The inner workings

People pretend to understand me, try to analyze me and say that the know who I am. They are all wrong. People don't know what I think of those around me - or how I think about myself. They don't know what motivates and moves me. They all try to say they do. But these days I don't even bother trying to let them understand me. There is no point to it anymore.

Hope is a word I cling to. I hope for so many things to get better. But no matter how hard I do - they never get better.

Maybe it's my situation - or maybe it's just me.

I look back on who I was when I first joined BlueMoon - and I don't even recognize myself anymore.

I actually think that's a good thing. Some of my changes are actually very good.


I'm not going to ask for sympathy or offer sob stories. That's childish and well below what I am trying to become. So I move forward as well as I can.

Life is for the alive - and I have to do my best to move forward. Look towards he past for guidance, but look towards the future as an open canvas for my ideals and my goals.

I apologize if what you read is a little confusing. I needed a place to put my musings and thoughts - and a journal is a very healthy outlet. This is the best I have - and it's what I'm going to work with.


I watch the people around me - I do the best I can not to be angry at those around me. I keep my mouth closed more then people seem to realize. I keep things to myself more then people realize. My true opinions on situations - my true feelings.

I keep these all to myself.

Mostly because to do anything else would likely draw up more drama or trouble then I need. I try to avoid that now like the plague - people will never truly understand how much I try to avoid it.

I just want things to be good - I want them to be pleasant and happy. I want work to start happening in a more timely manner. I want a goddamn cigarette.

I want people to understand that I care about them - even if I don't show it all the time. I want people to understand how their actions effect my emotions and mental status. But anytime I try to talk about my feelings - something more important always gets in the way. Something is always more important.

I wonder why I even try.

Nova sat on the porch of her home - the one she shared with Yuki and J. The one she shared with a man that confused her. The one she shared with J's partner, and the Babysitter who would soon be moving out. She sat on her porch - eyes focused on her screen. The pain inside her was building to a breaking point - she didn't know what she was going to do anymore. So many people around her - so many in pain. A part of her screamed to break herself to make them happy. A part of her screamed that she'd be fine so long as they could smile - so long as they could laugh.

And then the other part of her said - that was wrong and unhealthy.


How could she expect to make others happy, if she herself was so far from that word. She had work to do still, Auditions to pass. Bars to go and do interviews at so she could get her 'Tender job. She was doing her best and working her hardest - but still the depression ate at her. Would she ever be good enough? It seemed that no matter how hard she tried - she was always failing in some way. She was trying to fix herself - for herself. Not for anyone but herself - not anymore. There was no point in trying to change for him. She could love him till the day she died - and probably would. But that didn't mean she had to moon over the fact, and keep herself locked up.


She had to move on - as painful as that thought made her body and soul scream. She had to move on - as she always had.


She wasn't going to find anyone new - not this time. There was no next time. She was done with relationships - at least for quite awhile. She looked at the ring on her finger, that swirling celtic design. The one that made her wish that she had just died when she had uttered the words that had freed him. She still wishes she could wake up from the nightmare she is living.

But it's not a Nightmare, this was her life. She was going to have to live it - whether she wanted to or not. There was no easy way out, not a way she could take. She wasn't going to do that to those that mattered.


The Shadow - a sweetheart but a bitch, she had been with Nova for many years. She had saved Nova, many times. But this time Nova was going to save The Shadow. The Shadow was in enough pain already. Nova couldn't bring herself to end her own pain - because it meant more for the woman she loved.

The Fire - a woman who had been there for her nearly as long as The Shadow. A woman who did her best to be there when she was needed. She helped Nova laugh - and Nova couldn't bear to see her cry. Not after the pain that The Fire had been through. Nova couldn't do it.

The Sunlight - the man that she still loved. Still wished she could be with. The one she knew was unhealthy for her - in his current state. In her current state. It couldn't be, at least not now at least. He had already lost so many friends - she couldn't bring herself to the point that she would cause him that much pain. She loved him too much - wanted him happy.

The Wolf - a man she had once loved, once held close to her heart. She had broken him in more ways then people would ever stand. Nova still blamed herself for what The Wolf had become. Someone without any real want or need for a partner. Someone who shunned off the trappings of a relationship. Nova blamed herself - and always would. The Wolf had been through just as much, funny how her small circle of friends had so many problems they had been through. Like attracts like, right?

The Joker, a young man that Nova has come to love so deeply. He is like the little brother she wished she had - while she was growing up. The little brother that she wished she could make happier. She wanted to make everyone happier. And she'd only hurt them by ending her own pain. She couldn't bring herself to hurt him.

The Musician, someone that The Sunlight had brought into her life. Though at times Nova doesn't know if she can trust him. She knows his heart is in the right place. He lends a ear when she truly needs it - even if they are interrupted because of other problems. He truly tries to aid her - help her from the insanity of the world. Though his music is a bit different then what she likes - it has meanings behind it that make her come to understand herself and those around her better.

The Guys(and Gals), though Nova has yet to meet them in person - she is there Megagirl. She can't abandon them like that, not before they haven't even been officially introduced to her. She needs to make sure she at least lets that happen. So many people for her to meet still. Nova still hasn't gotten to see how crazy Turbo is - or how Funny Panther is. Nova still hasn't gotten to meet the Gambler or her Partner Bocker. She hasn't been able to meet M.A.V., or K.I.L.R.O.Y.. Nova hasn't gotten to hug the Commander for real. She hasn't gotten to have a night of Insomnia with Nightwalker, or gotten to listen to country with Gunslinger.

So many people- and so many reasons not to end her pain. Just to live in it, and try to live with it. Though it grows every day, seeing the smiles on those special faces - helps her heal just a little more. But everyday the pain just continues to eat at her. She wants to grow and live, but though she looks to the future - the past still haunts her.

