Your support makes Blue Moon possible (Patreon)
OP
OP
Hahvoc The Decepticon
Singularity
- Joined
- Mar 4, 2009
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.
From the Past to the Present
So after my break up with Blaine, I started getting closer to Chris. I was already close to him to begin with and we had been friends since childhood. But there was a shift in what was between us. I never knew when he was serious or joking when it came to some of the things he said and I was hurting still and wanted to believe that someone still thought of me as more than just a friend. Chris told me he wouldn't date me and that he didn't want a relationship with anyone in general because he didn't want to end up hurting anyone. I believed him but I still tried anyways to keep his attentions, to try to get him to break that little oath and be with me for as long as he had. He was going into the Navy and I wouldn't be able to see him basically at all, not that I did much anyways. But he didn't seem to see any of the hints I was sending his way and most of the time I was a mess after talking to him.
The wounds I had received from Blaine were still fresh, but school helped me focus on other things. I was in college now, and it was a different experience to behold. I thought that maybe here, I would find someone who would find me worth while and hold on to me. I felt like I was slipping away again and Chris's words weren't helping. During the middle of the semester I was hit with a low blow. Chris had a girlfriend. And she was better than me, which I discerned from the words he told me. And it hurt. It hurt a lot to know that I wasn't good enough for him to notice me like that. To want to be with me like that. But I wasn't a beautiful blond, which Chris seemed to prefer in girls. But she was "perfect," there was "just something about her." Nothing that I could attain. I was pushed aside again because someone better had come along who made the person I wanted happy. There was nothing I could do, so I told him I was happy for him over IMs even as I cried. One question dominated over me: Would anyone want to just be with me? I wasn't sure.
And then Chris and his girlfriend broke up. I wasn't as excited as you might believe because basically the day after, Chris was saying those words again that hurt and confused me all over again. I hated the emotions that he incited within me. I was glad for his attention, that he was noticing me, but it was awful at the same time. I ended up seeing him the day after Christmas and we slept together. It wasn't something that I had planned, but I knew it would happen either then or later. There was too much physical attraction between the two of us for me to fight, as much as I initially did. I couldn't keep up the guard around my emotions whenever he touched my hand or kissed me. And the night after we had our one night, I ended up crying. I felt slightly used, but it was my own fault, like most things. I felt like, "He should understand now. He should see how much he means to me now." But he didn't. He didn't understand at all. I didn't talk to him for a long time since he was in boot camp and all that stuff and I actually was relieved. I missed him, yes, but I didn't want his words that cut like knives even as he meant no harm. The reprieve helped with some of my healing since I had been dealt another blow: Blaine had a new girlfriend.
When I talked to Chris again, I became offended and hurt beyond all measure that he didn't grasp nor understand over the computer. We were talking about sex and how he had been without for a while. I laughed at him and asked how long. He said a little over two months, so I knew he had slept with another girl after he had had me, which I expected. And I told him it wasn't as bad as how long I had gone without. Guess what he said? "I bet you have sex all the time." And I told him I hadn't been with anyone since him. He seemed confused and I told him thank you for calling me a whore. I've been with two people: Blaine and Chris, and it hurt to have him believe that I was just simply sleeping around, as if that would alleviate the heartache I still suffered that he had helped increase.
So I didn't talk to him for awhile once again, and I felt relief from it. I didn't want to talk to him. Not after what he had said. It just made me feel awful, as if he thought of me as something lowly that he had taken pity on. But I wouldn't let it diminish the day we had spent together. I wasn't going to regret it. I wasn't going to regret anything. The new semester was going pretty well. My grades were up but precalculus was kicking my ass. I made a few new friends that I hung out with while at school, but that was all. I didn't really have friends anymore, as far as I felt. They were too busy for me because some of them were still in high school and most everyone had a job except me. But I wanted to be alone. I wanted nothing to do with people. School was all I needed.
I started talking with Chris again when he got to Maryland where he was stationed in the Navy. And it was a little different than before. He seemed more respectful, more in tune with how I was feeling. It was around this time that I confessed how I was so upset and aggravated with him most of the time because of how much I cared and liked him. And how when he had said all those compliments, I hadn't known if he was joking or serious. And then he told me he had been serious, and that if he could be with me, he could probably be happy, but he didn't want to do that to me when he was going to be traveling every couple of months. But he wouldn't even try. He wouldn't give it a chance. And it hurt but I accepted it, though it pained me to do so. And then I stumbled upon Dan, another old friend of mine who I actually figured I had a chance with and also liked for awhile. We hung out while he was home from college, and ended up kissing and some things and I asked him out. He said yes and then the next day proceeded to dump me and not talk to me for a month before I finally figured out that I wasn't worth a thing to him anymore. I wasn't his friend and he didn't want to be with me. He wanted to stay single and kiss whoever he wanted. And that his new college friends were more important than I would ever be to him now. And that hurt worst of all.
