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Dram's Fap Journal

Joined
Jul 5, 2009
Yes. You read this correctly.

I'm not sure how many people know, here on BM, about my somewhat tragic past. Ignore the crap cliche sound of that and bare with me. Thank you.

When I was 8 years old, my Uncle Jim (Or Unkie as we called him) felt it was a good idea to introduce me to molestation. He played it off as a creepy game at first. I remember him removing his shirt in my dad's room as his room was too full of paperback books, garbage, and comic books. He laid on the bed with his belly upwards and he hands above his head, telling me he wanted to see how strong he was. I found it odd that he needed me to show him how strong he was, but usually, stupid crap like this ended up with ice cream or some reward.

How dumb and innocent I was. I listened and sat in his hands as he was going to lift me over his head and chest and see how long he could hold me. Or that's what he told me. It was at this moment, he doomed me to nearly 15 years of sexual retardation. It was this perverted action that kept me from being a normal masturbating female.

For 15 years, I have been experimenting with myself at various times, trying to shed myself of this event. To evolve into normalcy like the rest of you folks. For many of my years following that day (which became 2 years of sneaky tricks and bribing), I have tried putting so many things in my vagina to stimulate myself feeling my clitoris was forever tainted. Little did I know that those feelings of overwhelming discomfort were the beginnings of arousal.

It's only been recently, say in the past 2 weeks, that I've actually made myself orgasm. At age 25, I feel I'm behind. I feel like I have catching up to do. I feel that I have finally shed that horrible event's trauma. I have reclaimed my clit in the name of climaxing! But what the hell does that have to do with you, much less this journal?

I'll tell you. It's in hopes to document my accomplishments from here on (as I can remember to) so I can reflect on my progress. And not in some weird way, but I hope that by describing what I'm doing or some of the things I think about might allow someone who's suffering to realize that you can shed that and evolve into a new you. A lot of my depression seems to fade for a while after I've gotten off, but this is an ongoing experiment with myself.

But this also serves another purpose. It allows me to share how I'm feeling and the things I am feeling with others who may not understand what it's like or just a glimpse inside my head to understand my version of female masturbation. I just hope this is an aid to someone, whether you're fapping to my fapping or if you're learning something, I'll be happy. :)


So here it goes....



Week 2, Fap Session 4

Let's start off with me saying that when I begin, I have to wait until hubby and baby are asleep. I haven't had the nerve to masturbate in front of hubby yet. Though, earlier today, we were about to masturbate to each other while the baby napped... but the roomie came home early from work. What a shame, I was looking forward to his giddy cuddling after. He tells me he's so proud of me figuring it out and encourages me to do it as often as I am comfortable. Even though he's a dick some days, I love that man a lot. To be able to put up with my low libido and my crankiness AND tell me to fap it out. How sweet! Enough gushy crap.

Usually, it's late and I load up gaybeast.com. Why? Because men fucking animals and animals fucking men get me hot. I like to pretend I'm some of the mares getting pounded or fisted. It's quite nice, I tell you. I usually have some paper towels set near by to deal with Lube Fingers. You know, them sticky fingers once you've applied lube? God, it's annoying to use a mouse when it's all gooey. Ahem.

The brand of lube I use is something called Wet. It's not great and when it's gone, it's not being bought again. I've tried KY Silk and that's just as fail. I need to get something else soon. But I load up the freebie movies cuz I ain't paying for porn on the internet. I go for the horse/man videos first because dog cocks are kinda gross to me, but they can be nice if knotted deep in an ass.

With that, I get about 10 minutes worth of movies lined up in my tabs. Before I press play, I apply about a nickel sized blob of lube to my left index and middle fingers. I saturate the clitoral hood, the labia minora, and that space between the piss hole and the clit. Once I'm all lubed, I idly rub those two fingers from the top of my hood to the tip of my clit. This usually takes 2-3 minutes before I have a good start on an erect clit.

One of the thoughts that helped me break through to Orgasmville is realizing that the clit is much like a tiny uncut cock. That thought makes me so hot because I would kill to have a nice looking functional (I mistyped it as fucktional, lol) cock. I've had realistic dreams about being a proud cock owner and I swear I know what it's like to rub one out. They were that real, I swear.

Once my clit is good and erect, I click play on my first video. I usually watch for the horse cunt winking (basically, it's like that breathing-thing a pre-orgasmic pussy does) as that tells me that the man is pleasing the mare and not just using her. I managed to find a few videos of such a thing this morning and that made me quite happy.

I start to rub in a counter-clockwise fashion on the hood that covers my tiny clit. It never pokes out on its own, so I have to love it from the hood or use both hands to expose and 'tickle'. Tonight, I used the hood rubbing method for 3 of the 4 orgasms I gave myself in 30 minutes. I have to reapply lube in between orgasms as it gets sticky versus staying wet, but it's refreshing when you do reapply.