She tries to move past it, through it. Tries to push herself forward. But every day, it gets harder and harder.


She wants to live - wants to thrive. Wants love, and she wants peace.

Maybe she's asking for too much.

Nova sat staring at the gray sky that rolled across her vision. It was a rainy day - a sad day. It seemed like they were back, and she would just have to deal with them. She hadn't slept very well. Spending most of the night either in a tortured half-sleep, or being embroiled in terrifying nightmares. She had the same series of nighmares for several nights now - whenever she did get sleep. She couldn't get them to stop, and no matter how hard she tried - she couldn't make her dreams come back.

Maybe they were gone for good?

She didn't know anymore, she just wanted the nightmares to go away. Even not dreaming of anything would be fine. Just no more of these horrible nightmares - the nightmares that made her want to take a hot shower. Made her want to scrub all her skin off. Made her just want to die.

The nightmares got more detailed - and worse each night. Though they held the same basis. The same mind numbing fear. The fear of being pinned and harmed - of watching others die, or being unable to help her. She was helpless against the fear - against the mind numbing anger. She couldn't get it to go away. No matter how hard she tried. Maybe that was just a common ground for her? No matter how hard she tried - things just wouldn't go away.

She didn't know anymore.

Nova stared at the door as he went back into the house. The moments she got to talk to Sunlight - were there was no one else - were so few and far between. But she cherished those moments she had alone with him. Just as she cherished her moments alone with Shadow. She hadn't talked with Sunlight about much - but it was just enough. It didn't matter if she couldn't be with him - not anymore. Just being able to be friends with him, and be around him, was enough. She could deal with that for now.

It made the pain go away just a little bit.

Every time she got to talk to him - every time she felt just a little better.

Maybe things weren't so bad.

Nova stared at her screen for a moment - the sheer amount of excitement and joy nearly bursting from her fingers. She had done it - she had turned the tides on her face! She had gotten a job, and she had gotten a job that she would enjoy. She would start the next evening, work from a late time to an early time. But in the end she'd start making the money she needed. More then that she'd be doing things she enjoyed to do.

She was going to dance! She was going to dance at one of the best places in her city. One of the best places, she believes - because anyone over 18 can go in. Meaning it's the only place that those rich little 18 - 19 - and 20 year olds can go to spend their money. Meaning she was going to make a killing. The excitement was almost too much to keep inside her. This was it

This was it.

The first night went well. Tomorrow I work again. In the shop downstairs, for five hours, and then a shift upstairs in the club. Gotta make sure to bring food with me, and make enough that I can get food while I'm there.

Note - This next piece is me just writing out my emotions. I'm trying to keep myself from hurting those that care about me - that I care about. This is just what's in my head - my way to keep myself from doing something stupid.



The Doll had danced this dance before - so many times. There was no cutting the strings this time. There was no salvation. There was no point. She had danced till she broke - many times before. What was another dance till she shattered? There was no point any longer.

Her dance had started out so happy - friends and family, prosperity and happiness. Then the dance had shattered - turning sad and turning broken. She had started breaking on the inside - the dance hadn't shown on the outside. The cracks had started inside.

They started in her mind - in her soul. They had started as small fissures, but as we all know - the more pressure applied to a crack, the easier something breaks. The Doll had ignored the pain - ignored herself. Because she wanted salvation and simplicity for those around her.

The Doll's cracks got bigger - she ignored them. She ignored the pain - and she ignored her dance. She allowed the pain to build within her - to break her. She allowed it - all to make her dance appear beautiful. All to make those around her think that everything was alright. She didn't want to be a burden.

Three times she fell - three times she was broken. They say the third times the charm. What started in the Doll's mind - moved to her heart. There was no recovering the shattered pieces. There was no picking up this time. She smiled and told everyone that she was fine - but in reality she just wanted her pieces to disappear. She wanted to disappear.

The Doll danced harder - she tried to keep the smile on her face. She tried to keep the smile in her eyes. But she was realizing the only person she was trying to fool - was herself. There was no fooling the others. They knew - the could sense it. But The Doll wouldn't let them help.

She didn't want help anymore. She just wanted to break - she didn't want to see them happy anymore. She didn't want to see them together anymore. She just wanted to break - she just wanted to die. She just wanted the pieces to go away. She just wanted to vanish.

The cracks went past her mind and soul - went past her heart. The pieces inside were shattered without salvation - and all the Doll wanted was Love. There was no Love - no Peace - no real happiness. She had tried before many times - and she had only brought pain to those around her.

She was a Horrible Doll, a Horrible Being, she shouldn't even be dancing the dance any longer.

The cracks spread then, starting at her feet - at her legs, her fingers and her hands. They spread like spiderwebs and cracked further and further. Her chest cracked, porcelain falling to pieces. Her body slowly turned into a network of spiderwebs. The pieces falling off - leaving behind a child.

A child that wanted her way out of the dark - but there was no longer any light. The light hated her, the shadows despised her. There was no warmth - no sound - no salvation.

The Doll was lost - she would be lost. Wanted to be lost. She was tired - and she was broken - and she was alone.

Saying 'I'm Sorry' wouldn't cut it anymore, trying to apologize only made things worse...

It was time to say good-bye.

The child lost - sought for aid. It came from one place at first. She was afraid to take that hand. Then a voice rang in the darkness - "I do not care what scars you bear. What you feel - is not right. Come from the darkness, I will lead you."

It sang to her, and she found solace - the child lost was now a child found. In the voice of a Singer - she found her way to get out of the darkness. The darkness would not hold her any longer - now there was just anger.