The school semester ended at the end of April and then I was off to Europe with my brother to see my father in Germany and stayed there for roughly a week or so. It would have been longer, but my brother needed to work. I was denied going to Ireland and England because of my brother, and so part of my trip was ruined, because those were the two countries I wanted to see most and had been promised to see. But as I mentioned in posts past, promises were made to be broken in my family. So I swallowed my hurt and enjoyed my time in Europe, making a friend out of my dad's neighbor's daughter who was my age. She was a cute girl and enjoyed hanging out with her and learning some German while I taught her English. Over all, I had a good time, and it was one of the few times I actually got along with my father.
The summer for me was slow, and laced with friendships and graduations. I saw Blaine again after over half a year of not seeing him and I still had the same reaction: Run and cry. I had to leave a friend's graduation because I still couldn't deal with him. But the next time I saw him, at my friend Jess's place, aka my daughter, I simply ignored him. I wasn't gonna ditch my daughter after all because I was uncomfortable. I made more friends during the summer, and hung out with them a lot, growing to like some other boy that I had no chance with whatsoever. Because I was nice. Because I wouldn't cross boundaries. And because he didn't like me as more than a friend and made that perfectly clear. And once more, I hated myself for liking people that simply hurt me with their inability to be with me. But I could endure.
No, this wasn't a summer of love. It was simply a summer of friends and fights, drama and tears. Other things I didn't want to deal with. But the summer went to slow for me and a lot of friends that I had been friends with for awhile were too busy to hang out with me. The old couples of our original group had broken up, so the group as a whole was no more. Nothing was the same anymore. We couldn't go back to the summer. We were in the hell that was our present. At least, for me it was that way some days. But I grew close to Jess and she was the person I needed most in my life, the best friend I had always wanted but could never keep when it came to other people with those labels. She didn't abandon me like they had. That's how she came to be my daughter and how she calls me "mom." Unfortunately, her mother passed on eight years ago, and it was hard to look at Jess when she was thinking about her mom and how she wasn't here for the most important things. But with a little of my help, she's healing too, and with a lot of her own willpower and time, she's healing and growing all on her own. And I'm so proud of her.
And that brings us up to the present date. Jess is a freshman at the same college as mine, and we are still friends, but we don't hang out every day anymore. I'm in the process of getting a job by next week, which hopefully will come to pass. A friend of mine that I have been considering asking out has a new girlfriend and has decided that while he's back home from college for the weekend, that I'm not worth seeing and won't bother answering my text messages about it. So basically, I've lost several friends in the span of a year, while keeping others close. I'm still not healed all the way and lonely as hell. But that's just how life goes.
And there is no end of the Chaos.
The wounds I had received from Blaine were still fresh, but school helped me focus on other things. I was in college now, and it was a different experience to behold. I thought that maybe here, I would find someone who would find me worth while and hold on to me. I felt like I was slipping away again and Chris's words weren't helping. During the middle of the semester I was hit with a low blow. Chris had a girlfriend. And she was better than me, which I discerned from the words he told me. And it hurt. It hurt a lot to know that I wasn't good enough for him to notice me like that. To want to be with me like that. But I wasn't a beautiful blond, which Chris seemed to prefer in girls. But she was "perfect," there was "just something about her." Nothing that I could attain. I was pushed aside again because someone better had come along who made the person I wanted happy. There was nothing I could do, so I told him I was happy for him over IMs even as I cried. One question dominated over me: Would anyone want to just be with me? I wasn't sure.
And then Chris and his girlfriend broke up. I wasn't as excited as you might believe because basically the day after, Chris was saying those words again that hurt and confused me all over again. I hated the emotions that he incited within me. I was glad for his attention, that he was noticing me, but it was awful at the same time. I ended up seeing him the day after Christmas and we slept together. It wasn't something that I had planned, but I knew it would happen either then or later. There was too much physical attraction between the two of us for me to fight, as much as I initially did. I couldn't keep up the guard around my emotions whenever he touched my hand or kissed me. And the night after we had our one night, I ended up crying. I felt slightly used, but it was my own fault, like most things. I felt like, "He should understand now. He should see how much he means to me now." But he didn't. He didn't understand at all. I didn't talk to him for a long time since he was in boot camp and all that stuff and I actually was relieved. I missed him, yes, but I didn't want his words that cut like knives even as he meant no harm. The reprieve helped with some of my healing since I had been dealt another blow: Blaine had a new girlfriend.
