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Bird's Nest

bird

bird

Planetoid
Joined
Aug 14, 2010
Location
Spring, Tx
This is just a journal for me to tell everyone who doesn't care what's going on in my teensie weensie little mind.

---

Right now, I'm terrified.
I think I might have just ruined my relationship with my boyfriend.
It's been three wonderful months with him, and we both have admitted we want to spend many more months together.
Well, I'm bad at making choices, and he asked me if we wanted to do anything. We're currently long distance, but we've been visiting each other every chance we get. So we watch movies online together and what not, or play some game.
Well, he told me to stop being indecisive and pick something to watch or he'd go play EVE, which I can't play right now because my computer isn't good enough. I suggested a movie, but I guess he didn't see it, because he chose EVE. I got upset because I made a suggestion and he ignored it, he told me he'd be "done in 30 minutes", which I find incredibly doubtful because he's addicted to EVE. I went to get something to eat.
Well, I'm very lactose intolerant.
And I get self-destructive when I'm pissed. It's something I've been trying to better about myself, but it's hard because I don't know how to handle anger, I suck at dealing with my emotions, which is more horrible, because I have so damned many.
Anyways, I made a bologna and cheese sandwich. Apparently it's really good cheese, because I feel like vomiting because of the pain and cramps.
I told him that.
His response.
"You make me want to play eve long you know that.
Like i want to hear about you hurting yourself intentionally
thats extremely unattractive and unsettling
it just makes me want to be far from you and not associate myself with you"
And...
Now I'm feeling like shit.

And then he makes me feel worse about myself.
"It just pisses me off to no end if you bring that shit up because I'm not there to stop you"
It makes me feel worse and useless and pretty pathetic.
I wish I could be as perfect and wonderful as he thinks I am.

I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling now.
I'm all mixed up inside.
I don't know what I should do.
I'm just under a lot of stress at the moment.
I've discovered ants in almost every room in my house, including crawling all over my kitchen counter where my coffee pot is at, and my dry dishes are.
I'm scared I'm going to ruin the best relationship I've ever been in.
I'm supposed to be picking up a job soon.
My family is in a financial rut right now.
I'm just scared.
UGH.

I'm going to go watch a movie with my boyfriend now,
and pretend everything isn't as stressful as it is.
 
Eh.
He's not that bad.
It doesn't help that I was being a bitch.
But he really is a nice guy.
Hell, he's risking his friendship with another guy so I can move in with him.
Crazy bastard. ♥
I told him he really shouldn't do that though. Dx
 
Woohoo.
Doing work. Fun. Freezing my ass off, awesome. Almost getting frostbite, super. Hugging a very openly jewish guy with a monster for a penis, sweet [wait, my mom told me that it's like that. Dx].
I'm going to go pass out from exhaustion in a second.

I just need to rant about something. YES, involving my boyfriend.
I think I'm too sexual for him. Surprisingly. I'm On all the damn time, and he's up for it too, but he doesn't give me what I need. Yeah, I'm only 5' tall, and I weigh just under ninety pounds, but I'm not made of glass! He treats me like I am though. Sure, it shows he cares, but GOD. You know? I'm very sexually frustrated, damnit. Dx
And he's supposed to be my Master, and I'm supposed to be his pet. I'm all up for it, he started it, but he isn't commanding enough! For an artist, he sure doesn't have too much sexual creativity. Is there a way I can teach my Master to be more... commanding without seeming to take control of him? I want him to boss me around, tell me what to do, make me do this and that, etc. But... he doesn't? Sure, my mind is pretty fragile, but as long as he doesn't mentally humiliate me, I think I'll be fine!
Is there a way I can help him learn?
Heck, he's bought me a collar already, where's my freaking leash? I'm his puppy, damnit. I'm way too eager to please, you know? I'm just like a freaking dog, but I don't hate it.
Ugh, maybe I'm rushing into this?
I don't know.

