive coronary.

And to be honest, before anyone here says it or thinks it, I would think I was being a little dramatic, most definitely over sensitive...if everyone else in the store didn't feel the exact same way. We have about ten people right now, including me, her only supervisor, and my friend whos a manager in training looking for new jobs. If I didn't have stupid fucking bills to pay I'd quit on the spot. No one should be depressed about going to their job. Ever. You should at least get some fun or whatever out of the work you do. And you most definitely shouldn't be so fucking stressed about it.

Blah. So anyway I have three options:

Shoot my boss
Get a new job
Shoot myself

I'd really prefer the second option as I don't really wanna go to jail and get made some big boned twats bitch.

And I don't fancy an afterlife of eternal hell fire and damnation for taking me own life.
 
Thanks DA <3 ~hugs~ I needed that! though today was slightly better. Shes taken to avoiding me, and I've been avoiding her, so I barely saw or spoke to her today or yesterday.
 
Instead of leading straight into the whining part of this post I'll say something positive, since theres not an over abundance of that in this thread...

Anyway. I'm REALLY excited to be on the Welcoming Committee. And very grateful that I was considered! It improved my day and mood greatly last Sunday to come home to the PM from DA. So -snuggles- Thanks ^^

Now. Today FUCKING SUCKED. It was goin alright until I got to work to find that the effing STORE MANAGER left not even an hour into the shift, with no one to run the store, to go take care of none emergency personal shit. So it was basically chaos there. No one got any breaks during the morning/afternoon. It was super busy and the whole thing was just retarded. I was so mad I was shaking, oh how I wanted to lay into her good. I ALMOST called our head office, I'm still not sure that I wont. But I just found it incredibly irresponsible and just STUPID to do something like that. Anyway. After she got back and I calmed down the day got slightly better. Only to get worse later on. Long story short, a bunch of shit happened right at close and I was there an hour longer then I was supposed to be and completely ready to start screaming and hitting things and beating people. But whatever....story of my life it seems like.

I'm just gonna look forward to getting trashed tomorrow and the two days I have off after that....hopefully something happens to put me in a better mood tomorrow or I'm just gonna snap.
 
*hugs*
Glad that cheered you up. And now, to cheer you up further..... think True Blood. And imagine Eric Northman standing over your bed getting ready to bite your neck. Nice, eh? You have to admit it is! heee!!! <33333
 
No doom and gloom today! yesterday was fairly awesome. Well the night part of it. After work I went to me friends place and we got a fire going and got a few people together and we spent the night just talkin and drinking and roastin hotdogs and marshmellows lol. Until about 4 am when the last of our friends wandered off and I went and crashed on her couch. All in all it was a great night, and I slept a good deal today. Tomorrow though I'll have to crack down on cleanin -_-.

But what made today AWESOME was true blood! I finnnnnnnally watched it DA and it seriously made me go OMG! I loved it....and Bill has now very slightly redeemed himself in my eyes. Only a little though.
 
Sigh. I'm seriously starting to worry about myself...ok...well thats a lie. I've been worried for awhile. I just go back and forth. Happy...or something like it...for a few days and then back to blah for a few weeks, or months even. I'm just so so so tired. Its just never ending and tedious. And quite frankly I find myself fighting for the energy to get up out of bed and face the day. I find that I really have to force myself to do anything at all, I love my martial arts classes yet I find myself wanting to ditch them just to sleep or mindlessly watch tv. And really its not out of laziness, I just don't have the will or strength to move. Or even to want to move. Even when I'm with my friends I'll have moments where I find myself wondering what the point of anything is. I have to fake smiles and laughs, while the whole time I'm wishing I could just crawl into a nice little dark space and sleep for a month...year...the rest of my life. I dont know. Its just getting so hard to even care anymore. I seriously wonder what they'd think if they knew what went on in my head. I'm so good at playing little miss sunshine...argh. I don't even know why I feel this way. Life is just wearing me down I guess...ha.
 
*hugs Seren*
Sounds like depression to me. I've had bouts myself, a few times fairly serious. But mostly what I term 'mini depressions'. However, what you're describing sounds pretty serious. If I were you, I'd find a good counselor or social worker or some such that you could perhaps talk to. Maybe spill what's been going through your mind and the like. You'd be amazed at how cathartic it can be to do that to someone who is completely unbiased, yet wanting to help you. Anyway, that's my suggestion. Regardless, I do hope you feel better. Feeling like that is definitely not a fun experience.
*hugs more*
 
I have to agree with DA on this one, Seren. I don't have any experience with depression - or at least not diagnosed depression - but what you're describing sounds like the symptoms from what I've heard and read. You know I'm always available for chatting if you ever need it. *HUGS*
 
-hugs to both of you-

I really would love to speak to a therapist DA. They're just so expensive and where I work now I just don't have the money. I'm also slightly worried I might need to be medicated...this stuff has been goin on for so long. Years really...its just built up and built up. And thats expensive to.

There's places I could go talk to people I spose, but the only time it doesnt cost money is if your on the verge of suicide or serious self harm. Both of which I've never given serious thought.

And I don't doubt that either of you are right. I've done a bit of research of my own.

And thanks Dare ^^ I might take you up on that sometime.
 
You're welcome Seren :)

I'm not sure what its like in Canada, but in the U.S. there are sometimes non-profits that can help overcome some of the financial hurdles through various programs they run. Something to look into possibly.
 
I had a pretty decent day yesterday...so I really should have known today would suck. I wish I'd kept on sleeping for awhile.

So me and my mom pay for everything, the city is too expensive to live in alone, neither of us makes enough money. But she makes more then I do so she carries the bigger part of the bills...and she just lost her job. So basically we're fucked. Sigh. I have no idea what we're gonna do if we cant make rent this month >.<
 
Back
Top Bottom