When I talked to Chris again, I became offended and hurt beyond all measure that he didn't grasp nor understand over the computer. We were talking about sex and how he had been without for a while. I laughed at him and asked how long. He said a little over two months, so I knew he had slept with another girl after he had had me, which I expected. And I told him it wasn't as bad as how long I had gone without. Guess what he said? "I bet you have sex all the time." And I told him I hadn't been with anyone since him. He seemed confused and I told him thank you for calling me a whore. I've been with two people: Blaine and Chris, and it hurt to have him believe that I was just simply sleeping around, as if that would alleviate the heartache I still suffered that he had helped increase.
So I didn't talk to him for awhile once again, and I felt relief from it. I didn't want to talk to him. Not after what he had said. It just made me feel awful, as if he thought of me as something lowly that he had taken pity on. But I wouldn't let it diminish the day we had spent together. I wasn't going to regret it. I wasn't going to regret anything. The new semester was going pretty well. My grades were up but precalculus was kicking my ass. I made a few new friends that I hung out with while at school, but that was all. I didn't really have friends anymore, as far as I felt. They were too busy for me because some of them were still in high school and most everyone had a job except me. But I wanted to be alone. I wanted nothing to do with people. School was all I needed.
I started talking with Chris again when he got to Maryland where he was stationed in the Navy. And it was a little different than before. He seemed more respectful, more in tune with how I was feeling. It was around this time that I confessed how I was so upset and aggravated with him most of the time because of how much I cared and liked him. And how when he had said all those compliments, I hadn't known if he was joking or serious. And then he told me he had been serious, and that if he could be with me, he could probably be happy, but he didn't want to do that to me when he was going to be traveling every couple of months. But he wouldn't even try. He wouldn't give it a chance. And it hurt but I accepted it, though it pained me to do so. And then I stumbled upon Dan, another old friend of mine who I actually figured I had a chance with and also liked for awhile. We hung out while he was home from college, and ended up kissing and some things and I asked him out. He said yes and then the next day proceeded to dump me and not talk to me for a month before I finally figured out that I wasn't worth a thing to him anymore. I wasn't his friend and he didn't want to be with me. He wanted to stay single and kiss whoever he wanted. And that his new college friends were more important than I would ever be to him now. And that hurt worst of all.
The school semester ended at the end of April and then I was off to Europe with my brother to see my father in Germany and stayed there for roughly a week or so. It would have been longer, but my brother needed to work. I was denied going to Ireland and England because of my brother, and so part of my trip was ruined, because those were the two countries I wanted to see most and had been promised to see. But as I mentioned in posts past, promises were made to be broken in my family. So I swallowed my hurt and enjoyed my time in Europe, making a friend out of my dad's neighbor's daughter who was my age. She was a cute girl and enjoyed hanging out with her and learning some German while I taught her English. Over all, I had a good time, and it was one of the few times I actually got along with my father.
The summer for me was slow, and laced with friendships and graduations. I saw Blaine again after over half a year of not seeing him and I still had the same reaction: Run and cry. I had to leave a friend's graduation because I still couldn't deal with him. But the next time I saw him, at my friend Jess's place, aka my daughter, I simply ignored him. I wasn't gonna ditch my daughter after all because I was uncomfortable. I made more friends during the summer, and hung out with them a lot, growing to like some other boy that I had no chance with whatsoever. Because I was nice. Because I wouldn't cross boundaries. And because he didn't like me as more than a friend and made that perfectly clear. And once more, I hated myself for liking people that simply hurt me with their inability to be with me. But I could endure.
No, this wasn't a summer of love. It was simply a summer of friends and fights, drama and tears. Other things I didn't want to deal with. But the summer went to slow for me and a lot of friends that I had been friends with for awhile were too busy to hang out with me. The old couples of our original group had broken up, so the group as a whole was no more. Nothing was the same anymore. We couldn't go back to the summer. We were in the hell that was our present. At least, for me it was that way some days. But I grew close to Jess and she was the person I needed most in my life, the best friend I had always wanted but could never keep when it came to other people with those labels. She didn't abandon me like they had. That's how she came to be my daughter and how she calls me "mom." Unfortunately, her mother passed on eight years ago, and it was hard to look at Jess when she was thinking about her mom and how she wasn't here for the most important things. But with a little of my help, she's healing too, and with a lot of her own willpower and time, she's healing and growing all on her own. And I'm so proud of her.
And that brings us up to the present date. Jess is a freshman at the same college as mine, and we are still friends, but we don't hang out every day anymore. I'm in the process of getting a job by next week, which hopefully will come to pass. A friend of mine that I have been considering asking out has a new girlfriend and has decided that while he's back home from college for the weekend, that I'm not worth seeing and won't bother answering my text messages about it. So basically, I've lost several friends in the span of a year, while keeping others close. I'm still not healed all the way and lonely as hell. But that's just how life goes.
And there is no end of the Chaos.