Now, the orgasms themselves are weird compared to the vaginal ones I've enjoyed a few times in my life. My vaginal orgasms are back arching and leg seizing with a choked out gasp. I really don't make much noise when I get off either way, which is weird because I love screaming and yelling while having sex. ;)

Anyways, my clitoral orgasms come on much faster than my vaginal, usually taking 4-5 minutes before I get off from initial stimulation. I have a cool down period while my clit boner goes down and chills out for a minute. Just like you guys do sometimes. I can't, so far, cum back to back yet. It's way too sensitive for me to do it, but maybe hubby can once I get to that comfort level.

The orgasm sneaks up and my legs get numb and seize up for the moments before the orgasm, as does my left eyebrow... which is hilarious as it has a little nerve damage to it. At this point, I'm rubbing my left hand over my hood at a crazy speed and then I feel the strange relief in my body like a warm comforting drug slips through my veins. At that point, I feel my pussy spasm by placing my hand over my vaginal entrance. I like feeling that as it helps me get accustomed to what the hell goes on down there. So much porn and too little education material to be found in it.

But after the spasms subside, I went another 3 times in the next 20 minutes. Each time I had to wait for the erection to go down. I wanted to go for number 5, but my labia minora are a little angry at me right now. Plus my clit is a little numb. lol

As I sit and write this, I feel my labia minora... twitching? It feels like being flicked in spots on them or tiny localized pops inside them near the edges. Very weird and a little annoying. Had several scares of hubby tossing in the bed as well as the baby fussing as she rolled over. And I swear, that dead beat roomie could have been watching me. As I got off the third time, there was a loud crash coming from the really dark room he sleeping in. Sounded like he was tripping over the nightstand that's near his door. With that in mind, I barely managed orgasm 4, and it was far less enjoyable.

Next time, I'm hoping to see how long I can rub on myself before I *HAVE* to get myself off. I want to know what that is like. I know it's not something you'd normally want to feel, but I'd like to know for the experience as it would be totally new.

Thanks for reading. <3
 
I just wanted to say that you're a very brave woman for facing your fears and tackling the problem head on. And it's so very nice to hear that your husband is willing to be supportive in your endevores while you work through the lingering affects of your sexual trauma. I'm cheering for ya! <3
 
Week 3, Fap Session 5


This morning was rather fun. After a long while of horsing around in chat, I let one of my friends get a little closer. They had always allured to having some level of attraction to me and I decided this person had earned a treat. I invited them to watch me masturbate via my web cam. I had already done this before with another friend from here and they also enjoyed it. I'm so happy that people other than my husband and myself can enjoy my chubby pussy.

Now, some people might consider this cam whoring. To look into that term a little harder, it isn't really whoring. I'm not getting paid in anything material and I'm certainly not getting paid to the knowledge of the watcher. They are paying me, in a way, but it's attention. I'm not saying attention whore either. These two have been pretty good friends from here and they aren't asking anything more of me. They aren't acting all stalker like. I shared a gift with them and the fapped off to it, and that makes me happy. That is my payment. Just knowing someone was sexually aroused to a point of orgasm (with their own manual stimulation, of course) because of me pleasuring myself is more than enough to get me to climax a few times.

Back to the juicy bits now that we have that outta the way.

After fumbling around with a few IM clients, we settle for AIM. I'm a little angry that AIM doesn't have a preview camera mode, but I managed with the Logitech software for initial set up. I made sure I got the cam good and close to see all of my pussy. I've noticed something about my pussy that has changed over the past few years. Only 4-5 years ago, the labia minora and the skin surrounding my vagina were deep fleshy pink like the rest of my pussy, but now it is a darker pink brown. I don't like the look of it, but it's nothing I am willing to change.

With my pussy centered on the camera and my low-light filter enabled, I go ahead and start up the cam for my friend. I'm leaving them nameless because it allows them to continue using BM without hassle. On screen is my twat, not really all that excited yet. I whip out my lube and get my clit and labia minora covered pretty generously. I load up a nice video of a man giving oral to a mare. Which is nice on his behalf. Lick her before you stick her. ;)

He had a nice thick cock and I thought about being the mare again. With that huge pussy and a strange cock fucking me. It always works that way or imagining I'm the stallion pumping the man full of my huge cock. That's equally as delicious. As he starts to pound the mare, my clit got erect pretty quickly. The IM screen is good and quiet, which I hoped that my friend was equally aroused by watching me.

Once I had that clit going, I decided to keep playing with it to see how hard I could make it. Well, I'm a sucker and I couldn't go through with taking that long. I leaned my head back and discovered if I take my knuckles right above the fingernail knuckles and rub them across my clit, that it's like a quick burst of a few vibrations. It was awesome, so I kept doing it at a break neck speed until I came, squirting out a bit towards the camera. I kinda wish I was recording this. Hubby would probably love it. I'll do that another night that no one's one to entertain.

Spoke with the friend briefly while idly playing with myself. Made a few comments on the orgasm and was glad to hear that they were masturbating to me. A little miscommunication stopped the flow, but we picked it back up again. One day, I hope to watch someone else having fun while we're masturbating together. :)

So I picked up on round two kinda quickly, but this time, I spent more time with my middle and ring finger in my cunt. I took both fingers together and sorta slapped the upper wall some. It felt a lot better than it had before and I felt like I could almost get off to that, but it wasn't enough to do so. I went back to my clit with an enormous pressure feeling in my pussy area, and I assume that was my cum building up. I knew it was not too many moments later when I did the knuckle pass again and made an effort to keep going while I was climaxing. That was so hard to do, but I managed to make a mess of the loveseat and carpet below. It was an impressive gush that I wish I could have seen, but AIM has this itty bitty window to judge your cam by. What a shame, but I know it was good.

