αqвмєℓє∂‚ \\.

. . . wot?

He came back. And he's an hour away. And I don't know how to approach this.
I talked to his Mother, who happens to be my God Mother, last night about a few things.
But as soon as she mentioned he was home, and wanted to talk to me, I lied and told her I had laundry to do.
Not that it was really a lie, I have a pile and a half to sort through and wash. But I didn't need to do it that very minute.

I'm so confused. My emotions are changing like crazy, mixing together. I don't know how I feel anymore.
I'm angry. And I'm disappointed. I feel hurt. And I feel a little bit of hope that I can work up enough to speak to him.
But what would I say? "Oh, well . . . I'm glad you came back after you walked out on me last year. Good to hear that you're still alive, even though when I really needed you, you weren't there. At all."
Yeah. That'd be real smooth, right? Of course it would be.

I'm just worried more about how I feel about him still.
When he left . . . it hurt. A lot. He just, walked out, and I never heard from him until now.
I don't know how to feel about him. Do I still care? Do I not care?

The more I think about it, the more my head hurts.
And I hate sounding like a stuck up, whiny bitch.
But I really wish I didn't have to go through this right now.
At this point in time, I have too much shit piling up inside my head to deal with a past lover.

Sometimes I wish I could fill up a backpack. Put on my shoes, grab a heavy sweater, and find one of my favorite beanie hats, and just leave.
Not like, forever. But for a little while. Just, run away for a year.
And then when I come back, I wanna see who noticed. How things have changed. If people are pissed at me.
I think it'd be exciting to be homeless, and backpacking around Canada.
Well, apart from the lack of money, hygiene, respect, and the risk of being assaulted.
Maybe I'll have someone come with me. Or a few people.
It'll be just like the Blar Witch Project.
Without the woods and crappy acting.

-sigh-​

How long has it been since we talked? How long, since I needed you. You've never needed me, not once in the same way. But you've always listened. No matter the subject, you've listened. Through my sadness, through my anger. Through my serenity, through my content. I don't know what it is about you that causes me to love you so, but you're always there. Beautiful, ever present, changing, but always the same. Your calm blue light eases my soul. Your comforting darkness has always soothed my mind. Quiet. I long to embrace you, like I had in my dreams. Falling. Sailing through your silent night. Nothing to distract, nothing to bother. Just the moon, the stars, and myself. I was always falling, but you were always there. Wind rushing past my face, but no sound to penetrate that blissful peace. There would be no screams from my voice. No fear in my mind. Just the peace of mind to know that even if I hit the ground, there would never be another moment such as this.

I'm always falling, in one way or another. Yet you always catch me. I think to myself, how would it be to finally join you one day? To be there with you in that soothing silence, where nothing will ever disturb. Would I miss this world? Would I stay with you forever? You always give the same answer. And for that, I thank you. Your answer is neither helpful nor hurtful. Neither insightful or vague. But it's always what I want to hear. While we talk, I feel a pressure lifted off of me. Will you call me, I ask. I hear you, but I cannot reply. Nothing can. It would be a crime to break our vow. Our vow of silence in the dark. You embrace me. You become me. And suddenly, we are one. We have always been this way. But I am yet but another star in your vast sky. Another star among millions. But you accept me all the same. Unconditionally, I surrender to your embrace. I feel myself, lifted with you. Will I shine, I ask. Will I be as beautiful as the other stars that have joined you? No sound is made, but that's okay. No sound needs to be.

Drifting. Ever drifting through the air, the ground becomes small beneath me. But there is no need to look back. The pale blue light of the moon illuminates my world, heals my soul. It is soft, it is cold, it is soothing. As if everything was washed from my being. I do not need to be myself any longer. Yet I am free to be who I am. I am one with the moon and the stars. I am one with the earth and the sky. Halfway between the heavens, I gaze back down upon the place from which I came. And only one word can pass throughout my mind. Beautiful. The illustrious mountains are seen before me, bathed in the light that I myself belong. Shadows are cast, but they hide nothing. They do not need to. The ocean sparkles, waves calmly sifting forever amongst themselves. I gaze upon the land, the sea, and the endless sky before me. But before my eyes turn back, I notice one last thing. The earth is dotted with stars of its own. It's truly beautiful. My mouth moves, but no words come out. Lights. Street lamps, houses, cars, flashlights, candles, torches, cell phones, buildings, trees, everything and everyone beneath me. I am them. They are me. It suddenly hits me, though my loneliness and pain subside, their residue is still upon me. My realization washes over me, as the vastness of the earth appears, the sky pulling me further up towards itself. I am them. They are me. We are people.

These people share my life. They share their lives with me. Their individuality is mine. My uniqueness is theirs. It is our lives that bring us together. The stars behind me shine brilliantly. The world before me sparkles beautifully. I think to myself, how could I ever be alone? The world in itself holds multitudes of people. Each with their own stories, each with their own lives. But I share that with all of them, underneath the light of their own creation. They are special. So am I. The sky pulls me in. I am no longer breathing. I no longer need to. I feel them. I see them. I hear them. I am them. My silence is not broken. My heart has just spoken.​