Something of an odd request - Printable Version
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Something of an odd request - Mr Master - 04-26-2009 03:06 AM
Okay, this is going to be a little weird, but I'm at something of a loss as for particular advice to offer, and I'm looking for perspective, maybe a check on whether my thinking is accurate. I know I don't normally do this, but I'm second-guessing myself, and I feel it's something some of the people here can offer something.
So, I've got a friend who is very very spun and can't quite come to grips with it. She's all out of sorts over a guy.
My friend meets this guy at an event with other people; he's a new person she just met, and he has a compatibility that she's not experienced before. She spends some time with him over the next few days, and things kind of get... er, interesting pretty quickly. And she's doing things for him that she never does, never feels like doing for others. She wants to give without needing to receive; she's happy just making him happy. Which is apparently weird for her; not normal. I said it sounds like what love does to you, and she didn't really have much to say about that.
It was all very sudden and inexplicable, at any rate. And from her story, it's intense, like, the best experience he'd had, or so he said. Which, honestly, doesn't surprise me.
Anyway, so they talk, and he says he doesn't want things to be weird. But then people are still doing things, but he's avoiding her for several days, which given the context, makes it weird. And then when she finally had a chance to talk to him, to confront him about it, and he's, like, I just don't want to do this with you. And she asks if it's about the way she looks, which is the not-so-secret weakness of so many of the attractive self-doubting young women around here, and he doesn't say a thing. Which, besides being a class move in and of itself (please read in the extreme sarcasm on that last), is the cruelest thing you can say to someone who is already self-conscious and perhaps fragile about it.
Then there's a thing at a party, she makes out with him, her drunk, him sober, and he gives her the "just want to be friends" line, and then ignores her entirely the next day, and won't look at her when their paths cross later. OH, until apparently he comes over when my friend is on the telephone with a third party, and the first words he initiates to her in days are "Tell [third party] to bring her sister." Apparently with aplomb and utter calm, as if nothing was wrong.
So, my perspective, of course, is that the psychological connection unlocked things for her, which led to her own emotional upset. And he, the boy, as is typical of the age, wasn't up to the demands of behaving like a fucking adult or even offering the minimal basics of politeness. I'm thinking she just has to suffer through, and learn that, while it's not bad to feel strongly for someone, not everybody you'll feel strongly for is going to be worth it. Heartbeak is sometimes necessary, I'm afraid, and she'll be stronger for it if she can just carry on and get herself over him.
But as with all things, this kind of advice is easy to say, and harder to do. And I don't know what else to offer. So that's the thing about having the resources of the internet: multiple people to check against. Open source advice giving. Question is, does anyone have any contrasting perspective? Or did I essentially get it right (or close enough)?
Re: Something of an odd request - Trygon - 04-26-2009 03:23 AM
It's nigh impossible to judge what's going on in his head without talking to him, and I wouldn't make any sort of judgments otherwise.
Re: Something of an odd request - Mr Master - 04-26-2009 03:50 AM
From my perspective, empathizing with and making excuses for the stranger who caused my friend pain and heartbreak would rather diminish my ability to react as a friend to my friend. Plus, just the behaviors I specifically singled out for comment, those are on my "do not do" list.
Interesting that you hear about a guy's behavior fourth-hand and yet still specifically reserve your rights to take the guy's side, though.
Whether or not the guy's behaviors were justified in his own perspective is not my concern in this situation; it's about assessing my friend's reaction to the experience and judging whether my advice to her is fitting for HER perspective. It doesn't have to be about Truth, it really only has to be about what's right for her.
With that clarification under our belts, anything useful to contribute?
Re: Something of an odd request - Lieutenant Ducky - 04-26-2009 11:14 AM
From her perspective, pull it in, cope. Move on.
And next time, even if you feel strongly for someone, don't throw yourself at them unless you're willing to be used for what you give and dumped aside.
It has nothing to do with looks, personality, or much else.
Because, as we all know, I'm damn well amazing and hot on top of that.
And it still has happened to me from time to time.
You just, laugh it off, and keep on rolling.
If you sulk, they win, they've conquered you.
Re: Something of an odd request - DJBayview - 04-26-2009 02:58 PM
Lieutenant Ducky Wrote:From her perspective, pull it in, cope. Move on.
what she said.
Re: Something of an odd request - Notte - 04-26-2009 04:51 PM
Honestly, well reading this, it comes to my mind the saying that "ignorance is not always bliss."
Yes, she may be hurting over it, but she needs to look at it in a more objectified manner.
The barely new each other, were becoming friends, then jumped from that to strangers becoming lovers.
He could be more pulled back and more prudish then she is or even think that she is 'fast.'
So just a one night stand of momentary pleasure, because if she did that without very well knowing him, then it does seem a bit shady - even if she doesn't regret it, he could be confused by it all.
Or something like that.
However, kissing her after telling her this, that does confuse me.
Could he possibly be unsure himself? Or is he just a coward, I don't know.
I mean, honestly, if he won't even talk to her but he goes around kissing or doing whatever with her.
Then in a relative standpoint, she is more than likely just a "booty call" to him.
As one of my friends sayings go, he hit it and quit it.
I would suggest to your friend to cut all contact with him.
If he wakes up and grows some balls, then he will good after her.
Or at the very least realize what a great thing that he has lost.
Assuming that she is a good woman, that is.
Re: Something of an odd request - Mr Master - 04-26-2009 04:55 PM
I think she is.
Kind of messed up occasionally, perhaps, but who isn't?