My friend told me that this was their first time getting themselves off to watching someone on cam; that is was a first as normally they would only be aroused. It made me feel awesome that this person, who I came to find out had a similar past as my own, had managed to have an orgasm while watching me. That made my day and I attempted a third orgasm, but it wasn't meant to be. It was much smaller and not juicy at all, but I'm not saying it wasn't good. I liked it, but the juicy squirting ones feel so much better.

We wrapped up and cleaned up just in time. Baby woke up and was having a bad dream, so I crawled in bed with her, nursing us to sleep. I forgot to come back and let my concerned friend know it was all good, but they understood this afternoon when we spoke. Thank you, nameless friend. I had a good time and I'm glad I could share my pleasure with you till the point it was contagious. ;)
 
Week 3, Fap Session 6


This was last night and was one of those super quick fappings. I had the baby going down for a nap, thinking all night about how awesome it would be to make a sexy fap video for my hubby. I was so excited to do something like this for him because he didn't believe me. Well, just as the baby was about to go to sleep, Roomie came home, stinking of cheap incense. I want to shoot that motherfucker some days, but when you don't want to mow the lawn or do the dishes, that fool will do it for a box of cereal and a jar of juice.

Anyways, he seemed a little tweaked out and said he needed to go for a walk. I asked him how long he was going to be gone because I was 'tired'. He says 10... 20... 30 minutes? I roll my eyes as I look away and tell him to be safe as he leaves. I leap up with such sped, I manage to hurt my right hip joint. That shit still hurts now and I've been limping all day. lol

So I ready my camera and get everything going. I decide I don't have time for porn, but I took this time to really study my genitals. I realize I need to trim some hairs I missed the last time I groomed and I was glad that my webcam's software provided a MUCH larger viewing area than the IM clients did. I got to see more detail than I had originally wanted, but it allowed me to be able to showcase my pussy for hubby.

I got my clit really erect after about 6 minutes of rubbing, lubing, rubbing, and 'tickling' it. The damned Roomie comes back EARLY from his tweaked out walk, but thank god I locked the door. I wouldn't want to deal with that situation. With that minor spook, it set me back a few seconds, but I regained them with some quick rubbing.

Not too long afterward, I orgasm and spray a bit, and again I try to make it a longer one, but I keep pulling away as I cum because I feel the need to ball up. No sounds, mind you. I don't want to make any, as I feel they would seem... fake or not genuine, but I feel I have to draw up in a ball as I get off. Very strange. I'll see what happens when I do this laying down as I've only been doing this siting up.

Anyways... I get off, spraying a bit, and I watch my vagina spasm a bit. I wanted to know what mine looked like when it did that as I've seen some crazy porn and wanted to make sure it wasn't some grotesque looking axe wound as I've seen. Please with what I shot AND knowing the Roomie is sitting on the porch, I save the video, clean up with light speed, get dressed, and that that fool in. And he immediately goes to his room to crash.

Both angry and blissful, I rewatch my video and I'm kinda grossed out. I've never found the female genitals alluring in any way and watching me arouse my own was a little nasty to say the least. I put the video in a share drive for my husband and when he comes home, there is a problem. His PC doesn't have a codec for it. ARGH.

So after a few hours, he's finally able to watch it and he blushes the whole time. He couldn't believe what he saw, so he watches the last minute a few times before cuddling me, telling me how proud he is... and when he is next going to have sex with me. I laugh and cuddle him before we have dinner and get off to bed, never answering his question as I'm debating if I can even do this in front of him. It's a scary thought, but I might try it in a week or so.
 
Week 3, Fap Session 7

All day I had been thinking about getting a pair of orgasms on, but most of the day, each available time was thwarted. When hubby came home, baby was asleep. He went down for a nap, she woke up. He left and she finally went down for a nap, Roomie came home. I was so mad, but I knew that I would have another nap from the baby and Roomie had been going to bed early all week, so maybe I would have a moment to rub one out.

Sure enough, I peeked in on Roomie. 100% asleep. Baby? Same. However, the time was 10:52pm. Hubby had been off from work since 10:45pm and he was in transit to the home. I made quick with my towels (I'm finally learning to throw one on the floor so the house doesn't smell like pussy when he comes home!), didn't bother with any porn this go round, and got going.

I managed to get one really nice orgasm out and one so-so before I got spooked by what sounded like our van rolling down our street. The V8 in that thing is loud, so you KNOW when someone is driving it down the way. I paused for a moment and it wasn't him, but it was close to his time to be home. Throwing the towels under the couch, jumping in the shower to clean off my groin, drying it with new towels, I managed then to throw my underwear on and get dinner started only five minutes before he walked in the door.

Talk about exciting!
 
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