Uuugh. I'm going to go pass out now, and have horrible, horrible, sexually frustrated dreams. D':
 
Not that it matters to anybody here, but I'm probably not going to be on 'till Monday or something like that.
Today my boyfriend is coming over, and he's disconnecting my computer so he can spiff it up and what not. So I'm hanging out with him all day like the lovesick loser that I am. Then Thursday I'm making Tamales with Mom and him and I are going to hang out some more~
Friday he's leaving, and my Mom and I [ and my sister? ] are to my Nana's house in Nachadoges and we're staying the weekend there because it's a Six freaking hour long drive, and that's way too long to just bring her Tamales.

So... Yeah.


TL;DR:
I won't be on 'till Monday-ish.
 
I was wrong about the Monday-ish thing, and the my-boyfriend-doesn't-know-how-to-treat-me-rough and the other thing where I may or may not be made of glass.
Turns out, he can only be so rough without causing me some serious pain. D:

Anyway, Nanny's house was awesome, and she's a cool woman. 9O years old, and still going strong. She doesn't take a whole bunch of meds because she doesn't need too, and she only needs a bit of oxygen.
So yaay~

And I discovered a trail of ants in my room. D'x
 
I don't think I'll be on the computer for a while.
I fucked my computer up.
I'm having emotional issues right now,
because I can't handle stress,
and I have too much empathy.
I get upset when things for anybody goes wrong.
And I get angry.
And I'm violent when I'm angry.
So I won't be on for a while.
Sorry.
I'm trying to fix my computer.
I'll probably end up breaking it.
Oh well.
I'm being very unattractive right now. Anger and violence are unattractive, yes? So sorry for that too.

BTW: Doubt you'll ever read this, love, but anyways. Just to get it out.
I hate your friend, and I am nothing like him. I'm not addicted to ANY social networking sites. You know what I'm addicted to? Two things. You, and Attention. Don't you dare compare me to that friend of yours. Don't. You. Fucking. DARE.
Love,
Me.
 
Well, it seems to be working for the moment.
Not quite sure.
Might you have any idea what "nvdsys.exe" is?
 
Um, I don't know what Model I have, but my boyfriend does,
and he said that there is no reason that I should have NVidia anything on my computer.
Unless it came with an update for something.
But I just got done uninstalling and reinstalling all of my drivers,
and that didn't do crap.
So, I took nvdsys out of the folder that it was in, and everything seems to be fine now.
So I'm confused.
 
True, true.
I'm scared it's going to mess up more though.
Eh, I'll deal with it when it happens, I guess.

Oh, and, another question,
What is wind.exe? Dx
 
Yeah, after that I thought that I should do the smart thing instead of pestering someone, and google'd it.
:C

Thank you.♥
 
So,
I just found out that my beloved Nero might not be dead.
I am extremely happy, and I wish I had a car so I can go out searching for him.

You see, he used to be an inside cat. But my dad kicked him out because he peed on the furniture, so now he was an outside cat and frankly... he's rather stupid. Not street smart at all. And then, a while back, we heard wild dogs/coyotes in the woods behind our house. After that, we have never seen Nero again.
We all assumed he was dead.
Well, my dad was on his way home from work, driving through Old Town Spring, and he saw a black cat that looked exactly like him walking across the street.
Well... Nero is my baby. I freaking LOVE him. He used to love me too, he was very much an attention whore, never liking to be alone, but it was cute.
...

You bet your ass, I'm going to be on the look out for him.
 
Okay.
I'll admit it.
I'm scared of roleplaying on here.
Because all of you people are so cool.
I don't want to suck at a roleplay.
You see, I have this fear of disappointment,
but I'm very good at disappointing people.
I consider myself a Dog, because most dogs are eager to please.
Most dogs like to make their owners happy.
I do suck at that, my boyfriend and I got into a fight yesterday. A really stupid fight. But...
I love making people happy. Unless I hate them.
But I don't hate anybody here.
So...
I'm scared of roleplaying, because I don't want to mess up.
Yeah, that's the gist of it.
 
Sure, if you really want to.
Might you have anything involving fantasy in mind?
I've been craving it lately,
and trying to get the guts up to make a request thread. Dx
 
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